posted September 08, 2013 12:58 AM            

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Originally posted by somethingexcellent:
Lol noooo! I would never hurt her! It was just an emotional thing, I guess. I can handle rejection well. Just throw yourself to the ground, cry, beat your hands on the ground, and when your emotions are spent, stand back up and dust yourself off!

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posted September 08, 2013 01:52 AM            

For us it was a long and torturing process. I always jokingly call it "Clash of the Titans".

"Once upon a time there was a Capricorn and a Libra. One day, the charming Libra swooped down and said "Come with me, I'll take you to the Sky". Capricorn answered, unimpressed "On the Earth is where I'll stay, hot shot". Libra cunningly picked a fight. Unable to realize that it was a trick, Capricorn rose to the bait. It started out small, but somewhere along the line, Libra lost his cool so it turned into a real war that moved heaven and earth. The sky split, the earth quaked. The war went on for centuries.

posted September 08, 2013 10:17 AM            

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Originally posted by Kerosene:
Dreaming about being in love is more exciting then being in love.

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posted September 09, 2013 10:15 AM            

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Originally posted by Kerosene:
Dreaming about being in love is more exciting then being in love.

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Enter Cynic Man and his trusty sidekick depressant boy!

De nuh nuh! De nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh! De NUH!

On a more related note.

I think Love is just something you have to give yourself too, be honest and have at it.

If you don't you'll never find out, and if you do, then maybe you'll know.

I've been in Love once, it was... wonderful. We may not still be together, but my feelings haven't changed, I'm not bitter about it either. I'm thankful for the time and experiences we did share, and wish for the best in life for her. It still hurts occasionally, nothing major, just an, I miss you, kinda thing, but I think that's pretty 'normal' when you've connected emotionally with someone.

posted September 12, 2013 09:53 AM            

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Originally posted by Barbiegirl19:
@Swiftbreeze Thank you so much for that you really said everything just right. I love myself a lot not too much and not too less. My only problem is that I don't date the right kind of guys. I always seem to attract the stupid, nothing good in their lives type, or just players who use me. I've yet to find someone intelligent or even just nice to date. I'm picky but not too extreme about it. I live my life completely by the golden rule and haven't found someone who agrees with that. I'm always treated so poorly and I don't understand why. I'm not sure if I'm too nice or just too ditzy at times or if I just generally give off that vibe. I would hope not but I honestly don't know. My only fear is rejection and someone not loving me for who am I in fear of hurting me. I respect and treat everyone I meet the same. I don't like passing judgements and if I were to ever do it would bother me and not make me feel like a good person. I'm honest with others and just can't and don't understand why I'm not treated the same.

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What if attracting the 'wrong' types is easier, is safer?
What if you did attract someone who is intelligent, has their life together, not a 'player' or 'nice'.
What if this 'nice' guy at some point rejected you, after a few dates, a couple of months, a year. Of course by rejected I mean the relationship ended.

Would this feel worse than one of these so called 'players' 'unintelligent' 'user' types? I mean after all, maybe we can rationalise, that they were never relationship material, so we weren't really that invested in them. I mean we wanted them to change, and tried to change them, but it's not like we were truly deeply in love with them was it?

I'm sure it is possible to fall just as much in love with the 'nice' guy, as the other type. What I am trying to say, is that we can always bring up the excuse, it's in his nature, it's who he is. When the nice guy decides to leave, is it more difficult to deal with, because we cannot fathom why?

I don't understand what you mean by, "the golden rule".
With regards to being treated poorly. Don't let yourself be.

Some guy is not respecting your wishes, or treating you poorly? Get rid of him.
So your boyfriend isn't treating you how you would like him to? Get rid of him.

Sure maybe you should talk to a guy that you have a relationship with, be it platonic or romantic and discuss how you are unhappy with the way he treats you. If he decides he doesn't care about the way he treats you, he's made your decision for you, get rid of him.

Your only fear is rejection. That is something everyone deals with at points. It is something that can hold us back from making worthwhile attachments. You're afraid of someone not loving you for who you are? I'm sorry to say, not everyone will love you for who you are. In fact there will most likely only be a very small number of people who will love you for who you are. Should this stop us from trying?

Rejection always hurts, but it gets easier. You're still around afterwards, you still have everything you went into it with right? The only thing that happened, is you found out that he is not interested in you. Yes it is crushing because the validation we get from others finding us attractive and wanting to be in a relationship is a powerful thing. When someone says no, sometimes it can cause us to think about our insecurities. Sometimes we may think, "what is it about me he didn't like?" The problem is, we cannot go about life thinking this way.

You respect and treat everyone the same, that is great. What happens when you start to form a relationship, to put it bluntly, a relationship is a situation where two (or more) people treat each other preferentially over others.

If your best friend, and a stranger turned up at your door with something they really needed to talk to you about, who would you listen to? 99% of the time, it's going to be your best friend. Why? Because we treat them preferentially to other people because we have an emotional investment in them.

It's okay to pass judgements, we're all human, and everyone has done it at some point in their lives. It's passing judgements when we don't know someone well enough.

This guy is an alcoholic, what a waster.
Well, his wife died from Cancer, he lost one child in a car accident, and his other child ended her life because of bullying and drugs. Can we really say he is a waster after knowing more? I don't mean to be insensitive to anyone, these are things many people have had to deal with, and may have to deal with in their lives.

My main point is; you love yourself, don't worry about if you love yourself too much or too little. As long as when someone asks you to turn on the light, you don't smile, bend over, spread your cheeks, and illuminate the room with the sunshine that's beaming out your backside.

I believe you are 21, you are still very young. There is plenty of time to discover what it is you want, desire, and need from relationships.

If you don't want to be treated poorly, don't let yourself be. If you need a certain amount of freedom in a relationship, to spend time with your own friends, or doing your own interests. That is perfectly okay because...

"Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

The worst kept secret of all, is that confidence is attractive. If you know what you want, if you won't let yourself be treated poorly, and you are strong enough and comfortable enough in yourself, you will be one of the most attractive people around. Have the wisdom to listen to others, to hear a different view point, to be open to new ideas and not just side line everything immediately and attack other peoples' views. So many people seem to compete to be first in life. In some ways i'd rather be last, because i'll have had the longest time to enjoy the most things, to get where i'm going.

I'm sure I could go on; but I won't.

posted September 12, 2013 02:51 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Barbiegirl19:
@Swiftbreeze Thank you so much for that you really said everything just right. I love myself a lot not too much and not too less. My only problem is that I don't date the right kind of guys. I always seem to attract the stupid, nothing good in their lives type, or just players who use me. I've yet to find someone intelligent or even just nice to date. I'm picky but not too extreme about it. I live my life completely by the golden rule and haven't found someone who agrees with that. I'm always treated so poorly and I don't understand why. I'm not sure if I'm too nice or just too ditzy at times or if I just generally give off that vibe. I would hope not but I honestly don't know. My only fear is rejection and someone not loving me for who am I in fear of hurting me. I respect and treat everyone I meet the same. I don't like passing judgements and if I were to ever do it would bother me and not make me feel like a good person. I'm honest with others and just can't and don't understand why I'm not treated the same.

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Generally speaking and in my observation the women (and gay guys) who get the jerks don't pursue anyone, instead they wait while fantasizing about who they want. And then a player spots them as they're cruising for more tail (be it OL or real life) and introduces themselves with their game, and the fools are so eager to believe their own fantasy that they buy into the calculating player who plays them and are then used and discarded (or as long until the victim gets a spine, a clue, and/or some self-respect and gets rid of them without going back to them later). That is too many women wait around like a pretty flower hoping to get pollinated and as a result they get pollinated alright, and stung. The guys who will treat them right usually won't aggressively pursue them, however, so their chances of finding Mr. Right by hoping he'll magically appear to sweep her off her feet is virtually nil.

And then there are bars where men look for women made stupid and/or uninhibited by drink to screw over literally and metaphorically, or at least with the same vices. Oh! With that in mind, I LOVE this scene from Roseanne:
http://youtu.be/XGtIr4PZM0Y?t=7s

And internet sites are perfect tools for men who need to live a double life that his wife doesn't know about.

posted September 15, 2013 06:22 AM            

Again, as I have mentioned a lot in Sweet Peas - it depends on culture. I don't know any Italian men who wouldn't pursue and they are not all players. For some men - it just seems like tradition.. to play that role.

I think it's fine to daydream.. It's fine to get your hopes up when you meet someone new.. It's fine for them to chase and be passionate and be all over you - *However* you must always test a person if they seem too good to be true.
So by all means - give yourself licence to be happy that they came along - but don't forget to test them, before things get serious or physical between you.

For example - a player will not stick around if he has to do a lot of things for you (and he is getting nothing out of it).. whereas a guy who really likes you *will*.

A player will behave like the perfect guy for some time.. to get sex. So if you don't have sex and just ask for a *lot* (high maintenance!) this will send allllll the players of the world running for the hills.
When I say ask for a lot - I don't necessarily mean material things - but even just long conversations about actual *topics* that mean something to you: your hobbies or interests/your family/your friends/your work/his family/his work and so on... (as opposed to sex, your sexual history and romantic BS - which all players can crap on and on about into the night...)

In my experience many players (specially the young and stupid ones which abound) - can't hold a proper conversation on any non-romantic topic - with a woman.. because many of them are sexist, and they don't really know how to really *talk* to women (outside romantic/sexual topics).

If a guy truly likes you - he will talk to you for ages (happily). He won't cut conversations short and he won't always bring things back to *sex* in conversation.
He would want to get to know you - and get out of his comfort zone to do things with you and hang out with you.

If you asked a player to go and play soccer with you & your friends - all day.. he wouldn't bother.
Because that's not the kind of thing he is used to doing ^

If you asked a player if he can look after your dog for a day because you need to study for an exam - he won't! He'll be "busy"... because players are not there for people when they are needed on a practical level. They generally avoid responsibility.

So there are many many ways to test people!!

posted September 15, 2013 10:14 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by PixieJane:
Generally speaking and in my observation the women (and gay guys) who get the jerks don't pursue anyone, instead they wait while fantasizing about who they want. And then a player spots them as they're cruising for more tail (be it OL or real life) and introduces themselves with their game, and the fools are so eager to believe their own fantasy that they buy into the calculating player who plays them and are then used and discarded (or as long until the victim gets a spine, a clue, and/or some self-respect and gets rid of them without going back to them later). That is too many women wait around like a pretty flower hoping to get pollinated and as a result they get pollinated alright, and stung. The guys who will treat them right usually won't aggressively pursue them, however, so their chances of finding Mr. Right by hoping he'll magically appear to sweep her off her feet is virtually nil.

And then there are bars where men look for women made stupid and/or uninhibited by drink to screw over literally and metaphorically, or at least with the same vices. Oh! With that in mind, I LOVE this scene from Roseanne:
http://youtu.be/XGtIr4PZM0Y?t=7s

And internet sites are perfect tools for men who need to live a double life that his wife doesn't know about.

But another tendency among a few women is that they will ONLY be attracted to someone who will do them wrong...and deep down they know it. As an extreme example a guy (men can suffer from this, too) I knew of thought all females were backstabbing ***** like his mom but had no interest in my friend who was attracted to him (dismissing her according to his prejudice) UNTIL she had a nervous breakdown and became that which he thought all females were like and THEN went after her compulsively (and have his hatred of females reaffirmed). As far as I've been able to observe the sad men and women who do this generally are inspired by bad parents, so say if a woman was raised by a violent alcoholic then she might find herself unable to be attracted to anyone who isn't a violent alcoholic no matter how much she hates the results (and hates her dad). Hopefully this isn't the case for you because it seems very rare that such an afflicted person ever breaks out of the self-sabotaging cycle.

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posted September 15, 2013 10:18 AM            

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Originally posted by Odette:
Even though I'm not one of these people who live in a romantic dream world and fantasise about their dream partner all the time - I don't think there is anything wrong with it.
Some men do pursue just because they are interested, not because they are players.

Again, as I have mentioned a lot in Sweet Peas - it depends on culture. I don't know any Italian men who wouldn't pursue and they are not all players. For some men - it just seems like tradition.. to play that role.

I think it's fine to daydream.. It's fine to get your hopes up when you meet someone new.. It's fine for them to chase and be passionate and be all over you - *However* you must always test a person if they seem too good to be true.
So by all means - give yourself licence to be happy that they came along - but don't forget to test them, before things get serious or physical between you.

For example - a player will not stick around if he has to do a lot of things for you (and he is getting nothing out of it).. whereas a guy who really likes you *will*.

A player will behave like the perfect guy for some time.. to get sex. So if you don't have sex and just ask for a *lot* (high maintenance!) this will send allllll the players of the world running for the hills.
When I say ask for a lot - I don't necessarily mean material things - but even just long conversations about actual *topics* that mean something to you: your hobbies or interests/your family/your friends/your work/his family/his work and so on... (as opposed to sex, your sexual history and romantic BS - which all players can crap on and on about into the night...)

In my experience many players (specially the young and stupid ones which abound) - can't hold a proper conversation on any non-romantic topic - with a woman.. because many of them are sexist, and they don't really know how to really *talk* to women (outside romantic/sexual topics).

If a guy truly likes you - he will talk to you for ages (happily). He won't cut conversations short and he won't always bring things back to *sex* in conversation.
He would want to get to know you - and get out of his comfort zone to do things with you and hang out with you.

If you asked a player to go and play soccer with you & your friends - all day.. he wouldn't bother.
Because that's not the kind of thing he is used to doing ^

If you asked a player if he can look after your dog for a day because you need to study for an exam - he won't! He'll be "busy"... because players are not there for people when they are needed on a practical level. They generally avoid responsibility.

So there are many many ways to test people!!

It's not a good thing to stop daydreaming or second guess others - all the time.
If someone seems perfect - as I said - you are entitled to be happy about that... but you are also entitled to test them.. and see whether they really are as perfect as they seem.
And if they are - then great!
And if they're not... then you move on...

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