posted March 07, 2013 11:50 AM            

I think that is some deep sadness to feel that way. Sigh.. People say it's never too late to change, to start again, to be found.. but it's not really true, some things are irreversible. There is only so much self-damage you can get away with..

Times like these I really hate my depression and the years it took from me, the opportunities I lost being paralyzed with fright and uncertainty.. the lovers I will never know, the books I could have read, the trips I could have taken.

And what kills me is to know that a part of me is still doing it. I am on the verge of a huge, tremendous change. To prepare for this change I had to rupture the world from all around me, literally strip everything away. But now time has come to leave my cocoon and step up into the world again, take the plunge. And. I. Just. Can't. Do. It.. Maybe it's inertia. Maybe I feel it's too late for me. Maybe I'm still stuck in the past. Maybe I am really THAT self-destructive.

I do wonder however how many souls out there share my story. How many brilliant writers we will never know of. Or actors. Or scientists. If only they would have not wasted their potential. How many people could have made a difference in the world, had they just stepped out of themselves..

I believe one needs to remain engaged with the world, with society, with life.. If you cut off you can remain cut off. It saddens me though. Very much.

posted March 07, 2013 11:55 AM            

------------------
Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted March 07, 2013 12:06 PM            

It's not just about profession here.. And even if it is, there is so much I could do/could have done in my career too. I missed a Teaching Assistant position because I was too depressed to enroll in a PhD program. At that time I could barely get out of bed to do the minimum work so I can get paid and support myself. Now that's all gone, job was meant for me but some lucky girl took it because I wasn't qualified.

And that.. is just an example. So many people, opportunities, chances passed me by.

Maybe it is not too late yet, but it will be, if I remain stuck like this, glued to the ground unable to ever fly again.

I have this coworker. She's 39. I don't think she's too old for marriage/babies/etc, but she does. She had countless opportunities and didn't take them. Now the man she counted on, whom she made plans with, didn't follow through and I can just see her down-spiral. And I think it's sad. Because while it's not too late yet it will be, if she shuts off. Unfortunately, sorrow and pain and loss.. leave terrible, irreversible scars. Not just in wrinkles or stretchmarks. But also on one's soul.

posted March 07, 2013 02:03 PM            

I wrote some poetry in my youth that garnered some national attention, won some awards. My dad wanted me to be a writer. I suppose I could have made a "mark" on this world. It just never occurred to me to really pursue anything creative as a profession. It seemed to be too impractical to me. And I don't like relying on my own creative faculties for my income.

posted March 07, 2013 02:29 PM            

Instead, I'm stuck following in my father's and grandfather's footsteps in banking. Went through more school than a human should be allowed to go through. Waking up at 5 am each day. Sleeping after midnight. And my working life sux. For crying out loud, I fall asleep while sitting on the toilet!

If I had listened to my parents, I would be a doctor, and I bet I would be even more miserable.

posted March 07, 2013 03:01 PM            

I know how you feel.

I am not sure about potential in my case, but I wasted a lot of chances in my life, namely for social, emotional or / and sexual interaction.

I think it was not so much that I made the wrong decisions. I just did not make a decision AT ALL.

And got stuck in emotional past for too long, using it as an excuse to not participate in my own life.

Is it too late?
Yes, for some things it is certainly too late.
To late to have children on my own for example (I am 38 years now).

Would I even have wanted children? To be honest I donīt know. Maybe I never even wanted to have them in the first place. But now we will never know, right?

However, it does not cease to amaze me that I find how many doors are still (or again) open; gates I never walked through, cause I never saw them or did not acknowledge them.

I see them now though, and I am very adamant about seizing my chance now. It might be the last one.

This "seizing chances" definitely expresses itself in losing weight, too.
It never worked for me before, but it works now, because there is just no turning back. It feels like I have passed a certain point, and the door in my back is simply shut.

Well in this case it is a good thing; after all I have lost almost 15 kilos since last december.

In a way this feels like digging my way out of a selfmade grave. (well it is a bit melodramatic, but I am the one who has the key to my ivory tower, so I am the one who can open the door as well.

I have wasted and lost a lot of time, which resulted in my intrapersonal development to be so vastly different from my interpersonal experience.
Damn it I have the interpersonal experience of a 14 year old! All because of the psychological cryogenic sleep I had put myself in!

I have learned a lot, gathered alot of knowledge, so the time was not really wasted.
However it was wasted in a certain sense, in regards to romantic relationships for example.

I am not sure though I would do it any differently if I could turn back the time.
It is probably just who I am.

posted March 07, 2013 03:29 PM            

My biggest goal is leading people to Jesus because I believe that is the biggest goal for anyone's life. In my current capacity with a "psychic" website, I get all sorts of people who would never go to a "Christian" website. I have 4 gay members, as well as many religions and nationalities. When people ask me about Jesus, I feel happy. I feel I am providing something of immense value to them.
So, I feel happy with my purpose now.

------------------
Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted March 07, 2013 03:30 PM            

------------------
Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted March 07, 2013 05:32 PM            

I know some of you understand very well.

posted March 07, 2013 07:00 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Hera:
This is not just about worldly ambitions. It's about the fact that time doesn't forgive. The world doesn't stop for you to catch your breath or to stabilize your mood or to be able to go outside in the sunshine after weeks or months or years of sheer darkness.. It is merciless. Employers do not care that you barely made it alive through the night. Friends do not wait for you to be comfortable hanging out again. The world moves on.. you are either in the moment or you lose it. You lose today and tomorrow doesn't wait. This is what I mean..

I know some of you understand very well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6t4Zs5Yq_k

---

carpe diem!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQtmGcdSDAI

i wake up to this every morning.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhjyuIXltsU

posted March 07, 2013 07:25 PM            

I always feel that way, luckily most barriers are going away. In some cases karma is actually going in my favor finally.

I think the problem is with us Capricorn risers we have a certain drive to accomplish things.

But we have to work harder to make it happen and get upset when no one else sees things the same way.

But, those who have something to prove tend to work harder.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Hera:
.... but it's not really true, some things are irreversible. There is only so much self-damage you can get away with..

---

There are always pros and cons to making decisions and sometimes your forced to make decisions on a situation you have no control over.

I'm sure some of your decisions minimized the amount of self damage and you had little or no control on the situation.

posted March 07, 2013 09:16 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
It`s been a VERY long way

---

I used to have that type of attitude, though. Whenever I start to feel that way now, it's crushed. It's instantly smushed.

posted March 07, 2013 09:20 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Aquacheeka:
Hera, try listening to this every morning when you wake up, it's like audio cocaine: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cSp17MoMeOI

I like to think of it as the anti-"first world problems" song.

---

This is one of mine: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-BRlrVJCKc

posted March 07, 2013 09:25 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Hera:
This is not just about worldly ambitions. It's about the fact that time doesn't forgive. The world doesn't stop for you to catch your breath or to stabilize your mood or to be able to go outside in the sunshine after weeks or months or years of sheer darkness.. It is merciless. Employers do not care that you barely made it alive through the night. Friends do not wait for you to be comfortable hanging out again. The world moves on.. you are either in the moment or you lose it. You lose today and tomorrow doesn't wait. This is what I mean..

I know some of you understand very well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6t4Zs5Yq_k

---

I know.

posted March 07, 2013 10:40 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Hera:
This is not just about worldly ambitions. It's about the fact that time doesn't forgive. The world doesn't stop for you to catch your breath or to stabilize your mood or to be able to go outside in the sunshine after weeks or months or years of sheer darkness.. It is merciless. Employers do not care that you barely made it alive through the night. Friends do not wait for you to be comfortable hanging out again. The world moves on.. you are either in the moment or you lose it. You lose today and tomorrow doesn't wait. This is what I mean..

I know some of you understand very well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6t4Zs5Yq_k

---

I completely understand what you're saying Hera and can definitely relate. It's a very difficult spiral to climb out of because once you feel like it's your fault for missing out on opportunities it's hard to believe you deserve anything better in the future. Like looking back I've met a lot of great people who wanted to see the best in me and believed in my potential, but it's sooo much easier to remember the negative people and experiences when it re-enforces how you already feel..

Anyway just to add to the inspirational links lol I know this one is kind of weird and he gets on some random tangents but I think it has a good message about letting go and acceptance
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1zKw3D/:1ubz5YI2j:PZhYSq$L/www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJOJajEkNts/

Ironically enough this along with a bunch of other links was sent to me by the Cancer guy I always talk about after I basically told him I've been struggling lately.. And despite what anyone says to comfort me I'm 100% convinced if there is such a thing as soulmates or twin flames or whatever, he is that person that I am supposed to be with, who I would be with if I had my s*** more together right now. Now he's over it and how do I move on from that knowing or thinking it is more than partially my fault? And that's just one example there have been plenty of others lol. I really have no idea but I'm just starting to think for myself at least a huge part of moving on is letting go of the guilt and anger, and realizing I'm probably the person I have to forgive the most if I really want to start healing..

And some mistakes are permanent but I do believe there is always hope for better things, even if it means veering completely off course from the way we imagined things or the person we feel like we "should" have become.. So idk sorry for rambling just wanted to say I totally get where you're coming from but you're a great person don't be so hard on yourself

posted March 08, 2013 01:30 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by teasel:
I used to have that type of attitude, though. Whenever I start to feel that way now, it's crushed. It's instantly smushed.

I remember you saying that it took a long time. I admire you - I don't know if I have it in me anymore.

---

I am sure you have it still in you. You are not able to see it right now.

To be honest some years ago I had completely given up. not just saying it, I did. Mentally had signed my resignation as an active member of the female gender. And then it changed. Overnight. Out of the blue.

though it`s still been a hard way to struggle out of my cocoon. 2 steps forwards, 20 back again.
I mean that moment of catharsis had been 5 years ago, and only now I am at a point where I am manifesting the change.
and it is still such a long way ahead of me.
but honestly, if I donīt live my life, who will?

I am trying to not dissect this too much though (cause if I do I might retreat again), just trying to be in the present, live from moment to moment.

posted March 08, 2013 03:04 AM            

Recently i realized that i dont really trust in my decisions any more, because i feel i made some bad ones. And because in certain things i just cant even decide what the hell i want to do...like i still havent done my masters degree, because i dont know what i want to study!!! Im interested in too many things.

But a good friend of mine told me that i should look things in a different perspective, because everything happens for a reason and in this sense, nothing is ever wasted.... and that we always have the power to change our lives.

But it can only happen if we are honestly and absolutely ready for that change. Beucause otherwise it will not happen. Fear and the bad memories from childhood and past lives have a strong influence on us unfortunately, so one of the most important thing is to learn how to let go... the past situations, the pain, the bad memories we have. Thats the only way to give space for the new and better things to come in our lives.

And you know, just like one's life could be shattered within a moment, good things could come as unexpectedly and as rapidly as you would have never imagined. At least this is what happened to me when I met my bf. Out of blue, when i really didn't expected it and when i was kinda giving up on relationships...

So just be open to the new things and new possibilities to come

posted March 08, 2013 07:39 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Dreamy_AriesGirl:

Its not just you, i think a lot of us is dealing with similar issues.

So just be open to the new things and new possibilities to come

---

Saturn is currently going through Scorpio.

I don't know how that affects everyone here, maybe some are Saturn in Scorpio generation, maybe it makes aspects to other planets.

Either way, it is a time where lessons will be taught, about what matters to you. You have the choice to either listen and make those changes that you need most, and be rewarded for it. Or ignore the lesson and continue on safely. Yes change is scary, the unknown can be terrifying. But have you ever done something you were unsure about, and it turned out to be wonderful? Like that first taste of, Strawberry Ice Cream, or that first kiss with someone you like?

'The strongest prisons are the ones we build for ourselves, out of fear, pain, and regret.'

quote:

---

Originally posted by Hera:


I have this coworker. She's 39. I don't think she's too old for marriage/babies/etc, but she does. Unfortunately, sorrow and pain and loss.. leave terrible, irreversible scars. Not just in wrinkles or stretchmarks. But also on one's soul.

How do you know when you run out of chances? How do you know when you push your luck? How do you pick yourself up again after you lost, big?

To late to have children on my own for example (I am 38 years now).

Damn it I have the interpersonal experience of a 14 year old! All because of the psychological cryogenic sleep I had put myself in!

---

38 is not too old to have a child. My mother was 37 and my father 41 when they had me. It is not too late for your co-worker or you to have children, if it is something you really want.

We never run out of chances.
We never run out of luck.
And I pick myself up because I have hope, hope that I can work towards the things I wish for.

And it doesn't matter whether you have the interpersonal experience of a 14 year old, everything can be new, fresh, and exciting. It can be a journey of self and joint discovery, and you will find someone to share it with you.

Scars are what make us unique, they are what makes us beautiful. They hurt, and sometimes they are deep. We may always carry them with us. But we have a great capacity for healing under the right circumstances.

quote:

---

Originally posted by FireMoon:
once you feel like it's your fault for missing out on opportunities it's hard to believe you deserve anything better in the future. Like looking back I've met a lot of great people who wanted to see the best in me and believed in my potential, but it's sooo much easier to remember the negative people and experiences when it re-enforces how you already feel..

Now he's over it and how do I move on from that knowing or thinking it is more than partially my fault?

---

If it is your fault for missing out on opportunities, it is tough. But try and use that to spur yourself not to make the same mistake. If you want something good and positive, work towards it, and you will deserve it. All these people that have seen something in you, they can't all be wrong, there are how many of them, and just 1 of you. I understand that they don't know you like you do. However, they must have seen something, find it, and feel it.

Hopefully one day you will look into a mirror, and realise that you are enough, just the way you are, everything you are, is good enough. If you want to change and be more, then that is wonderful, but you are a wonderful person just the way you are.

It depends, if you really want to be with him, then find a way to approach him. If you truly feel like he is your soul mate, you should try everything to make it work.

The past cannot be erased.
But the future can still be written.

quote:

---

Originally posted by teasel:

anyone else, it seems, is better than I am).

---

Any one person is not better than another. You are no less, or no less deserving than anyone else. Maybe because you feel you don't deserve better, you don't look or try for it. I know it is hard to change that feeling. Every one of us is unique and beautiful, every one of us has flaws, that is what makes us different. I know we all have so much to give, it definitely helps having someone who understands and can give to you. Try to search out someone who can give to you freely, and let them help you to heal and give of yourself. There are things you can do that no one else can, because every one of us is unique.

Very few people will ever reach their potential, because I believe our potential is limitless.

Maybe I sound like i've got it together, but I don't. I feel similar to many in this thread. For starters, I'm working two jobs, of which neither I find personally fulfilling. This is for me to change, I am using them to save money, and make some changes in my life.

My point is, please don't ever give up on yourself.

- Chris