posted February 10, 2016 04:46 PM            

If I go weeks or months not communicating.. this person might miss me.. or wonder what was up - and ask me what was up.
But they would never do any of the following:

- assume that my lack of communication means something negative about *them*, e.g. that I just don't like them anymore...
- assume that I want to end my friendship with them
- think I am a jerk and breaking things off between us in a evasive way, without closure.
- try to get me back by being highly attention seeking, e.g. faking personal crisis
-try to hurt me by becoming passive-aggressive in some way.. over my absence... as though my absence was an attack on them - and they are now "counter-attacking"

etc. etc.

My friend very much *understands* that we have a friendship... that I am not going anywhere... and that I simply am living my life and will speak to them *again* later, when I can (as I always do). This doesn't need to be communicated. They JUST know.

And vice versa, when they had their own problems and they weren't able to talk for a while... I likewise NEVER in a million years assumed that this said something negative about me or about our friendship.
I assumed they had other problems, which was the reality - as it turned out.

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Now... I have a newer friend who I've formed a very close emotional connection to pretty quickly in time... We have a karmic bond that I cannot explain in so many words. Too many strange things happened and I know that this connection is fated - whether it will be positive or negative... it's here to stay - and it's not going anywhere.

So I want to find a way to make this connection healthy, not toxic ^. And I want it to be a friendship, not romantic. He is cool with this also.

My problem is that I have a busy life.. I have a lot to do.. and I absolutely do not communicate with anyone at all in my life - on a daily basis.. or even on a regular basis. Having to do this feels like a chore to me. It feels like work.
I don't want to feel "obligated" to constantly talk to someone.
Just thinking about it ^ gives me an instant headache. It makes me feel very very tired.

I need something like - 5 energy drinks and coffee... to get back to my normal energy levels after I talk to someone SO MUCH.
This might be because I lack air in my chart. Or it might be the extrovert vs introvert, psychological distinction. I'm usually bang in the middle on those psych tests.. but I consider myself more introverted.. because people drain my energy (even people I love! My feelings for them, don't change a thing).

So this constant talking thing - is *damn* exhausting from my pov :\ ... And I can't afford to be exhausted because I have a lot to do!

This new person in my life is someone I do like a lot and I also like talking to him. I genuinely care about him. I always like our conversations.. That's not the issue.

I mean.. if we were on a deserted island.. and it was just the two of *us* - and I had nothing else to do - then SURE.. I would talk to him for hours daily.. no problems. He would never bore me. He's very entertaining.

But since I'm busy and have other things to do, plus there are also some extra things that are difficult for me to deal with right now..... and since I'm also someone who needs space and needs to unwind after a day's work - my "lets talk all the time" - ability... is limited...

The problem is that he takes this very personally and gets offended. He thinks , first of all - that since we get along so well and we both like each other - if I had a problem, I could always talk to him *about* it. However, I DO NOT talk about my problems. This is not how I deal.
I need SPACE. I don't need to talk. I just need space!

He, on the other hand... feels like he can "tell me anything" - which is great and I'm glad he trusts me. I do trust him back. The issue is - that I simply need space... not that I don't trust him enough to "tell him anything".

The reason I titled this thread "I just don't get it..." is because thsi is becoming really frustrating. We both want to have a long term, maybe lifelong friendship.. and have a lot of Saturn going on. I simply do not understand... why he has to take it so personally if I don't talk to him - all the time.... as though "it's about him" - when it's not.. and he acts weird towards me.

It's genuinely upsetting.. I'm not sure how to resolve this situation...

posted February 10, 2016 04:58 PM            

So.. because of my own baggage.. I interpret a lot of things that have been happening in that light...

For instance, when it comes to my ex with BPD.... (this was before I found out he had BPD)... when I tried to have a conversation with him about the fact that I really can't be with him *all* the time.. and that this tires me -- His reaction was very self-victimising.. like "Oh right... I get it.. I tire you... Ok... Well I am so sorry to tire you so much.... *insert pouts and a lot of guilt tripping*"

posted February 10, 2016 05:09 PM            

And also, on his FB page he had one ex relationship where... he thought she was perfect.. and then made the comment: "You used to be so perfect - what ever happened?"

^^ These are also all BPD traits.
They put people on a huge pedestal and then freak out when the person falls off.. They go from seeing you as "all good" to "all bad". It's always good vs bad... with no grey or rainbow.

However... people with BPD, like my ex - usually have a history of failed relationships for this reason. When I asked my ex about his other gfs -he had this eerie story about how they were all great in the beginning until their masks fell off - and how he was always the victim in the situation... and he always had such horrible bad luck in his love life... until he met *me*...

My new friend however - has had a mixed bag of relationships - some positive.. some not... and he also had a long-term - 4 year engagement with ONE person (which someone with BPD would nearly never be able to achieve..without much psychological treatment).

So I think its' very likely that my new friend.. is just a normal person - who is acting out his chart tendencies... and occasionally does this "putting people on a pedestal" thing - as he can be idealistic (sagittarius/pisces) --- but not as a result of mental illness.

Also.. he does have positive things to say about exes... He does not paint them as "all bad" or negative... as the BPD guy did.. nor does he victimise himself.

Sigh...

Ok... I have a question...

posted February 10, 2016 05:59 PM            

The other thing that bothers me.. is that - I feel like I need to apologise and say "sorry" if I don't talk to him for even a day.. and give him some sort of explanation.

Almost like - if he was my boss/employer... and I had to explain my absence from work Lol...
My Moon is on his Saturn... which could be why...

He has never "made me" give him an explanation... but I feel like he is pouting and being 'weird' towards me... unless I do.

And honestly..... I don't normally feel like this is a social "requirement"... I mean there are many friends and people who I might not speak to.. including close friends... and I won't feel like - I need to give them a step by step explanation and profusely apologise.

posted February 10, 2016 06:31 PM            

Maybe it's just earth moon vs water moon...

I have a feeling that what's happening now with me.. is similar with what you went through with your Aquarius/Cancer Moon ex gf.

posted February 10, 2016 08:06 PM            

You said that breaking it off isn't an option. To me it seems like you're trapped in this circle. And it's dragging up previous bad experiences, which only adds even more stress.

It seems that the problem is more deep rooted, and it's not just because you guys don't talk often. I thought of saying that maybe you wanted to give them a little more - like sending them some texts every week or something. But then I thought better of it, and I don't think "giving them more" would solve the problem.

Heh personally, I think you gotta get out of this circle. End it, make it swift and clean. Geez living with this kind of constant stress probably will hurt more in the long run.

posted February 10, 2016 08:18 PM            

I think in my case the air void makes it difficult to *not* put all of me into whatever I'm doing. Everything is very personal with me, including my interactions with others. So I have a hard time detaching from the other person's state of being. I instinctively think that if I sense that someone else is the slightest bit uncomfortable, then it's my job to be warm and sunny and enthusiastic so that we can both be ok. But yes this is very draining and enabling their neediness.

posted February 10, 2016 09:09 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by aquaguy91:
Haha,
Honestly it would depend on who the person was and how often we talked. If it was someone I talked to everyday and they suddenly ghosted I would probably be weirded out.

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posted February 11, 2016 09:44 AM            

I think Chiron in the 12th comes in here. I think you PICK UP pain from people and then go into a shut down mode, through no fault of your own.

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