Author
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Topic: Never realized how damaging the feel good platitudes could be until tonight
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aquaguy91 Moderator Posts: 8491 From: tennessee Registered: Jan 2012
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posted February 09, 2014 04:19 AM
Im talking about the usual pop psychology stuff like "love yourself or nobody will" or "be confident". Now, i have always understood that this junk is mostly bs and serves no purpose and i assumed most people felt the same way even though they act as if this stuff is gospel truth. However, after having a very deep conversation with the girl i have been seeing i now realize how damaging it can be. I will explain.... Me and her have bonded alot and i have gotten to the point where i can read her like a book even though i have aspergers. Well tonight she was being very distant with me and i knew that she was upset. I asked "whats wrong darlin?" and she denied being upset. Nevertheless I insisted on knowing what was wrong and she kept insisting everything was peachy. This went back and forth for awhile and i eventually got irritated and told her " well, its obvious something is bothering you , but you arent going to tell me,so i see no need to continue this conversation. I will let you go because you could probably use some rest anyways. I will talk to you tomorrow". After that we hung up the phone and 5 minutes later she texted me to apologize. She said " im sorry if i made you mad, i just dont want to bother you with my problems, you deserve better". So i was right! She was indeed upset,so i called her again and told her to spill it. What followed was raw emotion. She basically told me that she gets depressed alot and has self esteem problems because her dad was and still is verbally abusive. She says most days she is able to hide it but on nights like tonight all she wants to do is cry and she said i dont need to hear it or see it.i asked her why she thought that and she told me "because i thought you would run away if you knew i was like this". I then proceeded to let her know that wasnt true and i still care about her, even when she is at her worst and want to be there to lend an ear and a shoulder to cry on when she is.I wont go into everything we talked about because it would take forever, but its safe to say we became alot closer after having this heart to heart conversation. It really troubled me to find out that my girl was so afraid to open up to me because she thought i would like her less if she did. I dont know how people come up with this junk , but it really needs to stop. Its not true at all... When you really care about someone, you want to be there for them plain and simple. You dont want to condemn them for having a bad day or tell them to come back when they are peachy again. We all have bad days and we all get depressed and insecure at times and we need to stop denying it and sweeping it under the rug. The key to any good relationship is communication, this is especially true of romantic relationships. If you dont have communication your relationship is meaningless and wont last. This is why i have big problems with those phony feel good platitudes. If someone really cares about you they wont have a problem with you taking off that mask and being real. Those are the only types of relationships and friendships im interested in.IP: Logged |
Ami Anne Moderator Posts: 52687 From: Pluto/house next to NickiG Registered: Sep 2010
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posted February 09, 2014 08:01 AM
I know. Platitudes are basically a way of saying shut up or they are from people who are clueless. Sometimes, they are from people who feel helpless to know what to say, too. At any rate, I am so happy for you that you guys bonded.To me, she was trusting you enough to let you closer. That says a LOT! ------------------ Want To Ask Any Question About Bible Prophecy? Go For it. It is Free, of course. http://www.mychristianpsychic.com/
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Violets Moderator Posts: 2378 From: Twin Peaks Registered: Apr 2011
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posted February 09, 2014 12:07 PM
quote: Originally posted by Ami Anne: I know. Platitudes are basically a way of saying shut up or they are from people who are clueless. Sometimes, they are from people who feel helpless to know what to say, too.
Some of them drive me a little nutty, I have to confess. "Don't allow yourself to experience negative human emotions. Instead, you should put on your happy face and cheerfully take on the world!" IP: Logged |
Barbiegirl19 Knowflake Posts: 2846 From: Pluto with DeepFreeze Registered: Jul 2013
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posted February 09, 2014 12:24 PM
Sounds like she has some "issues" too. Best of luck to you. Honesty and trust are the keys to every relationship without them what's the point. If you feel good about yourself you wouldn't give a d@mm what anyone else thinks and therefore not afraid to open up your mind. IP: Logged |
StarlightSmileSupreme Knowflake Posts: 7533 From: neptune Registered: Nov 2012
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posted February 09, 2014 01:16 PM
quote: Originally posted by aquaguy91: Im talking about the usual pop psychology stuff like "love yourself or nobody will" or "be confident". Now, i have always understood that this junk is mostly bs and serves no purpose and i assumed most people felt the same way even though they act as if this stuff is gospel truth. However, after having a very deep conversation with the girl i have been seeing i now realize how damaging it can be. I will explain.... Me and her have bonded alot and i have gotten to the point where i can read her like a book even though i have aspergers. Well tonight she was being very distant with me and i knew that she was upset. I asked "whats wrong darlin?" and she denied being upset. Nevertheless I insisted on knowing what was wrong and she kept insisting everything was peachy. This went back and forth for awhile and i eventually got irritated and told her " well, its obvious something is bothering you , but you arent going to tell me,so i see no need to continue this conversation. I will let you go because you could probably use some rest anyways. I will talk to you tomorrow". After that we hung up the phone and 5 minutes later she texted me to apologize. She said " im sorry if i made you mad, i just dont want to bother you with my problems, you deserve better". So i was right! She was indeed upset,so i called her again and told her to spill it. What followed was raw emotion. She basically told me that she gets depressed alot and has self esteem problems because her dad was and still is verbally abusive. She says most days she is able to hide it but on nights like tonight all she wants to do is cry and she said i dont need to hear it or see it.i asked her why she thought that and she told me "because i thought you would run away if you knew i was like this". I then proceeded to let her know that wasnt true and i still care about her, even when she is at her worst and want to be there to lend an ear and a shoulder to cry on when she is.I wont go into everything we talked about because it would take forever, but its safe to say we became alot closer after having this heart to heart conversation. It really troubled me to find out that my girl was so afraid to open up to me because she thought i would like her less if she did. I dont know how people come up with this junk , but it really needs to stop. Its not true at all... When you really care about someone, you want to be there for them plain and simple. You dont want to condemn them for having a bad day or tell them to come back when they are peachy again. We all have bad days and we all get depressed and insecure at times and we need to stop denying it and sweeping it under the rug. The key to any good relationship is communication, this is especially true of romantic relationships. If you dont have communication your relationship is meaningless and wont last. This is why i have big problems with those phony feel good platitudes. If someone really cares about you they wont have a problem with you taking off that mask and being real. Those are the only types of relationships and friendships im interested in.
Aqua, reading this helps me understand what a true friend you are! It's great she has you to open up to and it does sound like she could use a good friend and a shoulder to cry on. Way to go, Aqua, for being nice to her and understanding. I do believe in the cliche "nobody's perfect" so why does everyone expect that from others?
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Padre35 Knowflake Posts: 3185 From: Asheville, NC, US Registered: Jul 2012
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posted February 09, 2014 02:45 PM
Here is my take AG, when in a relationship, this is a part of the give and take.Women have issues, they do not want to spill them on you b/c they are deathly afraid you will judge them harshly for just being..themselves One of the things one should realize is "stability needed, chaos required" She will storm and vent and cry a man's role is not to be all judgmental, it is to listen and ask question about whatever is upsetting her and tbh, normally it takes a minute to drill down to what the "real" problem is Nothing wrong with being confident..as long as it is based on something, I can tell myself "yeah I can do heart surgery" reality is, never walked into an operating room in my life..that is self deception It's one of the reasons why the military has confidence courses IP: Logged |
Ami Anne Moderator Posts: 52687 From: Pluto/house next to NickiG Registered: Sep 2010
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posted February 09, 2014 02:47 PM
quote: Originally posted by Barbiegirl19: Sounds like she has some "issues" too. Best of luck to you. Honesty and trust are the keys to every relationship without them what's the point. If you feel good about yourself you wouldn't give a d@mm what anyone else thinks and therefore not afraid to open up your mind.
Who doesn't have issues. Name one ------------------ Want To Ask Any Question About Bible Prophecy? Go For it. It is Free, of course. http://www.mychristianpsychic.com/
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Ami Anne Moderator Posts: 52687 From: Pluto/house next to NickiG Registered: Sep 2010
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posted February 09, 2014 02:48 PM
Nothing wrong with being confident..as long as it is based on something, I can tell myself "yeah I can do heart surgery" reality is, never walked into an operating room in my life..that is self deceptionPlease don't do surgery ------------------ Want To Ask Any Question About Bible Prophecy? Go For it. It is Free, of course. http://www.mychristianpsychic.com/
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Odette Knowflake Posts: 3579 From: Registered: May 2012
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posted February 09, 2014 10:32 PM
AG - I'm sorry to hear she's having these problems and her father sounds abusive. If she is old enough maybe she should consider moving out (if she can). It sounds like you care about each other a great deal and I'm happy that she opened up to you and that you are extra supportive - because this will help her a lot quote: You dont want to condemn them for having a bad day or tell them to come back when they are peachy again.
You'd be surprised how many people do this. This is why I created the "fair weather friend" thread - some time ago lol It's sad that it has to get to that. Padre -
quote: Women have issues, they do not want to spill them on you b/c they are deathly afraid you will judge them harshly for just being..themselves
Yes.. exclusively women behave this way.. *facepalm* Also.. another really important piece of information for AG might be the fact that -- women... wait for it.... wait for it.... ... .. . . . . .... eat oranges! IP: Logged |
Odette Knowflake Posts: 3579 From: Registered: May 2012
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posted February 09, 2014 10:38 PM
quote: I can tell myself "yeah I can do heart surgery"
Well with the right training you could do heart surgery. Most people don't tell themselves they "can" do something they actually cannot do. What inspires people are things they believe they will be able to do in the future.. Those things make up their dreams. So a medicine student might think to themselves "yeah.. I'll be able to perform heart surgery and do it well!!... one fine day..." IP: Logged |
Padre35 Knowflake Posts: 3185 From: Asheville, NC, US Registered: Jul 2012
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posted February 10, 2014 02:08 AM
hehehe..Odette, would not say that if it were not true. To be clear, what usually happens is something comes up, somethng not good, and she'll get really emotional Which means scared, ****** off, and very afraid, and then the rage, then the need for understanding, then "you think I'm crazy" TBH, from my poc, this is one of the reasons why relationships fail, the guy handles it wrong..instead of being an oak, men react Which oddly enough, is not what you ladies want..ime what you all want is not a girlfriend dressed as a BF, you want someone who will listen then say a few words there are few better words for a man to know then "why do you feel that way"? Say that and ZOMG, hope you have a snickers b/c is she trusts you..this will take awhile IP: Logged |
Odette Knowflake Posts: 3579 From: Registered: May 2012
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posted February 10, 2014 09:51 PM
quote: would not say that if it were not true.
It's true... that exclusively women have secret issues that they do not want to spill - and are scared of being judged? lol Ok. You know Padre, I realised I generally agree with most things you say as long as I replace all your "women" and "men" references with "people" IP: Logged |
Odette Knowflake Posts: 3579 From: Registered: May 2012
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posted February 10, 2014 09:55 PM
e.g. on your last post.. If you had said -- "To be clear, what usually happens is something comes up, somethng not good, and one person gets really emotional.
Which means scared, ****** off, and very afraid, and then the rage, then the need for understanding, then "you think I'm crazy" TBH, from my poc, this is one of the reasons why relationships fail, one or both partners handle it wrong.. instead of being an oak, they react Which oddly enough, is not what the other partner usually wants ... People want someone who will listen then say a few words. There are few better words for a partner to know then "why do you feel that way"? Say that and ZOMG, hope you have a snickers b/c your loved one trusts you..this will take awhile" Then.. I would agree
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Padre35 Knowflake Posts: 3185 From: Asheville, NC, US Registered: Jul 2012
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posted February 10, 2014 11:34 PM
quote: Originally posted by Odette: It's true... that exclusively women have secret issues that they do not want to spill - and are scared of being judged?lol Ok. You know Padre, I realised I generally agree with most things you say as long as I replace all your "women" and "men" references with "people"
Thing is Odette, men are taught to not spill our emotions. And from what I've seen, women do not like a man who does so, to be blunt, if they wanted a GF they'd hang out with their GF's Honestly, do you really want to hear abt mommy issues, or the time Dad ilke him best and you have to suck it up? My guess is...nope..and for good reason Unless "sensitive new age guy" is your cup o' tea, then carry on IP: Logged |
Odette Knowflake Posts: 3579 From: Registered: May 2012
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posted February 11, 2014 12:18 AM
Yes.. some people are taught not to spill their emotions and others taught to be more open.On this thread we're talking about a woman who had a hard time spilling her emotions because she was scared of being judged.. but she decided to spill anyway. She is one woman. She is not every woman. She is her own person Because every person has their own soul and personality regardless of their genitalia ---
Earlier you said:
"Women have issues, they do not want to spill them" Now you said: "Men are taught to not spill our emotions." So now.. *everyone* - male and female does not want to spill their emotions. Is that it?
So, according to you.. women don't want to spill their emotions because they are scared of being judged - whereas men hold back from spilling their emotions - because they were all "taught" not to spill.
Ok.. I mean I can see that ^. Some people would relate to not being able to express themselves emotionally. And other people would not relate to that. It applies to some people on the face of the planet (regardless of gender) but obviously not to all people quote: women do not like a man who does.....
I honestly have no idea what "women" do or do not like - because I am not living the lives of 3.5 billion people. I am only living my own. quote: f they wanted a GF they'd hang out with their GF's
That's a very typical statement Padre. I have heard this said a dozen times. You must be reading the book of 'over-regurgitated old wives tales'. Anyone can hang out with whomever they want. They can have 10 girlfriends (or friends of the same sex) and still need and want more tlc from their partner. IP: Logged |
Odette Knowflake Posts: 3579 From: Registered: May 2012
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posted February 11, 2014 12:20 AM
quote: Honestly, do you really want to hear abt mommy issues, or the time Dad ilke him best and you have to suck it up?
Of course I do. Beyond all doubt. I 100% want to know everything. I have a Pisces Mercury. quote: Unless "sensitive new age guy" is your cup o' tea, then carry on
Anyone who is honest and true to themselves.. is my cup of tea.. and anyone who is a liar - is not. And guess which category the behaviour you suggest .. falls under? IP: Logged |
Padre35 Knowflake Posts: 3185 From: Asheville, NC, US Registered: Jul 2012
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posted February 11, 2014 01:31 AM
quote: Originally posted by Odette: Anyone who is honest and true to themselves.. is my cup of tea.. and anyone who is a liar - is not. And guess which category the behaviour you suggest .. falls under?
Uhm yeah, so when dude was 13 and got the small piece of chkn, this is what ladies want to hear?
Uhm..no
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aquaguy91 Moderator Posts: 8491 From: tennessee Registered: Jan 2012
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posted February 11, 2014 01:41 AM
Good grief. Padre and Odette quarrel like a married couple. IP: Logged |
Odette Knowflake Posts: 3579 From: Registered: May 2012
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posted February 11, 2014 03:25 AM
Padre - Do you understand the concept that DIFFERENT people are just DIFFERENT people?"The ladies" and "the women" do not exist. They are all different people who share the same anatomy.. but who have different personalities, astrological make-ups, psychological make-ups, souls, higher-selves.. and so on. Just based on what you know about me online, on LL.. would you say that your Taurus female friend (the one you mentioned in the other thread) and I... have anything at all in common? I mean clearly we both have a va jay jay and a pair of ti*ts . Other than that ^... do you feel like on a pure *vibe* level we have anything in common? Do you really THINK that the same behaviour that would please this Taurus girl - would also please me? Or that the same behaviour that would bother her would also bother me? Simply because we have the same genitalia....?? Does that really make sense to you? O_O Are you and Aqua Guy the SAME person because you both have a penis? Do you feel like you are one and the same? IP: Logged |
Odette Knowflake Posts: 3579 From: Registered: May 2012
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posted February 11, 2014 03:26 AM
quote: Good grief. Padre and Odette quarrel like a married couple.
LOL Oh the irony! Our mutual disinterest in marriage is one of the few things we have in common IP: Logged |
aquaguy91 Moderator Posts: 8491 From: tennessee Registered: Jan 2012
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posted February 11, 2014 04:04 AM
Quit talking about vajayjays in my thread odette, you are so vulgar. IP: Logged |
Odette Knowflake Posts: 3579 From: Registered: May 2012
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posted February 11, 2014 05:15 AM
^^ IP: Logged |
aquaguy91 Moderator Posts: 8491 From: tennessee Registered: Jan 2012
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posted February 11, 2014 05:29 AM
You know i get horny when you talk to me like that.IP: Logged |
Padre35 Knowflake Posts: 3185 From: Asheville, NC, US Registered: Jul 2012
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posted February 11, 2014 11:14 AM
quote: Originally posted by aquaguy91: Good grief. Padre and Odette quarrel like a married couple.
Nah, just love Odette when she is mad... IP: Logged |
Padre35 Knowflake Posts: 3185 From: Asheville, NC, US Registered: Jul 2012
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posted February 11, 2014 11:27 AM
quote: Originally posted by Odette: Padre - Do you understand the concept that DIFFERENT people are just DIFFERENT people?"The ladies" and "the women" do not exist. They are all different people who share the same anatomy.. but who have different personalities, astrological make-ups, psychological make-ups, souls, higher-selves.. and so on. Just based on what you know about me online, on LL.. would you say that your Taurus female friend (the one you mentioned in the other thread) and I... have anything at all in common?
Yep, I would, you share very similar views, on everything from sex to how women are viewed to the need to be adaptable etc. quote: I mean clearly we both have a va jay jay and a pair of ti*ts . Other than that ^... do you feel like on a pure *vibe* level we have anything in common?
Yep, you would hit it off quickly. She despises the banality of life and how people do not examine why they do or say things, or think things, like pre-programmed robots who are hard wired to do those things. Sounds like..you
quote: Do you really THINK that the same behaviour that would please this Taurus girl - would also please me? Or that the same behaviour that would bother her would also bother me? Simply because we have the same genitalia....??Does that really make sense to you? O_O Are you and Aqua Guy the SAME person because you both have a penis? Do you feel like you are one and the same?
May sound odd, however I'm not terribly interested in pleasing anyone. My goal is to be the "best" me I can be, if that is pleasing then great, if not, well that is fine to, have a life to live IP: Logged |