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Author
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Topic: Just....WtF is wrong with me!?
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whitewitch111
Knowflake Posts: 3128
From: Hillsboro, OR, USA
Registered: Jan 2013
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posted January 18, 2016 12:49 AM
  
Sometimes I get things in my head, the world is ending, the Holocaust is happening again...I have really come up with some wild **** too...Like I was Anne Frank and Anastasia in a past life...Or the world is ending...And then I just...I just hate myself....I just hate my life... Sometimes I think I'm insane, but other times I feel like I've been pushed to be insane. I've been mistreated a lot in my life....And I just think the world would be a better place without me. Because when I fight back, I fight back nasty, and for some reason end up hurting a lot of people. Not just the person I set out to hurt.
But then it makes me mad because I have every right to hurt that person, and everbody sides with them. I guess maybe...because I went to a liberal high school and a bunch of Mexican kids made me feel bad about myself...Like all the time, and the teachers never did anything to help me...
I think it' may be years of taking it...and feeling no power, whatsoever. It took my 20 years to feel any power at all...lol...and when I did...well.... Sometimes I make up memories in my mind to make my past sound better then it actually was.... I'm just a stupid, miserable, ugly person... And I don't like talking to people about it, because I don't like hugs...because they're either awkward, or half assed from the other person and leave me feeling even more miserable.....
I don't feel love...it really sucks...Although I give it at an alarming rate, the only time I really feel love is through sex...(sad...right..?) could that because of past molestation expieriences? I chase away all of my friends through my awkwardness, or ignoring their calls, or sending them away... I feel like I am crazy...I used to embrace my mental deficiencies as just part of who I was, who cared!? But now I see the world is especially cruel to people like me... And...yeah...I just hate myself... I let other people intimidate me, and I can't say no to someone even asking me for food. I eat my emotions...and get fat... I don't know proper emotional displays either. I struggle with emotion heavily. When I am happy around others I overdo/underdo it, because I really don't know the level of acceptable emotion to display.
I feel weighted down... When I cry, I cry way too much...and then get a headache and then sometimes throw up, The world has demonstrated it doesn't want me...so why doesn't it let me leave?
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whitewitch111
Knowflake Posts: 3128
From: Hillsboro, OR, USA
Registered: Jan 2013
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posted January 18, 2016 12:55 AM
I can't even get out of bed...Sometimes I get scared when I remember people yelling at me, whoever they were or however old I was.
And then I cry out of fear...I feel scared, but mostly sad... But what makes me sad is the fear I have of even leaving my house. And also for letting others treat me so bad in the past. I really just want to die.... I can't do this...I can't. There is not one person in the world I connect with on a deep intimate level, in anyway. I really only get that from a boyfriend and sex...And then I ******* ruin it, like I ruin everything. IP: Logged |
whitewitch111
Knowflake Posts: 3128
From: Hillsboro, OR, USA
Registered: Jan 2013
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posted January 18, 2016 01:04 AM
I'm in love with someone who would never love me back, and I dream of him coming back all the time...And I get ashamed because he wasn't very nice to me. I don't blame him though...Lol...I called him a faggot **** toy. If anyone is a **** toy I am...lol. Sometimes cutting or hitting, or banging is the only way I can keep from screaming or crying...I hate crying...lol...But do it all the time...or used to. I know I'm insane....God I just hurt so much...And I just don't even know what to do anymore.... Every expierience in life wether positive or negative reminds me of something sad/bad/traumatizing and then I get angry and rant, or get sad and cry, or get fearful and panic. Sometimes I get panic attacks lol. I don't know therapy doesn't help. It really never has. I'm just really done...I don't see any beauty in myself externally, and little internally. It's not selfish to commit suicide, it's selfish for people to make you want to stay. Especially if they aided in the decision to do so. IP: Logged |
whitewitch111
Knowflake Posts: 3128
From: Hillsboro, OR, USA
Registered: Jan 2013
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posted January 18, 2016 01:09 AM
Kids would be the only acception for it to be selfish....other then that..no...it's a release. A release from a never ending cycle of loneliness. IP: Logged |
whitewitch111
Knowflake Posts: 3128
From: Hillsboro, OR, USA
Registered: Jan 2013
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posted January 18, 2016 01:31 AM
100 bucks...wasted.... Lololol, wish I would have waited..IP: Logged |
Odette
Moderator Posts: 6594
From:
Registered: May 2012
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posted January 18, 2016 03:22 AM
Hi whitewitch,Would you be able to put up your birth chart?
I'd like to help, if I can. Do you lack earth planets in your chart? I have friends who have said some similar things to me about things they imagine or "get in their head" - who had a lack of earth... IP: Logged |
whitewitch111
Knowflake Posts: 3128
From: Hillsboro, OR, USA
Registered: Jan 2013
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posted January 18, 2016 12:03 PM
Ok, and yes I have a big lack of earth, only Neptune and Uranus are there, in the ninth house. Thank you! IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 66274
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 18, 2016 06:53 PM
I am so glad you are reaching out 
We are here for you. Keep talking  ------------------
Want to Read Simple, Fun,Sexy Articles on Astrology? Check Me Out, DUDE.
http://www.mychristianpsychic.com/
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Condoowit
Knowflake Posts: 54
From:
Registered: Apr 2014
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posted January 20, 2016 10:09 PM
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deepseastar
Knowflake Posts: 125
From:
Registered: Oct 2015
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posted January 21, 2016 03:27 PM
A few days ago you also posted that you were going through a bipolar depression phase. I've gone through the same thing, and although I know it's a terrible experience to be having right now, it will get better eventually. I hate the manic/depressive episodes with all my heart, but it's the value of those moments of clarity in between that inspire me to keep living. IP: Logged |
Soltze
Knowflake Posts: 1114
From:
Registered: Mar 2015
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posted January 23, 2016 06:09 AM
How are you whitewitch? Don't give up! Ever! I know you are in a dark place now. But there is a way out. I managed and so will you.There's always someone who cares and LL members are a proof of it. For all that's worth I'll keep you in my prayers. Ami is right: keep talking. Keeping things to yourself makes depression worse. IP: Logged |
whitewitch111
Knowflake Posts: 3128
From: Hillsboro, OR, USA
Registered: Jan 2013
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posted January 24, 2016 03:20 AM
Thank you Condooit, that would be very helpful. IP: Logged |
Condoowit
Knowflake Posts: 54
From:
Registered: Apr 2014
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posted January 26, 2016 07:50 AM
Whitewitch, I realized there are two contact numbers on the site. Call the second one. You can even text and we will set up a convenient time for a chat. Or you can email. I very much look forward to doing a healing.IP: Logged |
Lindaland
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