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Author
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Topic: Cutting an abusive person out of your life-if he is your brother?
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elixir
Knowflake Posts: 417
From: seattle,wa
Registered: Apr 2012
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posted March 07, 2013 05:26 PM
  
So basically I had a standoff with my younger brother today. He is younger than me but he is bigger and stronger and when he doesn't get his way he gets verbally and physically abusive. An hour later he apologizes and expects everything to go back to normal. So, I decide this time its enough and I'm done with him. I told him I am cutting him out of my life and for him not to expect anything from me anymore. And...I told him hes not my brother anymore. Do you think that I went to far with that last part? My mom thought I went overboard and she sees it like a curse or something but I am done with him treating me like this.IP: Logged |
SunChild
Moderator Posts: 3712
From: Australia
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted March 07, 2013 05:32 PM
It doesn't matter who they are! I have cut family members out of my life if they are out of line and abusive.
You set your standard and keep your integrity, you are doing the moral-action and never feel guilty for doing so, sad yes, but don't feel guilty, no matter what any one says.
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elixir
Knowflake Posts: 417
From: seattle,wa
Registered: Apr 2012
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posted March 07, 2013 05:45 PM
Thanks. IP: Logged |
12muddy
Knowflake Posts: 131
From:
Registered: Feb 2013
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posted March 07, 2013 05:57 PM
"Family is a privilege, not a right." - unknown. No, I don't think you went overboard.
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Lexxigramer
Moderator Posts: 1830
From: The Etheric Realms...Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat...& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Feb 2012
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posted March 07, 2013 06:09 PM
quote:
Originally posted by elixir:
So basically I had a standoff with my younger brother today. He is younger than me but he is bigger and stronger and when he doesn't get his way he gets verbally and physically abusive. An hour later he apologizes and expects everything to go back to normal. So, I decide this time its enough and I'm done with him. I told him I am cutting him out of my life and for him not to expect anything from me anymore. And...I told him hes not my brother anymore. Do you think that I went to far with that last part? My mom thought I went overboard and she sees it like a curse or something but I am done with him treating me like this.
In my original reply I said:
You did the right thing.However see my next post to you below;
inquiring about you and your brother's age and residence.
IP: Logged |
PixieJane
Knowflake Posts: 1821
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted March 07, 2013 07:19 PM
Seems overkill to me to say he's not your brother anymore, but also understandable, and probably easier than trying to explain "until you gain some impulse control and act like an adult." And just maybe it will get him to think more about his behavior more if it hurts him more rather than merely being inconvenient and his thinking you just need a little more time than usual to get over it before repeating the cycle. If I were the mom in this sitch I'd focus on HIS behavior rather than yours and only when I felt like he'd truly changed (which would take a long time before I really thought he had) would I even think about suggesting you give him a chance to apologize and start over (and even then I'd probably just say he's finally gained some maturity and perhaps let y'all mix at Thanksgiving, unless alcohol flows freely then and that's the root of his behavior problem). IP: Logged |
Lexxigramer
Moderator Posts: 1830
From: The Etheric Realms...Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat...& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Feb 2012
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posted March 07, 2013 09:03 PM
elixir;
I edited my previous post because:I feel we here need to know your age and your brother's age before we continue giving you advice. Are you both under age 18?
Do you both live with your mother?
I replied assuming you are an adult;
but then thought;
better inquire on that. IP: Logged |
SunChild
Moderator Posts: 3712
From: Australia
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted March 07, 2013 09:19 PM
^^ Good point. An adult world is a lot different to a teen/young adult world, especially if you all still live at home ect..That would make a difference in your strategy. Abuse is never ok, though if you're young teens the adults would have to step in. I have a feeling you're an adult though. IP: Logged |
Love&Light
Knowflake Posts: 554
From: India
Registered: Oct 2011
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posted March 07, 2013 10:21 PM
Its OK. But i think in the last part about him not being your brother give him some time (but don't tell him about it. Let him continue to think that you have severed off the tie) and see if he is showing any remorse or change for the better in his thinking and behaviour towards you. If not then close the chapter. Just what i felt.IP: Logged |
charmainec
Moderator Posts: 6214
From: Venus next to Randall
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted March 08, 2013 02:14 AM
Any form of abuse is never ok, no matter who the person is.
------------------
quote:
Remember, love can conquer the influences of the planets....It can even eliminate karma.
Linda GoodmanIP: Logged |
elixir
Knowflake Posts: 417
From: seattle,wa
Registered: Apr 2012
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posted March 08, 2013 06:04 AM
My family has a twisted way of thinking and the allow this kind of stuff to happen over and over again. I think part of them likes the drama and they don't really want things to change. So when I do something drastic like this they act like I am psycho. quote:
Originally posted by PixieJane:
Seems overkill to me to say he's not your brother anymore, but also understandable, and probably easier than trying to explain "until you gain some impulse control and act like an adult." And just maybe it will get him to think more about his behavior more if it hurts him more rather than merely being inconvenient and his thinking you just need a little more time than usual to get over it before repeating the cycle. If I were the mom in this sitch I'd focus on HIS behavior rather than yours and only when I felt like he'd truly changed (which would take a long time before I really thought he had) would I even think about suggesting you give him a chance to apologize and start over (and even then I'd probably just say he's finally gained some maturity and perhaps let y'all mix at Thanksgiving, unless alcohol flows freely then and that's the root of his behavior problem).
IP: Logged |
elixir
Knowflake Posts: 417
From: seattle,wa
Registered: Apr 2012
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posted March 08, 2013 06:14 AM
He is almost 18, I'm 22. I don't live with my mom but he does. I went over there yesterday morning to drop off some laundry I did for her because she needs to get her machines repaired and she asked me to drive him to school. So this all started happening in the car. He started yelling at me to be more careful while I was driving and he started hitting the dashboard. I pulled over and took the keys and my purse out of the car to call my mom to come deal with it. He didn't hit me but he has been violent in the past so I told him I would call the police if he touched me. There were some people outside so he was afraid to do anything. He refused to get out of the car so I waited for my mom to come. He called me a few names but didn't touch me. He told a twisted version of the story to my sister so she came in the house and started saying that she believes his side of the story. Its all so completely skewed. And then he is calm again and apologizes and I said no i don't trust you anymore you are still lying so i left. I'm just desensitized to his and the rest of my family's BS. quote:
Originally posted by Lexxigramer:
elixir;
I edited my previous post because:I feel we here need to know your age and your brother's age before we continue giving you advice. Are you both under age 18?
Do you both live with your mother?
I replied assuming you are an adult;
but then thought;
better inquire on that.
IP: Logged |
PixieJane
Knowflake Posts: 1821
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted March 08, 2013 10:25 PM
The good is that if he's 17 then he may yet gain some impulse control by the time he's 25. I see nothing wrong with keeping contact with him to a minimum until then.On the bad it sounds like you just need to get away from your family in general, as in making the relationship more distant and not one where they can take for granted that you'll do their errands. IP: Logged |
freebrainstorms
Knowflake Posts: 788
From:
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted March 14, 2013 04:27 PM
i don't know your history but have you ever considered the fact that his actions might be caused by mental illness? especially if goes right back to normal afterwards...I'm nowhere near a specialist, but it might be something worth thinking about/looking into. IP: Logged |
Lindaland
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