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Author
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Topic: Power imbalances in romantic relationships
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aquaguy91
Moderator Posts: 12072
From: Wankety Wankerson
Registered: Jan 2012
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posted June 07, 2015 10:00 PM
  
I'm extremely sensitive to power imbalances in relationships. I suppose it's because I'm a venus-pluto person. One thing I notice is how there is almost always an inbalance of power present in romantic relationships. In theory a relationship should be a 50/50 thing and both parties should be equally invested in each other but it rarely works out that way in reality. If you look at any couple it's usually clear that one of them has more invested in the relationship than the other person. In fact there's even a common joke that "he/she definitely wears the pants in that relationship". When I hear that I see it as people trying to make light of the dark truth that power imbalances in relationships are almost inevitable. My gay friend always talks about a certain episode of Will and Grace where they were discussing this issue and one of the characters said " in most relationships you have a flower and a gardener. The gardener invests time and energy to take care of the flower and he gets nothing out of it while the flower blossoms and shines". That quote pretty much sums up most relationships I have seen.
When I was younger I was always in one-sided relationships where I was the one putting forth all the effort and helping the other person grow. I always seemed to connect with girls that had a really low self esteem and I would be the one to help them get their confidence back. One girl even told me that she had never had a guy be so supportive of her and try to encourage her the way I did. Of course these girls always ditched me to be in relationships with guys where they were the ones being taken for granted. I used to allow myself to be used like that but now I refuse to get involved in that type of relationship. But what I'm wondering is why do so many people never escape that pattern? I learned my lesson early on but I see lots of people that are 30 and 40+ still making the same mistakes. What causes people to put up with those power imbalances in relationships? IP: Logged |
Jo B
unregistered
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posted June 07, 2015 10:12 PM
The Passion Paradox by Dean C. Delis and Cassandra Phillips is a good read which covers this issue. It talks about "one ups" and "one downs" in relationships and how one can attempt to redress the balance. I might come back and answer in more detail when I'm less tired! IP: Logged |
bansheequeen
unregistered
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posted June 07, 2015 10:22 PM
It's something you have yo look into yourself and figure out. I am always the nurturer, the giver, the one that does more. And I attract the low self esteem types of people too. I help them feel wanted and like they are attractive and amazing and wanted and valued and once they've gotten the ego boost, they start thinking they are too goodformeand treat me like garbage. Cursing me out, physical abuse, telling me what to do, where I can and can't go, what to wear, etc. and since I made them feel valued they think everyone will value then not just me. And I'm thinking lol but I made you...?There are people that know they are more attractive and they purposely date less attractive people so that they have the power in the relationship, I am guilty of this too... I also had a pattern of getting into relationships where I was needed or the person was in trouble and I was the helper I don't escape the pattern because for some reason I don't like it when the typical cocky guy approaches me, I like the gentle shy types which all ended up the same way for me.... I know it's mostly me that made them like that too. I don't really care anymore. I can't break out of it and if things go bad I do just escape I'm sure one day things will look better for me. But I guess I don't care much Bout power imbalances. i have a cap stellium with Venus in cap. IP: Logged |
Voix_de_la_Mer
Knowflake Posts: 2016
From: Sound
Registered: Aug 2011
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posted June 08, 2015 08:05 AM
Hmm. I think what can also happen is that what constitutes "investment" to one party, may differ from what constitutes "investment" to the other.Some partners emotionally invest more, other partners practically invest more. Some partners deal with organisation more, whilst the other deals more with execution. I think it is about finding a balance between the personality traits that complement each other, rather than saying: "I give 50% emotional investment by talking and so should you, even though you prefer to show emotional investment by being of practical assistance". People show their love in a myriad of ways. One of the most important lessons of relationship, IMHO, is learning to accept these many languages of love, rather than expecting someone to be the same as you. We don't grow from doing the same thing over and over. And growth, in two people who value it, is like glue. Shows you what you can achieve as a couple. If you don't achieve anything as a team, why bother being with someone? It has to go beyond personal needs, and into creating a 3rd entity - the relationship. IP: Logged |
Vajra
Knowflake Posts: 1738
From:
Registered: Dec 2012
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posted June 08, 2015 08:53 AM
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Voix_de_la_Mer
Knowflake Posts: 2016
From: Sound
Registered: Aug 2011
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posted June 08, 2015 11:17 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Vajra:
Perfectly stated. This is exactly my take and my experience, too. People in relationships create very many conflicts by not acknowledging another's way of expressing their love as a valid way. Took me quite a while to learn this, too.
Took me a while also Vajra, and a lot of pain, before I realised. IP: Logged |
Aquacheeka
unregistered
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posted June 08, 2015 12:04 PM
quote:
Originally posted by bansheequeen:
It's something you have yo look into yourself and figure out. I am always the nurturer, the giver, the one that does more. And I attract the low self esteem types of people too. I help them feel wanted and like they are attractive and amazing and wanted and valued and once they've gotten the ego boost, they start thinking they are too goodformeand treat me like garbage. Cursing me out, physical abuse, telling me what to do, where I can and can't go, what to wear, etc. and since I made them feel valued they think everyone will value then not just me. And I'm thinking lol but I made you...?There are people that know they are more attractive and they purposely date less attractive people so that they have the power in the relationship, I am guilty of this too... I also had a pattern of getting into relationships where I was needed or the person was in trouble and I was the helper I don't escape the pattern because for some reason I don't like it when the typical cocky guy approaches me, I like the gentle shy types which all ended up the same way for me.... I know it's mostly me that made them like that too. I don't really care anymore. I can't break out of it and if things go bad I do just escape I'm sure one day things will look better for me. But I guess I don't care much Bout power imbalances. i have a cap stellium with Venus in cap.
Where is your moon? Do you have a Pisces moon? It can happen with Pisces mooners where you're too nice and stronger and more manipulative people will eventually take advantage of your nurturing and seemingly endless capacity for self-sacrifice. It's happened to both me and my dad, and we both have Pisces moons.
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Aquacheeka
unregistered
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posted June 08, 2015 12:12 PM
I have become very aware of power dynamics recently; what it is, who has it, where it comes from, how to manage it. I'm a 7th-house stellium so happiest when any giving that is done for me is reciprocated and there is balance. I enjoy doting on the man that I'm in love with, and I want a very egalitarian relationship where we both look out for each other's interests, both give each other massages, split the bills down the middle, etc. But in spite of this, I want to know that if anyone is ever going to leave, it's going to be me and NOT him. I want to feel like he is the more invested person in the relationship, if only a teensy little bit more. I want to feel 150% secure, maybe because I've never - literally never - felt that way in a relationship. I'm realizing that who has the power comes down to Pluto and Uranus in synastry. The Pluto person and the Uranus person are just a little bit more likely to leave, because Pluto makes the planet person incapable of leaving because they're obsessed. And Uranus makes that person unpredictable and more "take it or leave it" than the planet person, who may feel more on-edge. I realize I've been on the receiving end of this (being the planet person in a Plutonian relationship) and never want to be again. Right now, I'm the sun in a sun-Pluto relationship and it suits me perfectly because I feel as close to not having abandonment issues as an insecurely attached person is ever going to get. But he has nothing to worry about! I'm not going anywhere - I have 5 planets in fixed signs!
Some people are drawn to power imbalances, especially 12th- and 6th-house heavy people.
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bansheequeen
unregistered
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posted June 08, 2015 10:34 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Aquacheeka:
Where is your moon? Do you have a Pisces moon? It can happen with Pisces mooners where you're too nice and stronger and more manipulative people will eventually take advantage of your nurturing and seemingly endless capacity for self-sacrifice. It's happened to both me and my dad, and we both have Pisces moons.
It's cancer. I have Virgo rising and Pisces north node in the 6th house. Another virgopisces axis is strong in me lol. I also have Neptune conj Venus so I do act very netpunian in love. Aw are you and your dad really close? IP: Logged |
Eirlys
Knowflake Posts: 516
From: Atlantic Coast
Registered: May 2013
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posted June 09, 2015 12:40 AM
Originally posted by Aquacheeka:
Where is your moon? Do you have a Pisces moon? It can happen with Pisces mooners where you're too nice and stronger and more manipulative people will eventually take advantage of your nurturing and seemingly endless capacity for self-sacrifice. It's happened to both me and my dad, and we both have Pisces moons.Some people are drawn to power imbalances, especially 12th- and 6th-house heavy people.
------- In a sense, yes. It took me a long time to recognize it, though. It isn't that they have more power, so much as you relinquish your own by thinking that (of course!) the care will be reciprocated. But it isn't like that... though I would like to to believe that I've just chosen the wrong people, a time or two. --- And bansheequeen: '... they start thinking they are too goodforme' Or that they are somehow entitled. lolol
There seems to be no fix for that, either-- you
just have to drop it (them), and start over a bit wiser. 
~
------------------
Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours. -- cs lewis
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ikja
unregistered
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posted June 09, 2015 02:25 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Voix_de_la_Mer:
Took me a while also Vajra, and a lot of pain, before I realised.
I concur. IP: Logged |
Faith
Knowflake Posts: 20055
From: Bella's Hair Salon
Registered: Jul 2011
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posted June 09, 2015 07:06 AM
This thread reminds me of one of my favorite songs, The Gambler.  You gotta know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run. My Pisces moon brother used to sing that to me when I was little. Though, he never learned the lesson himself  --- As for the original question here, I don't usually think in terms of power dynamics in relationships, I'm too airy-fairy for that, but I put my thinking cap on.... I've been in relationships where the guy thought I had all the power, because he liked me more than I liked him, but I felt so powerless because I was "trapped" by my inability to hurt his feelings and move away. And meanwhile, I was feeling unloved and disempowered by him, despite his efforts. Neither of us had power, the relationship was not conducive to strength. Honestly, I think few romantic relationships are, in the long term.
IP: Logged |
Aquacheeka
unregistered
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posted June 09, 2015 12:40 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Faith:
This thread reminds me of one of my favorite songs, The Gambler. You gotta know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
[b]Know when to run. My Pisces moon brother used to sing that to me when I was little. Though, he never learned the lesson himself --- As for the original question here, I don't usually think in terms of power dynamics in relationships, I'm too airy-fairy for that, but I put my thinking cap on.... I've been in relationships where the guy thought I had all the power, because he liked me more than I liked him, but I felt so powerless because I was "trapped" by my inability to hurt his feelings and move away. And meanwhile, I was feeling unloved and disempowered by him, despite his efforts. Neither of us had power, the relationship was not conducive to strength. Honestly, I think few romantic relationships are, in the long term.[/B]
Long-term relationships definitely foster co-dependency, that's for sure. At its core, long-term love is an addiction.
I still hope to be contentedly addicted with the same person for life Your burden is still my dream come true, and lots of people can say the same.
Grass is always greener, I guess  .
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Aquacheeka
unregistered
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posted June 09, 2015 12:45 PM
quote:
Originally posted by bansheequeen:
It's cancer. I have Virgo rising and Pisces north node in the 6th house. Another virgopisces axis is strong in me lol. I also have Neptune conj Venus so I do act very netpunian in love.Aw are you and your dad really close?
Yeah, we are We've never had a fight.
IP: Logged |
Faith
Knowflake Posts: 20055
From: Bella's Hair Salon
Registered: Jul 2011
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posted June 09, 2015 03:47 PM
@Aquacheeka ~ Sorry...cynicism can be annoying I know. (ETA: So maybe I should have kept it to myself.) I was just talking about those rare couples you see, who really seem to energize each other, year after year. The love elites  For the rest of us, it's kinda like... 
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