posted March 30, 2015 07:39 PM            

Since joining LindaLand in Oct 2014, I've been battling some overwhelming demons; and here is my story... It involves a broken heart, a derelict home and one lonely female.

My father suffered a severe stroke that took his speech and I broke up with my boyfriend (friend of about 10 years). I didn't hear from him, despite him being aware of my father's condition, but came to learn that he went back to his ex girlfriend.

It's not so much that our relationship broke down, it's the fact that I dealt with the situation alone and he never considered how I felt. (With all due respect), people seem to understand Cancer, Lukemia etc., but no one really understands the affects of stroke and how it changes people. I'm sad and I'm angry because I wasn't important.

My father was a independent and helpful man; and now he is like a son that I care for and worry about. Someone who now reminds me of my battle with my early battle with impaired speech.

It hurts to know that you are alone and that no one truly understands your story. It hurts to know that my ex didn't understand and still doesn't understand my story/struggle and why I needed him as a friend - a supporter.

In the end, I found out that he went back to his ex and he never called to see if I was okay. Obviously, I needed someone to talk to, so I reached out, but the care was never genuine. I need him, he leaves me, but I reach out to ask him to come back - what kind of life is that? I can blame him, but let's be honest, I should have known better. With that said, I just wanted for my pain to be understood. I wanted a connection, with someone I thought would always put me first.

The bright side is that I have come to understand is that I am able to do things by myself, it doesn't stop the memories/flashbacks or experiences... But I do know that I've learned from everythin that I have been through. However, I know me... I talk a very good game, but there's still work to be done on the inside and I need the silence and the space to think/sleep early and stop thinking about him.

I lost him as a friend a very long time ago; and there are no amount of readings that can change the pain that I have felt as a result of the things that he has done to me. I accept that all people are on their own journey, I just don't understand why he had to step on me to start his. I accept that I allowed some of it, but I have been in a vulnerable place for a very long time.

But there are so many things that I don't particularly understand. I don't undersrand why I haven't spoken to my blood sister for 12 years; and I don't particularly understand why my blood brother decided to leave when stroke took my father away from me. I don't undersrand a lot of things that have happened in my life and I need some time to mourn all of these things because they really do haunt me.

You guys have been so wonderful to me, and I appreciate all of the nice things that you have done and said. The encouragement to get me into Lenormand and also to ask more questions.

posted March 30, 2015 08:01 PM              

You obviously know where to find us! We're always here and I like to believe that even if we (All members of LL, not you and I) don't always get along, when push comes to shove, we gotta stick together. That's typically how I roll.

I can't lie and say that I understand all of your pain, but I've felt the pain of losing love. In the way that you have.
My mom had a stroke in 2008. She was lucky enough not to have anything TOO serious long term, but it seems like it immediately aged her 10 years.
With your brother, you know, it may just be a very difficult thing to face. When my dad fell and was on life-support. Something just told me not to go. (Some kind of intuition that it would be too difficult?) So I didn't go to the hospital. There's two ways to look at it - that I missed that last bit of time. I look at it as I wasn't left with that memory. The last that I remember is helping him do work on his house, and I'm ok with that!

Anyway, It's a tough thing.
Take your time. Just remember to focus on picking up the pieces, not drowning in them.

posted March 30, 2015 08:30 PM            

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posted March 31, 2015 12:14 PM            

My ex went right back to his ex. Right after dumping me. I saw it as a pathetic rebound move on his part.
And I did put up with some crap relating to his ex. It was almost like he was punishing me for what she did to him. He told me he doesn't believe in labels and marriage. He pretty much told me he couldn't do missionary because of her. I wanted to tell him he needs to get over it...but I didn't. I had exes who I would always get the tab for going out. But I did not punish him for my past and would pay for him on dates sometimes.
His exes dad would blow up his fb occasionally. One time my ex posted picture of an outing he went on with me and my dad. Shot gun shooting. AND his exes dad commented on it like "we need to go shooting" and then he posted a picture of one of his daughters at the shooting range. WTF
oh and one time his exes dad tagged him in a picture of his exes baby. Again...What..the all capitalized...****!

But anyways a little after a month of dumping me he is in a new relationship with some random chick. That looks and dresses a lot like me from what I am told. That was the final straw. He is now dead to me.

posted March 31, 2015 05:24 PM            

In real life, I don't often feel like that. I don't often feel safe to share feelings or ideas and I'm happy I've found a safe space amongst you all

I'll definitely be back to tell you how my April went. I'll try not to drown Va! I'll definitely flap around and try my best.

posted March 31, 2015 05:34 PM            

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posted May 18, 2015 08:41 PM            

I have been away for a little while and had a chance to reflect about where I want to be in the next few months to a year. In regards to my participation on this site, my intention is to come/go, do some readings, get some readings and really continue to get some astrological insights that will enable me to find myself a bit more. I won't be as active as I was prior to my hiatus... But I'll be around and pop up regularly, but not always lol.

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In taking some time out, I have managed to come to some peace about my relationship with my ex. I wouldn't say that I'm completely over him, but I'm definitely in a better place now than when I started this thread. However, now I would say that the feelings I have lean more towards hatred and anger. This is not great, because my aim is to be indifferent, but I'm definitely be more realistic when I think of him and our relationship.

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My dad is doing ok. His condition still saddens me, but to an extent I have accepted that some people are chosen by the universe to experience certain responsibilities. I feel blessed to have had my father in my life, but I accept that I am now at a stage whereby I have to stand on my own two feet. He is my hero and I will always love him, but I have to start to mature in terms of my attachment to him and what I feel he represents. This is not easy, but I'm aware of it all the same.

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Finally, to all of the people who are struggling with loss or a break up. Keep going. I know it is easier said than done, but try to keep your wellbeing and love for self at the front of your mind.

When you put yourself first, dealing with a breakup becomes somewhat easier because you shift your focus and start concentrating on you. This will make you happier, because you will be involved in and dealing with matters than you can control. Shift the focus to you. Instead of focusing on your ex and trying to get them to get back with you. Doing these things which will only make you more miserable in the long run, because the truth is... You don't have much control over their actions and this will frustrate you very quickly!!!!!

Be happy xxx