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Author
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Topic: I dont know how to handle this
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Dee
Moderator Posts: 2326
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted March 05, 2013 08:59 AM
  
Here goesI have been friends with a women online for the past five years or so.She has been through a lot as have i. when i moved this past year she asked for my address because she wanted to send me a card. I gave it to her without thinking and she send gifts for me and my daughter plus a card..I didn't know what to do even though it made me uncomfortable..
I didn't want to send it back and be rude it was just t shirts and pajamas i felt strange about this..Anyway before i knew it she invited herself up her Just kind of saying when i come up there in the spring sort of think..i blew it off.. before i knew it she said she was coming up with a friend as she can't drive.. A male friend.. She hasn't mentioned anytrhing in months until today when she mentioned one of my dogs as she has seen pictures of them saying there will be plenty of room for her on my couch.. I feel hustled so to speak and dont know how to handle this.. i have a teen daughter and dont want strangers in my house PS It was after she said she wanted to send me the card when i gave her my address that she
told me she googled my address and then told me how long it would take her to get up here.. that's how it started. IP: Logged |
hannaramaa
Knowflake Posts: 4068
From:
Registered: Nov 2011
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posted March 05, 2013 09:53 AM
Whoa. She's clearly overestimating her boundaries with you! Tell her as soon as possible that you're not ready to cross that barrier in your friendship although you appreciate her kindness. If she fights you on it, it's probably best to remove yourself from the friendship.IP: Logged |
Dee
Moderator Posts: 2326
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted March 05, 2013 10:07 AM
hannaramaa
I'll have to.i just know how these things work out. somhow i'll look like the insensitive bad guy.I feel manipulated
because she send me something. something
i didn's see coming. It seems nice on the surface and feels like something she might have done before.
She never asked if she could come. she knows i have problems with me husband major ones he's bipolor and shs bring a man up with her. He's not even her boyfriend or anthing. I don't know this guy all i know is it won't turn out well. i just have a bad feeling about this. I have to get out of it..What makes someone push themselves on someone wiyhout an invation? I don't get this at all
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Yin
Moderator Posts: 3201
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted March 05, 2013 10:27 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Dee:
She never asked if she could come. she knows i have problems with me husband major ones he's bipolor and shs bring a man up with her. He's not even her boyfriend or anthing. I don't know this guy all i know is it won't turn out well. i just have a bad feeling about this. I have to get out of it..What makes someone push themselves on someone wiyhout an invation? I don't get this at all
RED FLAGS all over this. Do not let these people into your house!
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Dee
Moderator Posts: 2326
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted March 05, 2013 11:15 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Yin:
RED FLAGS all over this. Do not let these people into your house!
I'm not going to.. it bothers me she googled my address and said she knew how to get here and how long it would take her. I know she said she has been through a lot and i feel bad for her. until she tried to manipulate me..
Mabey its me, buy i would never invite myself somewhere and NEVER bring a strange man to someone's house IP: Logged |
katatonic
Knowflake Posts: 9568
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted March 05, 2013 01:18 PM
some people just don't have much in the way of boundaries, or have no paranoia when it comes to internet connections...either way you just have to TELL HER directly that you might be able to meet her somewhere, but you aren't able to have her visit...tell her your husband won't allow it or something if you have to!ps i know some very nice people who have done the same thing with me. i felt a little mean putting them off but the real friends get it! IP: Logged |
T
Knowflake Posts: 8504
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted March 05, 2013 01:40 PM
People like this make me nervous because you never know what they'd do. It might not be easy but you have to tell her you are not comfortable with meeting people from the internet. You have a daughter to look out for as well. So period, end of story. Yes, inviting yourself to someone's home and bringing a strange man along with you is really out of line. Maybe try to cut off all contact with her after telling her she is not invited over.Best of luck Dee & stay safe. IP: Logged |
charmainec
Moderator Posts: 6160
From: Venus next to Randall
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted March 05, 2013 01:57 PM
The best thing to do is be direct. This way she will kow that you have boundries and hopefully will NOT cross them again.------------------
quote:
Remember, love can conquer the influences of the planets....It can even eliminate karma.
Linda GoodmanIP: Logged |
Dee
Moderator Posts: 2326
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted March 05, 2013 02:26 PM
katatonic, I do feel a little mean doing this, but she's not a close friend just a casual internet one.T, it does feel out of line, she knows i have a daughter and live in the boonies. i dond know how she thinks its a good idea to bring a strange man here. charmainec, i'm going to have to be direct with her. it seems she can't take a hint like my avoidance of her IP: Logged |
libraschoice77
Knowflake Posts: 691
From: NYC
Registered: Aug 2010
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posted March 05, 2013 03:04 PM
I get the impression that this woman seems to think you two are closer than you actually are. And even if her intentions are not bad, you still feel very uncomfortable with her coming to see you. Which means you have to be firm and direct with her about how you feel, it may be the only way she gets it. Be careful  IP: Logged |
Dee
Moderator Posts: 2326
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted March 05, 2013 04:16 PM
libraschoice77Mabey she does think we are closer than i do.
I have always been this way about having just anyone over at my house. Even growing up in my parents home i just didn't have anyone over, i would rather
go out and meet someone. IP: Logged |
Lexxigramer
Moderator Posts: 1704
From: The Etheric Realms...Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat...& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Feb 2012
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posted March 05, 2013 04:27 PM
I have had this happen online;
including a few met here at LL.
I mean what are you supposed to do when people suddenly want to just pop over to your home?
Very scary. 
So I no longer let anyone new "in" so to speak for now.
I hope you will be OK.{{{ }}}
IP: Logged |
Dee
Moderator Posts: 2326
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted March 05, 2013 04:59 PM
Lexxigramer  Sorry to hear you experienced this also It is scary. Its weird that she googled my address and mapped out a way to get here.I hope she dosen't just show up before i can find a way tell her not to, IP: Logged |
katatonic
Knowflake Posts: 9568
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted March 05, 2013 05:07 PM
Do it now, then! If you don't use the perfect words, or unintentionally offend her, doesn't matter as much as putting your own parameters in place. If she really likes you it will work out if not i doubt it will cause any major life-wounds...and may spare you a lot of grief!IP: Logged |
ail221
Moderator Posts: 3224
From: Mary Margaret Blanchard's home
Registered: Feb 2012
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posted March 05, 2013 05:19 PM
Be open and clear with her that your not comfortable with her inviting herself into your home without your consent. Online relationships are weird in the sense that you can quickly become friends or be friends with some people for years but still not know or trust them. IP: Logged |
Lexxigramer
Moderator Posts: 1704
From: The Etheric Realms...Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat...& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Feb 2012
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posted March 05, 2013 05:25 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Dee:
Lexxigramer Sorry to hear you experienced this also It is scary. Its weird that she googled my address and mapped out a way to get here.I hope she dosen't just show up before i can find a way tell her not to,
Oh Dee{{{ }}}
You must think of your safety and you family's safety first.
Like katatonic said,
quote:
Originally posted by katatonic:
Do it now, then! If you don't use the perfect words, or unintentionally offend her, doesn't matter as much as putting your own parameters in place. If she really likes you it will work out if not i doubt it will cause any major life-wounds...and may spare you a lot of grief!
I had to come down hard on the few people who were trying to use strange aggressive shows of friendship to push uninvited into my real life and my place of residence.
Sadly it resulted in them hating me with a vengeance.
But their true colors came out.
Seems they were not true and understanding nor patient real friends.
If she is really your friend, she will understand.
If not, and she becomes angry or whatever;
then she is selfish or mentally unstable;
and you do not need that kind of "friend".
I hope things resolve soon.{{{hugs }}}IP: Logged |
Dee
Moderator Posts: 2326
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted March 05, 2013 05:45 PM
katatonic, about her being offended. she got offended a few months ago when i called her by a shortened version of her name, it wasn't intentional.ail221,online relationships can be weird, but most people know the difference between being online friends. I would think if one wanted more they would discuss it first
Lexxigramer,What you said about
"strange aggressive shows of friendship"
is what is happening with her.I know it won't end well no matter how nice i tell her
and i really believe she knows she's pushing because of the way she went about it.
IP: Logged |
teasel
Knowflake Posts: 5180
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted March 05, 2013 06:30 PM
That's weird. I like it when people use a shortened version of my name - unless I have a problem with that person (and they know it). Even my username: I like being called Teasie (a few people have called me that), and that's one thing I called my cat, from whom I got my username. IP: Logged |
Lexxigramer
Moderator Posts: 1704
From: The Etheric Realms...Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat...& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Feb 2012
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posted March 05, 2013 09:26 PM
Dee{{{{hugs }}}
Please do not let her come and if she does;
call the cops.
I am worried for your safety.IP: Logged |
Love&Light
Knowflake Posts: 540
From: India
Registered: Oct 2011
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posted March 05, 2013 09:28 PM
@ Dee If you find her behaviour aggressive then its better you keep her at a safe distance. So just draw the line with which YOU feel comfortable and then let the rest of the things fall in their place.IP: Logged |
Dee
Moderator Posts: 2326
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted March 05, 2013 11:00 PM
teasel, it was weird because she really was upset over it. i respected her wished and didn't do after thatLexxigramer Thank you for your concern
I have an email in to her so far she hasn't got back to me. I told her we need to talk.
we haven't even spoken on the phone yet. Love&Light I am going to draw the line with her. I have my hands full with my husband as it is being he's bipolor and i can't have strangers coming up here. we just got his meds stabilized after having him being back and forth so to speak for the last few months IP: Logged |
Lexxigramer
Moderator Posts: 1704
From: The Etheric Realms...Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat...& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Feb 2012
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posted March 05, 2013 11:43 PM
Dee{{{hugs }}}
So you have not talked on the phone with her at all?
If you have not;
my advice is do not start.
I made that mistake.
"shudder"IP: Logged |
SunChild
Moderator Posts: 3678
From: Australia
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted March 06, 2013 03:06 PM
This happened to me- purely because I 'blew it off' and ignored it when someone invited themselves over. If they said they were coming over tomorrow- you wouldn't blow it off, but by saying they are coming in the spring- it sounds far away and the passage of time is longer so therefor it doesn't matter, but it does! By ignoring it and not paying attention when people say they are coming over next week, next spring, or next year, it's almost agreeing to it! (In the mind of the other person.) This happened to me- you have to think about where the other person is coming from- some people do not know boundaries and it's up to us to present those boundaries. It's not really her fault. I hope it doesn't ruin the friendship, but it can ruin it once a person unknowingly over steps it. It's never too late to politely say it's not possible. I did that and it turned out fine- I'm still friends with this lady and she was about to turn up and stay at my house last october, I didn't even have a spare room, but she was more keen on hanging out with a friend (me) who she has known for several years online, it was exciting, and I understood that, however it was simply not possible due to my family lifestyle. Just tell her it's not possible because (fill in blanks).. she'll be alright. I just read she get's offended easily. You may have a slight hurdle then.  IP: Logged |
katatonic
Knowflake Posts: 9568
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted March 06, 2013 07:05 PM
Her boundaries are not your responsibility. Ypurs and your family's are. I recently had a childhood friend track me down and after a few emails realized that she expected me to respond as if we were still daily companions. I had an injury (hip) that laid me up and she was so mortally offended at the gap in my correspondence she basically cut me off before we had time to get to know each other again. I am so glad i did not let her pressure me into giving my street addy...she would have been on my doorstep withput a by your leave!Get on the airwaves and tell her under no circumstances to come to your house or your hubby will csll the cops IP: Logged |
katatonic
Knowflake Posts: 9568
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted March 06, 2013 07:08 PM
Or something as definite! Then maybe you can offer to meet her somewhere like restaurant or coffee shop, wherever?IP: Logged |
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