posted February 07, 2015 01:43 PM            

A few weeks ago, I was meeting with a carseat safety technician at my local police department. The female technician greeted me by asking, “When are you due?” I immediately recoiled and exclaimed, “I’m not pregnant. You, however, are very rude.” The rest of the appointment was curt and I fumed on the drive home.

Yes, the question was unquestionably a blow to my ego, but the issue cuts deeper. In our society, creating and raising a human being has somehow become a community event for which people — usually strangers— have become comfortable asking the most personal of questions. From pregnancy (natural or assisted?) to childbirth (epidural or med-free?) to parenting (attachment or free range?) there’s no shortage of inquiries from people and armies of mom bloggers eager to weigh in.

“Being a mother opens women up to other people’s projections,” Los Angeles based psychotherapist Bethany Marshall, PhD., tells Yahoo Parenting. “The sight of a pregnant woman can evoke memories of one’s mother or how one parented her own child and in turn create a false sense of comfort or familiarity.”

Usually pregnancy-related questions are well-intentioned and rooted in curiosity (let’s face it, pregnancy is fascinating). And within the confines of a close relationship, these questions are perfectly reasonable. But whether or not one is expecting, the “When you are due?” question is problematic. That’s especially true for women who still carry weight from stillborn births, suffer from eating disorders, hope their first-trimester baby bumps don’t show, or those who simply struggle with their weight. Asking “When are you due?” can feel invasive to downright upsetting.

The question also puts unfair pressure on the recipient, who may not want to share such personal information, but hesitates to offend the asker. Blame mommy guilt, which can rear its head, even during pregnancy. “Mothers and moms-to-be are often viewed through a saintly ‘Mother Earth’ lens,” says Marshall. “There’s this image of the ‘good mom’ who meets everyone’s needs and doesn’t say no to outside demands.”

A good rule of thumb might be: Unless you’re sitting in an OBGYN’s office (and you also happen to be a doctor), don’t ask a women when she is due. The same idea applies to any comments — positive or negative — about a woman’s appearance. This morning, while ordering my usual cup of coffee, a barista looked me up and down and wrinkled her nose. “You’re getting thinner by the day!” she exclaimed. I walked away feeling as though I should be flattered but really, I just felt self-conscious.

posted February 07, 2015 11:51 PM            

I never minded anyone asking me that, either.

One problem I did have was after I gave birth the first time and I was still completely in shock about how painful it had been. I gave birth totally naturally. My whole universe was upside down for a while.

So one day I was talking to a pregnant woman in the grocery store, and she said that she was going to be having the baby, her first, at a birth center (meaning, no painkillers) and I almost started crying, I felt so bad for what she had gotten herself into.

"It's---- it's----- reallllllly painful!!!"

She looked very miffed when I said that.

"Sorry, but you look so happy about it! Like you really aren't prepared! It's worse than you can possibly imagine...seriously!"

posted February 08, 2015 12:22 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
"It's worse than you can possibly imagine...seriously!"

Yeah I stopped making those kind of comments.

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LOL!!! Your intentions were good.

posted February 08, 2015 06:09 PM            

Pregnant women face other problems and discriminations that are far more serious, in my opinion. Invasive testing and government mandates have gotten worse and worse.

Immediately after I gave birth to my youngest, the nurse wheeled in a TV and wanted to show me a graphic video about what happens to babies with shaken baby syndrome.

I just gave birth. I had been up all night, was totally emotionally and physically exhausted, really on the breaking point, and my son was really cranky, so I was focused on him and worried about him. There is no way I could handle watching a tragedy...I was barely holding together, myself.

But the state legislature decided, women need to see shaken babies, pay attention to this horror, in this vulnerable state, right after giving birth. They decide a new mother's focus. It was the worst imposition of government I ever encountered.

posted February 08, 2015 08:33 PM            

You know, vids like that might be good in sex ed class in school...it certainly wouldn't be out of place with other vids they show and would be more likely to make a difference than those other vids that seemed more to terrify us than inform us.

I'd be curious about the rationale, for example if it was a common problem with shakers saying they "didn't know" (which I have a hard time believing, I think it's more accurate to say "I didn't care at the time, I just reacted" which means a video wouldn't have helped). Though it wouldn't surprise me if it was some sweetheart deal, a law that mandated the videos be purchased and spread with the producers then kicking back money to the politicians (assuming they hadn't already paid lobbying fees).