posted December 19, 2011 12:47 PM            

My whole life I have had some issues with depression (like most) I think. And I know what causes it. No shrink is going to help me. No shrink is going to try to blame it all on my upbringing etc..

Nope, that ain't it.

And what good does knowing what causes it do anyway. In the end it's all about just keep on keepin on. I guess.... Why? Cause the world is mostly just ****** ! People just bringing me down lately

Anyways, I been having not fights really, lets just say loud discussions with a guy I been seeing for the past 8 months. kinda a big deal for me right now cause it is usually around 8 months that I seem to always end relationships. Ok, maybe a shrink could help me with that lol...

So, he is a salesman - you know the type. He has sold everything from cars to drugs. A drug representative. I don't know a whole lot about it other than what he tells me and what I gather is- He sells drugs to doctors... All legal and all but I figure just as much bull-**** involved as is when selling cars.

Kinda funny really cause being a bartender I could always tell who was a salesman before they said much and when I would ask them what they sold for a living they would look all suprised. That how the hell did she know look.

Nothin against salesman... Than again, maybe I do. I mean I understand that bull-**** is your job and all. Do what ya got to do, its just not for me. And I wouldn't date one, or so I thought.

I stopped bartending last year. I felt I needed a change (still haven't found it yet) but anyways... I started cleaning houses for a company to get by until I figured out what I wanted to do. I like cleaning and liked the job until summer came.

Most of our clients went home for the summer and the boss started riding me all the time telling me to slow down on the jobs. Not because my work was fast and sloppy, (I am a very detailed cleaner) but because biz was slow and he wanted to make more money. Which is really saying - slow the **** down, we charge by the hour and I need you, to screw these people over and not be the kind of, efficent, hard working and honest house keeper that this company claim in its ads to employ... See that kinda **** just really ****** me off! So, I quit...

My boyfriend of course felt the need to explain to me that's business, they got to do what they got to do. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I know what they are doing and why! It doesn't mean it's right or that I should work for them!

That was in September and I guess the beginning of this battle to keep up beat and not let the world drag me down, again.

Since then I decided to clean houses on my own, just until I figure out what I really want to do to make a living. I am currently cleaning for two families and continue to look for more jobs daily. I have also started selling things on E-bay. LOL me a salesman? But I been doing all right I mean, I have sold stuff and made money on it.

I was raised in the pawn business. My parents owned one for years and my Dad during his retirement now, runs a swap meet. So, I like my Dad, love going to yard sales, thrift stores etc. and I like making money. Well, I don't really like it but like everyone - you just have to.

And so the "loud discussions" begin...

Every time I freakin list something - my boyfriend is telling me how to make my posting better. I know he is just trying to help but, it is annoying the hell out of me! And -

Every time I respond to an ad where someone needs a house keeper, again he is telling me what to say, how to handle a response, when to call them etc. etc... **** !

So, I let him know how I feel. And - yup, it ain't pretty. Maybe I do get emotional (loud) but that's because he just doesn't seem to understand me. I feel like he thinks I am stupid and have no clue how the world works. At least that's how I feel. And the things he is telling me to say just isn't me. I mean, I should just be able to be me, I should not have to flower it all up and **** . But what really sucks is that I said to him fine, you think you can do better, go ahead. You can respond to this ad where someone wants a house keeper for me. And of course, it worked! He got me the two jobs I now have. Ok, thats cool and all but now- he thinks he knows best about EVERYTHING! And again ******* me off.

I mean, I really do like him a lot. He is a good guy and we have a lot of fun most times. Just not when it comes to this.

Like today, I am all excited because I have found the best vacuum cleaner in the world on Craigslist! I really want it and it is a unbelievable deal but, I don't get paid til wed. So, I e-mailed the seller - just saying that I really wanted it I know I can't ask them to hold it but just wanted to say, don't sell it for less cause I will pay his asking on Wed. (I know how buyers on CL are - they always try to talk ya down.)

Anyways, I texted my bf at work telling him about the vacuum but, before I could finish he was texting me back and then called to tell me what I needed to do which was, to lie or as he would say seal the deal. And I call it BULL-****

He says to call them up with some big old story about wanting it and how I will pick it up wed cause I am out of town on biz etc. etc.... Yeah yeah yeah I know where your going with this I tell him.

But, I already e-mailed them. He didn't text back yet. It's just this kinda crap that I am tired of. I hear it from him every time I sell something. "You could have sold it for more", "You may as well given it away". I feel like hey, back off would ya.

This is me! It's how I want to sell things and, I did make money on it so wtf!

Ok, I used to own a tri-plex. I used to try to help people out by giving them a break. Doing things like not making them pay a deposit. I mean I know how hard it can be to come up with that kind of money to get a place and so I just thought Id help. You would think that if you treated people that way that they would return your kindness and like, pay the freakin rent! Not move out in the middle of the night owing you money! So, ok fine - I am not a good landlord. But I ain't stupid, I know how the world works and how people can be. I just choose to not follow the crowd.

It has been an issue in many of my relationships with men. They always end up acting like I am stupid or naive. For some reason I can't make them understand that I am not. But, if I were to be the kind of person who didn't try to help, wasn't totally honest and only worried about myself than I wouldn't like me. And if I give up on believing that there are more good people in the world than not, if I stopped believing in things like Karma well, than that's when I will get all depressed about life!

It isn't easy. I don't know... It's just all building up on me today. It's stupid **** I know. And maybe I am just to sensitive. Cause another thing that has got me down is that I have so much extra time on my hands that I put an ad on CL volunteering my time to clean the house of someone in need for free. Someone elderly, sick, disabled etc. I just felt like doing some good while I figure out what to do with the rest of my life. Anyways, my ad got flagged and removed. WTF??? So, I listed it in a different area and then I got a couple e-mails asking me pretty much - what kinda scam are you playin?

posted December 19, 2011 02:41 PM            

You would be much happier if you could find a way to live by your own rules, perhaps even on your own

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Proud Member of the Vatican Assassin Warlock Attack Squad!

posted December 22, 2011 09:57 PM            

As far as your ad being flagged on CL because people thought it was a scam- that actually happened by me as well. A lady was making jewelry and was offering it for free to families in need who wanted something nice for the Holidays and it got deleted. It's sad that people have such little faith now days.