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Author Topic:   Potential partners and different views on children and/or marriage
I'm so cappy
Knowflake

Posts: 640
From: Poland/Saturn
Registered: Nov 2012

posted April 22, 2013 10:22 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for I'm so cappy     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Do you think it makes sense to get involved with someone who doesn't agree with you on these matters if you want a serious, commited, lasting relationship?

I've been thinking about it lately. I've been always single and currently I don't feel like anything more than hanging out but if this moment ever comes and I find someone I want to share my life with and vice versa, there might be one problem - I don't want to get married nor have children. And if that man did want these things and we became a couple, I would probably always be scared deep down that sooner or later this is gonna fall apart because of it. I don't think I could completely ignore it like many people in love do. And then after a few years BAM! it's over. So...do you think it's better to forget about getting into a relationship if there's a disagreement at such a fundamental level? Let's assume that it's clear before things get serious.

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asclibrasagsun
Knowflake

Posts: 1279
From:
Registered: Aug 2012

posted April 22, 2013 10:44 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for asclibrasagsun     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I think your opinion will change when you truly fall in love, you then will want to both get married to that person and maybe have children. It sounds like you have insecurity issues when you say that you think it would fall apart. Learn to love, learn to trust. The rest is up to fate <3
Many people have their marriages fall apart but they end up finding another great partner with whom they continue their lives with. No need to have such a dark view of things, this is not really black or white, there is no clear answer and no one can guarantee you that they will be with you together forever.

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PixieJane
Knowflake

Posts: 2071
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010

posted April 22, 2013 10:45 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by I'm so cappy:
do you think it's better to forget about getting into a relationship if there's a disagreement at such a fundamental level? Let's assume that it's clear before things get serious

Yes. At least going by the assumption that both are firm in their desire then they'd only continue it because they each believe they can change the other's mind. Seems better to go after someone you can actually live with rather than someone someone so incompatible yet hope to radically change (who in turn hopes to change you). Of course if you've made your decision out of some past bitterness but WANT to have your mind changed against your cynicism then that's different...

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I'm so cappy
Knowflake

Posts: 640
From: Poland/Saturn
Registered: Nov 2012

posted April 22, 2013 10:53 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for I'm so cappy     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
they'd only continue it because they each believe they can change the other's mind

Yeah, this is what I'm talking about. This is not something you can compromise. You do it or not. And if you do, there's no turning back.

quote:
It sounds like you have insecurity issues when you say that you think it would fall apart.

I would never force myself to have children no matter how much I loved a man. I'd rather leave him or let him leave me. How could it not fall apart then if he pressured me? Besides I simply wouldn't like to make him unhappy. Or myself.


I realize my opinions might change. But they might never change as well. If there is no true desire and readiness on my side, there's no chance I'll give in, especially when it comes to children. I'm not going to experiment on them!

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YoursTrulyAlways
Knowflake

Posts: 5172
From:
Registered: Oct 2011

posted April 22, 2013 11:07 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for YoursTrulyAlways     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
You better make your intentions well understood from the get-go.

Most men (with certain exceptions like myself) are generally indifferent about the marriage/children thing until they hit a certain magical age, and would be happy to overlook any such issues.

When men hit a certain age, they have either decided that they want children, or they don't want children. Some want marriage, some are pressured into marriage, and some are just happy with bachelorhood. However, when it comes to children, opinions are somewhat more strong.

Therefore, I would encourage you to have such discussions early in the relationship before you venture too far down that path.

For myself, and only for myself, I wouldn't even date a woman who isn't headed for marriage and serious about children. But that's just me and YMMV.

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I'm so cappy
Knowflake

Posts: 640
From: Poland/Saturn
Registered: Nov 2012

posted April 22, 2013 11:12 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for I'm so cappy     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
You better make your intentions well understood from the get-go.

I think this is what I'm going to do.


quote:
For myself, and only for myself, I wouldn't even date a woman who isn't headed for marriage and serious about children.

I understand.

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T
Knowflake

Posts: 9351
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted April 22, 2013 11:20 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for T     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Sometimes a guy won't want children or consider marriage to be a priority. Then later on down the road, you discover that a part of them did actually want children....

Sometimes it's a matter of them changing their minds down the road. Other times it's the beginning of a potential relationship and they are saying whatever just because they are into you and want to be with you, so they are just agreeing and don't want to think that far ahead. And maybe because they see that as something way too far of into the future and think that if that time comes you will change your mind.

I've been in a position like this before.

Not everything is meant to last forever. If something like this happened and you had to go your seperate ways, while painful, the experinece of the relationship most likely helped you both grow as individuals and not a waste of time.

I would say that if you find a guy that is adamant about wanting children right from the get-go and has his mind made up, it's probably not going to work out.

If someone is on the fence, it could work out. Either party could change their mind on these matters, so.....you kind of want to keep that in mind too.

People who think they want kids, or don't want kids could very well change their mind down the road. I've noticed it with people I know, though it's usually a surprise and unlikely.

Best of luck.

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Swift Freeze
Knowflake

Posts: 291
From: One World
Registered: Nov 2009

posted April 22, 2013 12:52 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Swift Freeze     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I agree with YTA. At some point before the relationship becomes long term, you need to figure out what it is you want, i.e. no children no marriage. Then you need to discuss this with your current partner. Continuing a relationship in which one person will have to relinquish or give up what they want, i.e. marriage no marriage, children no children etc. can be the cause of a lot of friction in a relationship.

That is definitely not to say that you should be afraid of having relationships that will not go the distance, we can always learn something new, about ourselves, about others, and about relationships. It takes time to find the right person. Equally though, you may not want to be in a relationship for 5 years to then find out that they want to get married and have children, I am not saying it is a waste of 5 years, but that is time you may have spent looking for someone more suited in lifestyle.

Either way the decision is completely yours, be assertive at some point, explain what it is you want from the relationship, listen to what they want from the relationship and you'll see if it will work out. Do not make yourself unhappy by doing things you don't want to.

- Chris

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Learn lots. Don't judge. Laugh for no reason. Be nice. Seek Happiness. Follow your dreams.

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Lexxigramer
Moderator

Posts: 2336
From: The Etheric Realms...Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat...& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Feb 2012

posted April 23, 2013 03:52 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lexxigramer     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Both of you lay your cards on the table.
If you do not agree on your core issues;
it will not work in the long run.
Don't waste your or their time.
Life is way too short for that.

PS.
How old are you?
I know that what I wanted before age 24 was a lot different than when I became older;
especially when I hit my late 30s and beyond.

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I'm so cappy
Knowflake

Posts: 640
From: Poland/Saturn
Registered: Nov 2012

posted April 23, 2013 08:24 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for I'm so cappy     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm 22. A few years ago I thought I wanted marriage and kids but now I know it was mostly because it seemed an obvious, "normal" order of things.


Thank you guys for your replies.

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YoursTrulyAlways
Knowflake

Posts: 5172
From:
Registered: Oct 2011

posted April 23, 2013 01:41 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for YoursTrulyAlways     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
On the other hand, I figured out what I wanted real early and zeroed in on it like a heat seeking missile. I did whatever was needed to accomplish my objectives. Whatever did not further my objectives was shoved aside. I think it is relevant to you, being a Capricorn.

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katatonic
Knowflake

Posts: 10024
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted April 23, 2013 03:51 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for katatonic     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
just as important as whether you want kids or not is how you each feel about how to treat/raise children should you have them.

my own feelings about motherhood changed completely...when i became pregnant. nothing would have stopped me having my baby.

and they changed again when i discovered that her father had very different ideas about the place of children in a relationship...and what they needed too.

22 is young. not too young to have babies, but young enough that you may change your mind down the road. so unless it becomes an issue i would continue having a relationship until the question comes up. at which point you will have an actual person to add to the equation and weigh all the factors, like children, in the balance.

but if you have kids you don't really want, they will be the biggest losers, not you or your partner.

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