posted March 02, 2016 12:57 PM            

I work in an industry where we help sell goods for people.
At the end of the event clients pick up their checks.
It is my job to keep everything sold in line, check people out, and cash clients out.

Sometimes this male client buys and sometimes he sells.

Before the event I and another co-worker have a small job of interacting with customers to help open up the event.
Usually at this point my boss is not there but there are other coworkers around mingling with the crowd.

The first time I noticed something odd with this man was after a couple months of working there. I was writing his check and I asked him who to make it out to. He kept beating around the bush, I guess so he could keep the conversation going.

I stayed polite and smiled and laughed at his jokes, but it was dragging on I started going through our files to look up his information when he said, "I dont know, just make it out to whomever"
As I continued to look I let out a little laugh and said, "Alright, Im just going to make it out to myself then..."
He replied something to the effect of, "not unless Id be buying you for the night."
I thought to myself, wait, did he just really say that, when he continued on with something like, "mm, all the things Id do to you..."

It was so low and hushed and I honestly couldnt wrap my mind around the fact this older man really just said that to me.
I just kind of huffed it off as I pulled out his info, finished his check, and handed it to him.
I remained professional through the whole thing.
Now when it comes time to give him checks I just call my boss or my other male coworker over to give to him, but I still have to deal with him when checking him out. :/

I have told 2 co-workers of the incident and they have kept an eye on the man.
Hes usually pretty sneaky with his comments though.
For example, Ill walk by and in a low creepy voice he says things like, "Beautiful, just beautiful", to which I just awkwardly smile and keep walking, at a faster pace.
Hell make comments to other men as I walk by like, "Look at that pretty young thing right there, mmm!"
I dont even want to make eye contact to see who hes saying it to.

Last night when a co-worker and I were on the floor, beginning the event, he took a completely unnecessary route to get from one side to the other.
My coworker and I usually stand between a table and a counter. The man just nonchalantly said excuse me to my coworker, who not even thinking stepped out of the way, which left the man squeezing behind me and the counter, just so he could spoon me as he brushed up against me.
To the unknowing eye it looked innocent enough, like a man trying to squeeze by, but he didnt need to take that route.
As soon as it happened and he was out of ear shot my two co-workers said, "He just did that so he could touch you."
I said I know and we all kind of shook our heads and awkwardly moved on, turning our attention back to the crowd.

People flirting is something that is going to happen, it happens every time I work. I just smile and remain courteous because I understand that is how some people are.
But something with this man sends off every alarm bell in my body.

Hes dark. Its like I can see this dark aura around him..
He puts knots in my stomach when I see him.
He reminds of a stalker. I seriously could see him waiting to follow me home to see where I live, or the kind of guy that knocks a girl out from behind.
Maybe that is a little bit of an exaggeration, but I dont want to let my guard down around this man.

I just dont know if, when, and how I should tell my boss. I dont want him to feel the pressure that he should immediately ban him, I actually want him to witness the creepiness so he feels justified in whatever decision he makes on how to handle it.
I also dont want to bring it to his attention in front of all our co-workers, which is usually the only time I see him.
I dont want it to be in text or over the phone because to me that is awkward and my boss and I just dont have that kind of back and forth.
Yesterday was the perfect time because it was just him, one of my co-workers who witnesses his creep status, and myself riding to a job but the last incident where he felt the need to brush up against my rear end hadnt occurred and it wasnt in my mind.

...but still, how do you bring it up?
Is it silly to bring it up?
Why hold this one particular man accountable when other men (who arent creepy) tell me I look nice today or that I look pretty?

From what Ive heard my boss already got a TON of flack from an employee for hiring me, accusing him of doing it "because of my looks". That person ended up actually quitting because of it.
One co-worker has told me my boss is very pleased with my work because I am fast learning, hard working, and a trust worthy employee, so I know I am in good standing on that end.
I just dont want my boss to feel like I am a further burden because he feels like he needs to baby sit me due to male clients. I can handle myself in almost every situation, its just this one man that creeps me out to no end.

This is my first job in alost 10 years, Ive been working it 8 months and its a small family business so I just dont know whats normal, whats not normal, what I need to accept, when to keep my mouth shut, when to say something....

posted March 02, 2016 02:31 PM            

Second, I understand not wanting to cause some sort of scandal at work, but this can make you too accomodating, and you should try not to appear shy and intimidated when that guy is around. The problem is that this appearence would increase his perception of you as a sort of "prey". I used to have difficulty being unkind and cold to such people in the past myself, and have paid the price for it often enough, so by now I'd say, try to change the dynamics of these encounters as early on as possible.

For example, when I catch someone staring at me in the evening, e.g. on public transport, I stare right back at them. Just a stare without blinking, with an unfriendly/borderline aggressive look on my face. People tell me I can have quite the evil stare and I try my best to let it out full force in such situations. Usually the other side can't take that for long and flinches at some point, and that usually is enough to break the dynamics. They go looking elsewhere and I'm left alone. However, it's too late for that in your case and more difficult also, because the person is a customer, not a complete stranger. You must, however, nevertheless not flinch, and you must not let him intrude into your personal space under any circumstances. Stand your ground. Don't ever let him touch you again. If he tries, either move away before he reaches you and react very disapprovingly. Better yet, "accidentally" hurt him, e.g. by stepping on his toes with your heel...then, if he reacts with pain, apologize profusely but make very sure it hurt him bad before you even apologize with something like: "So sorry, I never saw you were standing so close!".

Less combative example: Once an older colleague, who had a very "dark aura" as you put it and was up to no good, put his hand on my arm and let it lie there, trying to create some sort of intimacy while talking to me in a confidential tone. All I did in that situation was looking down right at that hand and staring at it, without speaking, until he finally became visibly insecure and took it off. He never tried that again with me.

The best thing would be to let your colleagues know about your problem with that customer, and to ask them to serve him. Minimize the contact. When that guy next time comments on your looks, don't again pretend you didn't hear him. Rather, look up, look him square in the eyes, and ask, in a low but cold tone: "Were you speaking to me? What do you even mean by that? Does this have anything to do with your business here? Or are you just trying to make us employees uncomfortable while serving you?" Then continue to stare and wait for him to answer. He probably won't be able to... But if that isn't enough to discourage him, be more and more unkind every time. Say something like, "I would like to return that compliment, but unfortunately, I can't." However, if all else fails and the person persists despite your coldness/unresponsiveness, you must get yourself protection. For instance, ask a strong male friend to pick you up at work and take you home on a day when you expect that customer to be there. If he thinks that's your boyfriend, even better. Some creeps back off immediately when they sense their "prey" is under the "protection" of a stronger man. It seems to be a primal thing and as much as I hate it, sometimes one has to face these things as they are; and what counts is that this bad behavior stops before it gets out of hand.

posted March 02, 2016 03:09 PM            

Its his company and this industry relies heavily on word of mouth and reputation.
Its full of gossip and "scandal" and Id hate for a bad reputation to get around that my boss has rude employees.
He prides himself on running an honest company with great staff.
But he also prides himself on having top notch customers too..

I just dont want to get the reputation of being "rude" like the last employee (the one who quit) had. She is known all over the local industry for being overtly rude (not for the same reasons). Im just scared it could easily get turned around on me if I dont let the boss know whats going on.

I just hate hate hate confrontation.

I think Im going to ask my male co-workers to make sure something like the last incident doesnt happen again.
Maybe it will help bide me time until an opportune moment comes up to speak to my boss.

posted March 02, 2016 03:38 PM            

Yes, you should definitely ask around and try to find out more about whether that is "normal" behavior for that guy. The more you know about the person the better, it helps make a more realistic assessment of the situation.

I totally understand your reluctance to behaving and to being seen as rude. I hate rudeness in others and myself as well, and have often been too docile as a result. The truth is that there are some situations that call for a clear stance, and the true mastery lies in being upfront and crystal clear without being overly rude. But that's difficult to accomplish in a split-second and when in doubt, protecting yourself should be seen as the more important thing.

Putting it differently: Do you think that politeness requires you being made to feel like a piece of meat at your place of work, or having your personal space violated by some stranger? Think about it - who's being rude here?

Given the overall situation, maybe you should try to work with body-language and other non-verbal signals first to avoid being accused of having misbehaved. It's much more difficult to tell stories about someone's movement or look than reporting something they said. And it really is amazing what little things like that can already accomplish.

Here's another example, just for contemplation. A business woman had this problem with a very extravert and dominant male colleague who always would come into her office unannounced as if he owned the place, and who would always first thing put his keys on her desk (which she perceived as an intrusion into her work space), then sit down and talk to her, not caring at all whether he was disturbing her or not. She was at a complete loss how to stop this behavior without appearing rude, bitchy or difficult, and finally talked to someone about it. They gave her advice how to handle the situation, which she followed:

posted March 02, 2016 03:48 PM            

One of the co-workers who witnessed what happened is family, which is why I believe coming from a trusted source might be a better way of starting this off on getting handled.

posted March 02, 2016 03:55 PM            

Yes, talk to the boss and to every coworker you can trust. Give them license to help you, make it clear it's not amusing.

And yes, ponder away. The more scenarios you are mentally prepared for, the better your reaction will be when it actually happens.
And every time you encounter that guy - imagine yourself as an impenetrable fortress - as the rock of Gibraltar - as a fearsome predator - or whatever mental image helps you assume an upright and fearless poise. These nonverbal signals are very primal, just observe how animals react to them. That's why they tell you not to show fear when a large dog is sniffing your feet etc.

posted March 02, 2016 04:02 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by saggysaturn:
Thank you for the encouraging advice!!
It has helped my inner strength knowing that other people think this behavior is not "normal" and that it is okay for something to be done.

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posted March 02, 2016 06:51 PM            

If there aren't enough men, then always have a witness. They don't have to be announced as such, just someone else "to help" That alone would probably discourage him from even coming back, once he figured that was what he could expect, and thereby eliminating the need for such.

As for reporting him...if there's only one bad apple in the cart then that shouldn't be a problem (some bosses may not appreciate being kept in the dark, by the way), the only way it looks bad for reasonable people is if you're the only one getting harassed and it's happening over and over (that is, this guy did it so he's gone, then another guy does it, so he's gone, and repeat down a string of guys), or otherwise seems as if you're just begging for attention (and going by what you posted, that shouldn't be what is figured on).

posted March 02, 2016 10:35 PM            

The man isnt there every time I work, but probably 75% of the time.

I told my significant other tonight about whats going on, he also thinks I need to say something to make him stop.
We didnt get to talk deep in depth about it because we had a dinner date with family and other times were around our children.
:/

posted March 19, 2016 12:41 AM            

I told one of my male coworkers what had happened and he would not let that guy be around me.
At one point I was super busy looking down writing information down when out of the corner of my eye I saw this coworker coming towards me. I looked up and was completely surprised to see this man peeking over the counter, staring at me, literally staring...
My coworker got in his line of view and told him hed have to deal with the other lady because I was busy and could not be disturbed.

We sold some of the mans things and he asked for his check early.
Because he asked for it early not everything that had sold was accounted for.

My coworker had to step away for a moment. That split second moment that guy walked up to me while I was super busy and trying to keep up with what my boss was telling me.
At some point he was reaching out to touch me, despite me moving backwards to avoid the touch. He literally extended his arm fully, as it followed me.
I was being polite when I told him I couldnt hear him he would have to speak with the other lady who was in charge of that.
He said, "well here!" and ripped up the check and all his information in my face and tossed it.

My female co-worker turned around and asked why there was a torn check and papers I told her what he did.
Boy, she was mad.
After everything was done she called the boss up. When he saw all the ripped up stuff and asked what it was she told him what happened and he needed to deal with it because we were done.

Him and my boss started going back and forth about what happened.
He acted like he did nothing wrong and we were the ones catching attitude and even told my coworker to keep her mouth shut, despite her being very polite in a hostile moment.

Ugh, I was literally shaking and sick to my stomach.
The man was paid and left. Afterwords when my boss got the full story and heard what hed done in my previous posts he said he was banned and would not be stepping foot back in the building.

posted March 20, 2016 09:59 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Valentine:
I'm glad that your boss has been supportive, be on your guard though, as this creep sounds like he could be dangerous.

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