posted April 23, 2013 04:08 PM            

I think I have internet anxiety. In real life, I can tell by people's behaviour and facial expressions what to say and I don't get too nervous. But then online where everyone takes everything so badly easily, I'm often scared to even reply. I don't want to stir anything up or hurt people because of something I've said.

I'll type a message and read it a couple of times to make sure it's appropriate... and then save it somewhere, thinking I can do it tomorrow. It's not so bad here, but it's still there. There will be topics I want to reply to but once I'm ready, it's already days late or it feels like I'm butting in.

I know it helps to just not care and go on with it. But there's this huge block and I find it so hard to get past it. *sigh* Let's say I've ran into a bunch of toxic internet communities/boards in the last few years. It's hurt my confidence a lot and especially about the way I write. I just freeze up when there's quick back-and-forth messages, though I'd really want to do it.

I think I'm scared that a nice debate turns into a major argument and fallout. Some of them kept up the constant jabs at me and happily picked things up when we ran into each other on another board about the same fandom. There was some stuff involved that bordered on bullying and stalking, yes.

I know, it's only the damn internet, I don't even know these people personally, but the constant badmouthing is just hard to forget. I've had people constantly judge and mock me for writing long posts and even now I'm scared it will happen again. Most of all, that nobody will talk to me just because of my posts. But it's my style of writing. I've tried, trust me. I just wonder how much what I write sucks too, if they're already this turned off by the layout. I literally get shaky hands over posting a long, thoughtful reply to someone here because I feel like I'm getting too personal as a newer member.

I do get more confidence once I'm comfortable. I become more playful and all. I have to get over the anxiety first, but how? It isn't as simple as "find something you have in common", actually, it happens especially when I seek something out about a hobby, TV show, band, etc.