posted April 08, 2014 10:11 AM            

For me...IT'S HIS AUNT.
And saying she is unpleasant is an understatement. Trashy b*tch would be better.

Now my guy respects his aunt as a person. So I've been keeping my thoughts to myself.
He knows that if someone is cool with me, I'll be cool with with them.

But I finally said something to him about his aunt.

I went to a family thing with my guy. She made a passive low blow dagger comment that was suppose to be a jab at me. I knew what she was doing...and just let it go...cause who cares...I don't think anyone else does. And I don't think anyone else is reading between the lines on this.

And I guess since she was too subtle the first time with her insult...She decides to flat out say "I know that Stawr had nothing to do with this gift!!" (cause I signed the present with my guy and his brother)
My guy stuck up for me in a very calm unemotional tone (Taurus Moon, ha) Like "Actually she did, and she was very helpful."

Yeah she says all kinds of aggressive things to me. But when she said that I was just so done...! I wanted to just walk away.

Been talking to people who I'm close with about this reacts like "SHE SAID THAT TO YOU!??" Getting all kinds of perspectives on this situation.

So far I like everyone in his family except for his aunt. And how do you, when it seems like she is always attempting to get some kind of reaction out of me. I usually just let her comments be on her. There has really only been one time I kind of lost it.

And my sister brought up a point that "you can't fight with crazy"

posted April 08, 2014 12:26 PM            

Let him have his family time.

posted April 08, 2014 01:26 PM            

Do you know her chart?

What I found with one in-law who made me want to slap her hard in the face was that she has Chiron in her 12th, and my NN is conjunct her Chiron.

It gave me a different perspective on how we would need to deal with our relationship, since neither one of us is going anywhere anytime soon.

She's interested in astrology, and I explained the dynamic to her after telling her that I didn't care for her passive-aggressive, manipulative behavior (and having to have a heart-to-heart around Christmas), and so far it's been much, much better.

posted April 08, 2014 02:03 PM            

Someone had a reason to hate me for what I represented in her life. I did nothing wrong, it was not on me. And of course objectively she knows that. But she kind of used me to pin her jealousies on and it wasn't fair. But I kind of just decided that it was ridiculous.

I think there are three stages to this kind of thing.

First you have to ignore all the innuendoes, then when it becomes outright rudeness (as with the example of the gift), although it's hard you have to ignore that too. The third stage for her will be the puzzlement stage, when it dawns on her that you are not reacting like she expects. She is probably baiting you because she thinks you are a monster just waiting to rear your head. When you don't, but meet her rudeness with friendliness, she will have to admit to herself that she was wrong.

posted April 08, 2014 02:54 PM            

My mother moved into a semi-assisted living place last year and made a point of easing slowly into the social side there. There are two very bossy female characters who order everyone around, gossip and sort of scare the others into submission. My mother avoided getting sucked into that at first, kept her distance, and THEN responded to all their meanness by being extra nice. Both women have come round now (at least to her) and she is very popular there with everyone. (Being a retired infants teacher has no doubt given her an understanding of group psychology and dynamics.)

posted April 08, 2014 02:57 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Kerosene:
Ha you wish..
If it was that easy people wouldn't have issues with in laws and this thread would not exist.

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posted April 08, 2014 06:16 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Kerosene:
Ha you wish..
If it was that easy people wouldn't have issues with in laws and this thread would not exist.

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posted April 08, 2014 06:17 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Jo B:
Well if it's just clashes of character rather than behaviour then it's probably best to avoid them. I know I would (and do).

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Yes, this too!

posted April 08, 2014 06:22 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Jo B:
Well said Sybil, negative to negative will just breed more negative, but POSITIVE to negative will at least neutralise her. (I'm sure you probably don't really care to be close friends with her anyway. )

My mother moved into a semi-assisted living place last year and made a point of easing slowly into the social side there. There are two very bossy female characters who order everyone around, gossip and sort of scare the others into submission. My mother avoided getting sucked into that at first, kept her distance, and THEN responded to all their meanness by being extra nice. Both women have come round now (at least to her) and she is very popular there with everyone. (Being a retired infants teacher has no doubt given her an understanding of group psychology and dynamics.)

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Thank you, Jo

Your story reminds me of a conversation I overheard by my elderly neighbours the other day. They are probably 80 something and were potting in the garden. I heard the man offer his wife a pot and she went ballistic because it was the wrong one. Threw a total temper tantrum! It was so ridiculous (as fighting always is when listening in). I guess I just didn't expect it at that age. I figured they should have matured beyond it by then, but I guess arguments make toddlers of us all

posted April 08, 2014 06:37 PM            

For me, however, it was difficult in both areas, as it was my mother in-law who was not only coming into my home and making snide, passive-aggressive digs towards me, but she's also my son's grandmother and my husband's mother. My husband and her are very close (although not so close that he denied what I had to say about her behavior, but close enough that it would have made me look like an @ss if I had gone out of my way to avoid her as often as possible).

I tried that, but I just didn't see it working without making my husband really unhappy and creating a weird family dynamic for my son, which felt selfish to me.

So I decided to be clear about what I was and was not willing to put up with when people were guests in my home, and let her know as politely as possible (I had to do it via email, because I had remained silent about it for so long that I was afraid I might completely blow a gasket) how some of her behavior looked from my perspective.

I left it open as far as being willing to consider that perhaps I was misinterpreting things (although I was positive that I was not), but also let her know that until we could talk about things a little more, it would be best if she didn't come out for a visit.
Obviously, my husband and son could go and visit her, but I just wasn't interested in having someone be welcomed as a guest in my home only to treat me in a way that I found disrespectful.

She was very offended, played the victim, etc., but in the end we were able to talk about things that had not been talked about before, and it really cleared the air.

posted April 08, 2014 07:02 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Stawr:
I went to a family thing with my guy. She made a passive low blow dagger comment that was suppose to be a jab at me. I knew what she was doing...and just let it go...cause who cares...I don't think anyone else does. And I don't think anyone else is reading between the lines on this.

And I guess since she was too subtle the first time with her insult...She decides to flat out say "I know that Stawr had nothing to do with this gift!!" (cause I signed the present with my guy and his brother)
My guy stuck up for me in a very calm unemotional tone (Taurus Moon, ha) Like "Actually she did, and she was very helpful."

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I would treat her with indifference but not anger or despise.
I don't feel very affected by this kind of passive aggressive thing though. I couldn't feel like walking away - because I would find it easy to brush it off... but I wouldn't be quiet about it either.
I would always call her up on absolutely everything she says.. although not in an aggressive or confrontational way.

For instance - when she said "I know Straw had nothing to do with this gift" - you could straightforwardly ask her.. "Why? What do you mean?" or "What makes you say that? It's a strange thing to say.."

posted April 08, 2014 07:16 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Odette:
I would treat her with indifference but not anger or despise.
I don't feel very affected by this kind of passive aggressive thing though. I couldn't feel like walking away - because I would it easy to brush it off... but I wouldn't be quiet about it either.
I would always call her up on absolutely everything she says.. although not in an aggressive or confrontational way.

For instance - when she said "I know Straw had nothing to do with this gift" - you could straightforwardly ask her.. "Why? What do you mean?" or "What makes you say that? It's a strange thing to say.."

^ This is what I would do every single time - and I would say it in a big enough voice that everyone else hears me - asking her.. but it's important that your tone is very very calm and dismissive - like you could care less, and you are *simply* asking.

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^ Completely agree with this.

Unfortunately, in my situation I waited too long to start doing any of that, and was ready to blow a fuse (also, as mentioned, my NN is conjunct her Chiron...my NN is in Sag, encouraging more direct communication).

posted April 08, 2014 07:40 PM            

quote:

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I wish I were able to put that knowledge to use more often, but consistently passive-aggressive (and generally aggressive) people really throw me off guard and I can lose my cool about it.

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You probably do. You're a Pisces! Pisces has to be the calmest sign.

I have Cap influence so I react by instantly becoming very cold towards the person.

Stawr - You could also simply pretend you didn't hear her, e.g. "I'm Sorry? Did you say my name? I didn't catch that".

Passive aggressive people don't like having a spotlight put on them. They take their jabs in a quiet/non-obvious way.
So it makes them uncomfortable to be socially exposed.

posted April 09, 2014 12:07 AM            

Very helpful insights!
Thanks, yeah I'm usually good at letting her comments not affect me.
After that accusation, now I know how desperate she is, and how low she will stoop just to make me look "bad." Even with her newish husbands side of the family there.(who were nice to me btw)

I thought it was common sense for adults (you would think kids 9 and up, but then there is that sweet 16 reality show that proves otherwise) to be polite about gifts they receive no matter what they think of it.

My guy says it's just her personality, I can kind of see that. But then I don't see her being "that nasty" to anyone but me. I was stunned that a 40 year old is willing to show everyone she has no class just to get some kind of reaction from me and make some kind of statement.
He even told me "I know her personality is kind of dull..."
I'm thinking 'DULL?? Dull is like my aunt D who sits on the couch and eats potato chips.' But I think that was his nice caring way of saying "I know she has a terrible personality..." She is not dull at all she is bat **** bananas.

I did say under my breath "well that was nice" and roll my eyes.
Wasn't mentally prepared for that I guess, I should of had coffee. (I skipped my usual second cup that day)
I was just done...

My guy respects his as a person, so I've been trying to as well, even if he didn't respect his aunt I still would do my best. And I just don't know what to do, now that she really showed her true colors even more.

posted April 09, 2014 12:25 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:
Just ignore. It's always most effective to marginalize.

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posted April 09, 2014 12:46 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Kerosene:
Hmmm next time don't hang out with his family..
Simple.

Let him have his family time.

It would a lot easier for her to pin him against you if you visibly seem to be annoyed around his family.

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It's just his aunt. He invited me. I know I don't have to say yes, but I thought I had her craziness handled. I don't do everything with his family and give him time when he says he has a family things do and doesn't invite me.
And sometimes I invite him to my family things and sometimes I don't as well.

posted April 09, 2014 01:23 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Jo B:
Yep, agree with YTA, just ignore the woman. She's obviously very unhappy, just leave her to stew.

Sometimes if you are EXTRA kind to people too it throws them because they don't expect it. They are LOOKING for a reaction and if you don't give it, they don't win.

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Yeah!! Super insecure. I learned a bit about his aunts background. They guy she was seeing when she was super young...she got mad at him, so she stopped taking her birth control. Basically tried to trap him with a baby, and it didn't work. She has to live with that everyday. That is the equivalent of poking holes in a condom. That's where her first kid came from. My sister said she might be taking it out on me cause she probably couldn't buy gifts for her nephews when she was my age.

The being super nice thing, that reminds me of what my christian mom had to say about this. Well first she said "it sounds like she has a manipulating spirit." And then "Bless your enemies, and you will be blessed even more!!" I basically told her to prove it and give me an example.

She told me how she did something nice for someone that was horrible to her at work. And how thrown off and how guilty and moved they were and added "it's like hot coals are being dragged over their head."