posted March 26, 2015 11:35 PM            

Anyway, I found out he had recently begun cheating on me. I found out who the other girl was and I confronted her on March 8th. He lost both her and I that day. It was devastating for both of us because I saw she too had deep feelings for him.
I've tried talking about this to my friends but I feel like they don't understand. I'm always the strong one.. The person that is offering help instead of needing it, but I can't stop thinking of him. I feel broken. I know I made the right decision since our relationship wasn't ideal. It was good in the beginning but somewhere it went wrong.

posted March 27, 2015 12:09 AM            

I've only had one relationship end badly (the others just more played themselves out and we mutually recognized that so that it wasn't too bad). The best thing I and others I've been close to do is find another endeavor (outside of dating) to involved ourselves in, to explore another facet of ourselves or pursue one our other interests. Ironically (for those who consider finding "the one" to be the primary goal of their life) doing so makes one a lot more interesting and thus intriguing and attractive to others though that shouldn't be thought about too much (and it misses the point to do so, the point being there's so much to life and yourself worth living for outside that pain and loss, with so much more to gain). Think of the extra time for yourself as a plus rather than a negative.

Try something new, or work to advance one of your skills (the creative arts can be good for this though in my own personal experience I messed up a writing piece and in retrospect I wished I'd did the work on it and then set it aside to polish when I wasn't in so much pain, it would've been so much better). While expressing your pain and grief can be good through such means try focusing on other things as well, such as on a sunny beach or maybe a tribute (or portrait) to a beloved grandmother (preferably something that didn't connect to strongly to the one you lost).

What I've heard is that when a relationship is close and then destroyed it takes about half the time to get over it. That is if you were together for 6 months then the next 3 months will have a lot of pain, 6 years then it's 3 years. Of course that's just a rule of thumb at best, some shake it off fast and even find it a relief that it's over so that they're almost giddy from the breakup while others stew in bitterness for the rest of their lives (luckily at age 19 I don't think you have to worry about the latter happening).

In the meantime, rearrange things now that you no longer have to think about him (your bathroom and bedroom is all yours now, for example, unless you still live with your parents or roomies of course in which case make what changes you can). If you're like me then you'll probably find you have more money (even if he paid for a lot you still don't have to pay so much to go on dates or dress up, for example).

posted March 27, 2015 02:33 AM            

I guess meeting my first adult love - made me realise all of the things that my teen love was -not- and all of the expectations I had that he would never be able to live up to.
And I also realised that it was ok to have desires and expectations - and that there are people out there who will fulfil them, if they are truly the right person for you.

But it took me a while to get over my teen love. There were almost 3 years after our final breakup when I honestly thought we should have been together forever... and it was inexplicable to me how we ended up apart. I was actually in shock. I didn't even feel sad or allowed myself to cry, because I was completely stumped by what had happened.

My friends and family were concerned about how zombified I was acting. I remember my step-dad was genuinely worried and he suggested that we burn all of my ex' stuff.. like pictures and presents and stuff I had with him or from him..
and while I was scared to do it ^ I did agree to it.. and honestly - I felt SO MUCH better after I burnt everything.. I can't even describe how much better I felt.

I still wasn't completely over him after this... but I was able to move on gradually and the breakup didn't feel like an open wound anymore. I only felt -completely- over him.. when I realised how wrong we were for each other and how much better love can feel (when I met the guy I mentioned earlier).

My advice would be that you get rid of absolutely anything and everything that reminds you of him (including mutual friends) - and leave all social media for at least a few months, or even a year.
And after having wiped out his presence in your life... get involved in something you love, as Pixie was saying.. try a new sport or do something different you've always wanted to try.

posted March 27, 2015 10:55 AM            

The saying is right time heals

posted March 27, 2015 11:23 AM            

As mentioned before "time heals" and as much as you don't believe that right now, it's true. It may take a few weeks or months but the pain will subside. You will regain your strength and independence as time goes on and re-learn your routine without him in it.

Also, DO NOT try to be friends with him. At all. It never works. Don't look at him, talk to him, or even attempt to stalk him on any social media. It will only prolong the pain and recovery. You may never see or speak to him again in your life and you need to become ok with that.

After my boyfriend of 5 years and I broke up, we completely cut off contact. Zip, nadda. I saw him by chance on the street 6 months later and we locked eyes for a moment, but then continued on. I had that uncomfortable "stomach drop" feeling for that brief moment, but I'm sure if I saw him again now (years later mind you) I wouldn't even flinch. He was my first BIG love that went horribly, horribly wrong.

You are still young and believe me, life is LONG, and you have so many amazing experiences to come. You WILL move past this, I promise you.

posted March 29, 2015 06:31 AM            

Others have already posted advices I wanted to say, which leaves me to talk about my experience. Well, first I made the mistake of bottling it all up but that made me prolong the moving on process. I was too ashamed to tell my friends about it, but when I did I was relieved to let it all out. I even cried in front of them, which is something I never do because I thought showing people weakness will make them think I'm weak and would burden them with the "atmosphere" I'm spreading.. But I learned that it was okay to show my friends my vulnerable side, because that's what friends are for. To be there for each other. After that I deleted my facebook and deleted his number.

I barely see him, which made it easier to move on. But passing by his house every time I drive out of the neighborhood was kind of hard, but I got over it eventually. Him having a girlfriend after we broke up also gave me another reason to move on. I also found out that he was cheating on me too with her from his girlfriend, who I don't understand is still with him because if he cheated on me with her, he also cheated on her with me, right? They've been on and off for years like you were. They are actually around your age too, which makes me have a hunch their relationship might end like yours unless their mindset doesn't change. Their cognitive development is slow because of all the drinking and smoking they do since 13, which must be why they still haven't matured yet. She told me all the bad things he did while he was in a relationship with her. And she asked me what he said about her while we were together so I told her what he said which weren't good things at all. Then she got mad and started defending him and making excuses for him by saying that he's still learning. That gave me red flags because once someone starts to make excuses for another person's repeated actions for a long time, most likely there's no way to help them. And I didn't want to be with someone who does that.

I recently stumbled upon a thread in lindaland about narcissistic sociopaths and some of the traits fit my ex, so I was sure enough that I wouldn't go back to him. Staying busy with college and work helped him stay out of my mind too. I thought it would take me longer to get over it, but surprisingly I moved on really fast because of all the work I had to do in such little time. It literally felt like 3 months passed, but really only 2 weeks passed. Just the beginning of February this year I was thinking about him so much because he stared at me one day and it drove me nuts because I didn't know what the hell he was thinking. Now I'm just like, eh. I feel much more at ease now, and it was probably because of the thread I read that gave me the closure I really needed. I think it must have taken me 2 or 3 years of the emotional roller coaster ride, but I find myself thinking and feeling less and less of it. Looking back to that now I feel really good how far I've gotten. I've gained a lot from the breakup. I still wonder about him sometimes. Not romantically. I always thought we were better as friends because we got along better that way but after reading the thread I was talking about, I get second thoughts.

posted March 29, 2015 07:54 AM            

What I do is I create a list of the bad points of the relationship. I know it sounds negative but it helped me realise the relationship was not working and it was right to end.

I never will forget anyone i have ever loved, I dont love them anymore, but I think if someone is meant for me we will be together, even if at the time of heartbreak it is hard to believe.

For now, do things you like doing, go out and enjoy yourself to take your mind of it.

posted March 29, 2015 08:48 AM            

Some people cannot cut off all contact if they had kids together. But it sounds like we are all lucky in that sense.

The number theory is interesting. I was with him almost 3 years. So it would take me about a year and 4 months to get "over it" according to that.

So true about feeling better and better the more you cut them out.

The ****** thing is, he lives in the next town over. A lot of his dad's side lives in my town, and have some mutual friends and acquaintances. I have no need to hang with the mutual friends at this point. But my cousin is best friends with a mutual friend. I'm not gonna tell my cousin to stop being friends with him. That's not fair. Plus the guy's brother is more friends with the ex than him.

So it's hard to explore the possibility of never seeing him again.
I can't help but wonder...my ex is in a new relationship. He got into the relationship a month and a week after dumping me. So people are skeptical of this new relationship lasting. He could hypothetically crawl back to me. I'm really starting to question his maturity. He saw one of his exes shortly after our breakup. So it is in his character to seek out an ex after a break up. He told me some messed up stories about her. So I'm thinking "really, you are gonna seek out someone who did x,y,and z to you? Did you make that stuff up? Or are you just that pathetic?"
I am not like him, in that sense. I try to mentally prepare for running into him, and the possibility of running into him with his new girl. Or him "reaching out." But you don't really know how you will act until it hypothetically happens. Especially since I am going through a Saturn square Venus transit. Cause we all know that those transit can be painful, and what a way to bring pain into my life. But honestly the more I hear about him being a jerk, the more I want to move on and get over it.

Also I remind myself of all the times I've been hurt in the relationship. It eventually makes me see this situation not as a loss. But as being born again after dying, and cut loose from pain and being a free bird.

Totally feeling phoenix themes with this break up.

posted March 29, 2015 09:46 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by MarsSaturnDelight:
Seriously, time is your best friend right now, it works wonders. Just ride it out and look after yourself.

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posted April 02, 2015 03:20 PM            

I love having a hard cider at the end of the day, and listening to good music.

posted April 13, 2015 04:58 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by DeepFreeze:
Same way I get over most.
Secretly stalk them until I get bored with it. LOL

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posted April 13, 2015 05:03 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by PixieJane:
I wonder if there's a romanticization of the first love. If so then it might help to focus resentment on those who sold you that romanticism in the first place about the first and true love which I know many hold to, or did at one time. The fantasy they sell is wondrous but the reality is it's a clumsy time and a learning experience, one of the first bumps on the road of life. I can see why it would be disillusioning to find the near perfection promised turned out to be dross instead of gold, but try to be angry at the ones who lied about it. At least then it's not so personal and may make it easier to get over the first (getting one step closer to the true) rather than feeling so ultimately betrayed by someone you loved (there's that, too, but when one has a more realistic view than a romanticized one then I'd think it would be easier to overcome).

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posted April 22, 2015 01:05 AM            

Hugs! I'm going through my first serious heartbreak right now...It's so difficult, I feel like I'm going through a mini death. The worst part is that, I ended it but I had to end it for various reasons, we were just not on the same level. We came from different backgrounds and were too different. It hurt SO BAD because we both loved each other SO MUCH but knew that there were obstacles around us that prevented us from being together. He also became very distant, would stop responding to my texts (lying he didn't see my texts,while he was liking other girls pics on facebook and instagram) , would stop wanting to see me.
He would stop giving me attention, would stop saying I love you, and stopped having sex with me.

I later found out he had depression...I left him while he was depressed. It was one of the toughest decisions I had to do. Leave him while he was not ok, but I felt like he couldn't love me & be there for me, when he was broken. I felt like I had to look out for me. It didn't feel right, that my male friends were more there than my own boyfriend, that they treated me better than he did. My bf was pushing me away more and more, to the point where I said no more.

I broke up with him impulsively..I wanted to do it face to face but he refused to see me, so he left me no choice but to do it through text (he wouldn't even answer my calls). I felt guilty afterwards, wanting to see him in person to hug him for the last time...He rejected me. Refused again. I was a drunk mess.

By far, these are the things I'm learning while going through my first serious heartbreak.

-Alcohol is a big no no. Drunk dialing/texting is not a good idea. You make a fool out of yourself & look desperate. And your self esteem goes down the gutter when you send 10 text messages & call 5 times (all being unanswered). I remember looking like a fool in the bar, having all my friends trying to steal my phone from me, and in the end I battled with them and spilled beer on my phone.

-Cut contact. COLD TURKEY. This is a toughy. The withdrawal symptoms are REAL. The struggle is real, it's like an addict trying to quit drugs. I admit it is tempting to unblock the number, stalk them on social media. I do fall into temptation sometimes & everytime I do, my heart just keeps getting broken.

-Write everything you feel in a journal/letter...i haven't done this yet. I plan on writing a closure letter to my ex (to an email account he barely uses). He won't get to see it, but writing would be very therapeutic for me.

-Surround yourself with friends. I find this helps however...Some of my friends have never been through a breakup (which sucks...we're all 19/20 bur I'm the first one to get a serious bf). Therefore, some of them don't understand the heartbreak I'm going through. The worst is when someone says 'just move on & get over it'. No sh*t, I would if I could!

-Lastly...Give it time. Also, do some inner work. It's VERY important to look within yourself & connect with the person you used to be before you met him...That's what I'm trying to do...However, he changed me so much in so many ways...I'm not the same person as I used to be before I met him...

What sucks for me is that I work in customer service and it's like gah I'm forced to smile at customers when there are days you're just like I don't wanna smile, I just wanna cry. Plus some customers get into arguments with you, and you already feel like sh*t, so you start crying out of nowhere (this happened to me today. And my boss forced me to stay on the cash register while crying because the store was too busy. Alot of customers were so uncomfortable seeing a crying cashier).

posted April 28, 2015 08:55 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by MillyX:

What sucks for me is that I work in customer service and it's like gah I'm forced to smile at customers when there are days you're just like I don't wanna smile, I just wanna cry. Plus some customers get into arguments with you, and you already feel like sh*t, so you start crying out of nowhere (this happened to me today. And my boss forced me to stay on the cash register while crying because the store was too busy. Alot of customers were so uncomfortable seeing a crying cashier).

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That is the worst when you just want to cry, and you have to put on that "happy face" and say "I'm good, how are you?" IT KILLS ME!