|
Author
|
Topic: Boundaries
|
hannaramaa
Knowflake Posts: 4450
From:
Registered: Nov 2011
|
posted April 24, 2013 06:36 PM
  
What is the line between tolerating someone's behavior, and being that girl who's with a douchebag and complains about it but doesn't break up with him? I was in a situation with someone recently and I felt like I understood him better than my friends did, but he still sometimes hurt my feelings. I didn't tell him this ever, but my friends were constantly bothering me about him and his comments and giving me the "You can do better," talk. I knew he was being rude but it didn't phase me. Does that mean I have low self-esteem? Or were my friends just being nosy? I have always had a hard time discerning between what is acceptable and what isn't.IP: Logged |
Randall
Webmaster Posts: 27321
From: Saturn next to Charmainec
Registered: Apr 2009
|
posted April 24, 2013 06:54 PM
Maybe he was nice to you but an ahole to everyone else. Since he was nice to you, perhaps you overlooked his bad behavior? The problem is that if he is an ahole to everyone else, then he is just an ahole period plain and simple. If he was nice to you, it was just an act. A DB and a tool can't change its spots.IP: Logged |
aquaguy91
Moderator Posts: 6596
From: tennessee
Registered: Jan 2012
|
posted April 24, 2013 07:03 PM
If someone hurts you it is your responsibility to call them on their BS and let them know what they are doing isnt ok with you. If the person keeps doing what hurts you even though you told them it does you need to draw a line in the sand and tell them they are either going to have to clean up their act or lose you. I sympathize with women who are mistreated by men to a certain point , but after a certain point I lose all sympathy for them. I know too many women who let their men run all over them and it is really pathetic. The guys can cheat on them repeatedly and the women always take them back and forgive them. I'm all for the whole forgiveness thing but there comes a time when you should stop giving people chances and tell them to gtfo. IP: Logged |
Kerosene
Knowflake Posts: 1964
From: Mercury
Registered: Dec 2012
|
posted April 24, 2013 07:10 PM
I've been in this situation, not fun....
My friends were like "How can you take that.."
I can take a lot of abuse and I ignore a plethora of insults because I know its not "personal".
Op, I'm sure there are SO many positives and its hard..especially if you ignore the negative completely. The human mind is really messed up like that..One day I realized if someone truly does care about you they would never want to hurt you, ever.
Just know it can slowly escalate.
You should call him out on his behavior because it can lead to verbal abuse.
IP: Logged |
Randall
Webmaster Posts: 27321
From: Saturn next to Charmainec
Registered: Apr 2009
|
posted April 24, 2013 07:36 PM
If someone loves you, they want what's best for you. As Kerosene said, they would never try to hurt you. IP: Logged |
somethingexcellent
Knowflake Posts: 1042
From: walking with my head in the clouds!
Registered: Nov 2012
|
posted April 24, 2013 09:19 PM
quote:
hannaramaa: I have always had a hard time discerning between what is acceptable and what isn't.
What is acceptable to you and what isn't is exactly up for you to decide. If what he's doing is bothering you and you don't want him to continue to do it, then it's up to you to set the line and say 'hey these are my boundaries'. It works the other way too; if his behaviour isn't negatively affecting you, then it's within your boundaries, no? All in all, you should set your own boundaries based on what you're comfortable with. If you don't know what you're comfortable with and you're looking to others to help you decide, that just sounds a little ridiculous... IP: Logged |
hannaramaa
Knowflake Posts: 4450
From:
Registered: Nov 2011
|
posted April 24, 2013 09:20 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Kerosene:
I've been in this situation, not fun....
My friends were like "How can you take that.."
I can take a lot of abuse and I ignore a plethora of insults because I know its not "personal".
Op, I'm sure there are SO many positives and its hard..especially if you ignore the negative completely. The human mind is really messed up like that..One day I realized if someone truly does care about you they would never want to hurt you, ever.
Just know it can slowly escalate.
You should call him out on his behavior because it can lead to verbal abuse.
To me, it's not that bad. Then again I grew up with an emotionally abusive and manipulative mother, so I have a high tolerance for that kind of behavior. It would be little things like his tone with me, or he wasn't supportive of me having fun (the farthest it would go is one little sarcastic comments, or simply not asking how my trip went), or he would be thinking he's funny by commenting on my picture "eh." when everyone else is giving me a bunch of compliments. But you're right Kerosene, if someone really cares about you they'll back it up with actions. I think he thought he was doing that by persistently talking to me every day even on days I ignored him, and by sending me pictures of what he was doing throughout the day, but in the end it wasn't enough. IP: Logged |
hannaramaa
Knowflake Posts: 4450
From:
Registered: Nov 2011
|
posted April 24, 2013 09:25 PM
quote:
Originally posted by somethingexcellent:
What is acceptable to you and what isn't is exactly up for you to decide. If what he's doing is bothering you and you don't want him to continue to do it, then it's up to you to set the line and say 'hey these are my boundaries'. It works the other way too; if his behaviour isn't negatively affecting you, then it's within your boundaries, no?All in all, you should set your own boundaries based on what you're comfortable with. If you don't know what you're comfortable with and you're looking to others to help you decide, that just sounds a little ridiculous...
It wasn't so much I was looking for other people to set my own boundaries, but I would be venting to my friend (without the expectation of advice...I just needed an outlet) and she just goes off ranting about how he's a douchebag and I need to move on and how awful he's being to me. And she wasn't the only one who said so (none of my friends know each other btw) so I started wondering if I was missing something about my relationship with this guy. When I say I have a hard time discerning what's acceptable, I mean it somewhat in a Neptunian way but also like I get confused between what's normal and what's unacceptable behavior that requires dumping someone. I don't have a lot of relationship experience. IP: Logged |
PixieJane
Knowflake Posts: 2126
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
|
posted April 25, 2013 12:03 AM
People have bad days and annoy each other, even snap at each other from time to time, so if it's rare then it's probably not worth worrying about. OTOH, if you're constantly (like once a week at least) venting, then I'd almost certainly be telling you the same as your friends. Somewhere in between constant and rare...don't know, it depends. IP: Logged |
PixieJane
Knowflake Posts: 2126
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
|
posted April 25, 2013 12:08 AM
Btw, you might find this book useful which you can find at (or through) the library:You Just Don't Understand IP: Logged |
hannaramaa
Knowflake Posts: 4450
From:
Registered: Nov 2011
|
posted April 25, 2013 02:24 AM
quote:
Originally posted by PixieJane:
Btw, you might find this book useful which you can find at (or through) the library:You Just Don't Understand
Definitely looks up my alley, thanks! IP: Logged |
somethingexcellent
Knowflake Posts: 1042
From: walking with my head in the clouds!
Registered: Nov 2012
|
posted April 25, 2013 08:05 PM
Ohhhh no no no I didn't mean for it to sound like I was calling you ridiculous. The point I was trying to convey is that..Boundaries are something you can decide for yourself. They are your comfort zones. If you are not comfortable with something, then it is safe to say that something it out of your boundaries. IP: Logged |
Faith
Knowflake Posts: 4547
From:
Registered: Jul 2011
|
posted April 25, 2013 08:07 PM
quote:
Originally posted by PixieJane:
Btw, you might find this book useful which you can find at (or through) the library:You Just Don't Understand
Great book. IP: Logged |
Odette
Knowflake Posts: 1903
From:
Registered: May 2012
|
posted April 25, 2013 11:43 PM
quote:
If someone hurts you it is your responsibility to call them on their BS and let them know what they are doing isnt ok with you.
Totally agree. quote:
If the person keeps doing what hurts you even though you told them it does you need to draw a line in the sand and tell them they are either going to have to clean up their act or lose you
Disagree. If you told them and they continue - you just leave. You don't discuss it further. IP: Logged |
charmainec
Moderator Posts: 6481
From: Venus next to Randall
Registered: Apr 2009
|
posted April 26, 2013 03:00 AM
quote:
Originally posted by hannaramaa:
What is the line between tolerating someone's behavior, and being that girl who's with a douchebag and complains about it but doesn't break up with him? I was in a situation with someone recently and I felt like I understood him better than my friends did, but he still sometimes hurt my feelings. I didn't tell him this ever, but my friends were constantly bothering me about him and his comments and giving me the "You can do better," talk. I knew he was being rude but it didn't phase me. Does that mean I have low self-esteem? Or were my friends just being nosy? I have always had a hard time discerning between what is acceptable and what isn't.
From a similar experience: take it as red flag. An ex of mine displayed the same behaviour; friends, even family brought it to my attention and since he was
nice to me, I thought maybe they just misunderstood him... Let's just say his true colors eventually surfaced towards the end of our relationship and everything that was brought to my attention became more obvious. Looking back, the signs were all there. IP: Logged |
hannaramaa
Knowflake Posts: 4450
From:
Registered: Nov 2011
|
posted April 28, 2013 07:06 PM
Thank you for everyone's responses. Charmainec, you're right. It's hard because I'm a hopeful person. A part of me is very "F. this, I'm better off alone." and a part of me is "Maybe if I twist this and that way, it will work." But it finally clicked with me I wasn't going to find anyone who would put me and my needs first if I didn't, so I cut off contact with the individual cold turkey.IP: Logged |
mirage29
Knowflake Posts: 924
From: us
Registered: May 2012
|
posted April 28, 2013 07:28 PM
quote:
Originally posted by hannaramaa:...it finally clicked with me I wasn't going to find anyone who would put me and my needs first if I didn't...
 Yes! Include yourself in the equation.... No 'twisted' thinking there at all! You are worth the waiting... And waiting is worth it!  (It's so good to have friends to watch over you...) IP: Logged |
charmainec
Moderator Posts: 6481
From: Venus next to Randall
Registered: Apr 2009
|
posted April 29, 2013 04:02 AM
quote:
Originally posted by hannaramaa:
Thank you for everyone's responses. Charmainec, you're right. It's hard because I'm a hopeful person. A part of me is very "F. this, I'm better off alone." and a part of me is "Maybe if I twist this and that way, it will work." But it finally clicked with me I wasn't going to find anyone who would put me and my needs first if I didn't, so I cut off contact with the individual cold turkey.
It's that little part of hope which starts the second guessing; maybe the individual will change, maybe we can "fix" them etc etc and all the "what if's".
It can weigh heavily on your heart when you have so much invested.
At least you do have boundaries by deciding what you will and won't tolerate.
------------------
quote:
Remember, love can conquer the influences of the planets....It can even eliminate karma.
Linda GoodmanIP: Logged |
charmainec
Moderator Posts: 6481
From: Venus next to Randall
Registered: Apr 2009
|
posted April 29, 2013 04:03 AM
quote:
Originally posted by hannaramaa:
Thank you for everyone's responses. Charmainec, you're right. It's hard because I'm a hopeful person. A part of me is very "F. this, I'm better off alone." and a part of me is "Maybe if I twist this and that way, it will work." But it finally clicked with me I wasn't going to find anyone who would put me and my needs first if I didn't, so I cut off contact with the individual cold turkey.
------------------
quote:
Remember, love can conquer the influences of the planets....It can even eliminate karma.
Linda GoodmanIP: Logged |
Lindaland
UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone! 
