posted July 31, 2015 10:45 PM            

"Many women who are victims of marital rape have great difficulty in defining it as such. The traditional idea that it is impossible for a man to rape his wife and that somehow, in taking our marriage vows we have abdicated any say over our own body and sexuality, basically denied ourselves the right to say 'no', is still prevalent amongst wives as much as amongst their husbands. A wife being raped will often question her right to refuse intercourse with her husband, and while she may realise that legally it now constitutes rape, there are many reasons which may prevent her from perceiving it in such a light.

We prefer to see it possibly as a communication problem (did I make it clear enough that I did not want intercourse tonight), we may see it as an act for which the man is not fully responsible due to his nature (men have a biological need to have sex and if there is a woman next to them in bed when they are in the mood they just cannot help it), we may see it as a misunderstanding (although I told him I didn't want to, maybe I gave him the wrong signals somehow), we may have RELIGIOUS ISSUES which question our right to refuse intercourse (I have got to submit myself to him and accept his will above mine as my Lord and Master).

Basically, as wives being raped by our husbands, we look for every reason, every excuse to deny it is Rape because we do not want to accept the alternative: it is Rape, he is hurting and humiliating us with intent, we can no longer trust him, turn to him in comfort, gain reassurance and protection from his company and our home is no longer safe."
http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/marital_rape.html

I feel like we have a long way to go till we convince all women that they have the right to have the control over their bodies.

posted July 31, 2015 11:16 PM            

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With all due respect to the woman who wrote that article, I cannot relate to her staying with her husband for years after she caught him drugging her repeatedly.

I can't relate to her story at all.

I would have gone to the police after one drugging, gotten divorced, and tried to keep our children away from him, immediately. Even without any evidence of rape.

posted July 31, 2015 11:36 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
Another kind of domestic violence.

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With all due respect to the woman who wrote that article, I cannot relate to her staying with her husband for years after she caught him drugging her repeatedly.

I can't relate to her story at all.

I would have gone to the police after one drugging, gotten divorced, and tried to keep our children away from him, immediately. Even without any evidence of rape.

Zero tolerance for that.

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I would react immediately as well. That's why i said we have a long way to go.. So many women are having the victim mentality, because of the traditional societies and every religion that encourage us to be obedient to hierarchy.

What about the legal system? The male judge asked her to forgive her rapist and he set him free.
That woman was already late to act but when she did (and it wasn't an easy task emotionally) she didn't find the justice she deserved.

posted August 01, 2015 12:21 AM            

Definitely infuriating, especially when said alleged rapists avoid jail time and go on to murder people (like serial killer Paul Bernardo, and actually several others I've read about but can't name off the top of my head.)

But this also got me thinking, it's good we don't face legal penalties for what we do to ourselves, because that girl was practically her husband's accomplice. She let a guy drug her repeatedly while living in her house, and she didn't kick him out? And it never dawned on her that he was raping her until she found the videos...not even with all the other clues?

posted August 01, 2015 02:41 AM            

quote:

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RELIGIOUS ISSUES which question our right to refuse intercourse (I have got to submit myself to him and accept his will above mine as my Lord and Master

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I think women in Eastern cultures would be more likely to be so deeply religious that they would consider remaining married even after - being raped.

posted August 01, 2015 02:42 AM            

quote:

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Sad to say, I'm used to rapists getting off scott free. It's the norm.

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posted August 01, 2015 06:39 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
Another kind of domestic violence.

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With all due respect to the woman who wrote that article, I cannot relate to her staying with her husband for years after she caught him drugging her repeatedly.

I can't relate to her story at all.

I would have gone to the police after one drugging, gotten divorced, and tried to keep our children away from him, immediately. Even without any evidence of rape.

Zero tolerance for that.

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Yep. Just the drugging would be enough. Trust would be gone.

Plus, I mean. It's not unlikely at all that they would do it to others. They're simply "practicing" first where they are most comfortable.

posted August 01, 2015 06:35 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Odette:
I think women in Eastern cultures would be more likely to be so deeply religious that they would consider remaining married even after - being raped.

I just can't imagine the average woman coming from a Western culture - putting up with such abuse - for religious reasons.
The reasons Western women remain in abusive relationships usually involve children, fear of being alone (if they don't have friends or family to appeal to), and lack of money/financial independence.
Religion isn't really a primary consideration, as far as I know.

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Also,it's more rare but you can see some westerners denying the existance of marital rape in the first place. I read about the case of Donald Trump:

"In defending presidential candidate Donald Trump against a decades-old allegation of rape from a deposition, campaign surrogate Michael Cohen made an outrageous claim.

In a tirade against a reporter working on a story about Trump's divorce case from then-wife, Ivana, Cohen asserted:

"You cannot rape your spouse. And there's very clear case law."
http://www.newsday.com/opinion/oped/donald-trump-s-legal-lesson-on-marital-rape-1.10690903

posted August 01, 2015 06:49 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
Sad to say, I'm used to rapists getting off scott free. It's the norm.

Definitely infuriating, especially when said alleged rapists avoid jail time and go on to murder people (like serial killer Paul Bernardo, and actually several others I've read about but can't name off the top of my head.)

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posted August 01, 2015 07:05 PM            

All I am saying is that a great majority of Western women would not adhere to such extreme religious ideology as this: "I have got to submit myself to him and accept his will above mine as my Lord and Master".

And secondly, that religion is not actually one of the primary or most significant reasons why Western women remain in abusive relationships.
The best aid programs for these women ^ will be aimed at enabling them to be financially independent. Lack of money is a primary problem.

posted August 01, 2015 09:08 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by fenia:
The way we treat rapists makes me so mad... It's not only that often they don't go to prison, the most crazy irresponsible thing is that we let these men(or women) free without any observation for the rest of their lives! So, if they have this sick impulse they could repeat it and no one is there to watch them or make them go to therapy.

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True.

Here's something to think about:

quote:

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Bill Clinton, exactly like Bill Cosby, is a multiply-accused rapist with allegations stretching back decades. And exactly like Cosby, Clinton has settled a sexual harassment lawsuit out of court. But unlike Cosby, Clinton continues to enjoy the adoration of the public and the benefits of his personal fortune. Why? Because we haven’t made it an issue yet. Let’s start: Google “Bill Clinton rape.”

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posted August 01, 2015 09:21 PM            

This is why my granny was freaking out so bad when **** rumors started about me, not what the neighbors would think but what could be done to me with impunity. I'll always be grateful for my cousin who (backed by others) made it very clear that anyone raped me (and that he'd believe me) then he and his friends would do to them things that would make them suicide as continuing to live would be worse, and he didn't give a damn if it was a preacher or considered the most godly man alive. And he was easy to believe (our family developed a tradition of circling the wagons against outsiders from over a century ago, the only way they survived, and in addition to his Aries sun he has an 8H Cancer Mars which says you do not tolerate attacks against family, and I've seen him get downright menacing at people who just looked at me wrong).

Going back to what happened in Dallas, at least the rape crisis center he (who confessed to rape, mind you, he never said he was innocent or even contested what happened) was assigned to refused to let him "help" out there:
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2014/05/01/Texas -judge-will-reconsider-sentencing-rapist-to-serve-at-rape-crisis-center/7781398949639/

Though Texas is just weird. On one hand they can arrest you for selling sex toys and even work to make it illegal so that gangs don't sell them (see that "political gold" here) and yet gun down a prostitute with an AK-47 after she (according to the john who shot her) left with his money without providing sex (and yes, prostitution is illegal in Texas) is apparently okay, at least it was for this jilted john.

I heard of a girl who was made to dance topless by her parole or probation officer so that she could pay her fees. The real kicker was the place sold alcohol so you had to be 21 to get in but she was 19 and ordered by the State of Texas to dance. Technically it wasn't that bold but it was her officer saying "pay us AND make enough to stay off the streets or go to prison, and look we got a nice job waiting for you." (Probably goes with the line that God doesn't send you to Hell, you send yourself by refusing to comply with God's demands. Now just replace "God" with "state" and I'm sure it makes perfect sense to many people.)

I don't know if any other US state is that bizarre. But at the PTSD support group I used to go to in California plenty who described trials (California and elsewhere) did indeed talk about how they felt they were the ones being prosecuted as they were interrogated about their sex lives and promiscuity on the stand as if it had anything to do with their being raped. Plenty wouldn't have even bothered if they had to do it over, and others were glad they didn't, and others still promote vigilante justice as a preferable alternative.

Oh that (vigilantism) reminds me! I read a True Crime book, but I can't recall the name of it and a google search isn't finding it for me. Basically a girl in Ohio was sexually abused by her dad and she was brushed off by the system when she went for help so she talked an Eagle Scout friend of hers to kill her dad, which he did but then was busted. As it was many in the community actually considered the Eagle Scout a hero and legal defense fees were being raised across the country for both the girl and the Eagle Scout (though this shocked and outraged many others) and the part that stuck with me was the speech the prosecutor gave (that the author sympathized with) which essentially said that it's true she was sexually abused and the system failed to protect her but that MANY OTHERS were in the same boat right now and if all the pair gets is probation then that will green light all the others to do something similar. Because, you know, rapists have to be protected (he didn't state that last line but that's what it boiled down to--and this wasn't about a fear of lynching the innocent, he was saying all this sex abuse was going on and tolerated by the system and that these genuine victims might seek illegal alternatives to stop the illegal abuse).

posted August 01, 2015 11:17 PM            

Well in a court of law, it's his word against hers, unless there is more evidence (and without that evidence, the case is unlikely to even be recorded by police, or so I've read.) But with family, her word may carry more weight, assuming she is a credible person telling a credible story. So there is a greater chance for the truth to be heard and acted upon.

Anyway it's interesting how many movies revolve around the tragedy of rape, yet legally we don't seem to move forward. It's almost like we "solve" the problem by collectively dreaming about revenge.

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By the way, I was reading my kids a story about Sacagawea last night, and she was married off as a prize to a stranger, but that was presented like it's A-OK.

Really, there is no way to inject some healthy commentary in there? Show her crying and protesting? She's just fine with it? See, there is a metamessage in that...it says, some heroic women will just be docile in those matters and carry on. I added my own commentary but thought about all the other readers who would just accept the narrative in the happy tone in which it was presented.