posted July 04, 2012 03:09 AM            

My story on the surface is about a soul connection. But really it’s about my own self-respect, it’s about discovering my creativity, it’s about discovering my calling, it’s about becoming a better mother, it’s about relating with other people, it’s about finding a path, it’s about becoming. In trying to make sense of a love story, i’ve changed houses, jobs, beliefs, and uncovered my internal core.

Three years ago, almost to this date, I met a man on a business trip who my head, heart and body responded to immediately and as never before with anyone else. I had recently separated from my husband (he had recently separated from his wife) and we were truly drawn to each other like magic. We saw each other infrequently, but consistently, upon our return from the trip and in a very short while despite my best efforts I was consumed by him completely and totally. It made no sense but I was sure that I had finally found the love of my life. If I were to trust my head it sounded insane, if i were to trust my body, my feelings and my emotions (n.b. they are not the same!) it made perfect sense. Yet I was puzzled - how could it be possible to feel so much and be so consumed by someone that you had just met? More importantly I was desperate to understand if he felt the same. My feelings, and some of his slips of the tongue, told me he was there with me but he kept telling me that we were just friends. A painful truth I was willing to accept though didn’t believe. The question drove me to astrology, to linda-goodman.com, to IQ, to anne ortelee,..i was desperate for an answer that would make sense. (I cite all of these people because each in their own way has been a fundamental building block on my journey and I want to publicly say thank you). I began studying astrology obsessively day and night, astrology led to all things occult and suddenly my immediate universe was opened up to the universe itself. I was focussed on getting the answer of “does he or doesn’t he” but in the meantime I was learning things much greater and more important than that.

Then came the first blow in November 2009, (saturn entered libra...he’s a capricorn too) just as things seemed to be moving forward with my soul connection, he does an about face and says we can’t see each other anymore. It was here that I made the phone call to Steve Gunn and tried his technique. I was unsuccessful but because I didn’t try. I believed I knew better than the universe and that if I could just half ass myself through the technique then my friend would come back. My ego prevented me from being successful and Steve called me out on it. Once he understood that I wasn’t ready he wouldn’t read for me again. A decision I scorned at the time but I am thankful for now. In one of our sessions Steve asked me a question which has “haunted” me for the last 3 years “what are you doing with your creative energy?” More on this later.

So my friend comes back, disappears, comes back, disappears, comes back....each time I’m happier than ever that he returns never worrying myself about respect, boundaries, myself. Though I consciously knew that I had absent daddy issues, I never saw how they translated into my relationships where I did whatever I had to to keep the love, I would do all the work if they would just stay. And on the flip side I never realized that this was my control trip by choosing men that would allow me to do everything for them so I never had to challenge myself by being in a relationship of equals where my own happiness was a concern and where i respected the man enough to allow him to be himself. In any event in June 2010, after making significant steps towards a relationship with me, my friend delivers the final blow and tells me that he will never be in love with me and asks me a painful question that drove me into a self awakening depression for a while “how could you accept to be with me when i treat you this way?” In true Saturn teacher form he put the question right out there and what hurt the most was not that he didn’t love me, though that’s what i believed, but that he was right about the problem...what was i willing to put up and how low was i willing to go with just to be in a relationship. The question started a whole other process of soul searching at a different level.

After this tidal wave of emotion and dredging up of everything I had a period of “rest”. I officialized my divorce, bought a new home that I forced myself to decorate (in my disbelief of my own creative abilities I did try and pass this task off to others before realizing it was part of my journey), developed a very healthy day to day process with my ex-husband and daughter. I tied up the loose ends of chapter one knowing that we were still only partly done with the experience. I saw my friend once in December 2010 where there was a possibility to reopen and see what happened and this time I told him I didn’t want to be friends. We didn’t speak again though I continued to hold him inside, waiting, wishing and hoping for the day he would come to his senses. In the meantime I had immersed myself in esoteric studies, was having a hard time living my day to day life in the office as I found the other world so much more interesting, was having difficulty relating to anyone who wasn’t fluent in the mechanisms of the universe and was finding myself more and more alone in my life.

In August 2011 after another bout of “pain” over this situation and the desperation of saying “when will this go away?!?!” i search the internet for the 1000th time for soul connections and this time i find Rose Rosetree. (when the student is ready the master arrives). Rose works with energy and amongst her tools is the ability to cut energetic cords. He is my first proposal of a cord to cut but rose refuses as she notes that my energy is so directed towards the universe that i am energetically not present on this planet. As she lists the potential effects of this - including losing my job - my energy understands her perfectly and it is there that I realize that the gift of being awakened to the universe is to be conscious in your life but that your life is here on earth. Once you’ve understood the mechanics of the universe it is a magical thing, but my incarnation and my path is in the concrete world. This simple session changes my life. It re-engages me in my day to day, it allows me to see that while I was checking out into the universe I had allowed parasites into my office, was losing the respect of the people around me and despite being gifted with a powerhouse chart had become a weak and defeated being.

Rose and I began to go through many energetic sessions, one by one facing the people in my life, the various traumas and removing one by one each energetic cord that had added, over the years, conditioned responses causing me to repeat bad energetic patterns. As I removed each one of these cords I became freer and freer and began to feel a different me emerge, more authentic, more secure, less concerned about consequences (in a good way! not let me run out into the street and see what happens), less concerned about peoples reactions, more open to other people’s experiences and just generally more balanced and happy in who i am and where i am.

Steve’s phrase of “what are you doing with your creative energy” continued to replay in the back of my mind and historically i had been in a creative field but never believed myself to be creative and the fear of other people’s judgement of my work never allowed me to start anything. Well this has all changed. I started small forcing myself to take pictures, I wrote down any inspirations that came to me, I began to trust the things that came to me and began to take action on them. In less than a year’s time I have written a children’s book, produced a website, written a treatment for a film, won 2 awards for a project at work...my life has completely turned around. And I finally feel like I am now who I was supposed to be. I don’t worry about tomorrow because I believe in the process, I understand how the universe works and I know that the earth spins forward and even the bumps along the way are gifts.

posted July 04, 2012 07:20 AM            

Wonderful story ~ thank you for sharing.

posted July 05, 2012 01:30 AM            

------------------

quote:

---

Remember, love can conquer the influences of the planets....It can even eliminate karma.

---