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Author
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Topic: Would you be ok with...
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I'm so cappy
Knowflake Posts: 5525
From: Saturn (summer house on Chiron)
Registered: Nov 2012
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posted April 13, 2014 07:29 AM
  
never meeting your boyfriend's/girlfriend's family if he/she wasn't close with them and didn't want to involve them in his/her private matters?And would you be ok with your SO not wanting to meet your family early and often? What if they introduced their immediate family to you but generally rarely contacted them and met them every couple of years or at all? Would you be bothered? I'm talking about a serious relationship scenario. ------------------
I'm sooo happy! I mean, cappy. IP: Logged |
Sibyl
Knowflake Posts: 495
From: Uranus
Registered: Dec 2010
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posted April 13, 2014 07:41 AM
No. Family's important, and I think someone with no interest in family matters is a warning sign. If, with good reason, my SO wanted not to see his own family I would accept it (though I would wonder why no contact with ALL of them was necessary, surely there must be a cousin or uncle or grandmother or something?), but I would not accept a disinterest in mine. IP: Logged |
I'm so cappy
Knowflake Posts: 5525
From: Saturn (summer house on Chiron)
Registered: Nov 2012
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posted April 13, 2014 07:45 AM
quote:
I think someone with no interest in family matters is a warning sign
What would it make you afraid of? quote:
(though I would wonder why no contact with ALL of them was necessary, surely there must be a cousin or uncle or grandmother or something?)
What if he was a foreigner and they all lived in his country of origin? And what if he wasn't close with more distant relatives either?------------------
I'm sooo happy! I mean, cappy. IP: Logged |
Sibyl
Knowflake Posts: 495
From: Uranus
Registered: Dec 2010
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posted April 13, 2014 07:52 AM
It would worry me that he was not interested in a family, because I am interested in mine and I want my own some day. If this is not important to you then that is fine, but not having much interest in family without a very valid reason signals to me someone with intimacy and commitment issues. I would be looking for someone to have a family with and if you don't have an interest in sticking with your own family, why should I think you would want to stick to a new one? No matter that they are in a different country, so is mine, but I'm still plugged in. And I still very much have an interest in other people's families. I think families are great! I always love meeting my friends families because it tells me so much about how they came to be the people they are. It's important in understanding them.Furthermore, I would wish my SO to be involved in my family life as my family is important to me, and I want to spend my life plugged into and involved in their lives. IP: Logged |
I'm so cappy
Knowflake Posts: 5525
From: Saturn (summer house on Chiron)
Registered: Nov 2012
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posted April 13, 2014 07:55 AM
Ok, thanks for explaining.------------------
I'm sooo happy! I mean, cappy. IP: Logged |
Sibyl
Knowflake Posts: 495
From: Uranus
Registered: Dec 2010
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posted April 13, 2014 08:01 AM
I'm also cancer moon  So this is really a non-negotiable for me  IP: Logged |
I'm so cappy
Knowflake Posts: 5525
From: Saturn (summer house on Chiron)
Registered: Nov 2012
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posted April 13, 2014 08:02 AM
Noted *cringes* ------------------
I'm sooo happy! I mean, cappy. IP: Logged |
12muddy
Knowflake Posts: 1624
From:
Registered: Feb 2013
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posted April 13, 2014 08:13 AM
Yes to both. It's a personal matter, and one that I can relate so to me it's not a problem. Well I guess it depends, like if he went out of his way to avoid my family, or did s.t drastic (without reasonable explanation), that would have raised a few questions.He grew up away from his parents, I couldn't wait to get away from mine. Plus mine aren't the kind most people would want to deal with. There are various reasons why we got back into contact with them, but one of the big reasons is that we want kids n we think it'd be nice for them to have grandparents n all. Idk, they're ok atm but in the future if things go down the sewage we'd have to cut them off. IP: Logged |
Sibyl
Knowflake Posts: 495
From: Uranus
Registered: Dec 2010
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posted April 13, 2014 08:14 AM
quote:
Originally posted by I'm so cappy:
Noted *cringes*
It's not for everyone IP: Logged |
Odette
Knowflake Posts: 4000
From:
Registered: May 2012
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posted April 13, 2014 10:20 AM
It wouldn't bother me. I'm close to my family but if he didn't want to hang out with them, I just wouldn't invite him.
If he didn't want me to meet his own family, I wouldn't mind as long as the reasons are explained to me and I don't get the vibe that there are skeletons in the closet. IP: Logged |
Odette
Knowflake Posts: 4000
From:
Registered: May 2012
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posted April 13, 2014 10:25 AM
quote:
Originally posted by I'm so cappy
What if he was a foreigner and they all lived in his country of origin?
[/B]
I was in this situation with a Canadian guy who wanted to date me last year. He had no family here at all. I could care less about that. It's very normal to travel alone for those who like to travel or study/work abroad. IP: Logged |
Odette
Knowflake Posts: 4000
From:
Registered: May 2012
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posted April 13, 2014 10:30 AM
Sibyl - I understand your reasons. I'm not that into commitment and definitely not ready to start my own family. So, from my perspective it's not a warning sign.
But I agree that - if you are looking for something serious and long lasting - a person who is very disconnected from their family is less likely to be marriage material.IP: Logged |
Jo B
Knowflake Posts: 447
From: London, UK
Registered: Feb 2014
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posted April 13, 2014 10:44 AM
I had a boyfriend once (well, more of a fling) who said he didn't "do families". Why I didn't dump him there and then I have no idea. How superior did he think he was?? I like to meet my SO's families partly because I like to see my boyfriend relates to his mother (which in my book is often how he will treat a woman). My mother is also a fairly perceptive judge of character so she won't waste any time telling me if she doesn't think someone is right for me. 9 times out of 10 she is right about them. I like men who have time for my mother, joking, making her feel comfortable. I find that immensely attractive. IP: Logged |
Violets
Moderator Posts: 3139
From: Twin Peaks
Registered: Apr 2011
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posted April 13, 2014 10:55 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Jo B:
I like to meet my SO's families partly because I like to see my boyfriend relates to his mother (which in my book is often how he will treat a woman). My mother is also a fairly perceptive judge of character so she won't waste any time telling me if she doesn't think someone is right for me. 9 times out of 10 she is right about them. I like men who have time for my mother, joking, making her feel comfortable. I find that immensely attractive.
I agree with this. I had one ex who didn't speak to his parents at all. He spoke to one brother (although I will say that they were both adopted, and their mother was very abusive throughout their childhoods). He was one of those sneaky misogynists...the kind who advocate for women's rights, but then treat women as though they're property or dispensable or something. He was a real jerk to be in a relationship with, and we were together for so long that I can say that with certainty. I also got a firsthand view of how he treated his ex girlfriend and ex wife, not to mention how he treated his female friends. Not good. Very manipulative and emotionally abusive in general towards women...but like I said, a little bit sneaky about it, and I don't believe that he was even aware of his behavior at all. Anyway, my family didn't like him from the beginning. My grandma was always a good judge of character, and she was right. IP: Logged |
Violets
Moderator Posts: 3139
From: Twin Peaks
Registered: Apr 2011
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posted April 13, 2014 11:04 AM
To answer the question, I did have a problem with it when I dated my ex. I dated that guy for ten years (off and on for some of it), and I NEVER met his parents. Granted, they were in a different state and somewhat far away, but he never called them, and was really weird about it. I don't think that they even had his phone number. He got along with his dad, so it was a little odd.He was as involved with my family as I was, which was to go visit for holidays and things like that, but it bothered me to not have the family vibe. There have been a few times when I've had to make a decision about whether to keep my family involved in my life or not. But thankfully, they have always demonstrated that they do care about me, so I've actually become closer to them after starting my own family. But I did have to weigh the pros and cons of maintaining contact a few times. I suppose if it was extreme, and the person had a terrible childhood and there was no possible benefit from them speaking to their family, I would understand. It would make more sense that way. With my ex, he had been in contact with his family enough that I felt that it was odd that he didn't try to repair the relationship with them at the point when I met him. He didn't do a very good job of explaining his reasoning to me, so it was hard to understand where he was coming from. Anyway, yes I would have a problem with it, but not if it was legitimately in everyone's best interest. IP: Logged |
I'm so cappy
Knowflake Posts: 5525
From: Saturn (summer house on Chiron)
Registered: Nov 2012
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posted April 13, 2014 11:39 AM
quote:
With my ex, he had been in contact with his family enough that I felt that it was odd that he didn't try to repair the relationship with them at the point when I met him.
Maybe he lost the bond (if there was ever any) and didn't care anymore. Would you prefer him to pretend he did? ------------------
I'm sooo happy! I mean, cappy. IP: Logged |
Violets
Moderator Posts: 3139
From: Twin Peaks
Registered: Apr 2011
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posted April 13, 2014 11:48 AM
quote:
Originally posted by I'm so cappy:
Maybe he lost the bond (if there was ever any) and didn't care anymore. Would you prefer him to have pretended he did?
Eh...it would have been nice to have at least met them. And he didn't really explain much about why he didn't contact them or want me to meet them. In retrospect, I see the reasoning behind why he didn't want to talk to them. He had a lot of explaining to do for some of his actions with them, and I think that he was still very resentful towards them. But either he wasn't willing or able to explain all of that to me clearly, or I just wasn't in a place to be able to comprehend it. I do think that people (at least in my life) should probably *try* to maintain contact with their families, unless their families are so toxic that it does more harm than good. But that's me being slightly subjective, so...I don't know. We both had a mutual friend who did not speak to any members of her family at all, whatsoever. It was understandable, however, as she had been severely abused by both of her parents, and everyone in her family was in complete denial about it (gaslighting, as it's commonly referred to). I didn't blame her one bit for not speaking to her family. I suppose it just depends. Also, I do value family, but again I believe people should be able to walk away from them if it's too toxic. But it's helpful if that can be explained to a S/O.  IP: Logged |
Violets
Moderator Posts: 3139
From: Twin Peaks
Registered: Apr 2011
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posted April 13, 2014 11:56 AM
I think that understanding and communication are key in these types of situations. If I'm going to allow someone into my life to become emotionally close to, I want to know WHY they don't talk to their family, or why they don't want me to meet them.It's only fair, imo. Granted, I go well out of my way to prevent my mom from mingling with my dad or mother in-law, because...well, she can be a very toxic person to have around, and my mother in-law can be a bit that way as well. I don't have any problem whatsoever having my dad, step-mom, and brothers around my in-laws, because they can conduct themselves graciously, without blurting out whatever inappropriate thoughts pop into their heads.  I don't explain that to my in-laws, but they're not the people I'm married to. I do explain it to my husband. IP: Logged |
StarlightSmileSupreme
Knowflake Posts: 8255
From: neptune
Registered: Nov 2012
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posted April 13, 2014 05:31 PM
quote:
Originally posted by I'm so cappy:
never meeting your boyfriend's/girlfriend's family if he/she wasn't close with them and didn't want to involve them in his/her private matters?And would you be ok with your SO not wanting to meet your family early and often? What if they introduced their immediate family to you but generally rarely contacted them and met them every couple of years or at all? Would you be bothered? I'm talking about a serious relationship scenario.
I would be OK if my boyfriend was an orphan with no family. IP: Logged |
Odette
Knowflake Posts: 4000
From:
Registered: May 2012
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posted April 13, 2014 06:55 PM
Violets - Does your ex have Venus Retrograde in natal? I'm glad you're well rid of him!IP: Logged |
PixieJane
Moderator Posts: 4203
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted April 13, 2014 09:44 PM
IF they're not that close (and thus know I'm not being "hid" from them) then sure, I'm fine with it. I'm okay with people not wanting to meet my family a lot, but only because I live over a thousand miles away anyway. If I lived much closer than that then it could be a problem. However, if I come under the impression that this person is hiding a past from me--few photos of significance, no mementos, large gaps in their personal history missing on top of no family then I'd be very concerned. And that's for practical reasons (including his being a user, someone who builds a life to disappear, a criminal, perhaps hunted by dangerous people on both sides of the law, etc), but if I felt very close to this person then I'd also feel shut out. I don't think I could get that close to a person who shut me out like that (I certainly haven't yet). IP: Logged |
Violets
Moderator Posts: 3139
From: Twin Peaks
Registered: Apr 2011
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posted April 13, 2014 10:01 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Odette:
Violets - Does your ex have Venus Retrograde in natal? I'm glad you're well rid of him!
Heh. No, but he did have Pluto, Uranus, and Mars all conjunct his Asc in 12th. All square his Moon/NN/MC, and opposite Saturn and Ceres.  Yep. He was secretive, alright. I can't describe how pleased I am to be rid of him! I tried to remain friends with him after we broke up, but he would often call to apologize and then end up essentially blaming me for everything that went wrong in the relationship. This was after I was married, with a baby. I stopped answering his calls or texts, but wow he was relentless.
Blechh. Anyway, back to topic...
 IP: Logged |
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