posted August 27, 2014 08:31 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by PixieJane:
Can you go on a vacation? Or at least make time to get away (like to the beach or a lake, preferably without being surrounded by people) for awhile? That can help some people feel better and not be annoyed so easily.

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posted August 27, 2014 10:26 PM            

Hints and such(which I view as being passive for some situations) can lead to resentment or an out burst. Not the healthiest things for relationships.(intimate, friends, family) Can lead to hurting the other person, and then feeling like an a hole for not "understanding" that person.

From some of my experiences if you don't ask that person and then later bring up that they are not doing something, you usually end up being the jerk/one with issues, and then that person is the victim. But if you ask someone to do something, and they say they will do it and then don't then they are the turd. Or if they say "no" then you may know that you can't expect whatever from them, and can choose to be around them less or take them less seriously.

Work can be a little bit more tricky. Since you always have to be professional, okay, in a good mood in general. I went from loving my job to hating my job over a span of time. People tell me I hate my job and I won't even admit it. I've just become so resentful of some of the people there over time. They aren't exactly bad people either.

I can be passive, but it really bugs me when someone ends up saying "you never do this" and inside I'm like "WTF, you never asked me to do this or do that more!" It's just feels so unfair for someone to call me a jerk for not reading their mind, or not knowing something I didn't do enough of bothered them so much. Their attempt to call me a do*che pretty makes me respond with "no you're a do*che"

posted August 27, 2014 11:25 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by hannaramaa:
Thanks Stawr! I meant passive-aggressive. For example, a guy didn't text me back right away so I acted like I was going to throw away his stuff... I wasn't really going to, but never the less he got enraged. Sag people apparently hate passive-aggressiveness which I find ironically funny. But that's beside the point. Passive-aggressiveness is misdirected anger or annoyance and I need to learn how to communicate it better otherwise no one will want to be around me.

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posted August 27, 2014 11:56 PM            

So yeah I've been though some weird borderline lifetime movie **** with guys.
That was the relationship that made me say never again. After going though that I was like I need to be with a guy that gets the tab most of the time or at least into equal pay.

I began dating some guys occasionally I remembered being passive on one date. Passive can sometimes be described as being like "yeah that's fine" but on the inside being like "God damn you!" right?
One dude asked me on a date and said he would pay...the catch? He wanted to split fried cucumbers. I drove out to his town. (not far but not close) and I was starving.

But yeah after going though that crap I ended up saying to a guy I dated "I'm fine going to lunch if we can go dutch" and since he was mentally stable he would say "sure"

I even told a guy I am not going to pay on a date that he asked me out on, and guess what...he lost interest stood me up and married his lady friend that gave him a cell phone and would take him to Starbucks. haha And I guess they are happy.

So when my boyfriend can't tell me that I need to get the tab more, it really hurts me and is very insulting that he thinks that I won't understand. It's like he thinks I will not be mature about it, and I know a thing or two about that. We had blow out about it, so now he knows that resenting me for something he never addressed to me is not the answer.

posted August 28, 2014 12:32 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by hannaramaa:
Thanks Stawr! I meant passive-aggressive. For example, a guy didn't text me back right away so I acted like I was going to throw away his stuff... I wasn't really going to, but never the less he got enraged. Sag people apparently hate passive-aggressiveness which I find ironically funny. But that's beside the point. Passive-aggressiveness is misdirected anger or annoyance and I need to learn how to communicate it better otherwise no one will want to be around me.

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aw yeah stuff like that I can relate. I think I'm PMSing cause my guy told me he is going to do something on Saturday. And we pretty much always spend Saturdays together. I kinda want to be like well when the heck are we hanging out then? Do you EVEN CARE!? I've just been in an egotistical aggressive mind set all day. I even notice that the stuff that is making me boil is ridiculous. I even had stuff flash in my mind like I'm not gonna do this for his birthday now!! And start thinking about all the times he hurt my feelings. Luckily I did not text expressing any concern of this. Cause something tells me that would make me look crazy. Plus I'd like to wait for him to say something. That's the thing with me, I always want a personal invitation, I hate to feel like I'm inviting myself.

But a good thing to remember when a guy doesn't text back fast enough is how would you feel if a guy told you don't text back fast enough?
If it's bothering you try to think maybe his mom called him, his phone is on silent and didn't feel buzz in pocket, fell asleep, etc.

Cause if ya flip out and they text back like "my grandma came over" You will feel like an ass. Whether there excuse is good or not, no one ever comes out looking good with a "you're! ignoring me, wtf texts"

posted August 28, 2014 12:44 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by BellaFenice:
Do you have an outlet to deal with your anger or frustration? This could at least help you to channel your immediate reactions instead of holding it in and letting it slip out passive-aggressively.

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At the time I get angry, eh, sometimes. I have a blog but I guess what I'm wanting to get better at is addressing problems or conflict resolution. Because even if I have an outlet it still doesn't help give me the courage necessary to approach the person and say "you did this and this, and it sucks."

posted August 28, 2014 10:53 AM            

Now if people wander off, not returning email or phone calls, I simply wait to see if they come back. Usually they do, and that's great, but if not, I'll survive. It's not about the chase anymore or me testing out my methods of manipulating people.

By learning how NOT to react when I feel pangs of rejection, and let the momentum of the relationship run a more natural course, I feel more self-reliant and just plain happier.

posted August 28, 2014 01:25 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by hannaramaa:

Any advice? How do "normal" people handle conflict...

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I believe my girl Miley had it right.

Like a wrecking ball, I never hit so hard in my life.

In all seriousness though, I'm not afraid to open my mouth and say what needs to be said, or what everyone else is thinking. I'm generally easy going, but I don't deal with passive aggressive.

Get it out, get it done.

Don't want to? Then drop it.

There is no such thing as normal, everyone handles things differently.

posted August 28, 2014 03:20 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:

By learning how NOT to react when I feel pangs of rejection, and let the momentum of the relationship run a more natural course, I feel more self-reliant and just plain happier.

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This is really hard to do when I am PMSing. I always get upset when he ignores me around this time. Not that he does it a lot. But I find it super insulting to my intelligence that he thinks I wont notice what he's doing, and it's immature it makes me feel like I'm with an 18-21 yr old.

At the moment, I need to cool off and I'm ignoring him back. Until I can text back with out calling him out or being passive aggressive. If I want to talk about him upsetting my feelings I don't want to do it though text. It will just make me look like an ass hat drama queen. I did make an ass hat of myself months ago for calling him out on it through text. I find it better to have these talks in person. I either wait for things to get better or talk to him in person about whatever.
But then I'm coming from a long term relationship.

posted September 05, 2014 01:25 PM            

I've just read the OP not the rest of the thread. But just from that it doesn't sound passive-aggressive. Sounds more like you're uncomfortable being put on the spot?

I would think more along the lines of, how in touch are you with things you're passionate about? If you're in touch with something that bothers you/or the reasons behind the actions or choices you make/things you say, there shouldn't be an issue discussing the problem with whomever is bringing it up. So I'm thinking maybe either you're somewhat disconnected from your passionate side, or you just need more time than other people to start handling a concern.

Can you say something like, let me sleep on that and ill get back to you tomorrow, after you've heard them out? Something that acknowledges the other persons concern but also gives you time to check in with yourself might be helpful.

posted September 05, 2014 02:14 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Lonake:
Is there maybe an issue in knowing exactly where you stand on the matter?

I've just read the OP not the rest of the thread. But just from that it doesn't sound passive-aggressive. Sounds more like you're uncomfortable being put on the spot?

I would think more along the lines of, how in touch are you with things you're passionate about? If you're in touch with something that bothers you/or the reasons behind the actions or choices you make/things you say, there shouldn't be an issue discussing the problem with whomever is bringing it up. So I'm thinking maybe either you're somewhat disconnected from your passionate side, or you just need more time than other people to start handling a concern.

Can you say something like, let me sleep on that and ill get back to you tomorrow, after you've heard them out? Something that acknowledges the other persons concern but also gives you time to check in with yourself might be helpful.

As I write this I'm thinking of a 12th house mars person I know.

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posted September 05, 2014 03:20 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by hannaramaa:
Because even if I have an outlet it still doesn't help give me the courage necessary to approach the person and say "you did this and this, and it sucks."

When I do think of doing that I get doubtful and anxious like what if I end being wrong and then I can't ever get mad again, or what if I'm killing a fly with a hatchet? Or wondering if they'll talk about me behind my back, etc.

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Because you've identified triggers and know why they're a source of aggravation for you, after this you've already done half the work. All that's left is cluing in the other person on what is being triggered within you in some way and having that talk.

And it's probably better in a lot of situations to not approach someone like a mad hornet. That could put someone off, in the way that you fear. If its something that really and truly upsets you its fine to take a serious tone and approach the matter with gravity, but yelling etc is in most cases usually unproductive unless there's an attack, or there's a lot of passion between you and things quickly heat up.

I would save the heavier tones, or the yelling in the much rarer cases, for the bigger problems. Otherwise it looks as if everything is a big problem and it makes it more difficult for other people to differentiate what youre truly upset and bothered by and whats just a passing annoyance that can quickly be worked out. The people that care won't bolt if you're seriously bothered by something; they'll want to work things out.

A mild upset maybe a lighter tone, everything depends on the situation. A lot of people respond really well to just casually bringing up the matter in a respectful way, being considerate also of what theyre going through, trying to acknowledge their pov, this is going to be the case probably 70% of confrontations. Maybe 80. No one wants to be pushed aside and made to feel like what they're going through doesn't matter. The vast majority of confrontations are super simple, if you approach them confidently knowing what your goal is for the outcome. If you approach haphazardly then it has the potential to create even more problems, so being confident of your goal really helps.

I think it's better to address something right when you see that it's going to be a problem, before it potentially explodes into something unsalvageable. Depending on if its even worth it to you to stick around.

posted September 25, 2014 07:18 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Lonake:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by hannaramaa:
[b]Because even if I have an outlet it still doesn't help give me the courage necessary to approach the person and say "you did this and this, and it sucks."

When I do think of doing that I get doubtful and anxious like what if I end being wrong and then I can't ever get mad again, or what if I'm killing a fly with a hatchet? Or wondering if they'll talk about me behind my back, etc.

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Because you've identified triggers and know why they're a source of aggravation for you, after this you've already done half the work. All that's left is cluing in the other person on what is being triggered within you in some way and having that talk.

And it's probably better in a lot of situations to not approach someone like a mad hornet. That could put someone off, in the way that you fear. If its something that really and truly upsets you its fine to take a serious tone and approach the matter with gravity, but yelling etc is in most cases usually unproductive unless there's an attack, or there's a lot of passion between you and things quickly heat up.

I would save the heavier tones, or the yelling in the much rarer cases, for the bigger problems. Otherwise it looks as if everything is a big problem and it makes it more difficult for other people to differentiate what youre truly upset and bothered by and whats just a passing annoyance that can quickly be worked out. The people that care won't bolt if you're seriously bothered by something; they'll want to work things out.

A mild upset maybe a lighter tone, everything depends on the situation. A lot of people respond really well to just casually bringing up the matter in a respectful way, being considerate also of what theyre going through, trying to acknowledge their pov, this is going to be the case probably 70% of confrontations. Maybe 80. No one wants to be pushed aside and made to feel like what they're going through doesn't matter. The vast majority of confrontations are super simple, if you approach them confidently knowing what your goal is for the outcome. If you approach haphazardly then it has the potential to create even more problems, so being confident of your goal really helps.

I think it's better to address something right when you see that it's going to be a problem, before it potentially explodes into something unsalvageable. Depending on if its even worth it to you to stick around.

And if you don't like being put on the spot, it's ok to say " I feel like I'm being put on the spot right now, I need some time to think about this." Of course someone who wanted to hash it out quickly might take offense at that, but I believe we have to stand true to what works in the moment. Ideally the other person would be respectful enough to give you some space to consider the matter in your own time. [/B][/QUOTE]