posted December 29, 2011 07:44 AM            

my grandma died last night on the other side of the globe. my auntie was by her side. my mother wasn't.

my mother has BPD and it took me 15+ years to find out. until then, i thought something was deeply wrong with me. i talked with numerous therapists, counsellors and psychiatrists everywhere to find out what was wrong with me. i could not pinpoint what was wrong with me. something WAS wrong. i wasn't exactly depressed, but i was treated as depressed, but i refused to take any medications because my gut said no, anti-depressant wasn't what i needed.

even after one psychiatrist really dug into my history and finally told me that it's not ME, but my mother highly likely is a BPD patient, it took me a while to understand. i could not find much info about BPD beck then, and this psychiatrist in particular referred to it as one symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder "narcissist mother". for a few years, i didn't know what to do with the information.

anyway, i have problems from growing up in a turbulent environment with a BPD parent. i was especially susceptible because my "family" was non-existent, parents divorced long ago and step-father driven out, i have no siblings and cousins, no close relatives. i left as soon as i was able and lived away from my birth country for half of my life, and no one has ever visited me. no one except for my auntie makes any effort to stay in touch with me (bless auntie). Ami Anne led me to a big revelation, my problem has a name to it! it's called Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. it's caused by a prolonged psychological/physical abuse with no hope of escape. in short, it makes me not live up to my pure Sagittarius energy with AC, Sun, Neptune and Venus with strong 9th house and Jupiter. THIS is what made me appear "depressed", it was not a "depression" but "suppression". some people said "everyone WISHES to be someone who he isn't". NO, it wasn't my WISH, it WAS real me who i wanted to be. i have been "suppressed" all my life, like a wild bird in a tiny canary cage. i'm a SAGI all the way, this is death to me. i was dead all my life! EVERYTHING makes sense now. and my anger subsided because i then knew that the damnable was the disease, and not my mother.

almost 3 years ago, my mother contacted me that she is through with me because i have ruined her life and she wants me to send her a written statement that i am no longer her child. AND took my savings that i had to leave with her temporarily and get it transfer to the bank account in the country where i had just relocated to (because i gave up everything there and went back to be with her 4 years ago when she was diagnosed with cancer), leaving me with a few hundred euros in my pocket in a foreign country, where i had to restart from zero. but i was hugely relieved, that i finally got rid of her. sounds awful, but that was my honest feeling. when she was diagnosed with colon cancer, i was devastated because i was still her puppet and thought i could just die too if she died. but at the same time, i suffered from this monstrous desire that she WOULD die. words cannot describe the peril of having these complete opposite fears and desires.

in the last 1 1/2 years, i have been able to say i forgive my mother. it's my life, now i know, and i have the right to have the rein in my own hands. although i'm still struggling to control it, because i never learnt how to do so.

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that's the pre-story.

so my mother was absent when grandma went. she was able to, but used her cancer (which is cured now) as an excuse. she has unexplained hatred for her parents and i think she thinks of not being present at their deaths as some sort of a revenge. after grandma went, and auntie brought grandma home from the elderly home, mother joined up and when their relatives came she blabbered away all sorts of nonsense, being a wonderful actress and acting the good caring daughter. auntie was not surprised, it was exactly the same when grandpa passed 10 years ago.

mother does not know that i am in contact with auntie. they don't communicate at all either. my mother shut off everyone. she doesn't know that i know that grandma was dying. auntie didn't tell her that i know about grandma. but for the occasion, auntie mentioned to her that just a few days ago she got an email from me about my grandma's dream (i dreamt that she was going by train). my mother said to her, "oh it's probably easy for her to get in contact with you rather than contacting me or her father. she's afraid that we would say bad things about her".

i KNOW my biological father hates my mother and wants to do nothing with her. what a total rubbish to make up a story like that?

but i don't care, that's trivial.

i did many things. because my insurance doesn't cover psychiatric care, i have been trying anything i can find and do within my capacity to help myself overcome my traumas. and i have finally become able to say that i forgive her. I FORGIVE MY MOTHER.

but i'm angry. i cannot help it, i don't want to be angry. but i find myself being angry.

i blamed myself my entire life for my inadequacy to function in the society, despite being an extremely extroverted, friendly, likeable, outgoing and spontaneously adventurous person, i have a huge fear and mental block about having jobs. or, about going to the supermarket. or stepping out for a pleasure walk around the block. i believed i am a huge failure all my life, i've almost dropped out of university DESPITE being nominated as one of the most excellent students and receiving scholarship, i followed my path of descent, in the absurdly false belief that i just wasn't worth it. i sabotaged my life away at every single turn.

i live in fear now. i haven't checked my bank account for 2 months. i'm struggling to overcome my mental blocks and traumas so i can start LIVING. during this struggle, i lost most of my friends (meaning they were shallow, so i don't care). i have no family who care or i can lean on for emotional support. i do have a "comrade", my guy, who is just as troubled as i am so he understands but cannot help. but it's something, i consider myself lucky to have him.

but i'm not bickering, i don't care. it's just that i am ANGRY now.

i am angry at my mother. her life may not have turned out the way she wanted, but she blackmails her separated husband (my step-father, who i haven't seen for 20 years because my mother blocked me from him) and has never worked in her life. she does nothing, just lounges around and takes care of her dogs. she is a miserable heroine of her fantasy world, her delusions are really sad. she lives out the fantasy that she is a tragic victim of the society who is virtuously standing up and fighting for her rights and dignity despite everyone against her, when reality is nothing like that. i feel SO sorry for her and curse her psycho disease.

i don't want to be angry. anger and hate doesn't do me good and it's a waste of MY time. anger isn't healthy.

but seeing how hard and fearful it is for me to get by now, and knowing that my mother just doesn't concern a least bit what has become of me, by her, and by her taking my money, and by her putting all blames on me, AND she goes on living comfortably and playing the victim herself, IT MAKES ME ANGRY. she doesn't know how it is to live in fear of running out of money, and not being able to hold a job because of PTSD (and a linguistic barrier atm), and losing the country to live (visa), fear for the existence itself. she probably thinks that i'm getting by just fine because there's no news that i died yet. or, i don't know, maybe she doesn't think, period. i cannot know.

i don't think it was HER fault. it's my life after all. it's been made hard but it's no one's fault. i got over it long ago. but i cannot help feeling, in all this circumstances now, that she may be punished. it feels awful to feel like this. but just now, i cannot say i forgive her. it's her disease i know. she IS a victim of BPD. maybe she WAS punished already when she got the cancer.

i'm just indignant. i'm angry. and i want to stop.

posted December 29, 2011 08:15 AM            

I am so sorry to hear that.

But I think your feeling angry is quite normal in your situation, so don't be upset about it, do not supress it, feel it fully but when the time womes, let go and forgive.

You are very strong, very!
Hold on, times are rough but the sky will get clearer, soon happiness will find you, just keep hoping, never give up!

posted December 29, 2011 08:38 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Doux Rêve:
But I think your feeling angry is quite normal in your situation, so don't be upset about it, do not supress it, feel it fully but when the time womes, let go and forgive.

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oh yes, when the time WOMEs, it sure will be all fun! (sorry, it's a cute word i thought, "wome" lol)

on the serious, you just made me realise i'm doing this again. it's normal that i feel angry? that was a huge relief to hear that...

i don't know why i do this... well, i guess because i grew up being taught i'm wrong by default always. i'm constantly whipping myself "you have to get over this, you have to stop being lazy, you have to fix your mediocrity". it's like a little blind spot, i never see myself doing this until someone point it out to me. what's funny is that everyone around me sees me like a little electrifying energy of fascination packed with wonderful talents and fun personality. it's like there are 2 people in me whom i'm unfamiliar to.

posted December 29, 2011 09:16 AM            

Your anger is justified! Go find something to punch, anything to get it out of your system.

I hope -for the vindication of all of us in similar predicaments- that people like your mom pay their karma in ways we may never know of.

I can't tell you how much I feel for you!
You know what? It's NOT late to reclaim your power! Your anger is telling you that you can now SEE what went wrong when you were sabotaging yourself! It's the pain of the wasted years due to your mother's mental illness and your being a victim of her illness. I'm so happy that you are away from her -at ANY cost! I'm also happy because NOW you know that it's time to RECLAIM your power, girl. Time to be the brilliant Saggie that you are. Go forth and SHINE!

The best revenge is living well.

posted December 29, 2011 09:39 AM            

thank you anongrl! it means a lot to me that there are people like you who understand, and that i can understand them. really, it's not about having a pity party, you know what i mean. i think we both as Sagis, we are not ones who sink and not spring back up!

i used to have so much hate and anger and SICKENING love for my mother. i was her puppet and it was so painful. now i don't wish a revenge on her, i don't care, i hope for the best for her, BUT i want to live well. so without the revenge part, i want to live well for myself.

posted December 29, 2011 09:54 AM            

I'm amazed how similar life stories some of us have. Birds of a feather flock together, u know?

posted December 29, 2011 10:06 AM            

i find it contradictory that i want my mother punished in some way, but i don't necessarily want revenge. is that making sense? it's not really the unfairness in a relative sense. i feel like she deserves punishment in a more global sense, but not through pain but through revelations, which may as well be painful.

posted December 29, 2011 10:26 AM            

I know what you mean that you don't want revenge. You wish they could wake up and smell the coffee but these people will be forever lost souls. They are too sick to become self-aware. Most people are like that really. Oblivious of their harmful effects to those unfortunate to be around them.

posted December 29, 2011 02:32 PM            

I really hope that you will find hope, peace, and healing in your own life, and that you will be strengthened and empowered.

I'm sorry too for the loss of your grandmother, and I hope that you are feeling the love of other family members and friends who are being supportive.

And no need to feel bad about venting: sometimes, you just need to let it all out to people who can be supportive yet objective.

posted December 29, 2011 04:27 PM            

because of your support, i'm slowly setting aside the thought of my mother and letting my grandma's death sink in.

it was a strange admittance to write "i am angry" here actually. it was something i tried to ignore. but once faced, and shared, it's fading away.

i'll be ok. i don't know how, but without knowing the method, i know i'll be ok. i have always had this premonition about my futures to come. i trust in it.

thank you, and those of you in similar circumstances, i hope you will find your peace too.

posted December 30, 2011 04:08 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by lechien:
i'm slowly setting aside the thought of my mother and letting my grandma's death sink in. so proud of you !

jesstar, aren't we simply the best sign!? not to dismiss the others, but i know they love us too.

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well being a sag is like a blessing and a curse . reminding me of kermit the frog..."it's not easy being green" and to quote tupac from me to you "keep your head up " xoxox

posted December 31, 2011 07:36 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by ElizabethO:
I do had a mother that was difficult. There's not much I can say but that I know what it's like and you're not alone. I get very angry with my mother as well over things that she did to me... Also money related things... And I've learned to just be kind and not fuss over the matter anymore. Life is too short to be angry over things we can no longer change. I'll be thinking of you.

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i'm very moved to hear that you have arrived at your answer, Elizabeth. when i went back to be with her when she got the cancer, she was just the same abusive and i eventually had a breakdown. my mind went blank and i did not speak for some days. my auntie had to take me in for a while. then i started turning my pain into forgiveness. it's her mental illness. she is a victim herself. no one loves her because of her own anger and hatred. i was sad for her.

after i left, she disowned me, and it helped me let go further. in fact, i believe she disowned me because she could feel that i was letting go. she felt it wasn't the same any more. it was her own defence reaction to protect herself from abandonment.