posted August 31, 2013 10:25 AM            

When I was younger (and very young) I was very cold ( pstellium in 12H Virgo?) I wouldn't let anyone touch me. I couldn't associate sex with emotions and feelings and I'd just get disgusted. Then came the slutty period when I was.....promiscuous and went through an array of lovers.

Now I am feeling myself inching closer to the former days of coldness again and I am having such a hard time not shutting myself off during and after sex. It's almost a crippling feeling of fear and I want to curl up in a fetal position and cry.

posted August 31, 2013 11:24 AM            

I am like you. when i was younger i was like you. Even a first kiss would take the other side a long time to get.

Then i won't say slutty, but we are humans and this is completely normal, a lot of people try to explore and find themselves through that.

for me as soon as i found someone i could open to, due to a 3rd party (read b*tchy person, did all she can to make him think i'm fickle and not interested and she succeeded) he shut me out of his life completely. Only found him again because of my own efforts and no one again.

(B*tchy person went from feeling so sad, to always having a smile on her face, during that period, until i told her in her face what i believe happened, and which was later matching with what she did to others)

so anyway went back to cold phase. when i re connected with this guy he obviously was only back for revenge for what he thought happened (i couldn't see it back then) and kept telling me 'i don't like emotional this or that'

well stelliuim in Virgo here to, and given how long it took me to get in touch with my emotions, just that, made me turn 'cold' once again. really only an idiot would ask someone with an Earth stelium not to be 'emotional' specially when it is them that are that way....

but i don't think it is out of not caring about others that you feel this way.

It is possible that the opposite is true. you have been hurt badly, that this is a protection mechanism. the guy who will get you out of it has to really really love you, and not just want to sleep with you, for you to feel safe again, to open up, and let those 'energies' flow again? like he should overcome his ego (obviously it will hurt a guy when we seem like we don't trust them, but they should understand not all of us had a normal background in these matters, despite the surface) and work hard to show you he is a good guy.......then if things are as they are, you both get rewarded with real love going on at some point.

posted August 31, 2013 12:21 PM            

The chart shows everything. I am wondering if you have an asteroid unknown to you conjunct something very important?

What does Sedan do? That is betrayal by a father/men?

12th House planets can make everything painful. This includes just expressing your emotions, expressing love, expressing drive etc

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted August 31, 2013 12:34 PM            

All would show in the chart which gives me peace.

Do you have Child conj Dejanira?

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted August 31, 2013 12:42 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
I hear you, Sweetie

All would show in the chart which gives me peace.

Do you have Child conj Dejanira?

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posted August 31, 2013 07:10 PM            

Just write Child conj Deja --2 degrees etc

I have child conj deja too. This is abuse but not as bad as Moon conj Deja which is super, super bad

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted August 31, 2013 10:36 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
How close are the orbs of these, Charlie?

Just write Child conj Deja --2 degrees etc

I have child conj deja too. This is abuse but not as bad as Moon conj Deja which is super, super bad

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posted September 01, 2013 12:31 PM            

A lot of ppl they just bury it all inside and end up being like zombies, which isn't fair, as they didn't bring the bad things and people that caused you this trouble in the first place.

Innocence lost is never regained no matter how much in denial one is.
A while ago i went to this natural healer, and when done, had to ask her a few questions, and she told me when she was a young teen, a stranger basically violated her in the worst of ways.

only when she reached 50, did she notice how that one incident had impacted her life and choices throughout, and that is when she put double effort into working into it.

posted September 01, 2013 01:45 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by NoRainNoRainbows:
Charlie also want to say you did an extremly good thing by noticing it, and trying to deal with it, despite the not so happy energies about it.

A lot of ppl they just bury it all inside and end up being like zombies, which isn't fair, as they didn't bring the bad things and people that caused you this trouble in the first place.

Innocence lost is never regained no matter how much in denial one is.
A while ago i went to this natural healer, and when done, had to ask her a few questions, and she told me when she was a young teen, a stranger basically violated her in the worst of ways.

only when she reached 50, did she notice how that one incident had impacted her life and choices throughout, and that is when she put double effort into working into it.

That you noticed this when younger than her, is very good, as hopefully if not through here then in your offline life, something or someone will send you the 'tools' to get out of that phase and into something better...so yeah just remember that you are better and stronger than all those people who caused you this, and 'this too shall pass'.
i wish you the amazing love life that you so deserve comes your way soon, and like a surprise when you least expect it!

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Sometimes I scare myself with how "dual" or "partitioned" I am and I can objectively talk about things as if they did not belong to my past but that's just the other side of me. When I do am ME I just become very emotional and can't even broach subject.

posted September 01, 2013 02:07 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by charlie:
Sometimes I scare myself with how "dual" or "partitioned" I am and I can objectively talk about things as if they did not belong to my past but that's just the other side of me. When I do am ME I just become very emotional and can't even broach subject.

I think the saddest part is that I can't even have a normal relationship because to me they are abnormal and I'll end them one way or another..

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That is alright to, i went through something like it but not exact and do the exact same. it is a survival mechanism as i told you, but also don't feel bad about it.
just accept yourself for who you are, good stuff but faults to, even if you know they aren't your fault. and it is okay to be emotional at times...
true some stupid people will tell you i don't like emotional this and that, but you'll know the right person, as they'll accept you even when you are like that...and somehow that will magically make you feel less emotional.

you know that old technique,

-face it (don't confront it or engage with it, when these things come up),

-accept it, accept how difficult it is, and accept this is not where you want to be, but it'll help you stop 'fighting it' and letting it be strong. (hard but there is a key to happiness and then getting what we want after this)

-let the feelings 'float' out of your body, i don't know ask them to go back to the ether and turn to something good, but let them float away for you and leave you. don't worry your intentions are good so they won't go to anyone, as you are not directing them at anyone but the great healer out there.

-finally with time let it be known and let time work so (you just realized this is the reason now, so hence why we can't call your past enough time) that you are the main character and the emotion the 'sidekick'...like Batman and Robin you are boss not them or the people who put them in you.

okay this is what i remember being told on how to let go off painful emotions when i once seeked help and found a proper person for it...if i remember more will also share it with you.

but just don't let it get to you so much, not many people realize what is going on and speak about it, but you did, which is a sign you are made of a strong mettle despite the emotional times right now, what more do you want. Also that you know you want happiness is a good sign.

okay enough balbla with me, let me know if that 'technique' is any good for you...am going through my old notes on such stuff since i found them, but they are in a language i don't speak as well as i used to a long time ago, so will take time if i find something i think helpful.

oh yes anger releasing meditations could also work....a lot of memembers here have really good one's so maybe one could share with you meditaitons that worked for you!

okay this is long enough, just keep what you are doing now (trying to work on it though) and again don't feel bad. or if you do, don't let it get to you. and best of luck Charlie!

posted September 01, 2013 02:58 PM            

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posted September 01, 2013 02:58 PM            

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posted September 01, 2013 03:21 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by charlie:
Thank you

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It is not your fault, Charlie. I don't know why we have these aspects. I trust Someone bigger does but that does not mitigate much of the pain which has to be lived out on the earth.

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted September 01, 2013 03:28 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by charlie:
Thank you

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What do you think of this whole thing today? don't worry feelings and thoughts about this may fluctuate to extremes (hence you are cold and then you are crying)...but just let it be for now.

also it does help to find someone you can speak to and say even more, so try that to if you can. worked for me...(but compatibility is important, took me a while to find someone i didn't feel was making me angrier not better than before)

posted September 04, 2013 03:43 AM            

An example:
As an automatic response to stress, I will start eating. That's a surface issue. Digging deeper recently, I recognized that because of sexual abuse and trauma from childhood onwards, part of my overeating is to hide my body and outwardly mask my physical features so I'm not as objectified as I would be if I were in shape.

I've also addressed my hypersexuality as a way of dividing the self from being vulnerable and not relying on any one person because I'm afraid of that one person I decide to trust on deceiving me, and succeeding in breaking me completely.

I feel so alone sometimes and it's hard to express the real depth of how I feel without some insecurity whispering in return that my pain is not anything when it comes down to it, that it doesn't matter.

BS. It matters to me. It hurts me. By default, it is important.

I would like to be "fulfilled" one day. Part of that is in digging deep within self and giving power to that piece inside of you that knows you are better than the issues others piled on top of you.

posted September 04, 2013 06:35 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by MetalAphrodite:
I believe disassociation/compartmentalizing issues is a good way to isolate the issue so an individual can function. However, this will mess you up if at some point or another, you do not slow down to start opening those compartments so you can start "spring cleaning", otherwise you run the risk of being buried in those issues.

An example:
As an automatic response to stress, I will start eating. That's a surface issue. Digging deeper recently, I recognized that because of sexual abuse and trauma from childhood onwards, part of my overeating is to hide my body and outwardly mask my physical features so I'm not as objectified as I would be if I were in shape.

I've also addressed my hypersexuality as a way of dividing the self from being vulnerable and not relying on any one person because I'm afraid of that one person I decide to trust on deceiving me, and succeeding in breaking me completely.

I feel so alone sometimes and it's hard to express the real depth of how I feel without some insecurity whispering in return that my pain is not anything when it comes down to it, that it doesn't matter.

BS. It matters to me. It hurts me. By default, it is important.

I would like to be "fulfilled" one day. Part of that is in digging deep within self and giving power to that piece inside of you that knows you are better than the issues others piled on top of you.

Be safe and take care of self.

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My very simple question is: how do I just get over 30 years of **** , some self-inflicted for reasons I won't discuss? It's just not one little "happening", it's thirty years..

I am showing clear signs of schizoid tendencies that has at times bordered of schizophrenia but I've always kinda managed to pull myself together. Whether this is because I'm very strong or just completely insane I don't know. It REALLY doesn't help that I have Virgo all over my chart since it makes me even more withdrawn and it's an everyday damn struggle just to accept people.

posted September 04, 2013 09:02 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by charlie:
My very simple question is: how do I just get over 30 years of **** , some self-inflicted for reasons I won't discuss? It's just not one little "happening", it's thirty years..

I am showing clear signs of schizoid tendencies that has at times bordered of schizophrenia but I've always kinda managed to pull myself together. Whether this is because I'm very strong or just completely insane I don't know. It REALLY doesn't help that I have Virgo all over my chart since it makes me even more withdrawn and it's an everyday damn struggle just to accept people.

In a perfect world for me I am fairly certain that I'll never have a normal relationship but instead I'll mold it into a "friendship" and have lovers that mean absolutely nothing on the side. Sad? Indeed.

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Hi Charlie, i've been trying to remember and check more and more about this since i read your post the other day.

Also something i only noticed in my late 20's....i like you have always ended up doing the friendship thing, as couldn't come close easily, and then it all get explained.

whatever our first sexual experience is, we will always go and subconsciously think all the next experiences are 'resonating' to this one.
For me i realized a bit too late, that i don't trust guys, instead of look at these things as an act of love, when two people really like each other, i'd instead feel like the other side is crossing the line and not respecting me if they decided to go further....of course that wasn't true, but until i went and seeked the answers to this (and it wasn't easy to look outside of the 'perspective' we've always seen) this could have been going way well into god knows which decade.

but i have to tell you when i realized this, and that no there are good people out there, who'd understand it's not easy and it's not to do with them....well i met a guy that knew just what respectful is. he'd never touch where he shouldn't no matter how badly he wanted it, and he'd show that he knows his boundaries and how to show respect...that was a WOW and eye/emotional opening experience for me, so hopefully the same will happen with you.
just keep doing this trying to understand why you are like that, and getting more and more pieces of the puzzle for it, and hopefully you'll have a clear picture before you know it, and it'll be something you like.

posted September 04, 2013 02:37 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by charlie:
My very simple question is: how do I just get over 30 years of **** , some self-inflicted for reasons I won't discuss? It's just not one little "happening", it's thirty years..

I am showing clear signs of schizoid tendencies that has at times bordered of schizophrenia but I've always kinda managed to pull myself together. Whether this is because I'm very strong or just completely insane I don't know. It REALLY doesn't help that I have Virgo all over my chart since it makes me even more withdrawn and it's an everyday damn struggle just to accept people.

In a perfect world for me I am fairly certain that I'll never have a normal relationship but instead I'll mold it into a "friendship" and have lovers that mean absolutely nothing on the side. Sad? Indeed.

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In a perfect world for you, what is your ideal relationship like? Is there a relationship or would you prefer solitude? It seems apparent that you want something meaningful, otherwise you wouldn't baulk at having meaningless lovers.

I'm a few years shy of 30 and I realized early to mid 20s how fragmented my personality was at that age because of the compartmentalizing.

It's important that you define who you want to be. Would say who you "are" but we can be/mirror anything. Did you know that "perfect" is another word for "whole"? In a "perfect" world, what is your personality like?

I think sometimes that why we feel this way is because when we experience traumatic events, it takes away the solid foundation we were standing on. We become lost in a myriad of hurt, not having anything to solidify our world to anchor it down to. I keep telling my friends that I believe true depression stems from lack of direction.

Change doesn't happen overnight. I guess a good way to start on the road to recovery is to define the perfect aka whole "you" and what that you believes in and feels. Make sure you include as much detail as you can to make this as solid as possible.

Once you have that "you", address small issues at a time. I have small forms of ptsd because of childhood beatings and from my ex's way of speaking to me that was usually followed with physical abuse. My sister cusses a lot and it's never bothered me before. This time, she was cussing and we were in a public area and I saw a woman discomfited by this. I became angry and started arguing with her, then argued with my brother about this until it finally came out that my ex used to do this to me all the time. He would curse at me while we were in public places and start arguments like this, sometimes trying to snatch me up by the arm if I tried to walk away so we wouldn't make a scene. He didn't care about this. This violated one of my values. I consider it another form of PDA because this is subjecting the general public to very personal displays. My sister is not my ex and I know that her intention with talking had nothing to do with the way my ex used words, nor was she going to hit or beat me once we got home. We all apologized to one another before heading home.

There was another time I took a really great picture of myself and loved it that first day. Posted it and my friends complimented me. However, I watched how over the course of a week, my face morphed into a hideous beast and I couldn't stand looking at it anymore. I realized that this is body dysmorphia, something caused through sexual trauma, and I absolved to "spring clean" this by taking a picture every so often, examining it, and for every supposed bad thing I saw, I would counter it with one good thing I found with my appearance. I even said to self for one of the good things(because I was at a loss of what kind of good to say about self) that I have smooth looking eyebrows lol. Hey, it counts and I tried .

Identify the problem, identify the stress triggers that make you react that way, then try to find a realistic solution for negating that stress.