posted March 19, 2011 11:17 AM            

I'm not really comfortable asking for advice from other people, especially on this forum as I'm an intermediate astrologer who's never really contributed to the forum significantly. I just desperately need some advice, personal anecdotes, clever limericks - ANYTHING that can help me get through this little crisis I'm going through

Anyway:

The past year has been really difficult to me. I graduated from high school a year ago and many of my closest friends have left me behind. I dropped out of community college because my heart wasn't in it. I can't draw anymore, I hardly ever write, and I haven't sewn in over a year. Some say that the teenage years represent the prime of Leonine energy. High school ended, the pageantry and drama were dead. The spark is gone.

All the same, coming to terms with this new stage of my life has been deeply spiritual. My mind has changed. I think differently. My body seems to know that I am growing up. In a way, I am enjoying this metamorphosis. I am learning who the adult me of me is.

I'm just a little bit scared. Over the summer I had a near death experience...that is, I was in a situation where I was critically injured but (reasonably) conscious. There were no angels playing trumpets or brilliant white lights shining down on me - just a series of profound personal revelations. I saw myself as a baby, as a child, as an adolescent. I saw myself as a healer, as a spirit, as an angel. I simply felt no anxiety, no shame, and no guilt for anything that I had ever done in my life. I forgave myself a thousand times over for a million different things. In that moment, it was as though I had stopped seeing myself in a negative light and had become inundated with convictions of self-worth, power, and prophecy.

Since then, I have been having visions - not anything too dramatic, just private moments of clarity about the ebb and flow, about karma and the future. In high school, I studied lexigrams, astrology, the i-ching, sacred geometry, the tarot, and spirituality. I was incredibly ambitious and passionate about showing other people the magic in the world.

After the accident, I perceived myself as a hierophant or a druid rather than a mere fortune teller. I hesitate to say that it gives me pride, but to know that I have devoted my time to the sacred mysteries of the world brings me a deep sense of achievement. Since my accident, I have been fully aware of my soul's potential. I have been empowered. My soul has been singing.

What is frightening me is that I still find myself running into walls. More and more I find myself at the feet of harrowingly massive mountains of karma. I don't identify with the mainstream notion of happiness. More and more, I am alienating myself from conventional society because I simply prefer the simpler things. What consequences will my present actions carry in the future?

What's more, my father, my grandfather, and my brother have all struggled with bi-polar disorder for a long, long time. I would be surprised if I wasn't bipolar, quite frankly. Feelings like mine, feelings of personal power, of pronounced uniqueness, of divine ambition, are typically associated with delusions of grandeur. I'm terrified that I am having a cyclic episode associated with a mental disorder, that my spiritual convictions have just been the byproduct of magical thinking and self-deception.

It's the melodramatic leo/aquarius love story:

I am struggling with these highly gratifying personal convictions and the rational urge to suppress them.

Deep down, I'm having an existentialist crisis. I have always had faith in the grand scheme, but how terrifying would it be to wake up one day and realize that your faith was a potent psychological crutch all along?

I know this probably doesn't make much sense.

I tried talking to my close friends about this, and they really haven't helped at all. I've been reading about mental illnesses, synchronicity, and NEDs.

If anyone has similar experiences of turbulence and confusion in this tangled akashic web, your advice would be extremely appreciated.

posted March 19, 2011 01:26 PM            

And if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't know what to say, either. I guess I'm not really seeking an answer or a solution with this thread. It's so much easier to get through these things with support.

Pride isn't something I struggle with... It's difficult to explain. On one hand, I am very independent and self-assured, and I certainly have a high opinion of myself.

I don't feel as though I'm better than anyone. I think that my personal destiny is something truly incredible and that my talents and abilities are truly beautiful and special, but I'm fully aware that other people have their own gifts, their own rainbows, and their own stories.

It's not so much that I am prideful... It's that when I think about my potential, I see myself as a large cog in an even larger machine. I've had visions of being connected to people and circumstances that I wasn't even aware of... Like I'm part of a network of souls that is working together.

What worries me is not my pride... It's that I truly do feel powerful, and it would be heartbreaking to realize that my inner power never really existed in the first place beyond my imagination.

But then again, maybe submitting power, focusing on my lack of power will be a more useful way to develop as a person.

I'm sorry, I'm going in circles here!

posted March 19, 2011 01:32 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Anti-Rufilla:
I deeply appreciate your support and kind words.

And if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't know what to say, either. I guess I'm not really seeking an answer or a solution with this thread. It's so much easier to get through these things with support.

Pride isn't something I struggle with... It's difficult to explain. On one hand, I am very independent and self-assured, and I certainly have a high opinion of myself.

I don't feel as though I'm better than anyone. I think that my personal destiny is something truly incredible and that my talents and abilities are truly beautiful and special, but I'm fully aware that other people have their own gifts, their own rainbows, and their own stories.

It's not so much that I am prideful... It's that when I think about my potential, I see myself as a large cog in an even larger machine. I've had visions of being connected to people and circumstances that I wasn't even aware of... Like I'm part of a network of souls that is working together.

What worries me is not my pride... It's that I truly do feel powerful, and it would be heartbreaking to realize that my inner power never really existed in the first place beyond my imagination.

But then again, maybe submitting power, focusing on my lack of power will be a more useful way to develop as a person.

I'm sorry, I'm going in circles here!

Thanks again for your message!

---

Oh girl you went on alot about pride, I know you aren't prideful! lol. You are powerful. We all can be if we find it. I don't think it is just your imagination- try not to put yourself down like that.
Though, I think many do that. Is it really me? Or is it just coincidence? What if I am not for real?

You just have to accept you and don't hold back, and don't question it. Reading what I wrote to you, I felt so stupid like why am I even saying this? But, at the time it was just gushing out I don't even use the word deemed! lol.

You aren't abnormal, you aren't crazy. You have great gifts and talents, and there is nothing wrong with realizing your power if you use it in a good way. And it is for sure nothing to be scared of.

Now if your power was perhaps something bad, or something that could hurt people and you used it in that way for the wrong reasons then I'd say we have a problem!

posted March 19, 2011 03:14 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Anti-Rufilla:
Knowflakes, I've been on and off of this forum for a few years now, and I've never really been a regular contributor. I've lost two accounts because I'm awful with passwords, so I promise I'm not just some stray cat sauntering around the internet and soliciting sob stories.

I'm not really comfortable asking for advice from other people, especially on this forum as I'm an intermediate astrologer who's never really contributed to the forum significantly. I just desperately need some advice, personal anecdotes, clever limericks - ANYTHING that can help me get through this little crisis I'm going through................

---

You are experiencing I highly suspect a normal "crisis" for persons your age or thereabouts.

I went through much the same type of thing some 40+ years ago.

Additionally,
Do you have a special reason for choosing the following names?

quote:

---

MICHAEL NEBUCHADNEZZAR GIDEON

---

And btw.....

PS.
Saw you have an interest in Lexigrams.
I have been Lexigramming for over half a century; some 11 years before Linda even heard of them.

posted March 19, 2011 03:55 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by EverEvolvingSpirit:
These are NOT delusions. All that you know and feel are very true and real. Like TxGirl I am also drawn to you, what an amazing story. You are WELL beyond your years and could teach us thirty-somethings a thing or two.

Keep writing here. I believe it will be very beneficial for you.

---

posted March 19, 2011 06:04 PM            

I'm male, and my name is Michael. Gideon is my surname. My middle name is Alexander, and from what I understand, "Michael Alexander Gideon" is a compound 33 entity, which is why I have been going by all three names for several years now.

Whenever I am signing a piece of art or blogging about astrology, I use the middle name Nebuchadnezzar... I can't remember why, but I think that it's because I once found out that Michael Nebuchadnezzar Gideon carried the 33 vibration as well, and I've always thought the name sounded both austere and alien, which basically describes me in a nutshell.

It's funny, I've never considered the impact that the name change would really have on my life. Feeling kind of silly right now, lol

I really like my chart. It speaks to me. Would you believe that I haven't even investigated my own chart about this? I've been losing touch with astrology, and I'm feeling so home sick

Oh, and I recall that one of my usernames was "simple" and there was another that I completely can not remember. I've never been a big contributor, but I've been here, in the cracks like a cockroach

And I couldn't ask you to do a reading for me in good consciousness, but whatever insight you have to share, I am completely open to anything.

@Spirit

Thank you! But my story isn't amazing, and it was kind of boring to live! I just feel like things have been happening, things have been pre-arranged... There are so many more tiny things, nuanced little coincidences that wouldn't fit into this story very well...and also some HUGE coincidences.

I hope that we can all teach each other. I posted on this forum on and off throughout high school because I was utterly entranced by Linda Goodman, but I never really felt comfortable coming out and showing myself.

I think I'm gonna dig up my old sun sign evaluations and share them with you guys

posted March 19, 2011 06:13 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Anti-Rufilla:
@LEXX I was born at 12:39 PM on July 31st, 1991 in Lewisville Texas.

I'm male, and my name is Michael. Gideon is my surname. My middle name is Alexander, and from what I understand, "Michael Alexander Gideon" is a compound 33 entity, which is why I have been going by all three names for several years now.

Whenever I am signing a piece of art or blogging about astrology, I use the middle name Nebuchadnezzar... I can't remember why, but I think that it's because I once found out that Michael Nebuchadnezzar Gideon carried the 33 vibration as well, and I've always thought the name sounded both austere and alien, which basically describes me in a nutshell.

It's funny, I've never considered the impact that the name change would really have on my life. Feeling kind of silly right now, lol

I really like my chart. It speaks to me. Would you believe that I haven't even investigated my own chart about this? I've been losing touch with astrology, and I'm feeling so home sick

Oh, and I recall that one of my usernames was "simple" and there was another that I completely can not remember. I've never been a big contributor, but I've been here, in the cracks like a cockroach

And I couldn't ask you to do a reading for me in good consciousness, but whatever insight you have to share, I am completely open to anything.

---

posted March 19, 2011 08:33 PM            

Very clever similes and choice words.

Welcome to Lindaland!

posted March 19, 2011 11:41 PM            

as I was reading your first post I kept thinking His Progressed Moon must be in aspect to Uranus because what you are experiencing are flashes of insight.
Yours is coming from T. Uranus moving into position to conjunct your Natal Moon.

Get used to it babe, it's going to be there for awhile.
If you understand Astrology then you will understand how important it is for you to go with this.

posted March 20, 2011 10:08 AM            

It's not so much that I am prideful... It's that when I think about my potential, I see myself as a large cog in an even larger machine. I've had visions of being connected to people and circumstances that I wasn't even aware of... Like I'm part of a network of souls that is working together.

Hello Michael,

posted March 20, 2011 02:50 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by PlutoSquared:
Thanks, Anti-Ruff. I also want compliment you on your advanced use of the English language. Your words exude intelligence, experience and control.

Very clever similes and choice words.

Welcome to Lindaland!

---

posted March 26, 2011 03:20 AM            

I'd be lying if I said things were better ... In fact, the real world problems that I face have only become more dire.

However, I am no longer afraid to rely on the findings of my personal soul searching. I'm not afraid to listen to the voice inside.

I have to advise you all to see the film Sucker Punch! I saw it tonight and it reminded me of this thread. In the film, a girl is framed for a murder and put into an insane asylum, and she learns to use her imagination as a means to push towards freedom.

It's about inner power, and seeing yourself as something greater.

Anyway, things are looking up all in all. Thanks guys, it's nice to know that out of all of the stars out there, a handful of them are twinkling at me

posted March 26, 2011 05:13 AM            

It's lovely you are so open, glad to read your story and you are definitely in the right place for loving support.

posted March 28, 2011 06:57 PM            

Hi A_R, actually you've got it x2
Progressed Moon conjunct N. Uranus
(watch for when it's exact)
and transiting Uranus conjunct N Moon.