posted March 18, 2013 02:06 AM            

I often only met them at the end of the day. They would put groceries in the fridge . leave money on the table and went away for days at a time. My father was a bit better than mother. She tries her best to ignore me. He at least paid me a bit of attention every now and then. When I was little he would talk to me and protect me. It’s like having a “pet” that you’re not overly fond of, but it’s your “pet”. So you don’t spoil it with love, but you don’t want it to die either. Father became sick later so yeah, can’t blame him. There were two years we lived without mother. During those two years, at least he allowed me to follow him around, so I still have some nice memories.

Growing up with little parental guidance, I grow up to be a bit of a feral animal. I had very limited sense of what’s right and what’s wrong, etiquette and morals and ethics and what not. I learned all of that at school, reading and by observing other people.

On the other hand, I think it helps in a twisted way. I didn’t have to parent them, I only had to learn how to take care of myself. Most people tells me that I must have a wonderful childhood with caring parents, since I laugh so much and I seem just so eager to live. The truth is, growing up with parents like mine; I realize that laughter and hope are two of the few things that can really get a person through the darkest days. So in a way, no one gave me much affection, that’s how I learn to appreciate every single person who is nice to me. And I learn not to be too critical or expect too much from people.

And to my credit, I learned how to cook at a very young age. Washing my clothes, cleaning the house, fixing stuff, going to the doctor, feeling my own forehead, taking tablets.... I learned how to use hammers and nails and changing the light bulbs and what not.

Moved out of the house at 15. I still keep in touch with them. Father normally doesn’t pay much attention to what I do, mother normally would like to confirm the statement that her daughter is a failure. But well I guess I’ll just have to love them for just the way they are <sing>

posted March 18, 2013 02:38 AM            

I might respond with my thoughts later...

Right now, i just appreciate you sharing your experience and thinking about it......

what lives some people have lived!

bet it helped you develop a great sense of humor, didnt it?

posted March 18, 2013 06:59 AM            

Thank you for opening this thread, I’ve spent some time to think about the past and have done a bit of self-reflection. That doesn’t happen often because most of the time, I push these memories to the back of my head.

posted March 18, 2013 09:04 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by 12muddy:
The truth is, growing up with parents like mine; I realize that laughter and hope are two of the few things that can really get a person through the darkest days. So in a way, no one gave me much affection, that’s how I learn to appreciate every single person who is nice to me. And I learn not to be too critical or expect too much from people.

---

*Hug* I love when people don't take others for granted...though I'm sorry to hear you learned this the hard way."

quote:

---

Originally posted by 12muddy:
And to my credit, I learned how to cook at a very young age. Washing my clothes, cleaning the house, fixing stuff, going to the doctor, feeling my own forehead, taking tablets.... I learned how to use hammers and nails and changing the light bulbs and what not.

---

Capricorn

posted March 18, 2013 09:06 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by T:
I also left home at 15. Seems like eons ago now....

---

Really? I never would have guessed that. You have so much sophistication, I imagined you in academies and such.

Pardon me if I'm overly huggy, but my Pisces moon is in overdrive from all the Pisces in the air...so *hug* to you, too.

posted March 18, 2013 09:35 AM            

They handled their divorce like children, though - violent fights, court battles. I got to testify
I was pretty much left to my own devices after that (14).
I began working a lot, slacked off of school, though I paid for and took the SATs on my own.
I still graduated with honors, though I wish I had focused more.
That's probably why I joined the Army right after HS - I scored very high on the ASVAB and DLAB, so they rolled out te red carpet. It was nice to feel wanted. LOL.

I can't complain, though - many have had immeasurably worse.
My husband, for instance, was born to a teen Mom and a motorcycle gang-initiate felon; was homeless and in unstable housing through much of his early childhood; had parents who actively thwarted the school system's efforts to put him in an accelerated/individualized program and then an intensive math and science program because it wasn't "cool"; had a dad he didn't see for much of his childhood and a Mom who was burned through abusive relationships (of the "the cops have been called again" variety); and two parents who were addicts...and a Mom who was Baker-Acted twice.

He ended up raising himself and his siblings until he left after his Mom doused the house in gasoline and tried to burn it down.

posted March 18, 2013 04:17 PM            

quote:

---

It’s safe for me to say that I appreciate humour. My own jokes are wacked lol
Thank you for opening this thread, I’ve spent some time to think about the past and have done a bit of self-reflection. That doesn’t happen often because most of the time, I push these memories to the back of my head.

<3 <3

---

Same here. Over time and seperation from family now I have a completely new perspective of it all.

posted March 18, 2013 04:38 PM            

I do believe a defining moment in my life was shortly after I turned 5. I got up while the 'rents were sleeping it off and tried to wake them to feed me and got hit so hard my feet came off the floor and I bounced off the wall and then yelled at for crying over it. So next time I didn't wake them, I went to the kitchen and THOUGHT about it. I don't recall how long it took but I finally figured to use a chair to get to the cereal cabinet, use a spatula (which also opened the cabinet for me) & wooden spoon to pry out a box of Cheerios, and the rest was easy. And as I ate a wonderful filling filled me that I could do it myself and I always wanted to be the one to take care of myself.

As for the callousness and outright cruelty (thankfully true cruelty was fairly rare, even if it was more common than kindness, and I see myself more as a survivor of child neglect than abuse, though I'm not counting the violence they did to each other that I witnessed and was terrified by or like when Dad damaged Mom's brakes and I was in the car when her brakes went out), and the violent dysfunction I was raised in has made me stronger, I think. Fighter by Christina Aguilera always makes me think of it, even though I realize it's actually supposed to be about a lover who treats her bad I automatically adapt it to toxic parental love with its lines like this:

"After all that you put me through,
You think I'd despise you,
But in the end I wanna thank you,
'Cause you've made me that much stronger."

That said, there's an odd (if perhaps inconsequential) bit, too...I got scared because I'd see Dad fall asleep (passing out) with a lit cigarette in his hands but I didn't dare get it (perhaps because I'd already been spanked for doing that) and it would scare me into having nightmares of that leading to fires that chased me everywhere. To this day I still sometimes dream of fires chasing me...though oddly I sometimes dream about having pyrokinetic powers, too. Go figure.

I do recall once making a conscious choice to laugh instead of cry when I could and perhaps that's why I love comedy so much today and have a tendency toward silliness (that I have to watch closely when I'm online).

posted March 18, 2013 08:18 PM            

Though I marvel at how strong and wise you are now..and your husband sounds like a great person mockingbird...I see this as the "triumph of the human spirit"..happening in our supposedly ordinary lives.

posted March 18, 2013 08:49 PM            

i would never say i was neglected, but we were urged outdoors and to be self-managing and i appreciated that immensely. there were also a lot of tirades (my dad was the russian/polish child of a PTSD mother who let rip frequently) and my mother - who never raised her voice - could make you feel two inches tall with a look, or a clever but cutting remark. they belonged to a wide circle of creative people who considered drinking to be almost mandatory, cocktail and dinner parties were common at home and away, and i and my three sisters generally took care of each other (older sisters are quite a LOT older than me and my lil sis) happily and safely...

while not minimizing or excusing the damage that can be done to children,

i don't think anyone had "normal" parenting really, not anyone i know anyway...but i often envied friends whose grandmothers lived with them...one friend's parents were ALWAYS in an alcoholic fog and grandma ran the whole show! because i tend to think that it is only when one has raised one's children that wisdom and kindness get the airing they deserve.

most parents are stressed out trying to keep all the balls in the air, communicate with each other and us despite fatigue and pressures we as children don't even suspect.

posted March 19, 2013 03:21 AM            

Faith: Hug you too

posted March 20, 2013 12:19 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
mockingbird and PJ, your lives are worse than I imagined...and I'm sad that your husband grew up like that, mockingbird. I hate thinking of children being abused or neglected, it literally makes my skin crawl.

Though I marvel at how strong and wise you are now..and your husband sounds like a great person mockingbird...I see this as the "triumph of the human spirit"..happening in our supposedly ordinary lives.

---

My husband's a frikkin' story of the triumph of the human will, though. There's so much more, some of which I've alluded to in other posts (black-out beatings, being his drunk Mom's DD as a young teen, severe verbal abuse...it goes on). His siblings came out a bit more bruised and he had a rough few years in his early 20s, but, yeah - he's an exceptional person, and I'll brag on him all day (as my posts will attest ). He is wounded, damaged even, though, and so sensitive - astrology plays out, I guess, with his 1H Chiron conj Asc and his Moon conj Neptune.

I get so angry about his past sometimes - it seems so unjust that so much of his potential was dampened, wasted - but what are you going to do?
His mother has legitimate mental health issues - I'm not sure how I much I can hold against her - and his Dad...well, he's a twelve-stepper now and is what he is.
And, as my husband will point out, if he'd been allowed to go into accelerated, individualized instruction or permitted to enter his state's math and science magnet school - if anything had changed - we may never have met.
Still, I sometimes wish I could magically make it all happen for him, or perhaps just game those realities so he could see and know the extraordinary heights of which he's capable.