posted July 21, 2014 07:27 PM            

Here's a bit of a background story for those who are wondering why on earth I'm being so dramatic:

- I was physically and verbally abused by my mom from a tender age up until I turned 16. She would hit me before going to school and after. She even almost cut my throat with a knife when I was 7. Thankfully I was able to push her away from me so she only cut my finger. She destroyed my homework, school books multiple times. Bruises were a normality.

- My dad wouldn't care and he would allow her to behave like this. He never defended me. He just added to my pain by not allowing me to watch TV, read magazines, listen to music, have friends, have any artistic hobby. He would always belittle me because I'm a "girl" and "girls" can't be allowed to have any sort of freedom. To this day, he still puts me down because I'm a "woman".

- My mom cheated on my dad, twice and forced me to cover up her cheating when I discovered it unintentionally. She would force me to text her other man and force me to lie to my dad about him. Then one day I told everything to my dad and she called me a "liar". She didn't speak to me for 6 months and my dad told me to apologize to her because of my "lie".

- Then came the moment when I told my parents I passed my final college exams and I'm due to graduate soon. My mom's response: "I couldn't care less" - My dad's response: "We're not going to celebrate. I'm not interested. I have stuff going on. I don't care about celebrating". My heart sunk completely.

- My dad now blackmails me into taking his side because he found out my mom was really cheating on him. I can't stay at home without him annoying me about this.

- My first job. I got bullied because I supposedly look like a male dressed as a female. I was according to these people too ugly. I quit after a couple months.

- I did an internship and the entire time I was called "useless" and "dumb" by the people who were supposed to train me.

- I haven't been able to find a job since despite my prestigious degree. I never get a single response or interview back. Only rejection.

- Most men I dated ditch me after two or three dates because I'm too "brainy" and they "don't want to have to wait to have sex". I've therefore never been in love.

- I was bullied in school until I reached college. Kids at school would always call me "ugly", tell me to "hide my face", that I should "kill myself because God didn't bless me with anything".

- Even now, as a 23 year old woman, I still get called "ugly" when I'm walking down the street. It happened a couple of times last month. Twice, some teenagers came up to me as I was minding my own business and told me "You're know you're so effin ugly, you should hide your face!". I'm used to hearing such words from everyone, my mom, my dad, my class mates, my exes ... I also sometimes get called "fat" as I'm walking down the street. It's painful.

- My parents were quite poor during my time in junior high and kids were always making fun of me for "wearing the same clothes every single day". I was so ashmed and even now, I still am.

I went to a college counselor who did not believe me because he thought that a "kid from a (now) wealthy background can't possibility go through all of this. Something doesn't add up". I had to stop the sessions. The last person I could turn to didn't want to believe me. I therefore had no one to turn to except myself. I kept everything bottled up until today.

posted July 21, 2014 07:36 PM            

Love

Ami

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posted July 21, 2014 09:34 PM            

Personally, I've found group therapy far more helpful, that is talking with people who go (or at least went) through it rather than those trained to deal with it. And when dealing with counselors the less training they have the better (as long as you're not looking for a diagnostic label) and it pays to keep in mind that the field is filled with incompetents and scam-artists as any other field. Calling a crisis line, suicide hotline, and the like should put you in touch with groups in your area. (Most have had negative experiences with local mental health resources, however.)

In any case, as long as you're cringing in shame then mean people are going to pounce on you while others (such as potential employers) will be inclined to be uncomfortable (or at least unimpressed when compared to a self-confident go-getter). Seems getting as far way from your parents as possible is the way to go, because even if you do show improvement they (and everyone else who torments you) will become outraged and tear you back down so that you never get better. The well is dry where you're at, and no rain is coming.

posted July 22, 2014 05:33 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by PixieJane:
"Very good Advice"

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I personally would be very particular about whom I choose to speak to about such things. Especially with past experiences. If you do find someone to talk to about things, make sure it is not superficial for them.

With regards to the job front, I don't know what your degree, or desired fields are, but get in touch with recruitment companies, phone them, walk in and talk to them, arrange an interview, and most importantly sell yourself to them. Wear an Office outfit, and tell them exactly why they are going to give you that job. You seem like an intelligent young woman, you will find a way to convince them, or if they don't have anything for you at the moment, tell them to keep you in mind should something come up.
Do your research, apply for every job under the sun, practice and experience with interviews will lead you towards a job. The research will show them you know what you are talking about and put some serious effort in. I don't know how many people actually bother to research jobs they apply for. Find the key skills, even ask them questions, about the job, show interest and enthusiasm.

Once you have a job, you can move out and away which would relieve some of the pressure of your parents and other daily influences in your life.

I am not particularly religious, but this life is yours. So go out and make it the best you possibly can. It always helps to have someone behind you, a parent, a close friend, a partner. We are not all as lucky as others. You can accomplish just as much on your own though, don't let anything hold you back. It is not God's responsibility to look out for you, to treat you differently than others. If you are religious, have faith that God will offer you opportunities through others or people you meet by happenstance.

posted July 22, 2014 06:48 AM            

Your issues sound like a prominent Dejanira, either con the Moon, ASC or some other prominent place.

Put in your vertex, as I feel something hard is conj that and that is what other people bring to you

I am really busy right now doing professional charts but I will be back to look and hopefully to help some

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posted July 22, 2014 10:11 AM            

As for people calling you ugly, they can go f*&k themselves. Seriously, I have no idea how people can be so cruel.

posted July 22, 2014 04:15 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by ariestaurus:
My goodness, I'm so sorry for all you've been through. You've been through A LOT! I agree that you must get the f*&k out of your parents' home. I never like speaking badly of other people's families, but the way your parents treat you (in the examples you have given) is just not right. This kind of treatment will completely destroy your self confidence and will only bring you down more.

As for people calling you ugly, they can go f*&k themselves. Seriously, I have no idea how people can be so cruel.

You seem to have been bullied your whole life. I think you need to start over in a new place with new people. Could you find a new job in a new place and leave all this ******** behind? Is this an option for you?

---

I second the motion of moving to a new place/city/state/country and just start over. It's nothing ugly or wrong in it! It's liberating and see it as a chance of exploring new and hidden sides within yourself I know from personal experience how hard it is to break paternal and maternal bonds but once you do you'll be able to breathe!

Save some money, borrow if you can, and just leave. You sound intelligent so I doubt finding a job will be hard.

posted July 22, 2014 06:04 PM            

I've been trying to look for a job abroad but it proves to be quite difficult as the market is difficult everywhere and employers tend to give priority to locals. I'll most likely turn to recruitment agencies.

I could potentially move somewhere and then look for a job but I would need for that and my parents no longer want to help me financially. I feel quite stuck as I've already borrowed a small amount for college which therefore will hinder any other loan application I might make.

I have zero funds and I'm stuck at my parents house at the moment. Plus, my dad is harassing me about my mom's affair telling me it's my fault because I "didn't tell him right away". This atmosphere is very toxic and I have zero idea where to go.

I've tried looking for jobs in my current city to save up and move away but I've been rejected from most jobs because I'm "over-qualified" or "underqualified" whatever those words mean to recruiters. God knows I've applied to any job but I'm still trapped.

I just have no clue what to do at this point. I know it's tough for most graduates but this toxic environment I have to live in adds to my frustration of not being able to move forward with my life.

I have no other relatives to turn to as my parents cut every single relative they have off and they're now living in their own toxic secluded bubble. I'm as depressed as it gets and the lack of future prospects is really taking a tool on my health.

Not to mention my parents keep giving me a hard time because I haven't found a job yet so I'm a "disappointment" (of course, they expect me to give them 30% of my future salary every month, which I believe is ridiculous).

I really really want to cut ties with them and never have to look back but without any financial stability in sight, every single day that passes by gets me more and more disheartened.

Not to mention my mother highjacked my graduate school admission, so I've also lost the opportunity to go to graduate school abroad for two years. That would have been a fresh start but of course, it didn't happen.

posted July 22, 2014 07:07 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by MineAgain:
Thank you all for your kind words <3 It really means a lot to me. Your advice really helps me a lot. I hate to complain and feel as though I'm ungrateful but I've reached a point of no-return.

I've been trying to look for a job abroad but it proves to be quite difficult as the market is difficult everywhere and employers tend to give priority to locals. I'll most likely turn to recruitment agencies.

I could potentially move somewhere and then look for a job but I would need for that and my parents no longer want to help me financially. I feel quite stuck as I've already borrowed a small amount for college which therefore will hinder any other loan application I might make.

I have zero funds and I'm stuck at my parents house at the moment. Plus, my dad is harassing me about my mom's affair telling me it's my fault because I "didn't tell him right away". This atmosphere is very toxic and I have zero idea where to go.

I've tried looking for jobs in my current city to save up and move away but I've been rejected from most jobs because I'm "over-qualified" or "underqualified" whatever those words mean to recruiters. God knows I've applied to any job but I'm still trapped.

I just have no clue what to do at this point. I know it's tough for most graduates but this toxic environment I have to live in adds to my frustration of not being able to move forward with my life.

I have no other relatives to turn to as my parents cut every single relative they have off and they're now living in their own toxic secluded bubble. I'm as depressed as it gets and the lack of future prospects is really taking a tool on my health.

Not to mention my parents keep giving me a hard time because I haven't found a job yet so I'm a "disappointment" (of course, they expect me to give them 30% of my future salary every month, which I believe is ridiculous).

I really really want to cut ties with them and never have to look back but without any financial stability in sight, every single day that passes by gets me more and more disheartened.

Not to mention my mother highjacked my graduate school admission, so I've also lost the opportunity to go to graduate school abroad for two years. That would have been a fresh start but of course, it didn't happen.

I'm just really out of luck or an idiot, really.

---

I really feel for you, you have been through so much and have had to deal with toxic people for so long. The best thing would be for you to secure a job, take out a loan to start (I know you said you really didn't want to do this, but staying at home seems to be very toxic for you), and independently finance your life.

Believe me, being fully independent without help from family members is very tough, but it is something you need to do to give yourself a clean slate.

Sorry to blunt: your dad is a ****** person for saying it is your fault your mom had an affair. That has nothing to do with you and 0% of it is your fault! That to me is just another example of abuse you are being put under.

I know the job market is tough, but don't give up looking! You never know when you are going to find something that will work out. Being over and underqualified is something a lot of people in their early 20's struggle with, so many of us can relate to your frustration.

Whats with the 30% of your salary deal? You are their daughter, not a client looking to borrow a loan. Can you explain the 'mom highjacking your graduate school admission?' It is never too late to go into grad school and this might actually be the best option for you to get out.

Let me make one thing clear: you are NOT an idiot nor are you out of luck. No one should be allowed to control your life the way your parents are. There is a way out of this even if it seems impossible.

The only thing I have seen hear that is 'disappointing' is the way your parents have treated you. There is a reason why none of your relatives are around. Can any of your relatives help out in some way?

posted July 23, 2014 12:26 PM            

Thank you very much for your help, it really means a lot.

Here is my natal chart with the vertex and the astroid Dejanira. Again, thank you very much.

posted July 23, 2014 01:55 PM            

However, your stellium is something that is hard.

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posted July 23, 2014 01:59 PM            

This closeness of planets makes it really hard to step back and assess what is happening to us.

We kind of get into a ball.

I find these combusts to be one of the hardest things in the chart.

Let me give an example. You have a classic sign for being bullied, which is NOT your fault, just part of the struggles of your particular earth suit but it is a very hard struggle and one of the hardest.

However, we add to that the struggle with realizing IF it is your fault or the other persons, which is the nature of the combust, then we have real pain.

Do you relate

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posted July 23, 2014 02:05 PM            

The Yod shows one's purpose in life.

If no one helps out, I will come back when I can, dear One

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posted July 23, 2014 02:15 PM            

Sun sextile Neptune is the base and Mars is the apex. I don't have time to explain it now but it shows you have a definite and unique purpose in your life, so hang onto that for now

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posted July 23, 2014 02:38 PM            

Chiron conjunct your Ascendant indicates someone who is too busy taking care of everyone else and neglects taking care of themselves. Chiron is (widely) conjunct your SN, so these tendencies are ingrained within you. This is the type of behaviour you need to move away from. This relates a lot to your childhood and parents, as Chiron rules your 4th house (yes, I believe Chiron is the true ruler of virgo!). Also, Saturn in opposition to your natal Chiron in Cancer points to a cold, unsupportive home/family life.

Here's a write up on Chiron conj SN:

"CHIRON CONJUNCT SOUTH NODE
As with the North Node conjunction, those who have Chiron conjunct South Node have difficult lessons to learn. Those who do not learn it tend to fall back upon their past. Problems they have today are ascribed to a strange or terrible childhood, and there is a reluctance to try working them out. When they are under stress, they tend to fall back on this excuse, or begin to act in an erratic manner, allowing Chiron’s Maverick nature to come out in its most negative expression. The lesson seems to be that they should move on from the past---not let it rule them. They learned a lot from it---but now, it is time to go forward. Those who do learn begin to share their unique insights with others. They have integrated Chiron and it is so much a part of their nature that they can draw upon it whenever another is in need of being helped. They aim their sights at the North Node and seem to attract people who can be helped by their Chiron."

Do you relate to this? The configuration in your chart indicates that your childhood and relationship with your parents definitely holds you back in regards to your relationships, as well.

I feel things will change for you once you find the right partner. Well, that would apply to anyone, but your 7th house North Node compounds this. It'll probably be around the time of your Saturn return when you find 'the One". Around the time of your Saturn return, Pluto and Jupiter will be around your Descendant, too.

posted July 23, 2014 02:43 PM            

You are not the opinions of others. I had an abusive childhood I know how hard it is to grow into yourself and try desperately to block out the negativity of others. People are cruel, usually it is a conflict within themselves that is projected onto you. I wish you great strength many of us go through this "dark night of the soul" and come out stronger and better than ever. Don't give up, I too would pray that I would not wake up in the morning because I did not know how to get away. When I look back I wonder why did I waste all that precious time blaming myself for nothing. I have let it go, sometimes it rears it's ugly head, but I am wiser now.

You have 4 planets in the 5th house all conjunct. I am going to guess that you are a very creative person. If you are not I feel you need to find creative outlets. Maybe write a book about your childhood to help you process it. With all that scorpio you have the ability to truly transform. Maybe photography would be a creative outlet for you?

In terms of beauty- I see many woman who have the body and face but don't know what to do with it or just the opposite woman who were not blessed with the best assets but are beautiful. Beauty is inside of you, if you believe it you become it. It's the way you walk, the sparkle in your eye, the charm that you exude. It is not narcissistic to believe in your beauty. Women are too critical of themselves there are all types of men out there. I' sure if you got involved in a fun activity just to meet people you may find yourself in the presence of a man who wants to be with you. Just remember, in order to love another you need to first love yourself. With your history that may be a challenge but a scorpio stellium like you is a phoenix. If there is anyone who can transform it will be you.

There are hater everywhere, unfortunately your Mom failed you as a mother. You need to come to terms with the mistreatment and let it go. Some women - (this is weird I know)- scapegoat in their daughters all the parts of themselves they don't like. Then hurt their daughters, they feel justified, they have projected the dark parts of themselves onto an innocent child and then punish that child for carrying that pain for them. It's not good for anyone. You carry hurts you don't deserve and Mom never takes responsibility for her garbage.

About your work, I think it would benefit you greatly to see a coach for interviews. Our body language is 80% of the conversation, maybe you need to just be aware of how you are being perceived.

You are a young lady of 23, there will be many men in your life don't stress out about the ones you are dating. There are men out there who only want an intelligent woman. I don't knowr you career path but if you check out Meet-up in something you like you will find like-minded men. Oh and if a man things he can't get into bed with you and that's why he doesn't date you anymore he's not worth your time. He probably has 3 other girls without any self-respect that are already having sex with him. It's best to just move on.

posted July 23, 2014 02:48 PM            

I missed that. Unaspected Moon. I have articles that may help you!

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posted July 23, 2014 02:53 PM            

The 12th House makes for a sense that one cannot express one's emotions.

My Friend, your issues are the stresses of your chart and not your fault.

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posted July 23, 2014 04:04 PM            

It is very true that I tend to isolate myself to cry and I never show my emotions in public. It's mainly because I have difficulties dealing with emotions whether good or bad. A lot of people think I'm "too nice" but a little bit "cold" which seems like such a paradox but it's very true. Display of emotions makes me uncomfortable, awkward.

This "need" to take care of others first is true. A lot of people tell me I'm very "nurturing". I've dealt with rejection all my life, so I always find myself chasing after people, trying to make them like me by literally doing whatever they want me to do. Multiples times I realized I was actually becoming a doormat.

Asserting myself is indeed my major problem in life. I'm just clueless.

The last man I dated kept criticizing my every move and it was only I talked about his behavior online that people made me realize he was verbally abusive. I couldn't even recognize verbal abuse myself because I'm so accustomed to it, so to me it seemed "normal" to be spoken to that way. Strangely enough, I've always attracted men who turn out to put me down in some way, usually intellectually.

My confidence is close to zero when I'm in a social setting. I've tried making friends so many times after school but it's been really hard as I tend to isolate myself a lot. I'm not comfortable in social gatherings because I'm very self-conscious.

I am indeed a very creative person and my creativity has always been my outlet. When I was a kid, I would always write stories about how my life would be as an adult ... well ... I'm still at home with my parents so I guess those stories are now a major desillusion.

In terms of career, I have three degrees but I have zero idea what to do with those. I keep applying to jobs but I don't have a specific career track I'd like to follow. My ideal goal would be to work in a creative field (entertainment, writing, music) but we all know that doesn't pay the bills! Hence, I find myself applying to corporate jobs but I'm far too sensitive for these jobs, I know it. I'm a very secluded and calm person, hence working in a field where I'd be in constant contact with a lot of (harsh) people will prove to be quite difficult. That said, I can be quite outgoing at times, it really depends on the setting.

I'm ambitious and have a lot of different perspectives but I don't know how to implement them.

What hurts me the most is that I see all of my former friends and flings have fun, go out , be in actual relationships and I'm here on my own. When I was a child, I was hoping for a better life at 23 and well, I'm not even close! It's one step forward and two steps back.

I don't want to victimize myself in any way but the feeling of having no one to turn to, no one who truly cares for you, no one who wants to make your life better ... it's just heartbreaking for me.

I'm really trying to make efforts. I love psychology so I read a lot of self-help books but putting those guidelines in pratice proves to be quite difficult when you're stuck at home all day.

Sometimes I wonder what's the purpose of my life really. No one sees me for who I am because they don't bother to. All I want is to be appreciated for once in my life and I've even failed at that.

I don't want you guys to think I'm throwing myself some sort of self-pity party, it's not the case. My mental exhaustion and social isolation are just causing me to complain a lot more than usual.

posted July 23, 2014 05:01 PM            

You can look into a nearby hospital- most people are very very nice to the people in charity positions. I do understand the cut throat nature of hospital, being in a off shoot would allow you to observe the behaviors so you would know how to act in that culture. It can be done. I am a very sensitive 12th houser and I have been working in hospital since 17 (26 years). I feel like I have a PHD in personalities and am able to smooze through the system quite nicely. It wasn't always that way, but we learn and grow.

Once you have established yourself as a good worker you will find doors opening.

posted July 23, 2014 07:01 PM            

You may do something very profound in groups or for people in far away lands. You will use your natural charm, of which you have a GREAT deal and your imagination and spirituality for goals that are important to you and to others. This is one of your life purposes. A Yod is rare making you very special.

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posted July 24, 2014 07:32 AM            

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posted July 24, 2014 08:07 AM            

Your chart looks difficult, and your life sounds extremely hard. I used the birth info you posted to try and get an idea of your progressed chart...right now, your progressed Mars is opposing your pr Sun...while transiting Neptune is trine your sun, but squaring your pr sun. I would guess that feels confusing, like the tension between allowing yourself to dream (sun trine Neptune) and yet feeling discouraged and hopeless (pr sun square Neptune.)

Everything changes and you never know, you might have a dramatic windfall of good fortune. You have Mars exactly sextile Jupiter...so do I...it brings good luck, sometimes when it's least expected...but you can count on it.

Best wishes ~ for what it's worth, I like LuckyStar's advice, to do volunteer work.

posted July 24, 2014 08:15 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
How are you doing today

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Hi Ami Anne

First of all, thank you very much for your help. I'm very grateful for it! I really don't know how to thank you. It definitely helped me gain clarity and gave me that I might someday see the light at the end of the tunnel at some point.

I actually spent all night looking for articles regarding this "unaspected moon" and "yods". It was really interesting and for once in a quite some time, I was able to get my mind off things.

Of course, I'm still a little disheartened but maybe I truly have a special life purpose. I've always felt a drive to "change things" and contribute in some way (as most people). At least the tought of it gives me hope. I don't know what this life purpose is especially as I'm slightly disoriented regarding my career but I hope to understand its meaning somewhere along the line.

posted July 24, 2014 08:34 AM            

Love you

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