posted February 18, 2015 12:19 PM            

Your SO is from another country where culture and tradition is HUGE, which you have no problems with whatsoever if it wasn't for the fact that he has said that he will to 99% only speak his language with the child. You don't speak this language but could learn although it would take you 2-3 years to fully grasp.

Your SO has a child from a previous marriage and he only speaks his language to her and you struggle somewhat with it since it makes you feel like a 3rd, and 5th, wheel at times. You have brought issue up but everytime it's been like talking to a brickwall.

You are now thinking that having this child will propose more challenges than you can muster.

posted February 18, 2015 02:18 PM              

So, I want to ensure that my partner and I had the same values when it came to starting a family.
Even though time would be a concern for me, not being on the same page with my partner (and then having his kid) would terrify me so much more than having not having a child. Bearing in mind that having children is a life long commitment.

With that said, I wish my parents spoke their native language to me more often when I was growing up, and it is a shame that they didn't. I understand it a little bit, but not as much as I should do. I think that telling him not to speak his language to our child would be a no no.

However, my partner should respect the fact that I may not be from the same race/culture and should take the time to bring me into conversations where his language is spoken so I understand it more. Even more so when our child is concerned (if we decide to go forward).

I think the key for me would be, can my partner and I really come to a balance in regards to raising children together. If we can, the language thing is workable. If not, I would have serious hesitations.

He would need to need make the effort to teach me before I got pregnant though, at least to show a degree of committment to our agreement before the baby was conceived.

posted February 18, 2015 10:40 PM            

In this place will everyone be like him and not care about your differences and lack the empathy to make you feel valued and important despite your differences?

posted February 18, 2015 11:49 PM            

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Originally posted by Gabby:
I'm assuming you will be expected to move to the country where he's from and assimilate into the culture that is so hugely important that he stops being compassionate to you, your needs and your culture?

In this place will everyone be like him and not care about your differences and lack the empathy to make you feel valued and important despite your differences?

That being said...I'd probably try to do as he asks but then eventually get overwhelmed and feel to hurt to continue in the relationship.
He needs to compromise or he will burn you out, you cannot be the only one compromising.

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posted February 19, 2015 10:38 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by charlie:
we live in same country and we speak that country's language.

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posted February 19, 2015 11:34 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Gabby:
Would you have to move to a place that speaks a different language than you speak?
From your original post that's what it sounds like...if that's the case then my original response is what I meant minus the "different countries" part.

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posted February 19, 2015 03:40 PM            

I have a friend who is German, her husband's American, her young daughter is bilingual.

My friend talks to her daughter in English when other English speakers are around, and it's German at home. Occasionally you might here them speaking German in a private conversation, away from other people. But my friend makes an effort to be inclusive, and she has always impressed upon her daughter the fact that, in social situations, in our part of the country, you speak English.

I mean, it was important for this girl to learn English, too...so it's good that her mother speaks it to her.

If parents can be a positive role model of bilingual or multilingual speech, why not do that? Why not demonstrate, "Here in public we speak the national language" and "Here at home we speak this other language."

posted February 19, 2015 07:39 PM            

In this case, if it were me, I would feel like my man was running roughshod over my feelings. I might gain a bilingual child if I went through with this plan, but I would also trap myself in a situation with someone who gave me fair warning that he wouldn't cooperate with me to find solutions that felt right to both of us.

I'm a Cap sun and have made the mistake before, of not prioritizing my emotional needs high enough. After all, "I'm tough, I can handle it."

posted February 19, 2015 10:09 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by charlie:
We currently live in same country, as his daughter, but despite that, he wants to speak HIS language which is not native to the country we reside in.

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posted February 20, 2015 07:28 AM            

It really isn't about the language or the child but about the suitability of partnership/marriage in the first place.

quote:

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Your SO has a child from a previous marriage and he only speaks his language to her and you struggle somewhat with it since it makes you feel like a 3rd, and 5th, wheel at times. You have brought issue up but everytime it's been like talking to a brickwall.

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posted February 20, 2015 08:03 AM            

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Originally posted by Vajra:
I don't know if English / German is a good example because bilingual parenting is much easier if the two languages in question are very similar (which German in English are) than when they are from entirely different language groups (as was the case in my family, and also in Charlie's if I remember correctly from her other posts). In such a case of widely different languages, children don't necessarily "pick them up" as easily and also tend forget them more quickly. Growing up German-English, English-Swedish etc. is not the same issue at all as, say, German-Hungarian or English-Japanese.

Going not by anecdotal evidence, but from research on large amounts of cases, it seems that if children speak to the one native speaker among the parents variously in his native language and in the local language, in practice this often results in a degrading frequency of the child's actually using the native language, loss of vocabulary etc. Just citing from memory as I have no time right now to look for english-language papers on it but there was a huge research project on this topic done in Germany a few years ago. One result that was very clear is that if the child is used from day one to always use only this single language with the parent who's a native speaker, this is what resulted in the best success in terms of acquiring a native-level or near-native level fluency. As a consequence, bilingual parents were advised to adhere to that rule as much as possible and disregard other people's criticism (which is always in plentiful supply).

Of course one should not unnecessarily antagonize other family members and should take care to explain to them what's going on. But it should still be ok for two people (in that case, the father and the child) to speak in the father's native language among themselves without other people taking it personally if they don't understand every word of it - if they know why it's being done, it's entirely up to them whether they want to feel slighted by it or not. In practice, this sort of thing is what often results in children not picking up the other language as well as they potentially could, or not at all. I don't see why an adult should not be able to understand that the potential damage done to the child in such a case could be seen as much more grave than the perceived slight the adult might experience - especially if there's the option for the adult of learning that language at least a little to know what's being talked about (which in most cases is probably not nearly as interesting as one might think). Today, I positively resent the fact that my mom caved in back then to family pressure (although I wasn't even the child most affected by it, as I was old enough to have picked up the language well enough); I think she really kinda screwed up there, and she thinks so too now and has even apologized for it… So I wanted to put that perspective up there for Charlie to consider.

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I can understand where you are coming from BUT, as someone who cares if all involved feel....well, involved, and not out in the dark, why should three people that speak same language (Swedish) not speak Swedish when around eachother? Why should one Swedish person sit in silence for hours when the other two Swedish speaking humans speak Arabic while having no intentions of including third person? Now, I have for intention to learn Arabic and I would never forbid my SO NOT to speak his native language with our future child, in fact, I want him to do it as that child will be tri-lingual in no time at all. I just think it's borderline rude to exclude one human in circumstances where that human can't participate in daily communication.

I don't care if they speak Arabic while alone or if it's just small words here and there but I care when it happens over a span of hours, or at restaurants or shops, despite me saying I don't understand what they are talking about.