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Author
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Topic: Letter from the Queen to USA
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iQ
Moderator Posts: 3054
From: Chennai, India
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 17, 2011 04:38 AM
  
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
IP: Logged |
balancingflames
Knowflake Posts: 159
From: My own world
Registered: Aug 2011
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posted September 17, 2011 05:29 AM
Lmao. Love points 1 and 2.IP: Logged |
lalalinda
Moderator Posts: 1680
From: nevada
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 17, 2011 06:06 AM
 IP: Logged |
Ceridwen
Knowflake Posts: 562
From:
Registered: Jul 2011
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posted September 17, 2011 08:39 AM
 IP: Logged |
Chahldean
Moderator Posts: 168
From: Everywhere I've Been
Registered: Jun 2009
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posted September 17, 2011 10:40 AM
That is sadly very funny! Now what?IP: Logged |
Randall
Webmaster Posts: 11717
From: The Goober Galaxy
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 17, 2011 11:55 AM
Haha! ------------------
I have CDO. It's like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order, as they should be. IP: Logged |
NickiG
Moderator Posts: 4263
From: Pluto, next to Ami Ann
Registered: Jul 2010
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posted September 17, 2011 06:22 PM
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I once saw a sign that said "sin is death" but if "all deaths are suicide (linda goodman)" and suicide is sin, then shouldnt "death is sin" be more appropriate? when organic is used to describe food then you know we have come to a dark age in history IP: Logged |
charmainec
Moderator Posts: 3087
From: Venus next to Randall
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 18, 2011 06:34 AM
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quote:
Remember, love can conquer the influences of the planets....It can even eliminate karma.
Linda GoodmanIP: Logged |
abcd efg
Knowflake Posts: 1041
From: India
Registered: Mar 2011
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posted September 18, 2011 09:38 AM
Thanks it brought a smile back on my face since yesterday. And thats a very long time for me to go without one.IP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Knowflake Posts: 447
From: ON Canada
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 18, 2011 12:33 PM
Funny!IP: Logged |
iQ
Moderator Posts: 3054
From: Chennai, India
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 19, 2011 07:19 AM
Americans will rock the cricket world if they take it up seriously.IP: Logged |
juniperb
Moderator Posts: 2600
From: Blue Star Kachina
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 19, 2011 03:40 PM
To juni, a now temporary citizen of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II: Let it be known that juni, along with the state of Kansaus, is an entity I do not fancy. She will be relocated to the Kansaus of history where she will be the subject of of Queen Dorthy, Prince Toto and Goodwitch Glinda with all having unlimited access to the Emerald City. God Save Us All!
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Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. ~Rumi~ IP: Logged |
Cancer/Scorpio729
Moderator Posts: 963
From: 6,000 feet above sea level
Registered: Feb 2010
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posted September 20, 2011 12:12 AM
quote:
Originally posted by iQ:
Americans will rock the cricket world if they take it up seriously.
THAT BELONGS TO INDIA!!!! IP: Logged |
charmainec
Moderator Posts: 3087
From: Venus next to Randall
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 20, 2011 07:16 AM
Ruby belongs to South Africa! They are still the reigning world champs.------------------
quote:
Remember, love can conquer the influences of the planets....It can even eliminate karma.
Linda GoodmanIP: Logged |
juniperb
Moderator Posts: 2600
From: Blue Star Kachina
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 20, 2011 09:15 AM
Charm, did you not read the decree to me?? The RUBY slippers are mine, mine, all mine... so says Queen Dorthy ------------------
Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. ~Rumi~ IP: Logged |
charmainec
Moderator Posts: 3087
From: Venus next to Randall
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 20, 2011 10:58 AM
Oh darn! I meant RUGBY. ------------------
quote:
Remember, love can conquer the influences of the planets....It can even eliminate karma.
Linda GoodmanIP: Logged |
Randall
Webmaster Posts: 11717
From: The Goober Galaxy
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 24, 2011 02:32 PM
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I have CDO. It's like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order, as they should be. IP: Logged |
Lindaland
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