posted August 23, 2013 01:18 AM            

What the heeeell? Have a foot on the ground lol! It sounds so strange to me, to be so paranoid, but I guess I never really was the type to step back all the time and look things over as they happen. I just live, and that's what I do.

Do you know how to just live? I guess not eh?

quote:

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I can't escape myself.

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H12 is the house of dissolution, of losing your self. But being a human, you can't do that practically, eh? Well good luck on your travels, man! Maybe you'll come back to earth sometime and let yourself live. "Live" is a word of the lion after all.

posted August 23, 2013 01:21 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Zander916:
Ami Anne - You have my email.
If someone REALLY wants to stay in touch, they can have it.
But I'll give you $50 if anyone does. (not lying)

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Hmm 50 dollars eh?

Well Zander, thing is, it takes time for people to get to know someone else, even online.

posted August 23, 2013 01:23 AM            

quote:

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Padre35: Hmm 50 dollars eh?

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posted August 23, 2013 01:28 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by somethingexcellent:
So I wasn't the only one to notice that??

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Cash monie homey..cash money...

Do not really know Zander per se, suspect Zander's reasons make perfect sense to him, maybe not to everyone else tho.

posted August 23, 2013 02:13 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Kerosene:
*strokes mane*
It's okay Zander

Leos speak out when they feel unloved or unappreciated.
My 20 years experience with a Leo

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I guess I've grown into my Leo 10th house then.

posted August 23, 2013 02:44 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Kerosene:
[b]*strokes mane*
It's okay Zander

Leos often speak out or make a scene when they feel unloved or unappreciated.
My 20 years experience with a Leo [/B]

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posted August 23, 2013 02:51 AM            

We all love you!

posted August 23, 2013 03:48 AM            

Maybe you all can try to live a life like mine. Not that mine is the worst by any stretch. I know there's kids and wives, and whoever the heck else out there literally fighting for their lives. I'm not an idiot in that sense.
I grew up, essentially without a dad. My mom worked nights and I would see her occasionally on weekends. Otherwise, it was as if food just magically appeared from out of somewhere. Two older sisters who didn't give a crap because they're chasing boys and don't want an irritating younger brother dragging them down. A very small neighborhood with few options as to who you can make friends or enemies with. Older kids who love to pick on you, beat you up, throw rocks and crap at you.
Sit at a desk in 6th grade. A kid pulls up a desk (Byron). Faces it edge to edge with my desk. Without batting an eyelid... he says, "You're an ugly MF you know that?" Then gets up and walks away. These are just very minor tidbits.
In 2010 I encountered the most insane relationship of my life. I have Venus square Neptune as you'll see in my chart. I learned from this site that the aspect causes a lot of dreamy bs and as such, lands people into trouble. I made the unfortunate mistake of hooking up with this younger chick who really was crazy. Maybe she made me crazy?
She moved in WAY too soon. A life lesson here folks.
She is to this day, THE... MESSIEST... PERSON... I have ever met. I mean dirty dishes on the effin' bed. Who does that??? She didn't work. She smoked, which I don't like but I'll live with it. But I had to pay for her habit. I paid for everything. It was like taking care of a child. At that time I lived 45-50 minutes from work. 8hr/M-F. But sometimes I would work 12's and/or weekends. It was tiring. I would come home and want to at least attempt to clean but she demanded my attention. She was just... I mean I don't like jealousy but she was just next level with that crap. If I made a joke with a friend. I mean, a dumb penis type joke with a GUY friend. She would FLIP OUT. Certain words were a big no no, regardless of context. One time she created a fake Facebook of some chick. Naturally, since she created it just out of the blue the friends were few and strange. She used that account to mail me a message there. Just some crap like, "I'm new to town. Looking for some fun." I just deleted it. I don't read that garbage. So I go home. She asks if I got any messages on Facebook. I'm very confused. "Why is she asking this? Should I have expected one?" I said "no". She asked again, "Are you sure that you didn't get any messages?" I replied again, "no." She freaked out asking me why I lied and blah blah blah. I explained that I didn't really consider that a message. It was just some bs crap why would I care about it?
Anyway, you get the idea. Now, the "good" stuff.
When I say have a fit. You have no idea. Complete straight-jacket stuff man. She threw things either just anywhere or threw them AT me. It didn't matter what it was. Whatever was at hand. An empty pop can, a lamp, a piece of silverware. Whatever happened to be there at the moment of "crazy".
She would kick me, hit me, and I mean make a fist and punch me. Again, anywhere... wherever on my body that was convenient at the time. My back turned... whatever. It didn't matter. She would want to stay up and fight all night and I just wanted to get some effin' sleep because I worked.
Sometimes she would throw these fits and like, bang her head on the wall. She'd lock herself in the bathroom, disassemble a disposable razor and cut herself. The first time or two I was kinda freaked. I broke down the bathroom door. You might reply, "Just let the b****h do it. Well... if by some stupid chance she wasn't playing around and just trying to get attention. Would you want to explain to the authorities why you didn't intervene? I didn't. After a few times of that though, I caught on and the stress really got to me. I just let her go in there. I reached, "crazy" as well.
If I get into with a significant other and it begins to reach a point of explosiveness... I leave. I mean, I just go take a walk or drive, or just sit outside and chill with music. I just clear my head and if I'm wrong. I'll have clear thoughts and come back and say I'm sorry. She wouldn't allow it. She'd run out and jump on my car. She'd threaten to break all of my stuff while I'm gone. Yes, it's illegal and blah blah blah. I didn't want to deal with all my crap broken man. I mean, sentimental stuff that can't properly be replaced and that sort of thing, you know? I have this red tinted glass from the 1800's that my Grandpa gave me from Europe. It wasn't feasible to just walk and let her do that.
Then you ask, "Call the police." Yes... naturally that idea hadn't just slipped past me. Looking back, probably should have been done really really soon. But when you're psychologically controlled like that - paranoia. "What if it doesn't work? What if she's only gone for a little while? When she gets back I'm done for." She legally lived there which was a real killer. I couldn't just kick her out and all that stuff. She had legal right to be there as much as me. Now, I'm no lawyer or anything so maybe there's things I'm missing, but oh well. It's all done now.
Her family wanted no part of it. I pleaded with them. They knew her and what I must have been going through, but wouldn't help. My family couldn't really do anything. It was my place and all. I was paying for it. Neither sister or my mom has money OR room to help me. It's just the way it is. I make more money than they do anyway. My dad, he has lots of money and EASILY could have helped me but he's an A-hole sometimes. He'll love us when it's convenient for him. I don't mean just if we're having problems or not. He's just weird.
So essentially in this whole thing. I felt that I was in this web of torture. OH! She always wanted sex because I think that was her way of... confirming love. Yeah psycho... . I sure felt a ton of it. I reaaaaaaaaallly didn't want to. I'm the furthest thing from some guy who will just stick it in a muddy bank. lol I'm picky and I have to really really like you. But if I didn't, she felt like I was snuffing her and saying I don't love you. Which I didn't. I would tell her that I didn't want to and if it wasn't crap being hurled at my head it was staying up all freaking night and not getting any sleep because the psycho wanted to fight all night.
There wasn't anything about that, that wasn't torture. I would sign up for overtime as much as possible to buy more time away. I drove under the speed limit and took my time, but I couldn't take too long, naturally. Any minute longer that I could stay out of there, was just like a drop of water when you're in the desert. So small... but isn't it sweet.
I began this cycle. I would tell her that I didn't want to be with her and that she needed to go. Each time was this HUGE fight. I would hope that we'd fight, and she'd leave. But eventually, I would see that wasn't working and would have to use my Gemini cleverness to worm my way out of that hole. I did this off and on for quite a few months. I remember this one time, it stand out. I was sitting sideways to her on the bed. I turned my head to her and said, "I don't love you. I don't want you." I turned back straight and WHAM! Fist to the side of the face. I turned towards her to verbally confront her and by the time my head was facing her, WHAM!! Another just barely clipping the bottom of my nose. I stood up and the fighting went on like always. This whole cycle continued for a long time. One day on my way to work. I took a big chance and sent her a text. I told her, "I'm not happy and you need to go. Have your stuff out by the time I get home." Which was... about 11 hours when you throw in travel, and unpaid lunch, etc. She said she would. I couldn't believe it! Was she serious???
I didn't hear from her all day. I drove home. At the time I lived in this old farmhouse by the way. I drove up, and the lights were out. That didn't mean much because she basically slept on whatever schedule suited her. I s**t you not. I drove up, got out and very ninja like walked around the house. Looking for any sign of light, or life, or sound... anything. I was just utterly terrified to open that door. I stepped in and it was very dark and quiet. I walked up the stairs and flipped on a light. OH THANK YOU GOD!!!! She was gone and most of her stuff too.
I had all this frikin mess to clean up. I mean, food... spilled, sticky pop... just crap man. It sucked. She left a bunch of stuff and long story short. I packed it up although I know that wasn't my responsibility. I told her to come get it. It's sitting outside. She showed up with a sheriff and local police with a few friends to pick it up. As if I'm the lunatic. LOL I just stood there quietly and calmly talking to one officer (she was hot anyway. So I didn't mind. Lady police officer? I think so! Oh no! Not the night stick!! *waving hands in the air* ) Anyway, the other one just watched over them. The ex-gf eventually asked me, very annoyed, "Can you go inside? You're really bothering me by standing out here."
I thought that was rather funny really. I KNOW police want to keep people in sight and they certainly don't want anyone going into the house where there could be weapons. Is she stupid??? Well yeah. The policewoman that I was standing with was quiiiiiite annoyed. She told her that I was being just fine and to not worry about it.
Anyway, I know my story doesn't do it justice and people will say I could have done this or that. Yeah, maybe. But when you're psychologically just blitzkrieged it's a little difficult to think of things.
So, am a I little weary of people? Am I little paranoid? A little afraid of intimacy? Sure.

Let me fill you in with some more garbage. Firstly, I don't really know any of my cousins, second cousins, etc. very well. Aunts and Uncles... nah, not really.
My family is just weird. I mean... Idk. It's hard to explain.
The last few years I had this rather fast car. I got into a peck of trouble with it. LOL I've since sold it because it was just going to get me into more trouble or killed. Or kill someone else. So it went bye-bye. I lost my license for three months. I've got it now and I watch my s**t. I don't speed any more. It's not worth it.
In that three months. NO ONE with the exception of my mother.. came over OR even called me. 12 weeks... not a call, not a text from any friend that I have or family. Just my mother. Annnd... that's the way it is. If I don't reach out and GO to my sisters, dads, whatever, if I don't reach out and CALL them, I don't talk to them. I'll only talk to my dad about twice a year one because he can make money but apparently doesn't know how to use a phone. *roll eyes* His is the only opinion in the world that matters anyway.
Now, if I go to my sisters? Everything is cool. She talks to me, cooks dinner for whoever is there. (Myself and/or my mom, her daughters) My other sister, I don't really see her. She's hard to track down and phone always getting shut off or whatever.
My best friend? We're like brothers. We really are. When I visit him it's magical. He has strong connections to my 12th house and Gem moon like me. However... if I don't make the effort to keep things going. It just fails to exist. The 3 months proved that.

So I'm left here wondering. Okay, these people love me... *I THINK*. It seems like they do anyway. But why can't they call? Why can't I just be important to them?
That hurts me more than anything on this earth. That angers me unlike anything else on this earth. I'm left with this giant hole inside that just fills with fire. My friends and family have been that way all through my life from my earliest memories until now. It doesn't matter what friend, if they were a passing friend, or what family. (Mother excluded)
You know? So I'm not quite sure what's what here. I'm told love and friendship is such and such by movies, books, or other people. I see them experiencing it with their friends and families. But what about me? What kind of Effed up Karma do I have? What superior being did I p**s off in a previous life? Why me?
You might think I'm exaggerating or something. I'm not. I'm not joking. You should see my phone and text records. Pretty sad.
I've made efforts. I've taken family out for dinner, taken my nieces to the state park to hopefully bond a little. Things of that nature. But it's like, as soon as whatever event is done it's back to the void.

So am I crazy? Well I just might be but I'm not going to effin' feel ashamed about it. There's something bigger than me at play be it a God if you believe that, Karma, or my 12th house, maybe all three. Something hates me, I'm sure of it.
I make observations about myself, about the world, about society, humanity, and just generally have feelings and intuitions that spoken/written language is simply unable to explain.
Just this week I've thought of things and moments later they happened. Nothing necessarily big, but out of the blue.

Everyone has skeletons in their closet somewhere. There are deep rooted things that the person who they occupy cannot explain. They might be buried so deep that they are forgotten or perhaps not even discovered. Because I'm fully aware of mine and open about it, I'm crazy. So be it then. I'll be a crazy MF.

Chart with tonights transits

posted August 23, 2013 04:25 AM            

But stare into these eyes

I will get up,
I will fight,
I will come for you.

posted August 23, 2013 05:16 AM            

I'm so sorry to hear all of that. I don't know what to say, honestly. I wish I knew. But I know that words alone won't help much. What we need is to see some action. We need to see some proof. I, and I'm sure you, as well as many of us, have heard the words. Where's the proof?

I was doomed out of the gate. I was this shy, terrified kid. (12th house stuff and some of my aspects point to a quiet shy childhood - Leo makes no difference) My very first gf. It was this highly secretive relationship (12th house again). I liked it that way. Eventually people knew and that kind of freaked me out. I felt like it changed my identity. Like people knew things about my private life and I didn't want them to know about it. It's just ammo if they want to hurt me.
Well anyway... I learned deeper into our relationship that she was SEVERELY sexually abused as a child by the babysitters friend. Just wild, crazy stuff. I had no doubts about it, as "inside her" I could certainly feel that there was this scar in there. This kind of... area of tissue that wasn't the same. Not to gross anyone out. I've never come across it since either so I know that's what it was based on her descriptions of what happened. Well, those secrets began to surface. Somehow, I brought them out of her whether I intended to or now. Her parents, saw a change in her and they didn't like it. Even when she attempted to tell them the truth. They were in denial. Which, who can blame them? Does anyone want to believe that things of that nature happened to their daughter? I became this kind of... evil... devil kid to them. I remember one night I was desperate to see her. Her dad met me at the end of the driveway. He was just clobbered drunk. He was out there challenging me to a fist fight. I left.
I've just had all this STUPID stuff happen to me. Just one after another, it's crazy.
Romantic relationships in particular have just been INSANE. Something insane about them. I have so many stories.

Well... even though I don't really know what to say. I know that words can't really help you. I know that knowing someone out there can relate in with their pain does help. I mean, I'd rather NEITHER of us have to experience stuff like this. But it is what it is.

Because of everything I said. Well... my mother is getting up there in age and she's had a stroke a few years back. She's been the only CONSISTENT person in my life. I am just BEYOND terrified of her passing. You can't imagine the terror. I think about it a lot because I really don't know how I'll cope. It might seem morbid to think about that but I have to prepare my heart well in advance. I go see her a lot. Which you know what else is messed up?
Just last weekend I asked my mom if anyone else comes to see her. (She lives alone like I do) She said no, but she wasn't hurt by it. She said, "Well your sisters have families of their own. They're busy."

I was infuriated. I mean, my mom couldn't really see that but I did tell her. "That doesn't matter. Did they forget where they come from? Do they not realize how they are here even able to have families of their own??" It just makes me so mad. More angry than it happening to me. How can people just blow off their mother like that? I mean.. my mom. A mother like her.
I'll go over there and maybe order some food. I'm not joking.. she'll have like... $20 for the week. She lives in a very nice low income place. It's really nice actually. I'll order food and she wants to pitch in. I gave her money once and she was wanting to pay me back and such. That's just how she is. She'll drive to California just to pick me up if she had to. (I live far far from California if that wasn't obvious. LOL ) She hasn't had to. LOL But she would. She would for any of us. So how could my sisters just kind of forget about her?

They'll regret one day when she's gone and they missed out on so many memories that they could have had. That will be sad too. The whole thing is sad. People should get together and share their love for each other. I don't doubt that my family loves each other. But love is completely useless without action. It's like laying your gun down when someone is point one at you. What good is it?

People have no idea about me. Not just things of this nature that anyone can see. But things that they can't. Things in my heart. Things I wish I could be. A person I wish I could be. A family that I wish I had. Friends...
I don't have it bad. I could have grown up in foster homes with abusive parents or something. I knew a family like that when I was a kid.
So I know it's not so bad for me. It's really not, but I see things a different way. I notice more, observe more, am more sensitive to my environment.

I hope you can get things worked out. That's just so terrible. How a man, can come between two sisters. Stuff like that just doesn't click in my head. I don't understand. We have a limited amount of time here. It may seem like a lot, but it's not as much as you think. 08-22-13 is gone. Done. It doesn't come back and we don't get a re-do.
Family is important...

Ah anyway. I'm keeping myself awake.

I posted this earlier in another thread, but I love this quote and I think it's worthy of another post.

“Little do men perceive what solitude is, and how far it extendeth. For a crowd is not company, and faces are but a gallery of pictures, and talk but a tinkling cymbal, where there is no love.”
 Francis Bacon

posted August 23, 2013 08:54 AM            

You don't have to run away.
I prolly said worse in my time on LL

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted August 23, 2013 09:20 AM            

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted August 23, 2013 10:13 AM            

Am so sorry.

posted August 23, 2013 11:04 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by aquaguy91:
Zander,
I'm not sure what this thread is really about or what transpired between you and some of the members here but just know that there are some good people here. there are also plenty of sociopaths here who enjoy kicking people when they are down and laughing at their pain. I know its hard but you gotta ignore all that garbage.I know you feel misunderstood and alone but I can relate. I'm a twelfth house person and I have dealt with similar stuff in my life. People will misunderstand us because they don't understand the pain we have dealt with in life. Life can be cruel to 12th house people but its through all that pain that we find strength. Strength that other people just don't possess.

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It is very true. There are people who harass you here. Once you can learn to overcome them, your real life will improve because the same kind of people are out there.

If you run away, you will never learn the lessons of dealing with these people and one MUST learn them.

It took me 3 years of screwing up to learn but I am pretty good now, not perfect.

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal