posted April 12, 2013 06:45 PM            

At any rate, I just feel so cursed for having her. It is like a curse that never stops. It is never mitigated. It just hurts like hell and never, ever stops.

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posted April 12, 2013 09:24 PM            

Looking at that I'd have to say that my mom certainly leaned that way at the very least. She often laughed in delight at the misery of others, and laughed even harder when she caused that misery herself, which she would if she felt offended somehow. She sometimes openly stated how inferior she considered others, and degradation & dehumanization were a hobby of hers (at least at times).

And she certainly used me to her own ends, and when she was finally shunned by everyone she turned to me for comfort. It's some rather sad memories, I despised her for forcing me to live with her just so she could get the child support and yet I pitied her at the same time as she was so sad & pathetic. She'd react very poorly (including petty revenge) if I avoided her, and even when I indulged her she could be cruel. For example she'd show me her modeling portfolio (blaming her becoming a mother to me for ruining that career before it got properly started, and thus ruining her life, and of course it was my fault though it was her decision rather than mine), she'd brag so much (including of enduring abuse which I also felt pity over that she thought that was GOOD, I think it encouraged me to reject femininity somewhat because I didn't want to be associated with that), and no matter how genuinely sympathetic or interested I got (which happened once in awhile) she'd find ways to put me down. Like after extolling herself as model material (at least back in her "glory days") she'd then run a critical eye over me and make comments about my teeth not straight enough, freckles, too short (5' 2"/1.5748m back then), that I wasn't blonde enough to be the best, and all this despite I had no interest in being a model and putting up with what she did. So even when I gave her what she wanted she still cut me down.

posted April 12, 2013 10:04 PM            

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posted April 12, 2013 10:05 PM            

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posted April 13, 2013 03:44 AM            

I don't think my mother is very narcissistic.
But she does have her issues that can be too much to deal with, sometimes.

We have to keep in mind though, that no one is perfect. And while we may think of ourselves as "healthier" than them, we'd be nothing without them.

posted April 13, 2013 06:56 AM            

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posted April 13, 2013 06:57 AM            

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posted April 13, 2013 08:03 AM            

One thing that happened today: my mother asked me to put on a sweater to see if it fit me, and you know what she said?

...

"You look like a plank" - meaning, I'm so flatchested and uncurvy that it's ridiculous. Umm.. thank you, mom. Really nice comment there! But I didn't take it that seriously though, because she is overweight and I'm not, and when she notices that I eat healthy and am concerned about my diet, she often can't help but throw biting remarks at me. I guess it's a form of self-defense or something.

Anyway, that kind of thing happens all the time. She will criticize me and then act surprised if I get irritated. I really dislike that about her and so does everyone else (that's why she gets into fights with everyone so often).

Sorry for ranting but sometimes it really gets to me how she judges me and tells everyone I'm "like this and like that" - in a victim tone. I'm the bad guy and she always feels the urge to criticize the crap out of me - especially to other people. Like she's awlays on the phone badmouthing me and my sister and makes sure I can hear all of it. How messed up is that? I think that's one of the main reasons I have such low self-esteem, really. And funny thing is: she's always the one asking "why do you have such a low opinion of yourself?!" like it's so surprising! and I just want to be like "Umm maybe because you've been putting me down ever since I was born?" but I just keep it to myself, ya know.

Phew, okay, enough venting.

Sorry this was off topic, just needed to let that out.

posted April 13, 2013 08:11 AM            

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posted April 13, 2013 08:37 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Doux Rêve:
Oh okay, haha.
Aw sure, I'd like to hear from you!
It's been a long time.
And, you are never alone! There are tons of people out there with similar issues. Don't worry we're all in it together

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I am always here for you, too, Darling. We may be far in time and space but never in the hearts

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posted April 13, 2013 03:51 PM            

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posted April 13, 2013 08:17 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by katatonic:
I remember my sister, age 40 something, complaining that she just wanted our mother to "be a mom"...this kind of talk, i believe, is rooted in denial of adulthood. By that time our mother needed help from US.

Hashing over the past has limited value imho. It keeps you in a childish frame of mind..

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I would say that you have the right answer such as would be at in the teacher's book. I remember wishing I could nab the teacher's book so I could get all the right math answers. However, many of us are not there and may never get there or may, I don't know but we need to discuss where we are. I do appreciate your input a great deal, Kat and the nice heart

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posted April 13, 2013 09:12 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
Pixie
The 10th House Chiron can be the father. Would that be the case with you?

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Dad is supremely selfish (though he can be funny), but I wouldn't call him a narcissist. And he didn't abuse me once I learned to stay out of his way. He certainly terrified me enough but that was when he directed his rage at Mom (and I was scared of being collateral damage, so to speak).

It was kinda funny, the last time I had any contact at all with him since I was 14 was shortly before I turned 22, and then I saw him for the last time (so far) for only a couple of hours. I mentioned the time he took the shotgun away from Mom who'd tried shooting him with it and said I admired that he was calm about it rather than beating her (or worse) with it. I asked if he liked guns and told him how proficient I was in firearms, and then asked if he'd like to go shooting with me and for a brief second there was a look of panic in his eyes before it went away and he said he didn't do much plinking anymore.

From time to time I've mailed Christmas cards (and even the rare package) to both Mom & Dad over the years, and though I have yet to receive even a simple acknowledgement for it they've never been returned to me either (and when I saw Mom in 2011 she was wearing some of the jewelry I'd sent her).

Most of the time it doesn't bother me...but once in awhile it has (not in a long while). I recall being very depressed and once (7 years ago at the very least, maybe longer ago than that) I was listening to depressing songs one Father's Day over his coldness to me but refusing a friend's offer to get drunk because for me alcohol just makes me feel whatever I'm feeling that much more, and I certainly didn't want to feel worse than I already did.

posted April 13, 2013 09:17 PM            

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posted April 14, 2013 03:15 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
Your pain sounds like it could be a Chiron in the 10th --the father. Have you had a hard time with career, too?

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Not exactly.

But I've always maintained distance and self-autonomy, working for myself or as an independent contractor (and once when someone tried abusing me the way some bosses do regular employees I bailed despite the money I lost doing so, I'm nobody's wage slave). My income tends to be highly variable (though I conveniently do better in the holidays so Christmas usually isn't a problem, though of course Christmas drains a lot of my extra profits). And I forget where I read it and the details but one explanation of my natal chart says I'm likely to be lucky enough to get by but not likely to do more than that, and it does appear that's going to be right.

posted April 14, 2013 04:14 AM            

But, I always contend that my mom always ruins everything.

I've somewhat learned to "go around her".

posted April 14, 2013 07:22 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by PixieJane:
Not exactly.

But I've always maintained distance and self-autonomy, working for myself or as an independent contractor (and once when someone tried abusing me the way some bosses do regular employees I bailed despite the money I lost doing so, I'm nobody's wage slave). My income tends to be highly variable (though I conveniently do better in the holidays so Christmas usually isn't a problem, though of course Christmas drains a lot of my extra profits). And I forget where I read it and the details but one explanation of my natal chart says I'm likely to be lucky enough to get by but not likely to do more than that, and it does appear that's going to be right.

I've attributed my independence to my Sag energy, but maybe there's an element on not wanting to be dependent on Daddy, too?

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No, I more meant that Chiron in the 10th seems to be a hard father relationship and this also can translate into a hard career road These Chiron's may feel ostracized from society too for the reason of not having the kind of career they can be proud of or they have something which makes them feel they are "different" from traditional society such as being multi racial, born out of wedlock or feeling like everyone has excelled in careers but they. They suffer a wound from this and this seems to be an outgrowth from the relationship with the father, often.

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posted April 14, 2013 03:49 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by katatonic:
Also, the 10th can equally indicate mother...my own chart has my dad's sun smack on the IC and my mother's AC on my MC...

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Yes, they can be reversed in some cases.

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