posted June 23, 2012 09:34 AM            

How do you know when you should say something to someone who has been bothering you/doing something that really causes you a lot of aggravation, and when you should just keep your mouth shut and not make things worse?

I feel like I'm screwed either way. Say something, make it worse. Say nothing, and continue to feel what I feel: aggravation, anger, this sort of all-over screaming feeling, irritation.

posted June 23, 2012 09:51 AM            

I understand the dilemma. Have you talked to someone about it? It may be that they can help you find a polite way to say the things you need to say.

It's no good if you have to hold onto anger/irritation or whatever just so that someone doesn't get upset. But we all do it to some degree.

If you're being affected by someone's behaviour you have every right to say something. What you don't have ~ is the right to change them. Without knowing more details it's hard to say what I'd do in a similar situation. If it's a family member I always end up saying something and I hate having to deal with the aftermath but I won't keep my mouth shut.

Friends and co workers are different.

posted June 23, 2012 10:33 AM            

At this point, I feel so frustrated and hurt and angry. I feel this sort of "screamy" feeling. My aggravation just builds and builds and builds and builds and it's just too much sometimes.

posted June 23, 2012 11:00 AM            

I've seen enough of your posts to know that if you say something, it will be considerate, clear and articulate. I think chances are, it will help heal the problem.

But if you suspect the person will just react badly and not understand and say hurtful things to you...trust your instincts and spare yourself! Keep a wide berth!

Me, I just charge right in. I think it's my Saturn in Leo. I feel duty-bound to say something even at the expense of my reputation or...well, basically at any expense.

posted June 23, 2012 11:16 AM            

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted June 23, 2012 11:50 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by RegardesPlatero:
One of my life goals is to be more assertive. I don't want to go to the extreme of being passive or being aggressive. I'd like to end up in the middle: able to speak up when I need to in the right way, able to shut up when I need to, and able to know the best thing to do.

Thanks all and I'll keep 'listening' here for further input.

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That is wisdom. I think you learn by screwing up and having someone on your side when you do.

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted June 23, 2012 12:09 PM            

It's very annoying to see people not even saying "thank you" to you or, worse, repaying kindness with belligerence.

If it's any comfort, and by any chance your issue pertains to anything at this forum...at least know that some observers see things for what they are and are silently on your side.

posted June 23, 2012 01:48 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
And for what it's worth Platero, I've seen how you have made very thoughtful, considerate comments here many times and not gotten the reply you deserve.

It's very annoying to see people not even saying "thank you" to you or, worse, repaying kindness with belligerence.

If it's any comfort, and by any chance your issue pertains to anything at this forum...at least know that some observers see things for what they are and are silently on your side.

Out of respect for you and your way of peace and balance, I didn't say anything. It'd spoil the balance.

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thanks Faith; I appreciate it!

for what it's worth, my issue here is outside of Lindaland/doesn't involve anyone here--it's in 'real life'

posted June 23, 2012 02:48 PM            

Honestly, I do feel like sometimes I hold back a lot when I'm upset, and that just leads to me feeling more upset, which leads me to a lot of unpleasantness. It would actually probably be better if I expressed honest annoyance/owned up to not being happy about something because it wouldn't build like that. It's always risky to speak up about something, and I've had a few times when I've spoken up and it did not go well.

However, sometimes maybe that is a chance that you have to take for yourself.

I'll give myself plenty of time to think about it. I am going to hold off on saying anything until I really feel like I should, but I will be open to just being honest about it if/when it really feels right to me to do that. I'll leave it open for now and see what I feel I should do when I'm in my wisest, calmest state.

To be honest, I'm having this issue with more than one person in my life right now. In thinking about what others have said to me here, I think that learning how to speak up well and when to let things go (and really let them go, not just say that I do and then seethe inside) is the next step that I have to learn to take in my quest to be more assertive.

posted June 23, 2012 09:12 PM            

In some cases I've learned to lie when cutting contact. For example I used to wash clothes for extra money (until I found out the more I washed the more hot water I used and thus the less profit I made and it also cut into my other money making projects) and one woman gave me her (and children's) clothes to wash and I recall wondering why she didn't just throw a ripped shirt away or turn it into a rag before deciding it wasn't my biz and washed it with the rest. After she picked up her clothes she (for the first time) went through the clothes until she found the shirt and accused me of ripping it and refusing to pay. A couple of weeks later she decided to give me "another chance" and I told her I wasn't taking the job and when she asked why I told her bluntly she was a liar and a cheat and in Texas we had a saying: "First time shame on you, second time shame on me." She hit the roof but I told her to leave before I called the cops and her response was to spread all kind of lies about me. Luckily her lies were so extreme, she had a reputation for shady/dodgy actions like that, and others knew me better than that so it didn't stick. Nevertheless I decided I probably wouldn't handle it well if I got too many people starting rumors about me and in the future I'd always tell people like her that I was too busy (and if that didn't dissuade them give them a price that I knew they wouldn't pay, or if they did as happened a couple of times, enough to make their crap worth it as long as I was reasonably sure I wasn't going to be ripped off).

Sometimes it's important not to alienate people if doing so can harm you socially, financially, etc. I know it's not fair, and that rankles my Libra scales, but sometimes it's better to suffer a little unfairness and keep the things I enjoy.

Even so, there are always lines that can be crossed and there have been times I've chosen to take the consequences of speaking my mind (much easier as a kid when had less concern for consequences and had less to lose anyway). The examples that come quickly to mind aren't ones I care to share here.

Close friends and other loved ones are a different matter and I feel I can talk openly with them (just as they can with me) or I shouldn't be that close to them anyway. I have lost friends this way, too. But usually it's not a problem. Of course speaking up can still be diplomatic (at least at first), such as saying "people" instead of "you" (example: "I'm not sure why, but I don't like it when people do that" rather than "I don't like it when you do that"). Even better is to praise good behavior (without being condescending, of course) rather than criticize bad behavior in hopes of encouraging the good over the bad. It usually works for me.