Posts: 9399
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010

posted November 16, 2010 07:31 AM            

---

HOW far have you "let" yourself be abused.
You can talk about childhood abuse and it would help to understand adult abuse.
However,my question is really on adult abuse.
How far, specifically,have you "allowed " it to go.

------------------
Pluto conjunct Dejanira, Girlfriend.

IP: Logged

Posts: 9399
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010

posted November 16, 2010 07:33 AM            

---

I will start ,first,but just writing this is making me shaky so I will come back when I CAN write.

When I say"allowed",please understand what I mean.
We "repeated " our past.
We did not want it

------------------
Pluto conjunct Dejanira, Girlfriend.

IP: Logged

Posts: 9399
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010

posted November 16, 2010 07:39 AM            

---

I think about this topic cuz I DO have places I will NOT "go"
I am thinking this is cuz that type of abuse never happened to me.
My theory is that you "allow" the same type/kind of abuse you experienced.
Perhaps, you allow the same intensity and the same nature i.e. emotional, sexual, physical.

That is my working theory lol

Please, if you can be specific,if you can.
I will try to be but it is HARD.
Bear with me and I with you

------------------
Pluto conjunct Dejanira, Girlfriend.

IP: Logged

Posts: 9399
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010

posted November 16, 2010 07:50 AM            

---

Later, when I can deal with it, I will tell you about the sexual abuse from my mother.
The actual memory was repressed until a few years ago when it came out like a movie in my mind complete with all the feelings and thoughts I had at the time.
It was one of the strangest experiences I ever had.
I don't know if other things are repressed cuz you have NO recall of them.
If someone asked you if it happened and you would die if you "lied", you would "lie" cuz you do not know, at ALL.

Repression is total lack of recall.
Suppression is knowing it happened but pushing it down.

With suppresion, you can have the memory but not the "feelings" that went with the memory.
That is why yo can tell a horrible story and feel nothing.
The feelings are suppressed.

------------------
Pluto conjunct Dejanira, Girlfriend.

IP: Logged

Posts: 9399
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010

posted November 16, 2010 07:53 AM            

---

I am sitting in my chair, shaking, so if anyone else is, I think that is "normal"

------------------
Pluto conjunct Dejanira, Girlfriend.

IP: Logged

Posts: 360
From:
Registered: Nov 2009

posted November 16, 2010 08:48 AM            

---

Sending a hug to you, Ami Anne

IP: Logged

Posts: 4335
From: Mars
Registered: Aug 2010

posted November 16, 2010 10:11 AM            

---

Ami,

I have to run to get my hair done But, when I come back I will love to participate on this thread.

You are really bringing up very brave issues, which are potentially very healing to discuss with others

IP: Logged

Posts: 6110
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009

posted November 16, 2010 11:17 AM            

---

Mine would put chills down virtually any ones spine.
"BIG QUAKING SHUDDER"
Have never told in writing it all.
And only one person so far knows all the horrfying details.

IP: Logged

Posts: 3601
From: Pluto, next to Ami Ann
Registered: Jul 2010

posted November 16, 2010 12:42 PM            

---

i have told bits and pieces to this one childhood experience but i will tell the whole story here...

i was living in this one neighborhood and there was a man who lived across the dirt road from me who was known as the "Candy Man". it took me some time to warm up to the idea of an older man giving candy out to all the kids but some of the other kids coaxed me into it...so i went with the other kids to his house for a piece of candy...and thank god he didnt do anything to the candy like poison it or whatever...soon enough i was visiting him every day and then by myself...it got to the point to where i trusted him...he began to take me on short road trips and a boat ride on the river to an island (inhabited, of course) and took me out to eat and all other sorts of things...then one day he asked if i wanted to spend the night and naively i said sure...that night he coaxed me into doing things like kiss him and sit in his lap and stuff and soon enough i realized what was happening and ran over to my house throwing myself in my moms arms...i never saw him again...

looking at that one incident in my life i think i can easily recognize any kind of abuse happening to me and end it quickly

i'll also like to add that following that incident, my mom and her boyfriend at the time had a huge fight and my mom took me, my bro and sis down to the local womens shelter where we stayed for some time

------------------
the better the chase, the better the reward

IP: Logged

Posts: 6110
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009

posted November 16, 2010 01:41 PM            

---

How old were you NickiG?
I know you may not agree;
but you are lucky in that he did not rape or hurt you or kill you.
Progressive coercion is what he did.
A form, of entrapment with intent to seduce.
What many abuse victims can be left with after such an experience is;
mixed emotions, bewilderment, and guilt.
All because, not all the experience was horrible or traumatic.
Like in your case;
you trusted him and enjoyed being with him, until he became sexually interested.
That leaves one feeling very confused.
And he could have at any time when on that island or anywhere, raped and killed you if he were more than just a pedophile.
I hope that made sense.

PS.I had very bad experiences...many....
but some as you describe in a way.
Some of those I do not feel "icky" about.
Will explain later.

IP: Logged

Posts: 3601
From: Pluto, next to Ami Ann
Registered: Jul 2010

posted November 16, 2010 01:56 PM            

---

it made perfect sense Lexx, and thank you. i was around 7 years old when it happened...even at such a young age i knew what was happening

------------------
the better the chase, the better the reward

IP: Logged

Posts: 6110
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009

posted November 16, 2010 02:03 PM            

---

Thank you NickG {{{hugs}}}
As a child, age 4 to 8;
I too visited older fellows.
Some like 80s.
Like him.
Little "games" were played;
like "doll"
I would be undressed and dressed by one fellow,
like a doll, standing on a table.
He NEVER tried anything sexual.
He did caress me though but avoided my genitals.
The entire time he sang, played with my hair, spoke loving things, and well, seemed to find me very beautiful!
He moved away..."or died?"
I do not know.
In retrospect as an adult, I realized it was wrong law and moral wise by society's rules.
But I felt no danger, nor do I feel any shame
It was I must admit, a good memory.
Will tell more later of other ones and progress up to the nightmarish and agonizing ones.

IP: Logged

Posts: 3601
From: Pluto, next to Ami Ann
Registered: Jul 2010

posted November 16, 2010 02:05 PM            

---

aw, my dear lexx (((huggles)))

------------------
the better the chase, the better the reward

IP: Logged

Posts: 9399
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010

posted November 16, 2010 02:12 PM            

---

You know, this will sound "bad" to say ,maybe, but people who have been sexually abused have told me this.
I don't have direct experience of it cuz mine was with my mother
However, they say that it felt "good" cuz it was the only love/touch they got.

THEN, they had horrible guilt about the fact that they "enjoyed" it.

Anyway, that is an issue which must be hard,too.
I did not have that one,as I said.

------------------
Pluto conjunct Dejanira, Girlfriend.

IP: Logged

Posts: 3601
From: Pluto, next to Ami Ann
Registered: Jul 2010

posted November 16, 2010 02:14 PM            

---

i was feeling very uncomfortable since i knew what was happening and then i said "enough, i dont want this"

------------------
the better the chase, the better the reward

IP: Logged

Posts: 6110
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009

posted November 16, 2010 02:23 PM            

---

NickiG
I lay cuddling many old men whilst young.
Grandfatherly like,
but not completely.
I knew sometimes they got erections.
However it was always treated as a joke when with the "nice" ones.
Like this scenario;
Me:Mr.Robin,
Him: Yes Pumpkin?
Me: giggle...you're poking my back.
Him: giggle...well then I may need a slapping.
Me:Ok...
And then I'd turn and slap him in his face!
He'd give this whole omg you slapped me sqeek...and exaggerated mock surprise...
And we'd both giggle.
And hug.
Then he'd say such thing as...
with a big sigh...
"ahhh I wish I'd be here when you grow up!
What a red hot spit fire you will be someday!
For now my pet, you are this old man's little darling and that will just have to do!
And we'd cuddle more or go have crumpets and jam.
Yes, by society's laws and mores, it was wrong.
But again, another very good memory time for me personally.

IP: Logged

Posts: 9399
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010

posted November 16, 2010 02:25 PM            

---

Yes, Lexx, the human will take "love" where they can find it like a plant takes water even if the water is dirty

------------------
Pluto conjunct Dejanira, Girlfriend.

IP: Logged

Posts: 3601
From: Pluto, next to Ami Ann
Registered: Jul 2010

posted November 16, 2010 02:28 PM            

---

reading that, lexx, made me remember another time...i was staying at a friends house and her father was a creep, i never liked him, i had always felt that something was wrong with him. during the night, i have no idea what he may have done, but i remember early in the morning i felt my clothes move against my skin and realized a hand was pulling the front of my shirt down and you can guarantee that was the last time i spent the night there

------------------
the better the chase, the better the reward

IP: Logged

Posts: 6110
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009

posted November 16, 2010 02:48 PM            

---

Ami Anne True.
And with what my mother was doing and others...
All Christians btw..(which added to the creepiness because they preached about love).
well, what I had with the old men, was not terrible, even without that contrast.
Like the old guys would sometimes cry, head in hands.
I'd touch them softly and ask...
"why are you crying Mr.Robin?"
And hear such replies as,
because you make me so happy and I'm sorry it has to be a secret "
It made me sad.

IP: Logged

Posts: 6110
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009

posted November 16, 2010 02:53 PM            

---

NickiG
I understand.
Had too many of "those" kind too.

IP: Logged

Posts: 1549
From: here, there & everywhere
Registered: Apr 2009

posted November 16, 2010 06:06 PM            

---

Ami you know I've got issues there too so I truely empathize

I have one sibling, an older sister by 20 months. She had a friend the same age and every now and then when I was around 7 yrs old we would spend the night at her friend's house. Her friend's Dad was single.. as her mom died. Well one time we were having an overnight and the friend's Dad decided to have a "game". He had us prance around in our underwear like we were doing a modeling show in front of him.. in the dark. With my sister and her friend he would grab what there was of their friend's bee stings aka boobs. I don't remember him touching me. I think I was probably too young.

I have more, but there's my penny in the bucket for now.

IP: Logged

Posts: 9399
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010

posted November 16, 2010 06:13 PM            

---

I love you guys so much .Thank you for answering

------------------
Pluto conjunct Dejanira, Girlfriend.

IP: Logged

Posts: 4335
From: Mars
Registered: Aug 2010

posted November 16, 2010 09:18 PM            

---

EDIT

IP: Logged

Posts: 3601
From: Pluto, next to Ami Ann
Registered: Jul 2010

posted November 16, 2010 09:21 PM            

---

(((PlutoSquared)))

------------------
the better the chase, the better the reward

IP: Logged

Posts: 4335
From: Mars
Registered: Aug 2010

posted November 16, 2010 09:29 PM            

---

Thx NickiG

IP: Logged