posted September 11, 2015 10:24 PM            

Writing it behind a screen, where no one knows who I am, is easier somehow.
I have what is called an "EDNOS" or: Eating Disorder not otherwise specified.
Fancy words to say that I have all the symptoms of Anorexia Nervosa except that my weight fall withing the normal range.
I am in a "sub-treshold" sort of.
My limit is 1400 calories a day, and I still don't dare to venture under 1200.
It's not at the point where I will eat a biscuit for the whole day, feeling awful that I dared eat at all, but the warnings are there, the crisis and relapses are there, worsening every time.
There is still food I enjoy, and yes, I will dare go eat an ice cream with friends.
I never thought my behavior was normal, but I never thought it was bad, per say.
It was always a problem, but eating disorders were really never something I thought about.
Oh I cried myself to sleep because I had eaten a hundred calories over my personal limit.
I went into a panic attack when I was sure I had taken weight.
You can't imagine the stress I go through each christmas when people insist on piling HUGE amount of FAT food onto my plates and I can just count all those calories and distress because I still have 3 more of those meals coming.
But I never really associated with a mental disorder... or a disorder at all really.
However, one of my teacher told us recently that: "You have a mental disorder when it start controlling your life and burdens it with anxiety and distress."
It struck a chord because that's all it is.

There is time when I feel good and ALMOST normal.
But food is always in the back of my mind. Every single minutes of my life.
How many calories have I eaten today?
What will I eat next?
How many calories do I still need to eat?
Do I have a high-calorie meal planned with families or friends?
How can I eat LESS
How can I lose WEIGHT
How many calories is there in that, and that, and that?
I know, now, by heart
Craft Sliced cheese is 60 calories
Dijon mustard is 10 calories
Bread, depending, is 160 calories
a cup of 1% milk is 110 calories, whereas almond milk is 40.
A banana is 300 calories
I can expect that any high fat sauce, such as tzatziki or chipotle to be around 60 calories per 30 grams
If I don't know the exact amount, I'll make an estimate and add 50 calories per 100 calories estimated to be SURE I don't go over at the end of the day (my guess is usually good. The more I memorize calories, the better I become).
Candies are absolutely forbidden, they are BAD FOOD.
Chicken is good. It's usually a low calorie meat and low in fat as well.
I eat more raw food, because it takes more energy to be burnt and digested than cooked food.
I never eat breakfast.
I drink LOTS of water and coffee, helps to digest faster and curbs hunger.

posted September 11, 2015 10:30 PM            

Thank you for sharing and I UNDERSTAND so very, very deeply and personally

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posted September 12, 2015 02:52 PM            

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posted September 12, 2015 04:08 PM            

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orthorexia_nervosa

People like you, with a normal weight getting obsessed with calories and nutritional facts...getting extremely upset if they eat anything out of the diet they have established.

One of my college colleagues actually got diagnosed, because her parents noticed something was wrong. That's why I'm telling you about this.

I'm a bit compulsive with food. But I wouldn't dare saying I have an eating disorder.

posted September 12, 2015 04:35 PM            

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posted September 13, 2015 01:37 PM            

There is no quick fix. There is no easy answer.

Talking does help, so please, RL. keep talking.

Many of us really care. I know I do and I am here.

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posted September 14, 2015 02:41 AM            

You sound a lot like me when I was about 15. I used eating and food as a control mechanism for the next 2 years afterward because my life was spiraling out of control. I'd like to tell you a brief version of my own story, and give you some objective advice. Having survived an ED myself, I'm not going to tell you that not eating will kill you (even though you and I both know that yes, logically, it will). I won't talk down to you and say that what you're doing is horrible and wrong, because it doesn't help. I wanted to tell you what I went through and try to help shed some light on how you can get past this. I don't have anything to hide, I'm open, so I don't mind sharing.

Socializing with others was one of the ways I healed. Group therapy did work wonders for me, since it wasn't strictly for ED's but helped me see a lot of others kids were struggling like me in their own unique ways and it made me feel less alone in the world.

I'll give you some solid advice...repeat this to yourself in the mirror 100 times a day.

'THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PERFECTION.'

It may sound cliche, ridiculous, or whatever. But please, believe me - it will heal you if you really take the time and effort to connect with your deeper self and heal your inner wounds. You NEED to reach in there and give that bullied kid a hug, and remind her that no matter what she weighs, she's loved. And there is beauty in a lack of perfection, no matter what anyone says. Here's why: without perfection, we can achieve and keep building positively on ourselves. We can always improve, and in a healthy way. If every writer, dancer, actor or athlete was perfect, or achieved their goal of perfection, the public would stop cheering them on; we'd become bored and listless and move on to idolize someone else. We don't need to be perfect to be good, content, loved, or worthy. We root for people who build on themselves, people who are vulnerable and have flaws. Perfection is not possible. For anyone. Period. And you don't need to fit into this illusive idea of perfect - you are already good enough as you are. And I'm sure the people in your life that love you would agree with me 100%!

Remember what I just said about vulnerability? Yeah, that's tough for people who have been bullied, abandoned or hurt. I know that all too well. But you have to learn how to be a little vulnerable again, RoseLily. Thinness is just not a strong enough armor for this world, and it doesn't make us as appealing as magazines and the media promises us, either. It doesn't keep bullies away, either, even though as a teen I had the same logic as you do now and believed being super model skinny would make everyone respect me or even envy me. I still got into plenty of arguments and got knocked down a few pegs in high school and even more so in college, sometimes by my own professors. It was my CONFIDENCE and self-respect and self-love that got me through it all - and my ability to be vulnerable, to admit my hurts, to work through it and move on.

I struggled with perfectionism, and I still do to this day. I've been considered recovered for several years and I'm proud of this, but I still have off days where I look at a little cellulite or a stretch mark or some flab and feel my heart sink. And I empathize with you and feel for you in this regard. Like you, my classmates hurt me and bullied me; I was also somewhat overweight growing up, and my own family members used to pick on me for my weight. I was always a thick, chunky kid. I remained overweight into my early teens, and kids at school did pick on me for it now and then, along with other things; the remarks stuck, and it seemed either at school or at home, I wasn't good enough for anyone to accept me as I was. I felt like if I could control my weight, I would be more attractive and likable. But being thin doesn't make you more lovable. In fact, I felt less lovable as intense mood swings over whelmed me every day due to starvation as my body literally began eating away at itself for me to survive. I never knew that 'hangry' was a really thing until I developed an ED. And I'm not sure if that's begun for you yet, but it will happen. Ketones will appear in your pee, and your kidneys will suffer damage over time. Your periods will stop. Your body will begin to shut down. But it's even scarier when you lose the person that you used to be, beyond the obsessions and the fears. That's the worst part of all, and I don't want that to happen to you. What I said earlier about those off days - like I said, I get them. I still get the same fears as you do, now and then; they're pretty rare nowadays. But I don't let those emotions hijack me and take the reins. I take a moment to be grateful for all that I have, my relatively healthy body, how my muscles make me strong and let me run, how I have people in my life who also love me for who I am. And the fears do go away. If you do the same, and practice this gratefulness, the anxiety will also disappear.

Instead of seeing things as calories, I'll also give you a tip. Calories don't really help us stay healthy. Here's a great way of looking at it. 160 calories in a cup of mixed nuts is going to get broken down by your liver as fiber and energy, and it won't be converted into fat. 160 calories of a popsicle, however, is high in sugar and preservatives, it raises your blood sugar levels and your liver goes into overdrive and turns those 160 calories into fat. So, this is a good example of how calories are an unreliable source of how we can stay thin and keep off the fat. In fact, when I stopped obsessing about calories and ate nutritious foods with low levels of fat, I became healthier and happier.

Eating breakfast is a GREAT way to remain thin, happy and healthy. A big breakfast helps you fight off cravings for snacks and carbs later in the day. The worst time to eat? After 7 PM. Big dinners give people a bigger waistline. You may not be able to shed all your ED habits at once. It may take months and repeated attempts to recover. But don't give up. Keep trying. And the first thing you can do to help yourself, for now, is funnel most of the calories you eat into your breakfast. Greek yogurt is a great, healthy choice and will help your gut bacteria remain normal. This will work wonders in helping regulate you, since EDs have a wonderful way of causing severe constipation and a boat load of other problems that won't just disappear on their own if they get out of hand.

It's great you're filling up on water, but remember to avoid drinking while you eat. It will damage your stomach over time, and impair your digestion. Your stomach acids need to circulate properly as you eat, and if they're diluted with water, you can develop digestive upsets. Also, drinking excess coffee, along with stress, gave me a small ulcer. So keep an eye on acidic drinks that are hard on your stomach, especially if you're not eating enough.

I'll say this one more time... you do not have to measure up to anyone. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone. Everyone who bullied you doesn't have to mean anything, or make you feel anything - effectively, your disorder is giving them control over you. When I realized that my family, even though I thought I'd sworn them off, was still controlling me by being the root cause of my own eating disorder, I wanted to get healthy. I wanted to be in control of my own body, and my own emotions. And you can succeed at this, too. I believe in you!

There is going to be a time when you're going to have to either accept that you are you, flaws and all, or give in and lose yourself. And to me, you sound like a pretty wonderful young lady. I think you're going to pull through this and make it out ok, if you take control over your destiny, and realize that loving yourself, NOT working against yourself and becoming like the bullies who hurt you, is the best way you can recover.

posted September 14, 2015 08:10 AM            

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posted September 14, 2015 12:45 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
You lifted me up, SS

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posted September 14, 2015 01:02 PM            

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posted September 14, 2015 01:03 PM            

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posted September 14, 2015 08:28 PM            

I ended up talking to one of my friend.
I am not sure he understood properly how I was feeling, but it did make me feel good nonetheless (well the fact that he never laughed or brushed it off saying my weight was fine or anything helped a lot)
He suggested I start exercising and traded the scale for a mirror (note that I am not to the point of SEEING myself as fat, despite that I do notice the tiniest of flaws)
I am not sure, at the point that I am, that exercising would help. But I am willing to dissociate myself from the scales slowly. Part of my obsession certainly comes from that.

Sweet Scorpio, I am not that far as to have amenorrhea or any side effect beside the mood swings or Hunger (you understand the capital H). I'd say that I am at the burgeoning phase of an ED, and I am VERY lucky to realize how wrong all of it is that soon in it. I am already further gone than I'd like, and I know I'll be plagued with aftereffects for many years to come. But still, I don't think I have enough words to say just how good your text made me feel. It was exactly what I needed (and wanted) to hear. Funny that I couldn't tell it to myself.
It actually made me remember what my mother used to tell me, that I should find ten reasons to say thank you, whatever the reason was, everyday. Even if it was simply, thank you for being alive, or thank you for the sun.
It's like programming your mind to think of the good things in life.
I don't know how I forgot it, but I guess that when you're so caught up in your own... despair, it gets hard to see or remember.
At a point it's like you don't even WANT to, you feel comfortable in your distress, somehow, because it is a known ground and getting out of it, into something you don't even remember the feel of, is frightening probably.

posted September 14, 2015 09:30 PM            

I'm relieved that your body is still in good shape. Keep doing self-work and meditating on your own beauty and worth every day. Do the mirror exercises like I mentioned and you'll find it easier day by day to show yourself some much needed compassion and love. The mood swings will also decrease as your self-care increases and you start allowing yourself to eat in a healthy way again.

Control can be scary when it comes to ED's. Especially when we begin eating relatively normally again. We may fear losing control and binging and losing the thinness we painfully tried to obtain. But, control can be helpful. Control can be translated into healthy willpower. As you come back to healthy eating habits, you'll be able to take that willpower and say, "I'm going to save my junk food for a splurge day, enjoy that day, and leave it at that. Then, I won't have to worry anymore about junk food all week, because it'll be reserved for just one day." And other things like that...It really works, and it keeps you from going mad with cravings, too - because no matter what celeb fitness gurus and nutritionists push, there's no possible way ANYONE, skinny celebs included, can resist sweets and junk food 24/7, 7 days a week. Everyone deserves happiness, and eating good food can be fun. You deserve to have fun, especially at your age. When you want to deny yourself a splurge or two, keep telling yourself that - I deserve to be happy and have fun.

Your mom is right - it's good to think about all the things you're thankful for and people you want to say thank you to, every day. It keeps us down to earth and reminds us that really, life isn't so bad, even when we feel emotionally overwhelmed. You're very mature and have so much self-awareness and that's going to get you out of this. You do remind me a lot of myself - your comment about reprogramming your mind is super intelligent and is actually a huge emphasis in what I do at my job as a psychic. We all have the ability to reprogram our minds and get rid of negative, inefficient programming society, our parents, our lovers, our childhood peers and others have pushed onto our minds... we all have control over our realities. And if we want something enough, we believe in it enough to get it and make it happen. When there's a will, there's a way. And again, that's another healthy example of control!

I understand that despair can be all-consuming. I've had so many similar issues. Depression can literally fog your mind. The best way to deal with it? Do the EXACT opposite of what you're feeling. Watch or read something funny. Smile or make funny faces in the mirror. Go out and do a fun activity with someone you love. Believe it or not, I used to live in Quebec - and if you're in Montreal, or Quebec City, I know there's TONS of fun things to do there, and doing them will definitely refocus your thinking and remind you that life is filled with joy and adventures. Not dwelling on what hurts you is the key to healing.

And remember...don't give in to saying 'i'll try'. Commit to it and say, I WILL do this. I AM doing this. Even the way you frame your words and thoughts makes the world of difference. 'Trying' is not necessary, because you have all the tools and brightness inside you to already get to this goal of health. You just have to accept your own greatness, and BE who you really are...and say, I WILL do this, because I am READY to heal. You can be the best person YOU envision in your own mind. It's important to set realistic goals of what you want and how you can be your best self.

Good luck and make sure to keep us all posted. We are always hear for you and want to hear from you! Hit me up if you ever want to chat about anything or need advice. I'll do my best to help you out.

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posted September 15, 2015 05:17 PM            

Maybe just a suggestion, something that has helped a lot of girls with anorexia, maybe try a vegan diet.

There's a lot of youtubers I came across when starting out vegan, her is just one of them;
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CpIT2Iv0070

posted September 16, 2015 04:58 PM            

SS, I'll listen to your advice. I also am one of those person who believe that the way you phrase things makes a whole world of difference. I will not try, because trying means that it's alright to not do it, or fail. I don't have the leisure to be unsuccessful, so yes. I WILL do it.
I was already thinking of at least taking vitamin supplements, I'll probably jump ahead and start taking them. At least it will prevent any deficiencies until I can take control of it.
Your trick on taking a breakfast ended up being true. More than what I would have thought.

I know I will struggle. I realize more and more that I have control issue.
When I stopped having control over events in my life, I controlled people and I hurt them, so I promised myself to never go to that point again.
I, thus, turned my frustration against myself and scratched until I (also) promised to a friend I would stop.
I don't go back on promises. Ever. So I'm starting to think that it transferred into food.
There's a pattern with events in my life. I just need to find it.
But it usually resume at: if I'm not in control with events in my life I FEEL I should be, then I turn against myself.

posted September 23, 2015 02:52 PM            

The portions I eat are still small and controlled, but they usually are balanced and I'm continuing to take multivitamins

I'm not blinding myself, I started at a point where my spirit is high, I know it will get harder once I hit a low point, but I hope to make this new life style a routine that I feel is necessary everyday so that when I hit a relapse, it will be harder to go back to where I used to be.

posted September 23, 2015 04:38 PM            

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posted September 24, 2015 05:49 PM            

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posted September 25, 2015 02:58 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
Welcome, Ceres!

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posted September 28, 2015 07:28 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ceres_Moon:
I'm so glad you are feeling better. my sister is currently hospitalised for an eating disorder that spiralled out of control. It happened bit by bit until a few years later and she was 80 pounds. She has a 50% chance of making it. These disorders are really serious and under-treated.
Now there is nothing we can do but pray her body can make it through recovery.
You must be a very special and strong person to be posting about this and so honestly looking at it and working through it. That's really inspirational.
lots and lots of hugs and love to you.

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posted January 13, 2016 12:16 PM            

As for my diet, I changed my habits to around six meals or so a day, while still keeping a strict track of what I eat and over my calorie count, it ease a lot of the remaining obsession (which I think I'll always have) over my calories intake because I know accurately how much I've left and what I can eat.
I know how many I'm burning, and I know how much I can eat every day without gaining weight, reduced the amount of processed carbs, increased the amount of vegetables and eliminated mostly all kind of restaurant food from my every day life.

There's still fear, especially when there's a day where I forget to weight what I eat and find myself needing to estimate what was in my dish. I also cannot truly enjoy going at restaurants because I do not know what I'm eating, nor how it will affect my habit, but it's not nearly as bad as it was, and I can enjoy eating, and even rewarding myself with not such healthy food (maple taffy is my weakness), because I know I can just work twice as hard in my next training, or have a better watch on what I'll eat in order to maintain my weight.

Truly, I can't believe how I could fall in my previous mindset of before, yet I don't think that, without it, I'd have started training and would have enjoyed it half as much as I do now.