posted September 26, 2015 01:40 AM            

http://www.businessinsider.com/a-lesson-about-happiness-from-a-holocaust-survivor-201 4-10

I would say the timing could not be better, as I am dealing with a lot of struggle in my life right now, having lost my Mom 3 months ago, my job this month and most recently, finding out about my aunt's breast cancer (Mom's younger sister). Yet through all of this I do feel a sense of purpose that keeps me going, even though each news threw me off course emotionally. Reading this article definitely provided valuable food for thought.

posted September 26, 2015 04:40 AM            

But I don't divide people into "givers" and "takers" as the article does. People do both. Some givers are miserable as well, sometimes because they feel that by doing so they should score the gratitude of others, karmic points to be redeemed (IOW, brown nosing God/Karma rather than actually connecting to people, an investment for one's self rather than actually caring for others), and so on but are bitterly disappointed when it doesn't work out the way they'd hoped (but then they weren't truly giving, were they?). And of course no one wants to be taken advantage of.

IOW, it's not just that they give that makes them happy, but also that others recognize that in them and give back which makes them apart of a community. If they give but don't receive/take then they're generally not happy, just as if they take but don't give (so that most people keep them at a distance or treat them the same way and thus have no meaningful relationships to be apart of and thus alienated/lonely). The key isn't in the giving but rather the connecting in which give and take both play a part.

Sometimes I'm giving to strangers, sometimes not. I've volunteered at charities and my "random acts of kindness" got me listed as a sap to some (and some homeless people even began taking advantage of me until I saw it for what it was). And yet some sharing IS just about me feeling better, though I'm glad the others also enjoy it (like how sharing a comedy can make it that much funnier, how sharing good times make them better while sharing bad times make them more bearable and we want to do so for each other so that we can go back to sharing the good times and making them that much better, together). And when I do give purely for the sake of giving or serve others in which I gain no reward other than knowing it helped someone I don't apply many "shoulds" (like "I am helpful, therefore others should be helpful as well, and I should be rewarded") which helps. Otherwise I wouldn't gain much satisfaction from it.

A terrible nightmare in which I completely gave up made me realize that when I dropped all the "shoulds" (I should, People Should, Life Should, etc) then I was able to be a lot happier. Ever since then I make days in which I let go of all the "shoulds" and just have fun, which I've found makes my life better for doing so and essential to my long term happiness.

Yet life isn't about always being happy. The bad stuff helps me appreciate what's good. And many others as well. I liked the observation made by an Ancient Greek about how the rulers who lived their lives of unending ease and luxury were typically so miserable, but the peasants and such took much greater enjoyment in what they had. For example, the king has a feast everyday and becomes so jaded that it means nothing. The peasants have a feast on specific feast days and it becomes a carnival, and any feasts beyond that something they feel a lot of gratitude for, and they also shrugged off hardships a lot better than the king and people like that.

This view that Americans have that life should be happy all the time or they're "depressed" or "something is wrong" really is harmful and just makes them less able to enjoy the happiness they can have. As for me, I sometimes feel better thinking of the bad I survived when I feel low. If I remember being homeless then I can be happy with what I have while others just take such things (much grander to places to live at that) completely for granted so that it brings them no happiness. (But then feelings of entitlement are just another form of "should" that can become bitterly disappointing when it doesn't have to be.)

That aside, deferred pleasures are generally preferred to immediate gratification as well, which that article says but describes as "meaning" but I'd see as planning ahead. It can also be the joy of accomplishing that which is hard (and many mountain climbers wouldn't feel the same rush at the top if they just used a jet pack to get up there).

And I'm not sure what to make of the research cited (and wonder how much other legite research contradicts it, social science isn't one of the hard sciences after all). There are plenty of reasons for why America in general isn't as happy as say Norway or New Zealand which aren't directly related to meaning (and their "shoulds" or "meaning" could be depriving them of happiness as well), but OTOH the general sense of alienation as people do as they "should" working jobs they hate that are producing things or servicing in a way meant to be consumed and disposed of--hardly worthy to one's self-esteem, especially if you identify yourself by your job as many Americans do--and orbiting money rather than family, community, etc, is a good reason for many to feel alienated. But then plenty overcome that by joining various groups (churches, cults, subcultures, etc) which sometimes help and gives them a different way to view themselves and bond with people in more meaningful ways than around a water cooler by people who just come and go at a moment's notice in which you bond over something that doesn't really matter to you.

posted September 26, 2015 12:17 PM            

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posted September 30, 2015 01:39 PM            

Sorry for replying so late to you, Pixie. I agree with what you've said, I disliked that about the article too. I never thought happiness and meaningfulness are exclusive of each other, I thought they go hand in hand - which is why I asked "or both", when the article didn't give that possibility. It was too either/or for me. It never occurred to me to compare the two like this. The other thing I disliked was the "Americans vs Europeans" bit. It's not like that. Sure, maybe the mentalities are a bit different here and there but these are essential matters for one's own life.

I still do not know where I fit on the axis the article talks about. Parts of my life are community-oriented and thus, meaningful, others are more selfish, as they say. They always teach you that being selfish is bad. I disagree. You shouldn't be selfish all the time, in all circumstances, with that I agree. There must be balance, I say. There's nothing wrong with seeking happiness and making sure your own needs and desires are met.

posted September 30, 2015 01:44 PM            

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posted October 07, 2015 03:27 AM            

I looked up more for those interested, on Danish happiness:
http://www.cbsnews.com/news/and-the-happiest-place-on-earth-is/

From page 4:

quote:

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Ben-Shahar says Americans could learn a lot about happiness from the Danes. "It is about having realistic expectations. It's about not trying to fit in more than we can handle. We can't handle it all. We can't have it all. But we can have a lot," he says.

"You've lived in the states. You visited the states," Safer asked a man. "Would you live there?"

"It's got a grandness to it that you can never imagine here in Denmark. Because it's on a much larger scale. And the differences are much, much bigger. But I wouldn't want my children to grow up there," the man replied.

"Just describe for me the qualities that a successful person would have in this country," Safer asked.

"Well, in order to see myself as a success I would want to be happy and have a lot of time with my family. I think that's very important to me. And the money is not that important," he replied.

"It is more about the softer values, such as not being stressed, and feeling passionate about what I'm doing. 'Maybe this job is not gonna pay me a lot of money. But I'm gonna love getting up and doing it every day,'" another said.

Asked if one can equate money with happiness, a man told Safer, "No."

"If you have a sufficient amount of money, then I don't think it will make you a lot happier to get really rich. And we're already at a good level here in Denmark. So I don't think we'll be happier if we increase our wealth," another remarked.

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posted October 08, 2015 11:06 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Soltze:
I think the happiest ones are the ones who don't think about it.

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posted October 08, 2015 11:13 AM            

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posted October 09, 2015 09:34 PM            

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posted January 02, 2016 12:00 PM            

quote:

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The quality of your life is not determined by the quality of your positive experiences but the quality of your negative experiences. And to get good at dealing with negative experiences is to get good at dealing with life.

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posted January 02, 2016 04:48 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Soltze:
Ami,
Do you think 4 degrees is too wide for Sun trine NN?

I don't my only aspect to the nodes to be Mercury squaring them LOOL

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Just saw this, as I was thinking about this thread.

I am not sure, S.

I would say more ambient, but felt.

Happy New year

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