posted April 11, 2013 08:36 PM            

What really contributes to the insecurity is a lot of disapproval among girls is done behind the back. Guys will often mock their friends to their face and such so they have a much better idea where they stand, but with girls it's a smile to the face and knife to the back, telling her she looks pretty and then whispering to each other how hideous she looks. And that's a BIG DEAL to them, far more than it is to an adult (well, most of them). If enough people start putting metaphoric daggers in her back (and they can do it over the most trivial reasons) then the contempt will become more open, she'll be out, cut off (a fate worse than death!), and likely abused (maybe even physically). Even worse, most kids haven't grasped the impermanence of things so they think something so horrible is for forever.

Oh, and a good way to prevent that backstabbing gossip (from a teen's perspective) is to stay with them (preferably in person, but phones & computers work) as much as possible.

Again, it's temporary. She should be peaking in her distant behavior toward family now, and it will probably be a few years before she seems like a full member again. And it's not like she doesn't love y'all, it's just a very hard, confusing time for her now and she has to become her own person. Don't think this is easy for her at all, she's probably constantly tormenting herself internally, and part of her wants to be a little girl again while another part wants to fly far & free from the nest.

And body image? Wow, female bodies are morphing so crazy then and there's so much judgment by peers over it, no wonder she's concerned with her looks. Hopefully she'll outgrow that as well (but it seems to me a lot fewer do).

As for studying that late...I do have my doubts that they're studying, though I think it's reasonable to believe they might do some studying on the side (but it also wouldn't surprise me if they're not studying at all).

So is it normal (as opposed to universal)? Yes. It's also normal to be hurt by it. But look on the bright side: you're not her. There's no way I'd go back to being a teenager again (not if it included having the mind of one)...

posted April 11, 2013 08:59 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by somethingexcellent:
She's spending most of her time with FIENDS?

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Nice catch!

posted April 12, 2013 03:45 AM            

Thank you for your explanation, i didn't expect anyone to answer. I edited it because as I mentioned the subject seemed quite trivial and well I don't like making people waste their time. So I really appreciate this.

What bothers me isn't really the fact that she's self-absorbed. Or even the fact that she likes to hang out with friends and have fun (which is pretty normal to me). I just feel like she doesn't want to be around us. It feels as if she's not loved at home and is looking for love, validation and acceptance from others.
She admits it herself that she needs other people's approval to be and feel happy. The problem is I find this type of behavior dangerous. She was best friend with a girl at one point, and it really bordered more on soul mate love. Turned out the girl extensively lied to her and if we hadn't pushed the barriers she had built to hide everything from us, she might have ended in a really bad condition. Because of this incident I really don't see her as mature enough yet to be able to be her own person and enjoy interacting with others.
It's true I do not really understand what social pressure can be at her age since I didn't go through that teenage craze most people go through, with issues of fitting in, being accepted and such (but well I'm sort of going through a peer pressure/identity crisis for very different reasons but that's not the point).

Overall it worries me and saddens me to see on one hand to what extent she can go just to be accepted by people an on the other how little she cares for us. We've become like a chore to her. I feel like she has this huge emptiness that she tries to fill with friends and outings which are fun but rather meaningless. Now it's probably something most people go through but I don't think anyone can take advantage from trying to hard to be "one of them"
I constantly try and tell her to be her own person and not just follow others to fit in. I think everyone at one point an at this age especially ha to define their own limits, what they would do an what they won't. No one wants others to like them or hang out with them for the wrong reasons. Integrity is a huge thing to me.
But well whenever I get into this sort of talk, she just brushes me off saying that anyway how would I know. She has this weird idea that I am not social or never had friends which is not true, whatever I won't get into details but she sues this as the ultimate "you don't understand".

posted April 12, 2013 08:31 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by ueharaa:
I just feel like she doesn't want to be around us. It feels as if she's not loved at home and is looking for love, validation and acceptance from others.
She admits it herself that she needs other people's approval to be and feel happy. The problem is I find this type of behavior dangerous. She was best friend with a girl at one point, and it really bordered more on soul mate love. Turned out the girl extensively lied to her and if we hadn't pushed the barriers she had built to hide everything from us, she might have ended in a really bad condition. Because of this incident I really don't see her as mature enough yet to be able to be her own person and enjoy interacting with others.

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It potentially can be dangerous and they do need to be looked after. I'd like to correct my "don't worry" to "don't worry too much." Care has to be taken, very stupid mistakes are likely to be made, there's a lot of hidden viciousness (which is both caused by and causes in turn a lot of raging insecurity) teen girls do to each other even between besties, and so it can be bad...but most kids get through it eventually (granted, not everyone does, a few remain stuck in that state even if they live near a century).

And of course she's not mature enough yet to be her own person. That's what she's in the process of becoming, and these are growing pains (unless you want to lock her in a cage, but that's a cure worse than the disease)...and they're as likely to be painful to family as to herself (especially if the parents also have a problem with maturity or wrestling with raging insecurities similar to many teens, a problem that is depressingly common for many parents, some are actually worse than the kids).

And given her likely fears and concerns she doesn't understand you or what you're trying to say anymore than you understand her.

Now IIRC you're not her parent so there isn't much you can do but wait it out hoping for the best, and most kids do eventually grow out of it. But if the 'rents are finding it frustrating and worrisome as well then they might find Queen Bees and Wannabes very helpful as it describes Girl World very well and gives a lot of suggestions on how to approach it. I normally view books aimed at parents on raising kids with a lot of cynicism as they tend to be far too simplistic, miss a lot of nuances, and seem to want to stroke parental egos and offer easy answers (or alternately inspire panic) to sell more books, but I've made an exception for this one (I'm not saying it's perfect IMO, but I still highly recommend it for parents with teens like her).