posted August 29, 2013 11:59 AM            

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posted August 29, 2013 12:44 PM            

It's a semi-conscious thing for me... when I'm interested in someone, or I'm trying to connect with a friend or family member in some way, to convey some kind of understanding, I can feel very open; a willingness to explore, to take more chances to get closer. With strangers or people I don't like, it's the opposite.

I've struggled with this too, especially while trying to date. I *want* to feel more open, but it's hard to get out of my usual defensive, self-protective state.

posted August 29, 2013 01:23 PM            

You are so right that boundaries can be so porous to let everything in or so rigid to become a fortress.

The latter reminds me of "I am a Rock" By Simon and Garfunkel.

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posted August 29, 2013 01:27 PM            

However, if you want to restore a relationship with me, apologize. That takes some guts and some integrity. I respect that.

However, I have people who are nasty to me and want to suck up, under the radar and think I will just come back and act like nothing happened.

Sometimes this does work. However, if someone was really nasty to me, I won't restore a relationship unless they apologize.

I hold myself to this same standard as I screw up all the time.

The problem is that I feel guilty doing this.

I think that a Christian should just love everyone willy-nilly but I think I have this wrong.

*SIGH*

You see my dilemma?

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posted August 29, 2013 01:36 PM            

I tend to have an issue of letting them down for a lot of people who I shouldn't do that for, OR, putting them up and doing the opposite. Shutting things out from people that I could be more open to.

More often than not it's the latter because no one gets hurt that way.

To me it's like checking the pool water with your foot. Just check it out and if you don't like it, just back away. If I jump in (no boundaries) then you get what you had here - chaos if acceptance is low.

I wasn't allowed certain boundaries either as a kid. Not the same that you speak of I'm sure, but for example my bedroom seemed to be open for the neighborhood bullies who just came in and took or broke what they wanted. It's a long story! LOL
I was a loner so there's a lot of development that I didn't get early on. Schools weren't like they are now.
Anyway, I just kind of took what I saw others doing in person, or television, movies, and started to mimic it. It didn't feel right but as years went by it became my own and I could start to make them particular to me.
It's a starting point anyway.

posted August 29, 2013 01:39 PM            

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posted August 29, 2013 01:47 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
This is my recent struggle. I made a personal boundary. If you are nasty to me, it happens. I can be a jerk, too. However, if you want to restore a relationship with me, apologize. That takes some guts and some integrity. I respect that.
However, I have people who are nasty to me and want to suck up, under the radar and think I will just come back and act like nothing happened.
Sometimes this does work. However, if someone was really nasty to me, I won't restore a relationship unless they apologize.

I hold myself to this same standard as I screw up all the time.

The problem is that I feel guilty doing this.

I think that a Christian should just love everyone willy-nilly but I think I have this wrong.

*SIGH*

You see my dilemma?

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Twice I went through a strong Christian Period. My first experience was just the best! I just didn't find in Christianity what I was looking for in my heart. The church was just amazing though! It was a little country church with 15-30 people depending on who all showed up on any given Sunday. If I were to say that there were an ideal Christian, they were it, generally speaking.

posted August 29, 2013 07:39 PM            

If someone has the bollas to apologize, I forgive them. We may or may not be restored to a relationship.

That would depend on many factors but that situation is not what I am talking about.

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posted August 29, 2013 08:08 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by teasel:
Boundaries are good. I wasn't very good at having them either.

I've always done my best to be respectful of others' boundaries. I'm not always so good anymore, but I hardly ever make a mistake. When I do it's because I'm extremely upset, and everything feels upside down.

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Ditto.

posted August 29, 2013 09:20 PM            

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posted August 30, 2013 01:12 AM            

It took this one guy 3-4 months to get me to open back up but he was persistent.
You'll just have to let it be.
I've let go of the past few days. I just looked at it, realized I'm the problem and thought, "this is so stupid". I don't apologize I'm this case because I get the feeling that they'd rather just move on and ignore me which is fine.

Is it people here? Or in "real life"?

posted August 30, 2013 01:25 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Blackbird:
I've heard and read people talking about boundaries before but I never quite understood what they meant. I think my boundaries are either so weak that I really don't have any, and I just let people roam all over the place in my life -- or they are so strong and so deeply ingrained that I never let anyone close enough to bump into my boundaries, and so I don't notice them.

It's a semi-conscious thing for me... when I'm interested in someone, or I'm trying to connect with a friend or family member in some way, to convey some kind of understanding, I can feel very open; a willingness to explore, to take more chances to get closer. With strangers or people I don't like, it's the opposite.

I've struggled with this too, especially while trying to date. I *want* to feel more open, but it's hard to get out of my usual defensive, self-protective state.

---

posted August 30, 2013 11:13 AM            

I have very rarely bullied people. I have done it so few times that I can remember each time and I felt awful.

I want to learn how to push evil people away in a way that I can still be a loving person.

This is not easy, as you could imagine.

I think I figured out one way, anyway.

Jesus knew that people who are evil don't want to face themselves.

That kind of what was the woman being stoned for adultery.

People speculate Jesus wrote the names of their mistresses in the dirt.

At any rate, Jesus showed people their OWN faces.

I think that is the way to go with boundaries.

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posted August 30, 2013 11:15 AM            

We all have evil in us, so Peck defines it as the above and I do, too.

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posted August 30, 2013 11:36 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Barbiegirl19:
Amen you have no idea how great it is Ami to see his name here without it being criticized or disrespected. I really believe the problem nowadays is that everyone has no faith anymore and it's very sad. Thank you Ami for being the great Christian person that you are. God bless you we need more people like you on this earth.

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Thank you, Barbie. That was one of the most lovely things anyone has ever said to me

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posted August 30, 2013 11:41 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
Thank you, Barbie. That was one of the most lovely things anyone has ever said to me

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posted August 30, 2013 11:42 AM            

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posted September 02, 2013 10:06 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
I am really struggling with this. It is because I was not allowed them as a child and so I feel as if I am selfish for having them ( and a generalized sense of bad)

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posted September 15, 2013 09:20 AM            

Oh, I have so much trouble with boundaries. Always have. It's a classic, it came from my childhood and the way I was brought up. So much criticism, people blowing up on me, being ignored and walked out on without saying anything, being made fun of whenever I'd cry and show emotion. Mine are intense, I spil over when it happens. I didn't use to mind when it was in public, but of course then I was making others look like an idiot. First with my dad, then my classmates and "friends" at school, a teacher, boyfriends.

I'm definitely trying so hard to work on them now. Wish I could tell when someone's genuinely not able to do something and when they're just making up a cheap excuse to get rid of me without having to talk to me about it. That's where I keep going wrong. The last few years, I've been so afraid of scaring people off that I'm holding it all in, coming across as light, mature, and I fear also emotionless. I want to be mature and relaxed so badly, I'd tuck my feelings far away but it's gone ugly after a while.

But most of all, I'm scared of being alone - being abandoned. That when I stick up for myself, someone will go, "Well, then f-ck you and never come back again." It's awful how much power people I trust can have over me. I want to be perfect. I don't want to make any mistakes and lose a friend or boyfriend over it - at the time, of course I don't realize they never were. Looking back with the help of some people here, I'm shocked and even turned white at how much I've put up with... and I never even knew it was that bad. I guess I want to give everyone a chance, something I never got from my dad or my peers, but that meant people took advantage of it. None of them ever apologized unless someone else told them to, if they were even sorry about it.

posted September 15, 2013 11:06 AM            

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