posted September 29, 2013 07:04 PM            

2013 will come down to the year when absolutely EVERYTHING in my life took a hit. From A-Z. It's been damn.....hard. But I might as well keep going and undo what needs to be undone. Or done. Or redone. (thanks Pluto...)

Here we go: I have NEVER been faithful. In my defense, I have ended things very shortly after affair took place, but still-I have never been faithful. Now, I AM a very LOYAL human! Even those that have hurt me badly will be given a 2nd chance if I am allowed the time to heal. But then again, I can't be loyal with love between lovers..

I have met some great guys and some very very bad ones and it all ended the same and I dream everyday that That Man will come and just take all that running in me away, but it scares me to know that I don't know if I can ever be faithful. Can I?? How do I let someone come so close to my heart that it becomes painful should I fear them leaving ME?

Maybe I am just not cut out for longterm love? I had my first boyfrind and first everything when I was 17 so that makes it 20 years of doing what I have been doing. I almost feel pathetic and very unsexy :-/

posted September 29, 2013 07:22 PM            

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posted October 01, 2013 01:13 PM            

I've been self-destructive, but not by being unfaithful. Just by unpleasant attitude changes. I suppose questioning if this is "the one". Sort of fearing about my "way out" so I create one. lol

That said, I have some strange patterns in my love life over the years.

People that were normally unfaithful, have been absolutely faithful to me and people who are normally a faithful person have been unfaithful with me. It really screwed up my head.
I don't blame myself in a self-pity way but surely there's a role that I play in that. Something I can change. (Pluto conjunct my asc maybe - always looking for change, rebirth, reformation)

posted October 01, 2013 07:39 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Zander916:
I'm no psychologist but it sounds like you are unfaithful as a sort of self-destruction. Possibly questioning your value in the relationship and believing that an end is inevitable. By being unfaithful you almost confirm (to yourself in your own mind) your low value and the end is predictable by being unfaithful, rather than worrying "when and how?" Plus the excitement of something else new makes you feel good about yourself.

I've been self-destructive, but not by being unfaithful. Just by unpleasant attitude changes. I suppose questioning if this is "the one". Sort of fearing about my "way out" so I create one. lol

That said, I have some strange patterns in my love life over the years.

People that were normally unfaithful, have been absolutely faithful to me and people who are normally a faithful person have been unfaithful with me. It really screwed up my head.
I don't blame myself in a self-pity way but surely there's a role that I play in that. Something I can change. (Pluto conjunct my asc maybe - always looking for change, rebirth, reformation)

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Thank you for your response! I'm sick and cranky at the moment...and my brain is too slow to think but I can honestly say that I enter all relationships with the intent of it to last or atleast make it work but then I just up and destroy it. I have an enormously strong mind so once that Thing thinks it's over I can't fight it. It's weird actually..but then again I also have some more serious issues (mental) that might play some type of underlying role. Someone said life gets easier with age but sh1t just seems more complicated by the minute..

posted October 01, 2013 07:42 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Zander916:
I'm no psychologist but it sounds like you are unfaithful as a sort of self-destruction. Possibly questioning your value in the relationship and believing that an end is inevitable. By being unfaithful you almost confirm (to yourself in your own mind) your low value and the end is predictable by being unfaithful, rather than worrying "when and how?" Plus the excitement of something else new makes you feel good about yourself.

I've been self-destructive, but not by being unfaithful. Just by unpleasant attitude changes. I suppose questioning if this is "the one". Sort of fearing about my "way out" so I create one. lol

That said, I have some strange patterns in my love life over the years.

People that were normally unfaithful, have been absolutely faithful to me and people who are normally a faithful person have been unfaithful with me. It really screwed up my head.
I don't blame myself in a self-pity way but surely there's a role that I play in that. Something I can change. (Pluto conjunct my asc maybe - always looking for change, rebirth, reformation)

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Lovely post. Thank you, Tony

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