posted June 15, 2013 09:39 AM            

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posted June 15, 2013 09:40 AM            

My yoga teacher said that depression will come if you feel you can't express your authentic self.

Down deep, I believe this.

That brings me to my dilemma, I think.

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posted June 15, 2013 09:44 AM            

Gaslighting is when someone tries to distort your reality. In the movie by that name, the husband would put on lights and when the wife saw them, he said he had not.

So, before I cut off contact with my mother, she gaslighted me, as she often did but this time, I just couldn't take it anymore.

This situation was not big but the distorting of reality is big and VERY big because it makes a person crazy. I guess that is my point of this whole thread.

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posted June 15, 2013 09:48 AM            

Anyway, the way these things go is that she insults me and then when I call her on it, she says that it is my fault for being angry.

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posted June 15, 2013 09:48 AM            

This is a Malignant Narcissist.

The real problem for someone dealing with them is that the person has to twist, in turn, especially if the person is a child. The twists stay with you even when the parent is gone or far away. It was an adaptation.

I guess this is my point in the whole thing.

Can anyone relate? Do you have people like this in your life?

I think these kind of people plague you wherever you go until you learn the lessons, too
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posted June 15, 2013 10:48 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Jessica2407:
IMO, cutting off communication/contact from the person especially if it's your mother or father doesn't help in alleviating the pain. The wounds stay open, you think they heal but they just don't, they remain open and you are unaware of it until the same person with as little as a poke which is more than enough to trigger pain again.

It's more difficult to accept your mother as she is,yet it'll bring peace.Know and accept that she will never be the mother you dream of having.

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Thank you, Sweetheart!

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posted June 15, 2013 11:55 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Jessica2407:
I feel responsible for my mother. She is under my care until God decides otherwise. Cutting off is not an option. Not to me.Although I could do it.But I won't.

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Would you tell me your story, Jessica?

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posted June 15, 2013 12:02 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by I'm so cappy:
Cutting off AND accepting the fact that something is a lost case is the best option.

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Wise words.
What is your story, Cappy dear?

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posted June 15, 2013 12:08 PM            

Anyway, I'm reconciled to the way the things are.

posted June 15, 2013 12:37 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Jessica2407:
@ Ami

The usual story. I'm also reconciled with how my mother is. I believe there is a reason for everything. I'm not saying it's not difficult or painful. It is but I try not to dwell too much on her words,and her manipulative tricks. I just focus on what I have to do,I don't try to talk to her,reason with her, I don't expect her to understand me,be there for me blah blah. The more you expect the more you'll get hurt because things will never change because the person has such a distorted view of reality that I know if I get into the hassle of making her understand that would only leave me more distraught. So it's pointless.

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Very wise word! xx

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posted June 15, 2013 01:25 PM            

- you have to accept them for whom they are, you have to accept that you can't get along with your mother, that she can't change - and neither can you - to fit her expectations. You have to accept that your relationship with your parents - wasn't meant to be like others. You have to accept that - if they haven't changed by now they probbaly never will - if they do, that's fine but - you've already wasted to much energy on the past, while waiting for them to change - energy that's better spent on present time, in making your present a better place.

When we complain about something once - it's when we acknowledge that there's an issue - something we don't approve. When we complain about it more than once - that issue turns in to a pattern and the more we complain about it - the more we make it part of ourselves, the more "we feed it - with our life energy". When it comes something like our parents - the once that give birth to us, we're already attached to them - so if they're not the parents we'd want them to be and probbaly same goes viceversa (we're not the children they wanted to have) - all it's left to do is: accept the situation for what it is - for what it's proven to be and instead of trying to change "what was proven - that can't be change" - change your life and treat them as they behave - like strangers, liars, people that happened to be related to you - as this was not your choice. We can't chose our parents and they can't chose their children.

posted June 15, 2013 01:29 PM            

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posted June 15, 2013 01:43 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by 7thGuardian:
Since you invested so much time and energy in that negative position - things can't change from one day to another. So every day - you should practice acceptance - starting with today. Accept yourself for who you are and be proud of that - while accepting your parents for whom they are and detach from that - which does no good to you. Might take few days, a week - but eventually their existence won't bother you anymore - unless they bother you activity, but you won't carry them as a burden in your mind.

If they still bother you actively - coming to your place and saying nasty things, then - you could also take in consideration the idea of moving to a different city - as far as possible from them. But that only - after you learned to accept them, or else you'll carry that burden with you. Maybe you grew fond of your current home - as you invested a lot in that - as well, but - that's "just a house" and home should be a place where you can feel at peace (something i intend to do as well - for somehow similar reasons).

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I appreciate those wise words and everyone's comments! I am listening and taking them in

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posted June 15, 2013 01:46 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by 7thGuardian:

That's how i look at my father and i can live in same house with him - while "being indifferent to his expectations" - as i have none from him... i accepted him for whom he is, even forgave him. I look at him as i look at a sick person (cause he is sick - mentally)... The way i see it - i can't really blame someone for being sick and not wanting to heal. It's his sickness and his choice... i tried - didn't work. I move on with my life the way i see it fit - what he does with his, that's his problem. I couldn't act like a son to someone who didn't knew how to behave like a father.

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posted June 15, 2013 01:56 PM            

quote:

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That's how i look at my father and i can live in same house with him - while "being indifferent to his expectations" - as i have none from him... i accepted him for whom he is, even forgave him. I look at him as i look at a sick person (cause he is sick - mentally)... The way i see it - i can't really blame someone for being sick and not wanting to heal. It's his sickness and his choice... i tried - didn't work. I move on with my life the way i see it fit - what he does with his, that's his problem. I couldn't act like a son to someone who didn't knew how to behave like a father.

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Or else one will hit their 50-60`s being bitter and mentally unstable by focusing on the abuse/problems .

We become what we hate or fear.

posted June 15, 2013 01:59 PM            

We don't want that, now. Do we

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posted June 15, 2013 02:02 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by juniperb:
Indeed

Or else one will hit their 50-60`s being bitter and mentally unstable by focusing on the abuse/problems .

We become what we hate or fear.

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posted June 15, 2013 07:40 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Jessica2407:
I believe that's the case with my parents. They became what THEIR parents were. That's why I DO NOT want to harbor hate/resentment/bad feelings towards them that will interfere with my view of things with any child of mine. I SO want to break this cycle.

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Jessica, I agree very much with you. My parents were as theirs and I knew I wanted to break that cycle for me and my children.
Now I have children and the cycle is broken and they are healthy, happy productive people.
Your sincere heart will guide you for sucess

posted June 15, 2013 08:02 PM            

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