posted August 19, 2015 04:00 AM            

So my son's father has been pretty absent in his life and wanted to see him recently. He visited for a long time. And its just easier for me as a person to be friendly than to hold a grudge. Though have no romantic interest in him even find that idea of anything between us repulsive.

Well i told my boyfriend every thing that happened during his visit and even though i didnt cheat what so ever he feels betrayed by some things that happened (again nothing physical). That if he's there to be with his son he should be with his son not be bonding with me.

I didnt think it through how it might make him feel. I now feel like i betrayed him and dont know how to live with it.

The problem is my boyfriend has major trust issues. And i have no way to prove nothing happened between us, that i dont have feelings. And i feel so tremendously guilty simply just for having him over and being short sighted that i'm probably behaving guilty.

My boyfriend would never do something like that and spend that much alone time with another woman. He's the most loyal and trust worthy person i know... its why i love him.
I feel like he deserves better. I know I'm a good person but i cant help but feel like he still deserves better, that he's a better person. That maybe i should break things off so he can find someone better with less drama in her life.

But ive also had plans of spending my life with him. I just dont know how to feel better about this betrayal.

I dont think our relationship can just go back to normal. He seems ready to move on (i think?) But im having a hard time - feeling like i dont deserve him. And he's feeling a distance from me because of it.

I have trouble letting go of things and I'm just looking for advice on how to forgive myself (I have scorpio moon in 12th conj pluto opposite Venus). Tips on how to ease the depression ive been feeling the last couple days? easy healing rituals?

posted August 19, 2015 11:00 AM            

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posted August 20, 2015 12:55 AM            

Not sure why your boyfriend can't give you a bit of leeway since it's healthy for children to see both parents interacting normally.

It was a favor you did for you child, to talk to your ex.

In a non-stressed relationship that fact could have come through easily and redeemed you. But I feel that either by transit or something in your charts...or upbringing...that simple fact was overlooked.

Honestly as a mother I would instinctively do what you did. It may not feel so great to your boyfriend, but if you love him and express it, you have earned yourself trust. You are WORTHY of being trusted.

12H moons, like Pisces moons, are susceptible to just accepting whatever is dished out to them, as if they honestly deserved it.

posted August 20, 2015 01:36 AM            

I appreciate everything you said.

posted August 20, 2015 01:48 AM            

Simple mistake however. I'm sure you apologized and explained.

And as I said, you are worthy of forgiveness for a simple mistake.

I don't mean to sound rude to him, but please don't forget that his issues are not *more important* than yours. You are just as entitled to trust and understanding as he is.

Will you go into your next relationship with trust issues because of this incident... because when you made an innocent error, he treated you like you had done something awful? So...will you be able to really trust the next guy (if there is one) or will you think rejection for an innocent mistake is lurking around every corner, waiting to rip the rug out from under your feet? You know?

I know you feel bad and I don't mean to sound pushy. It's just that I hate seeing people feeling guilt that was basically imposed on them. If he had been okay with it, you would have been fine. It shouldn't be so totally up to him to decide whether what you did was right or wrong.

posted August 20, 2015 01:44 PM            

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posted August 22, 2015 10:23 PM            

And I hope you continue to feel better, eyes_like_pisces.

posted August 27, 2015 09:18 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Soltze:
What stuck to me in your store was the word PROVE. You don't have to prove anything when a relationship is healthy.
When it's good there are two equal human beings walking side by side in life. Sure it's good to talk about what's nagging but when you start feeling guilty and justifiying yourself...then you're giving away your power and that might have consequences later.

Hope you can solve things...but it's really not your fault. Your child need to see the father obviously. It's good for the kid you two are not hating on each other. That messes children up

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posted August 28, 2015 01:32 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by DopGang:
^^^ I second that! (Both!)

Great advice here overall in this thread.

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Yep!

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posted August 29, 2015 04:30 AM            

At the time that this was happening. I had agreed - you can't have a relationship without trust. And thus i felt like my relationship was ending and my emotions were intense.

It took a few days but we were able to work through it. The problem here is that occasionally at times I tell him about some scenario like this and he bombards me with questions and gets angry. I feel like its an interrogation and accusations. He however, doesnt see it that way he calls it "a need for questioning."

He swears he does trust me. That i'm the first girlfriend he's ever trusted. And he genuinely seemed to feel bad and agreed its no good that I feel he doesnt trust me.

posted August 29, 2015 06:38 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by eyes_like_pisces:

So i can only hope 1. These incidence happen less and less 2. We get better at sorting through these things.

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I don't want to come across as mean to you. I'm trying to look out for you.

I still don't feel well about this. He can say that he trusts you but proving it is another. Him saying that there's "a need for questioning" is kind of like calling s##t, feces. It just sounds a bit nicer but it's no different if I called you a piece of feces instead of the other. You get what I'm saying?

His questioning is just a new label for interrogation.

The reason that it worries me is that at best, you have to keep enduring it. (Unless he decides to stop, not rename it) At worst, it turns to accusations, abuse, or in some cases, worse.
We don't know him, or you really. I'll give you that so maybe it's not that bad. But with what you've told us and the fact that it bothered you enough to post about it, has me (us) concerned.
It's very possible that it's not that he doesn't trust YOU. It's more that he doesn't think he's good enough to keep you faithful. See the difference?
The latter is his issue being made out to be your issue.

It sounds like you want to stick with him. With that, I really wish you the best, I do. I'd just say that the MOMENT that there's an accusation made, regardless of if he retracts it, be VERY careful and consider at least, getting out. Accusation is very different. At that point what you say no longer matters. That's dangerous.
Plus, we have a child involved here. You have to think about their environment and not just whether they are safe, but what kind of things do you want them to grow up with, believing that it's normal and ok. You know? What kind of adult do you want them to be?
I could write forever about it but I tried to keep it reasonably short.

posted August 29, 2015 06:53 AM            

It's still seems unfair on you and he should not be putting the onus on you but trying to correct it in himself. At least having the desire to not have those feelings rather than just the desire you don't interact with the father. (Have just read that he does acknowledge that but this is still a pivotal, unsteady point that could tip either way) However, either he is insecure of your affections or, as you've mentioned is insecure in himself - the latter isn't your responsibility where as you can build on your R/ship in the former case. I would be very careful, for his sake too, to not let his fears demarcate your life because he will never be satisfied on some level on how far this is done.

posted August 29, 2015 03:47 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Soltze:
Me too.
And please eyes_like_pisces keep us informed if you want to.
Don't keep stuff inside.
We're here for you, despite being physically away.

I just hope everything turns out fine and starts getting calmer for you

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posted September 06, 2016 03:52 AM            

What non physical things I did

His dad was over late like between 10pm 5am
~I prefered evening because i have gossipy neighbors, and didnt want my mom popping in.
~I probably started dropping hint for him to leave around midnight, but he's kind of ADD so I hard a hard time getting out of the house

The other things were asking him about hand writing anaylasis. And going over a family letter with me. The letter was just something that had come up earlier that day so it had been on my mind. And him and I kinda enjoy the same topics astrology etc so I thought I'd ask him what he knew about it. Thats my idea of small talk.

posted September 06, 2016 04:13 AM            

If you had read my last post you would know thatI just had an unrelated fight with the same boyfriend.

We hadnt talked for days. And during that time I had seem him tagged in a post from his ex-girlfriend. It sounded like they made plans to hangout.

Months and months ago she had tagged him in another photo. And i just ignored for awhile. Until some tipic came up in the car that reminded me of this post. So i asked him about it. And he had just said he had issues in the past with girlfriends feeling insecure about her and then cheat on him.

Well now ...she had tagged him again. And I asked if he had plans with her. I tried to be calm and relaxed while asking.

And he never said yes or no. He replied with "why do you need to know, why does it matter?"

And I just said I just thought that if he had plans with an ex he would have at least told me. That i just would have liked to know before had.

He didnt say anything. So i asked if he was mad. He said he was annoyed. That what annoys him most is that I think he needs my permission to hang out with her.

Which ....I dont wanna be that kind of girl that my boyfriend would need my permission. I just would hope it woulve have come up at some point, is that wrong? So I just said "I thought we had the kind of relationship where tell each other this stuff" or something like that

And he just said that I dont need his permission to hangout with guys (which I was given quite the opposite impression multiple times ~ see previous/top story).

He explained to me that this girl was always more of a friend than a girlfriend. That they sidnt date long. And it is one of the longest friendships he has. And again said that it bothers him when this comes up because all his girlfriends have had a problem with her and cheated on him.

And then proceeded to ask me if this all about my wanting to hang out with an ex. Or my sons dad. And he said if I wanted to I could.

~which is not at all what my question was about. Its just strange to me that two years ago he seemed so bothered by me interacting with guys and now he's not??

posted September 06, 2016 06:28 AM            

I call that "hide and seek". Whether or not it's about actual things or perceived things.
Each of you may be searching for that hidden truth, seeking to expose the truth from the other. There may be big or small dishonesty on both sides. I mean, maybe something is going on with him and his ex, maybe not. It sounds like it bothers you. You ask him about it for what sounds like to see if you can spot dishonesty on his end. Yet, you mask it as "just asking".
I don't know, do you see what I'm saying?
I'm not trying to upset you. I'm not trying to point fingers. It's a bunch of reading between the lines, whether or not something is there to read. (Which I think there is). No one is admitting that though. It's a very blurry and frustrating kind of communication.

posted September 06, 2016 06:56 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by DopGang:
Ugh.

I call that "hide and seek". Whether or not it's about actual things or perceived things.
Each of you may be searching for that hidden truth, seeking to expose the truth from the other. There may be big or small dishonesty on both sides. I mean, maybe something is going on with him and his ex, maybe not. It sounds like it bothers you. You ask him about it for what sounds like to see if you can spot dishonesty on his end. Yet, you mask it as "just asking".
I don't know, do you see what I'm saying?
I'm not trying to upset you. I'm not trying to point fingers. It's a bunch of reading between the lines, whether or not something is there to read. (Which I think there is). No one is admitting that though. It's a very blurry and frustrating kind of communication.

I think the best thing is to just sit down and have a heart to heart. No accusations from either. Just honesty.

---

It's more like i found this upsetting because they appear to be having this on going friendship he's never once talked to me about but i tell him everything. Any time I would hang out with a guy friend I would give him a play by play to which he always reaponded with a million a custody tone questions. I stopped having guy friends all together, I stopped putting myself in situations where arguments like this could occur. Sure he never told me I had to. But I got sick of the drama and ultimately decided thats whats best for the relationship. He wants every details of my life but I guess I'm not allowed to know about his life.

Twice in 4 years i politely asked him about this girl. Not accused, just wanted to know the nature of their relationship.

Ive never been the jealous type. Envious of other people in the general sense, yes. But suspected a boyfriend of cheating, never.

posted September 06, 2016 10:30 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by DopGang:
Well. I'm going to be honest.
It COULD be nothing between them. I don't want to be responsible for making things worse. I'm just some guy on the internet going off of what you've told me.
He's either simply very insecure or it's a matter of he's doing wrong, is the guilty party, and it's being directed at you. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes the guilty one is the accusing one.
But I don't want to sit here and say, "oh yeah. He's cheating." At the end of the day I have no idea. My instinct is that he is, wants to, thinks about it, or really just agrees that he thinks it's playing with fire (even if nothing is going on) and feels guilty.

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Thanks for your response! Don't worry, I wouldn't assume he's cheating just because some people who dont know him think that is the case.

I just feel like sharing things things when they come up because I always feel too close to the situation and wonder if I'm seeing/thinking/feeling everything as it is.