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Author Topic:   How do i stop being so naive?
m.blade
Knowflake

Posts: 715
From: idek
Registered: Mar 2013

posted February 24, 2014 01:01 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for m.blade     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
honestly, recently I think i've been struck by reality. I think I'm starting to get a little taster of what I might expect later on in life.

I recently found out that someone who I considered a friend really used me and when I thought about his actions generally, it added up.

i feel like an absolute fool. i feel naive, stupid and like i am weak to what life is really like. Now I am fearing all of my friendship. I fear that all of my friends really are deceiving me.

I am having trouble structuring this. how do I tell if a friend is real? of course to be secure with others you must be secure with yourself and know yourself but at the moment I don't and I am so confused as to how to deal with this?

If any of you can offer advice, i am forever grateful

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PixieJane
Moderator

Posts: 3833
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010

posted February 24, 2014 08:18 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Generally speaking, if they're there for you when you need them then they're true. Of course they can't be perfect but it should be a surprise if they don't and/or with an understandable reason given. But if they're constantly taking without giving back then that's a good sign you're being used. Also be aware of taking advantage of the sitch, for example having someone house sit for you while you're on a long road trip who uses it to hold a party at your expense. One of the most outrageous stories I heard of was someone who paid her "friends" in advance to help her move and they instantly took it to get drunk, thus failing to do the job...those aren't real friends.

However, this doesn't help with emotional vampires who will leech off you as much as you'll allow it, though such people will generally try to guilt you to an absurd level about how you're destroying them if you try to reclaim your space, or constantly claim disabilities that don't fit (for example one tried to get me to give up my computer time at a library to help her find images of popular actors--I showed her how to do it but she refused to learn and wanted me to keep doing it for her--and then claimed she was in a wheelchair despite that this did nothing to prevent her from using a computer). In addition they'll be all too happy to do things for you...and then use that as a key to make unreasonable demands on you all the time. Of course you should give as you take but these people will make you not want to ask in the first place (for reason other than pride). Another sign of this type is that they have almost no one besides family who will put up with them as they go through people draining them until their victims escape and they need to find someone else (like you) to latch onto next.

Also beware of frenemies, though outside the office I don't think people with self-respect will have too many of these...yet plenty of good people turn to crap when mixed with alcohol so it's best to not go to bars with them when they turn from friend into frenemy.

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Ellynlvx
Moderator

Posts: 5565
From: Mountain Gate
Registered: Aug 2013

posted February 24, 2014 08:25 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ellynlvx     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Time will tell.

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Ami Anne
Moderator

Posts: 52796
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010

posted February 24, 2014 08:28 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ami Anne     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
It is hard, Mblade dear

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Tulipe
Knowflake

Posts: 48
From: France
Registered: Feb 2014

posted February 25, 2014 10:42 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Tulipe     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by m.blade:
honestly, recently I think i've been struck by reality. I think I'm starting to get a little taster of what I might expect later on in life.

I recently found out that someone who I considered a friend really used me and when I thought about his actions generally, it added up.

i feel like an absolute fool. i feel naive, stupid and like i am weak to what life is really like. Now I am fearing all of my friendship. I fear that all of my friends really are deceiving me.

I am having trouble structuring this. how do I tell if a friend is real? of course to be secure with others you must be secure with yourself and know yourself but at the moment I don't and I am so confused as to how to deal with this?

If any of you can offer advice, i am forever grateful


Hi m.blade,
Being naive, to me, is not bad, it just means you're more willing to trust than most people, and that takes courage. You feel hurt now, and it's natural to curl up, to shut everyone else out and be suspicious. You need time to sort this out, go ahead and be angry, let all the emotions that this person made you feel out. But then find your willingness to trust again, don't go judging other friends on things that they haven't done.
As for a true friend, just like Ellyn said, only when time has passed that you'd know. Friendship starts with compatibility but it needs sharing, giving, compassion, honesty and responsibility to survive. I say this as a friend, don't be discouraged. The bad experiences will make you appreciate your true friends more.
It's just my 2 cents, hope you'll feel better.

------------------
what goes up must come
down, so when you're
feeling down, the only
way to be is up

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m.blade
Knowflake

Posts: 715
From: idek
Registered: Mar 2013

posted February 25, 2014 11:22 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for m.blade     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thank you everyone

I am taking this as an opportunity to mature and learn to handle such situations better.

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mirage29
Knowflake

Posts: 2437
From: us
Registered: May 2012

posted February 25, 2014 08:13 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for mirage29     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
m.blade...

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