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Author Topic:   Wife Not Having A Career Is Spousal Control and Abuse?
YoursTrulyAlways
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posted June 17, 2012 09:57 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for YoursTrulyAlways     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I am observing a point of view that I'm having a tough time understanding, and I see it widely expressed in here as well.

I make all the money in the family. I do my best to provide the very best I can afford. I don't even spend much on myself.

I hear some women complaining that I am abusing my wife for not letting her go to work and make her own money. That's so far from the truth it's hilarious. If you are so hell bent on waking up at 5 am every day and working 15 hours a day, be my guest. Honestly, I much rather stay home and take care of my kids and my home. If I didn't have kids, I much rather chill out in the beach while my spouse works.

All the money I earn is readily accessible to my wife, and she has a steady supply of materialism since she enjoy the finer things. Well, so do I.

Anyway, my wife plays the most important role in the family. Being a mother is the most important job in the world. I don't understand why some women get so uptight to be in some office job where they are used and abused in exchange for peanuts.

Just today, someone told my wife I'm abusive for keeping her home, noting her car, her shoes, her outfit and her bag, none of which can be bought on a minimum wage gig. This aggravates me and tickles my wife silly.

BTW, my wife has a Masters degree, so she's no dummy.

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juniperb
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posted June 17, 2012 10:12 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for juniperb     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
No worries YTA , it works for your wife, you and children.
That is all that is important here. People will never understand what works for some will not for another.

Married as long as you have, you`re doing something right!

Count your Blessings and move on leaving the naysayers in your dust.

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As Angels above guide Human beings, Human Beings have the opportunity to be Angels on Earth, who guide the Animal kingdom. - Da Vinci

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Ami Anne
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posted June 17, 2012 11:00 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ami Anne     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:
I am observing a point of view that I'm having a tough time understanding, and I see it widely expressed in here as well.

I make all the money in the family. I do my best to provide the very best I can afford. I don't even spend much on myself.

I hear some women complaining that I am abusing my wife for not letting her go to work and make her own money. That's so far from the truth it's hilarious. If you are so hell bent on waking up at 5 am every day and working 15 hours a day, be my guest. Honestly, I much rather stay home and take care of my kids and my home. If I didn't have kids, I much rather chill out in the beach while my spouse works.

All the money I earn is readily accessible to my wife, and she has a steady supply of materialism since she enjoy the finer things. Well, so do I.

Anyway, my wife plays the most important role in the family. Being a mother is the most important job in the world. I don't understand why some women get so uptight to be in some office job where they are used and abused in exchange for peanuts.

Just today, someone told my wife I'm abusive for keeping her home, noting her car, her shoes, her outfit and her bag, none of which can be bought on a minimum wage gig. This aggravates me and tickles my wife silly.

BTW, my wife has a Masters degree, so she's no dummy.


People are jealous of success. When you have good things, some people want to tear you down. You have a great marriage and family. Some PETTY poeple hate to see others achieve. It is the curse--urgggggg

I have to deal with this, too, as I get successful. IT SUCKS.

Don't listen.

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PixieJane
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posted June 18, 2012 12:12 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Your wife has a choice so the sentiment does not apply to you. It's when you prevent a spouse from being financially independent (and this can include getting her pregnant with the primary goal of keeping her from advancing in a career) that it becomes a form of abuse or control.

And the opposite also exist, that is women who are gold diggers (who's primary motivation is material wealth and may seek means to eliminate the husband by means legal and otherwise once she feels confident she can keep it for herself).

You both seem content and have for years so I figure neither one is the case here.

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Delilah
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posted June 18, 2012 12:35 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Delilah     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Maybe it's Pluto squaring my Sun that's hiding patience from me, but screw them. It's just badly hidden/disguised jealousy. These people obviously don't know you or your wife very well and are projecting their own disappointments in life onto your relationship.

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RegardesPlatero
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posted June 18, 2012 04:36 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for RegardesPlatero     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
It depends.

If it is honestly her choice, and you have the means, then you are not being controlling or abusing.

However, there are men out there who DO force their wives to stay "barefoot and pregnant". They do force their wives to have kids and stay home and they do control and limit them. Men like that do exist. Personally, given what you've written about you guys, I don't see you as being one of the controlling/abusive types. You pretty much adore your wife, at least from the way that you talk about her on here.

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FireMoon
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posted June 18, 2012 05:22 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for FireMoon     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
YTA, I think from reading your previous posts that you have a good heart and are genuinely a good person trying to provide for and protect your family… I have no questions that you do what you believe is right in every situation.

BUT there are also things that I feel like we would clash on to be completely honest…

I’ve heard you talk about the way that a lot of the women you dated in your younger years were interested in you for your money and the things you could provide for them. And that this is the “average shallow woman”. And that you expect more from men than women professionally, and expect them to deliver and provide for their families…

I completely understand that there are a lot of shallow women in the world who do expect the men they’re interested in to provide for them financially. And if this was the kind of women you repeatedly ran into when you were younger, I can completely understand why you would feel that this is normal in the dating world. Also, if you hold yourself to extremely high standards professionally, but have had experiences with women who haven’t had the same standards for themselves, I can understand how you would feel that men should do more to provide financially.

I, however, have had different experiences. I come from a family where both of my parents got their degrees in the same thing (they met in college), and my mom decided that what she really wanted was to be a mom and stay home to take care of the family. This didn’t work out for her, and she was left with nothing. After my parents divorce, my dad re-married my step mom who is a lawyer. She makes the money, not him.

I’m legally an adult now (21) and could start focusing my efforts on finding a financially stable man and trying to start a family. But that isn’t what I want for myself. I’m not just in school to bide my time and wait for someone who will provide for me. I’m in school because I want to pursue a career for myself, just as much as any of the guys in my same major/program. And in all honesty, having a family terrifies me. I want that some day, but not until I know I could survive on my own. In a relationship, I would honestly rather be the one wearing the suit and going out to face the insane, ridiculously stressful corporate world 5-9 than the one at home taking care of kids and cleaning the house and cooking meals. I know I wouldn’t be as respected in the corporate world, or have access to the same top teir positions, but I would still rather take my chances and be the one bringing home the money. I know you’re a Capricorn, and I’m a Capricorn as well and have the same ambition, but I’m also a female.

I don’t by any measures think that it’s abusive that you work while your wife stays home to take care of the family. If this is her decision as well there is absolutely nothing abusive about it. However, I do think it’s a little insulting to say that women’s work or job is the most important, but also the easiest. As if they would ever want to trade for a money providing job…

quote:
Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:
If you are so hell bent on waking up at 5 am every day and working 15 hours a day, be my guest. Honestly, I much rather stay home and take care of my kids and my home. If I didn't have kids, I much rather chill out in the beach while my spouse works.


This implies that women have it easy compared to what you do, but that there’s something completely natural about that. And yes, that’s sort of insulting.

But anyway, sorry for rambling, I see where you’re coming from, but I just hope you know there really are women out there who would trade shoes with you….

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Faith
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posted June 18, 2012 08:31 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Faith     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by PixieJane:
Your wife has a choice so the sentiment does not apply to you.


That's my understanding of it, too.

Also I think the word "abusive" is too harsh. If a couple has a problem where one person is to controlling, and the other is too submissive...that's not healthy.

But everything has to be negotiated in a marriage, and sometimes we have to be the ones making sacrifices for the other. So there's a fine line between happy compromise and sad compromise, and the "controlling" person can't always see when they are asking too much. They're just glad they "won" on one of the many, many issues married couples have to hash out.

So I would use the word "abusive" very carefully. For many people, marriage is just plain hard.

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Ami Anne
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posted June 18, 2012 09:50 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ami Anne     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Bottom line. You are a winner. Your wife is a winner. People who can't be and have what you do, want to tear you down. Find people who will be happy for what you have. They are out there, but you may have to trim your pool of friends. I think this is maturity, anyway. I am doing the same thing, so I understand but it needs to be done. No one is jealous of people who don't achieve anything or do anything. So, I guess it means, you are doing great

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Joy11
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posted June 18, 2012 10:50 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Joy11     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
My two cents-- taking care of kids is just as much a ball-and-chain as having a job. More so, actually, because it's all day and all night. You can't ever leave, resign, take a vacation, or call in sick. I'd love to have the freedom of making choices independent from "how it will affect the children," but I don't. It's hard. Kids are more "abusive" than employers... Who in their right mind would let their employer throw up on them, pull their hair, scream in their ear, wipe their dirty noses on their clothes, hit them while throwing a tantrum, and interrupt their sleep on a regular basis? I'd much rather put up with the "abuse" (as you call it!??) of being employed than that!

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YoursTrulyAlways
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posted June 18, 2012 12:26 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for YoursTrulyAlways     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:

If you are so hell bent on waking up at 5 am every day and working 15 hours a day, be my guest. Honestly, I much rather stay home and take care of my kids and my home. If I didn't have kids, I much rather chill out in the beach while my spouse works.

This implies that women have it easy compared to what you do, but that there’s something completely natural about that. And yes, that’s sort of insulting.


I apologize for putting it that way.

It is not what I meant.

Just to make it clear, I hate my career.

I hate having to wake up at 5 pm and going to bed at 12 midnight. I hate my boss, I hate my job, I hate my career and I hate having to work. I work only because I need to work. I much rather be home with my family. My wife knows that very well.

Hell, I hated school with a passion. yet, I went to college, and then got three graduate degrees even though I didn't believe a single word those academics said or preach. I forced myself to get straight As just because I had to get As to get the best possible jobs.

Any BTW, all my ex-girlfriends are super duper successful. Almost all were and still are richer than I am. One's a brain surgeon, one's a pediatrician, another's a judge, one's a CEO, one's a CFO and two are bankers. One was a Rhode's Scholar. Another was a Presidential White House Fellow. None of them were after my miserable resources. I dated only ultra achieving women with their heads on the right way.

No, it's not saying that I have a more important job than my wife. Quite to the contrary, I have the crap job. My wife has the most important job.

I do like my paycheck though because it feeds my family very well. It buys stuff and allows the family to take nice vacations.

Neither of us wants to deal with my crap boss and crappy job Wife's attitude is "better you than I"

So, what I meant is.. if that woman who brought that nonsense on me prefer to do my job, be my guest.. Wake up at 5 am. Sleep at midnight. Take crap all day long

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YoursTrulyAlways
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posted June 18, 2012 12:34 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for YoursTrulyAlways     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Joy11:
My two cents-- taking care of kids is just as much a ball-and-chain as having a job. More so, actually, because it's all day and all night. You can't ever leave, resign, take a vacation, or call in sick. I'd love to have the freedom of making choices independent from "how it will affect the children," but I don't. It's hard. Kids are more "abusive" than employers... Who in their right mind would let their employer throw up on them, pull their hair, scream in their ear, wipe their dirty noses on their clothes, hit them while throwing a tantrum, and interrupt their sleep on a regular basis? I'd much rather put up with the "abuse" (as you call it!??) of being employed than that!


Give me my two boys or however many children any day of the week.

I love my boys to death! Why would I ever want a vacation from them, much less resign?

My dream job in all the world is to be a full time father. Alas, my dream will not materialize until my boys are married and have children of their own.

I swear I should have been born a woman!!

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aquaguy91
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posted June 18, 2012 01:16 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for aquaguy91     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
i dont see it as a bad thing at all if the woman wants to be a stay at home mom, in fact i think some women want to do that but feel pressure from society to be a career woman, now before you ladies jump me for saying that just remember i said some not all. The reason i say this is because i was dating a girl and it was getting pretty serious , we were talking about kids,marriage etc.And at the time she was very ambitious and going to college, but once we started talking about kids she admitted to me that she would much rather be a stay at home wife, if it was possible.

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FireMoon
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posted June 18, 2012 01:53 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for FireMoon     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by aquaguy91:
i dont see it as a bad thing at all if the woman wants to be a stay at home mom, in fact i think some women want to do that but feel pressure from society to be a career woman, now before you ladies jump me for saying that just remember i said some not all. The reason i say this is because i was dating a girl and it was getting pretty serious , we were talking about kids,marriage etc.And at the time she was very ambitious and going to college, but once we started talking about kids she admitted to me that she would much rather be a stay at home wife, if it was possible.

Yeah I agree, sorry for going on a ridiculously long rant lol. Of course if that's what woman wants to do there's nothing wrong or bad about that. If that's what a man wants to do there's nothing wrong with that either. It's just that when there's a trend among wealthy families where the husband brings home the money and the wife doesn't work or pursue a career...If that's what she wants that's her decision completely. But if she went through school and has a degree and actually wants to work and her husband tells her she shouldn't worry about it because he'll take care of everything and she just needs to take care of the house, then yeah, I think that's controlling.

And it's frustrating as a girl that this does seem to be a well known trend, or at least is how a lot of people percieve it. Like if a guy wants to ask me out or pursue me, and thinks he needs to buy me things to make me interested... I don't like the assumptions or expectations that come with that, it makes me uncomfortable lol. Everyone's situation is different, but just as someone who isn't looking to start a family right away and who actually cares about having a good career, if I married someone who didn't want me to work, I would feel like it was controlling. And I think the fact that this happens so often (men working and women stopping after they have kids) makes it more difficult for women to be taken seriously professionally. But again, I don't think there's anything wrong or controlling about it if it's what the woman wants as well.

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YoursTrulyAlways
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posted June 18, 2012 02:01 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for YoursTrulyAlways     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by FireMoon:
It's just that when there's a trend among wealthy families where the husband brings home the money and the wife doesn't work or pursue a career...If that's what she wants that's her decision completely. But if she went through school and has a degree and actually wants to work and her husband tells her she shouldn't worry about it because he'll take care of everything and she just needs to take care of the house, then yeah, I think that's controlling.


And that is exactly what I told my wife 19 years ago and she agreed. And she happens to agree 100%. She has two degrees.

Let's put this into perspective. Yes, she has a Masters degree, and if she were to work, she'll pull high-five-figures, and my sons will be without a parent during the day. My elder son wouldn't play two instruments at a concert level and pull straight As.

I pull mid-six-figures, and high six-figures with investments. In your opinion, would it be a profitable choice for me to fork over my career?

Which would you think she rather have? For her to have her career, climb the corporate ladder and drive a used vehicle and shop at Target, or for her to stay at home and drive two new luxury cars (of her own) and shop at Saks Fifth Avenue? This is just illustrative, but life is cruel and money comes in handy.

Is a career really that important to anyone? Pay my bills and feed my family well, and I'll be happy to not work. Some people would work hard even if they are multimillionaires. I'll pack it in and retire.

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YoursTrulyAlways
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posted June 18, 2012 02:32 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for YoursTrulyAlways     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
This is exactly what I am talking about.

If this is controlling, then so be it. My wife loves the controlling me, as long as the nice stuff keeps flowing in

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mercuranian
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posted June 18, 2012 02:36 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for mercuranian     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
well.... if it works for you and you are happy, why even question it?

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YoursTrulyAlways
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posted June 18, 2012 02:40 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for YoursTrulyAlways     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Because I'm aggravated and I'm trying to understand the opposing viewpoint.

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FireMoon
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posted June 18, 2012 03:02 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for FireMoon     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
As I said, if this is what she wants as well and she agreed to it 100% then there is nothing controlling about it.
If driving a used car and shopping at Target (Omg the horror of it), compared to owning two luxury cars and shopping at Saks is more appealing than using your degree and going after your own professional goals, then this is a PERSONAL decision. I personally would take the sense of fulfillment of knowing I’ve earned what I own because of my own efforts, than driving around in luxury cars and designer labels because I married someone rich. But again, that’s up to you and her to decide, and I stated more than once that I don’t think there’s any way for it to be controlling if you haven’t forced her into it and that’s what she wants as well.

Also if you think for whatever reason that both of you couldn’t be working at the same time (which could be arranged for there to be someone home in the summers etc., by one of you at least working part time…) I think you would still be doing ok on a high-five-figure salary. Not to mention she could have also continued to climb the ladder into six figures if she had been the one who started out working and pursuing such things instead of you. Also, I’m pretty sure there are kids who don’t grow up in upper class who play instruments and pull straight As…

quote:
Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:

[b]
Is a career really that important to anyone? Pay my bills and feed my family well, and I'll be happy to not work. Some people would work hard even if they are multimillionaires. I'll pack it in and retire.

Everything else you’ve said contradicts that. Seems to me like you care about the money…

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Ami Anne
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posted June 18, 2012 03:08 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ami Anne     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:
Because I'm aggravated and I'm trying to understand the opposing viewpoint.

I have a Masters degree and wanted to stay home with kids. Screw someone who thinks it is abusive

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YoursTrulyAlways
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posted June 18, 2012 03:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for YoursTrulyAlways     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Everything else you’ve said contradicts that. Seems to me like you care about the money…

Of course I care about the money. I don't live on sunshine and fresh air.

I said that if I were to become a multimillionaire, as in having a net worth of more than $10-$20 million, I would pack it in and retire.

What's so convoluted about that?

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YoursTrulyAlways
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posted June 18, 2012 03:36 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for YoursTrulyAlways     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Ami Anne:
I have a Masters degree and wanted to stay home with kids. Screw someone who thinks it is abusive


You're absolutely right. Now I'm seeing for myself.

The hatred is astounding.

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FireMoon
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posted June 18, 2012 03:55 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for FireMoon     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:
Of course I care about the money. I don't live on sunshine and fresh air.

I said that if I were to become a multimillionaire, as in having a net worth of more than $10-$20 million, I would pack it in and retire.

What's so convoluted about that?


My apologies I should have said that it seems like you care more about the status of your career and possessions than having the amount of money you need to live comfortably.

You asked for a different perspective but weren't very willing to listen to it so I don't know what else to say. There's certainly no hatred on your end either so I apologize for trying to respond...

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YoursTrulyAlways
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posted June 18, 2012 04:00 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for YoursTrulyAlways     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
In the same thread where I said I hate my career? I don't care about my career.

Yes, I care about my possessions.

What constitutes living "comfortably" is open to interpretation, is it not?

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FireMoon
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posted June 18, 2012 04:06 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for FireMoon     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
You hate your career yet you continue to plug away at it so your wife can own luxury cars and wear designer labels.

If that’s what it takes to live comfortably then yes that’s open for interpretation…

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