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Author Topic:   Friends with benefits
ghanima81
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Posts: 703
From: Maine
Registered: Apr 2009

posted August 16, 2011 11:00 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for ghanima81     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Sorta for NikiG, but sorta for me too because it's my present situation and I have no qualms talking about it or answering any questions about it.

It is the healthiest thing I have done. I was dating a guy for about three months, the first since my split with my daughter's father last July. He was recently divorced with children of his own and although we felt things very quickly for each other, we were both very guarded emotionally, and the hot flash pan passion of the beginning became complicated and frustrated because we both hadn't really dealt with our losses, just buried them and tried to move on like "everyone told us to".

Needless to say, I was upset about the split, and still do love him, but the way we were going, it would have ended badly had we not parted when we did. He had a lot of anger, a lot of hurt that he was beginning to lash out at me over. I am a defensive mama lion, and wasn't vulnerable enough with him to let him see anything except the "healer" I was forcing myself into.

We talked. A lot. And it was decided that since we both have so much to work through emotionally, it's not a good idea for us to be a "couple", but still friends that can take our our carnal needs with each other, if it's feisable in our schedules.

Funny thing is, we still talk as much as we did. All day texting and fb chatting. We are being so hauntingly honest with each other about things, and are really helping each other dig into what is going on with us that we have hidden for years, if not our whole lives, but without the fear of saying the wrong thing because there is no "committment". There is plenty of emotion. We love each other, but are not ready to be "in love" with anybody right now.

And the sex part is phenomenal. Like, spiritual and mindblowing and caring and deep.

This probably sounds insane, but I say if you can honestly separate "in love" sexual encounters and still hang onto a great friendship, letting go of jealousy and regret, it's worth it.

Morally, I don't know. I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong. It is pretty Uranian I suppose, and being heavily afflicted there, makes sense for me. I've always been able to shift to the "friend zone" easily. Usually when things get too heavy and the "committment" vibe is asking too much of me, so this situation works very well for me.

Maybe it will turn into something more someday, maybe not. I think part of me hopes it will, but another part remembers the things about him that were red flags that I thought to myself "oh, that doesn't work for me for the long term". And I know that when the time comes for me to move on, to want more and be able to accept it, it will be okay because we have talked about everything so much and have a level of open communication I've only dreamed of.

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pixelpixie
Knowflake

Posts: 372
From: ON Canada
Registered: Apr 2009

posted August 16, 2011 11:25 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
That sounds fantastic! I'm really happy you have found such a fulfilling way to heal and express yourselves.

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Ami Anne
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Posts: 18213
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010

posted August 16, 2011 11:51 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ami Anne     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
This is my only concern for Nicki.She has a serious heart and soul connection with this guy .
If she "downgrades" herself to FWB I think the chance of a more serious relationship would be gone.

------------------
Want to see an awesome Psychic?


http://www.mychristianpsychic.com/

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Ami Anne
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Posts: 18213
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010

posted August 16, 2011 11:51 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ami Anne     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
This is my only concern for Nicki.She has a serious heart and soul connection with this guy .
If she "downgrades" herself to FWB I think the chance of a more serious relationship would be gone.

------------------
Want to see an awesome Psychic?


http://www.mychristianpsychic.com/

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ghanima81
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Posts: 703
From: Maine
Registered: Apr 2009

posted August 16, 2011 12:07 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for ghanima81     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
That is one way it can go wrong, IF she wants it to be more than just friends. And if the person she would have that arrangement with did put her in a different "category". It depends on the connection and the honesty they would achieve.

I think the only way it can work is to not have "in love" feelings for the other person. If one is, and the other isn't, the worry you have Ami would most likely be realized. It really depends on the people and level of feeling they share IMHO.

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emitres
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Posts: 341
From:
Registered: Aug 2010

posted August 16, 2011 01:11 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for emitres     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Ami Anne:
If she "downgrades" herself to FWB I think the chance of a more serious relationship would be gone.



just want to say... i married my FWB sometimes it's a necessary transition point... as long as honesty is the foundation...

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" Some define good as that which preserves, and evil as that which destroys; but destruction can be cleansing and purifying, for there is such a thing in both men and races as spiritual constipation, which comes from too much preservation of the status quo." ( Dion Fortune )

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Ami Anne
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Posts: 18213
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010

posted August 16, 2011 02:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ami Anne     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by emitres:
just want to say... i married my FWB sometimes it's a necessary transition point... as long as honesty is the foundation...


Really? Hmmm I never heard of it but that is GOOD lol

------------------
Want to see an awesome Psychic?


http://www.mychristianpsychic.com/

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Ami Anne
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Posts: 18213
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010

posted August 16, 2011 02:50 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ami Anne     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by ghanima81:
That is one way it can go wrong, IF she wants it to be more than just friends. And if the person she would have that arrangement with did put her in a different "category". It depends on the connection and the honesty they would achieve.

I think the only way it can work is to not have "in love" feelings for the other person. If one is, and the other isn't, the worry you have Ami would most likely be realized. It really depends on the people and level of feeling they share IMHO.


She HAS the in love feelings already.

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sand
Knowflake

Posts: 902
From:
Registered: May 2011

posted August 16, 2011 03:11 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sand     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
not my style at all but maybe it would be healthy for me. gemini 8th house with north node there.

i had a reading recently saying marriage might not be such a good thing for me. so if that's not part of the plan maybe i should be more detached. but then my mindset is now obviously of someone that plans never to commit.

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ghanima81
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Posts: 703
From: Maine
Registered: Apr 2009

posted August 16, 2011 03:31 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for ghanima81     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Does he?

That's my point.

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Ami Anne
Moderator

Posts: 18213
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010

posted August 16, 2011 04:36 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ami Anne     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by ghanima81:
Does he?

That's my point.


Well my feeling is that is at a pivotal place where she has to prove she is wife material cuz that is what she wants.
FWB proves otherwise to the natural order of things imo.
That is why I want her to be very careful in considering her next moves.

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Randall
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Posts: 10842
From: The Goober Galaxy
Registered: Apr 2009

posted August 16, 2011 04:47 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Being in love within a FWB dynamic is a catastrophe waiting to happen, because the very problems a FWB is supposed to prevent (I say problems, because for whatever the reason it is that one party suggests it--a relationship, time, commitment, or whatever--it must be a problem in some way for that party) are going to become magnified (not eliminated) for the other party.

------------------
"To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing." Aristotle

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ghanima81
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Posts: 703
From: Maine
Registered: Apr 2009

posted August 16, 2011 04:59 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for ghanima81     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I agree Randall.

And I'm not disagreeing with you Ami. Hence my saying what both of them feel about each other. It's obviously not the right situation for a FWB.

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NickiG
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Posts: 4061
From: Pluto, next to Ami Ann
Registered: Jul 2010

posted August 16, 2011 06:21 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for NickiG     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
should i ask him how i am classified in his book?

oh, and btw, thanks ghani and everyone else

------------------
I once saw a sign that said "sin is death" but if "all deaths are suicide (linda goodman)" and suicide is sin, then shouldnt "death is sin" be more appropriate?

when organic is used to describe food then you know we have come to a dark age in history

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Ami Anne
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Posts: 18213
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010

posted August 16, 2011 06:23 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ami Anne     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Randall:
Being in love within a FWB dynamic is a catastrophe waiting to happen, because the very problems a FWB is supposed to prevent (I say problems, because for whatever the reason it is that one party suggests it--a relationship, time, commitment, or whatever--it must be a problem in some way for that party) are going to become magnified (not eliminated) for the other party.


Brilliantly stated !

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Ami Anne
Moderator

Posts: 18213
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010

posted August 16, 2011 06:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ami Anne     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by NickiG:
should i ask him how i am classified in his book?

oh, and btw, thanks ghani and everyone else


Imo just tell him you are not that kind of girl.If he wants to date you and be with you that is one thing but the FWB is out.

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Randall
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Posts: 10842
From: The Goober Galaxy
Registered: Apr 2009

posted August 16, 2011 07:55 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Every guy (among those who engage in FWB) will say either you are number one or that there are no others in the book...only you, so asking generally will not garner a factual response. Guys lie. Sorry. It is what it is.

------------------
"To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing." Aristotle

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LEXX
Moderator

Posts: 6782
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009

posted August 16, 2011 08:22 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for LEXX     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Randall:
Every guy (among those who engage in FWB) will say either you are number one or that there are no others in the book...only you, so asking generally will not garner a factual response. Guys lie. Sorry. It is what it is.


Then I have been lucky to know some non lying men.

My code of ethics will no tolerate a liar.
If he lies to me he is out of my life.
I always right off tell a guy that so they are forewarned.


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Randall
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Posts: 10842
From: The Goober Galaxy
Registered: Apr 2009

posted August 16, 2011 09:35 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Yeah. there are a few good men scattered about. You should tell him you're not a back-up and it's all or nothing. Or that you can be friends only. But since you love him, that complicates things immensely.

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NickiG
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Posts: 4061
From: Pluto, next to Ami Ann
Registered: Jul 2010

posted August 16, 2011 09:41 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for NickiG     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Randall:
Yeah. there are a few good men scattered about. You should tell him you're not a back-up and it's all or nothing. Or that you can be friends only. But since you love him, that complicates things immensely.

i greatly appreciate your input...and i'm pretty sure this guy is one of the few good guys left to the world....but i suppose i'll just have to ask him so we are clear with everything

------------------
I once saw a sign that said "sin is death" but if "all deaths are suicide (linda goodman)" and suicide is sin, then shouldnt "death is sin" be more appropriate?

when organic is used to describe food then you know we have come to a dark age in history

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