Posts: 133
From: Jupiter
Registered: Aug 2011

posted December 05, 2011 04:41 AM            

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A friend of mine has a boyfriend who has another woman on the side line. The other woman knows he has a girlfriend but is convinced he will eventually leave his current girlfriend for her. His girlfriend knows the other woman but she thinks they are only friends

Do I tell my friend? Do I confront her boyfriend first?

I feel bad for my friend because she loves this man with all her heart and she has suffered countless numbers of heartache with the opposite sex. I’m afraid this will push her over the edge. She doesn’t deserve to be deceived by these 2 people I believe her boyfriend uses her to be his security blanket.

My friend is the type of person, who won’t believe a word anyone says unless it comes from the horse’s mouth.

Eventually the truth will surface, whether I tell her not but I can’t watch her adore him when he’s messing around with another woman.

What Do I do?

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Posts: 1049
From:
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posted December 05, 2011 04:52 AM            

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quote:

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My friend is the type of person, who won’t believe a word anyone says unless it comes from the horse’s mouth.

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You answered your own question, stay out of it would be my advice -nods-

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Posts: 8042
From: Blue Star Kachina
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 05, 2011 09:43 AM            

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You do nothing.

How do you know who`s test this is? Is it yours to be mindful of gossip or theirs to learn trust and faithfulness??

I say mind your own beezwax and let THEM work it out!

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Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. ~Rumi~

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Posts: 1753
From:
Registered: Mar 2011

posted December 05, 2011 09:56 AM            

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i'd say speak with him let him know that you are considering telling her the truth.

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posted December 05, 2011 09:56 AM            

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I would tell him that if he doesn't 'fess up to his girlfriend about the affair, you will out him to her.
If he doesn't have anything to hide, the fact that you know what is going on will (hopefully) stop him in his tracks.
What a jerk.

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Posts: 36962
From: Saturn next to Charmainec
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 05, 2011 10:12 AM            

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What Juni said. But the truth always comes out sooner or later. I was in a similar position before. I told my friend. But each case is different.

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Posts: 9743
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 05, 2011 10:22 AM            

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I'd say stay out of it.
On the other hand;
I was close, very close friends with the woman who my husband,
ex#1 now,
was having a many years long very sexual affair with, and
she knew of his other affairs he was having in addition to with her.
I did not know they were screwing each other.
Stupid me, naive, clueless.
I found out years later that several others knew.
So based on my nightmare experiences, personally, I'd want to know.
Especially in these days of deadly STDs.
As it was, I got Gonorrhea from the ******* .....
And other sexually transmitted gross things, even though
I was having sex only with him.
which stupid blindly trusting me,
like an idiot
(this was long before the internet, where you could just go look stuff up)
did not question,
because damn them,
even the fraking doctors did not tell me that the ONLY way to acquire those nasties was if I or he were screwing around on the side with others.
So I was betrayed by women and others,
I thought were friends,
and worse,
by doctors who KNEW about his fucqking around.
So, I do not know.
Minding your own business sounds logical,
until you throw the chance of Sexually transmitted diseases into the mix, especially the chance of A.I.D.S., or Herpes, or Hepatitis, or other incurable deadly ones.

PS.
I have been tested and re-tested for STDs.
I am clean.
No one is going to touch me unless they are tested and I know they are not doing others.
So, it seems perhaps I will have to continue being celibate barring some miracle.
And being highly allergic to Latex is a problem.
So nix the rubbers.
Celibacy is the pits.
But STDs are worse.

PPS.
I think at least in part,
my severe and even suicidal depression is cause by years of no sexual intimacy with another.
I am so fraking touch and love starved I feel I am going mad and not a damn thing I can do about it but self pleasure, and that p!sses me off often, and just makes me feel more unloved and lonely and fraking out of my mind aroused.
Grrrssssss.
Having a very high libido is no fun overall,
with no real outlet but me and the adult toys.
Yippie Skippy.

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I must perhaps resign myself to having only stolen and brief tastes of happiness,
for it appears that I may never be invited to the feasts.
~LEXX

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind.
~Henry David Thoreau

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Posts: 36962
From: Saturn next to Charmainec
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 05, 2011 11:23 AM            

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Sorry to hear about that, LEXX. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal. If a person doesn't want to be with someone, then they should break it off. That might hurt them, but it's better than cheating. Statistics show that 77 percent of men cheat. The polls are anonymous, so it is reasonable to assume that they are being truthful. Women cheat also...but for different reasons and at a lower percentage. I have never understood the concept. The myth that all men cheat is just that...a myth. Almost a quarter of men have never cheated (23 percent). I pride myself on being in that group.

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Posts: 9743
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 05, 2011 11:26 AM            

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Randall{{{hugs}}}
Thank you for understanding
And good for you!
Well what was strange was that I told all 3 husbands......
if you go for others,
just be honest with me and please do not bring home any diseases.
Except ex to be #3......
the others went and sneaked around......
and made me ill and made a stupid naive fool out of me.
How do you have intimacy with women?
I mean, you date right?
How can you know they are not doing things with others or have an STD.?
Sorry,
I am being so personal.
I just cannot trust anyone these days.
How does one date and have lover(s) these days?
Protection is not 100% fail safe.
Sigh.
I want intimacy so much,
but am uber uber paranoid now.
Even the idea of kissing terrifies me.
Geez....even touching hands for that matter scares me.
Where have their hands been?

I get so afraid of the possibilities of cooties and germs.
Even toilets in public and homes, and well,
everywhere......
germs germs and worse.
Cheaters have seriously damaged my trust,
and having been made ill by others.....
not just sexually, but germs in general, the non hand washers and gross long finger nails
on folks handling food without washing their hands.
(Like at a church dinner, women were making food, using the bathroom, inserting tampons on their periods, then not washing hands after...puke puke puke)
I feel so pitiful,
but cannot help it.

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Posts: 36962
From: Saturn next to Charmainec
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 05, 2011 11:47 AM            

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I say keep looking...just look in different places. The odds are in your favor, in that one out of four don't cheat, and you are due to find that one. I don't have sex when dating. ..only when in a relationship. I guess I'm atypical. I don't do FWB or ONS. Sex is important in a relationship, but it's not the most important thing by far, and although I'm good at it, I also can live without it. I guess it translates into the simple fact that I'm a giver. Most people in the world are takers. Two takers will never last. The most common dynamic is a giver and a taker. But two givers...well, that's magic.

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Posts: 9743
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 05, 2011 11:52 AM            

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Randall

quote:

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Originally posted by Randall:
I say keep looking...just look in different places. The odds are in your favor, in that one out of four don't cheat, and you are due to find that one. I don't have sex when dating. ..only when in a relationship. I guess I'm atypical. I don't do FWB or ONS. Sex is important in a relationship, but it's not the most important thing by far, and although I'm good at it, I also can live without it. I guess it translates into the simple fact that I'm a giver. Most people in the world are takers. Two takers will never last. The most common dynamic is a giver and a taker. But two givers...well, that's magic.

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>>>"But two givers...well, that's magic."<<<
Sigh sigh sigh.....
Yes.

I did rant on/added to my post.
Maybe I should start a thread on being afraid of catching things from people?
Or am I the only paranoid one?
Surveys say 90% of folks do not wash their hands after using the bathroom.
"shudder"
And near 100% of men after using only a urinal.
I wonder if those are for real statistics or not?

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Posts: 36962
From: Saturn next to Charmainec
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 05, 2011 12:52 PM            

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Microbes are everywhere--even on anti-bacterial soap. I wouldn't worry over that much.

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"Never mentally imagine for another that which you would not want to experience for yourself, since the mental image you send out inevitably comes back to you." Rebecca Clark

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Posts: 1980
From: in a giant room with 2 little furry friends
Registered: May 2009

posted December 05, 2011 01:22 PM            

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oh dear, i was in a similar situation myself.

i didn't tell the friend. she adored him and didn't doubt a thing. but it was not my place, and although it was more than obvious the husband was messing around with the other girl, what did i know? i saw the guy daily because i worked on projects with him, it was easy to see what was going on. but i had never seen them do anything in public, to keep up the innocent façade.

a few years later, they divorced and my friend asked me what i knew. i told her i knew everything, but lacked confirmation. she was not mad at me, and i could help her fill in the gaps to come in terms with it, and after that we have become even closer friends. it's too bad we don't live in the same city anymore, but we stay in touch. by the way she married again and had 2 babies!

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Posts: 36962
From: Saturn next to Charmainec
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 05, 2011 01:26 PM            

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With food handling, I think it's very crucial to keep hands washed. No one has caught an STD from eating a hamburger; however, there is an amoeba that the body reacts very violently to, and it is more commonly transferred via ingestion after someone doesn't wash their hands. Lots of food poisoning cases have nothing to do with food at all. The people not washing their hands may carry the amoeba, and then they scoop into the ice...so it infects everyone who gets a drink containing ice. It gets confused as food poisoning due to several people at the same location getting sick at the same time. Most ice bins are filled with microcospic fecal matter. If you have the amoeba, it usually causes rotten egg burps (among other unpleasantries).

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"Never mentally imagine for another that which you would not want to experience for yourself, since the mental image you send out inevitably comes back to you." Rebecca Clark

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Posts: 36962
From: Saturn next to Charmainec
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 05, 2011 01:30 PM            

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Wow, it's a good thing she got away from that chump. Awww, two babies!

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"Never mentally imagine for another that which you would not want to experience for yourself, since the mental image you send out inevitably comes back to you." Rebecca Clark

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Posts: 8042
From: Blue Star Kachina
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 05, 2011 02:24 PM            

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amoebas? now that`s what I call off track!

... and what is " I don't do FWB or ONS."?

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Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. ~Rumi~

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Posts: 5967
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 05, 2011 04:08 PM            

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quote:

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Originally posted by juniperb:
amoebas? now that`s what I call off track!

... and what is " I don't do FWB or ONS."?

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Friends With Benefits, and One Night Stand.

*edit. Oh, yikes, I just read the whole thread. I wash my hands at least twice, and hold something between my hand and public door handles, when I'm going to eat. I used to be more phobic about germs; I've loosened up a bit, but not that much.

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Posts: 5967
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 05, 2011 04:16 PM            

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childofzeus: sometimes they already suspect, or know, if there is something going on. A member of my family actually defended her boyfriend, over me, when I finally admitted that he'd made a pass at me. It turned out he'd told her the same night, but because I was so jumpy and was having none of it, he told her, only he made out that I was mistaken - that I'd got the wrong impression... until a few years later, when he wrote in an email, that he was in love with me. The following morning, realizing what he'd done, he blamed it on alcohol and food poisoning. She'd seen the email.

She said that she wouldn't blame me, but it was obvious that she was angry at me, when she should have had all of her anger directed at him. They're still together, but only recently did she admit that he was ever an a$$hole. She says that he no longer is, so I hope that's really the case.

I don't know why you suspect there's another woman, but the only way to really take care of her - if she won't listen - is to be there for her if there really is something going on, and the truth comes out. Her first inclination will be to defend him, if a) she doesn't believe he's capable of it, or b) she thinks he might be capable but has no proof, or c) she just isn't ready to really face the truth.

I have no idea if I'm making any sense. I've barely had any sleep, I'm pms'ing, and I'm pooped. Please don't quote this, okay? because it's personal, and I want to edit it out later.

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Posts: 36962
From: Saturn next to Charmainec
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 05, 2011 04:17 PM            

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Yeah, a bit off track, but it seemed a natural progression from LEXX's comments. That tiny immortal single-celled organism can cause quite some grief. Not to detract from what LEXX was saying, though.

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"Never mentally imagine for another that which you would not want to experience for yourself, since the mental image you send out inevitably comes back to you." Rebecca Clark

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Posts: 8042
From: Blue Star Kachina
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 05, 2011 04:21 PM            

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Thanks teasel!!

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Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. ~Rumi~

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Posts: 36962
From: Saturn next to Charmainec
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 05, 2011 04:37 PM            

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When I told my friend, I had no evidence, but I did have eyewitness accounts from a credible source (the sister of the one whom was he was cheating with), but the adage of "the bearer of bad news..." held very true. It ruined our friendship permanently. Looking back, I have no regrets, but I still could have handled it better. Gossip is one thing, but evidence is another. Make sure it's true first. Then you just have to do what you feel is right, as I did. That situation is where I learned pretty much what Juni said, and I have followed that line of reasoning since.

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"Never mentally imagine for another that which you would not want to experience for yourself, since the mental image you send out inevitably comes back to you." Rebecca Clark

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Posts: 7801
From: Venus next to Randall
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 06, 2011 05:58 AM            

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Child, you did not mention whether you know this as a fact or whether it is gossip.

It's a delicate matter and someone is going to get hurt so make sure it's not fabrications or suspicions of others should you decide to tell your friend.

If you have evidence/facts and adament to tell your friend, rather speak to the bf first.

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quote:

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Remember, love can conquer the influences of the planets....It can even eliminate karma.

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Linda Goodman

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Posts: 133
From: Jupiter
Registered: Aug 2011

posted December 07, 2011 08:39 AM            

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I'm gonna confront the boyfriend today. It's not gossip because I've seen it with my own eyes!!!!!

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Posts: 4557
From:
Registered: Sep 2011

posted December 07, 2011 01:30 PM            

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quote:

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Originally posted by childofzeus:
I'm gonna confront the boyfriend today. It's not gossip because I've seen it with my own eyes!!!!!

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