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Author
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Topic: What does one do
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charlie
Knowflake Posts: 3683
From:
Registered: Jun 2012
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posted May 07, 2016 12:55 PM
  
when one's husband spends more time hating his ex wife than loving his current? And what does one do when one brings this up and response is "you imagine things" or " you're sensitive" or "you're exaggerating" ? IP: Logged |
DopGang
Knowflake Posts: 2288
From: INTJ
Registered: Jun 2015
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posted May 07, 2016 04:33 PM
Well, my advice may go against what you actually feel. If it were me I'd be very kind and curious. I'd encourage him to talk about it and state that you just want to listen. That you just want to have him get things off his chest with no judgment from you. (I mean that I would let him know these things)
If you come across as irritated and questioning him then you will get what you're getting. Which maybe you're doing what I'm suggesting and still getting those responses from him anyway.
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PixieJane
Moderator Posts: 7943
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted May 07, 2016 06:15 PM
If I wanted to see if I was imagining it then I'd start noting it in some little notebook or app (time, date, and a line that might best describe it, or even just "ex blitz" meaning everything he can think of) as well as when he seemed focused on me. Granted, it wouldn't surprise me if there was a lot of overlap there.As for helping him get over it, the first thing that comes to mind is EMDR which more than one has used to combat PTSD and generally swear by it. It's not a cure, but it does generally lessen symptoms, and can also be used for things like anxiety. And one told me that her guy who always talked bitterly about his past all the time talked about it a lot less after a few months of this (this being over 10 years later). So maybe it can help here as well. Of course, that assumes his ex isn't currently antagonizing him (which he could be exacerbating, though then again, sometimes not responding to being antagonized can escalate the sitch, as some would literally rather be loathed and hated rather than ignored). I don't mean if he has to make child support payments or some such as part of the conditions of his divorce, but that she's going out of her way to make him miserable with harassment, mind games, and even seeking out conflict. In which case, his anger at her could also be protectiveness to you as well. And maybe he SHOULD be angry. IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 67357
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted May 07, 2016 07:40 PM
Yea, I hate when you KNOW something and someone denies it. It is called Gaslighting lol------------------
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charlie
Knowflake Posts: 3683
From:
Registered: Jun 2012
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posted May 08, 2016 02:18 AM
I'll respond to you all: 1: she's making her daughter close to anorexic by telling her she's gluten intolerant, lactose intolerant, fruit is bad, cookies are bad, candy is bad, nuts are bad, bread is bad, all food except hers is bad. We can barely get her to eat anything besides ice cream. Mom suffered from bad anorexia between ages 13-20. 2: she's telling her daughter that her dad (my husband) shouldn't travel because they might "take him" (my husband is from Palestine) and thus making her daughter truly believe, and worry, that everytime we travel for work he'll go to jail for being an Arab. Kids at school are also taunting her for this. 3: she's taking daughter to the doctor everytime she feels bad and doc gives her heartburn medicin for grown ups without running tests first. 4: she sends smss ALL THE TIME with various "you HAVE to do this" and "you HAVE to do that" and "can you give me money so that I can pay off my credit cards" 5: she lies about everything (have caught her many times) Example: she says daughter is home when she's actually sleeping elsewhere. Custody says she have to notify my husband where daughter is at all times. 6: she tries to send daughter (8 years old with a development of a 5 year old) alone in a cab for over 30 miles because she's to lazy to take daughter to us herself. 7: she tries to dump her daughter with her new boyfriend whom daughter has never met so that she can "run errands". And finally: 8: it has now gotten so far that teachers at school, after many hysterical phone calls about her daughter being sick, have now engaged an outside psychologist for daughter. These are just a few "highlights".. I mean, it's bad, but there comes a point where One wonders where One fits in! Your rightful response should be: well, Charlie, you had a choice to not get involved with this man from the get-go! I had no choice because he kept me in the dark for almost a year before I caught on. He was very particular, I've understood now, from the beginning NOT to tell me about ex-wife because yes, I'd have run for the ******* hills! IP: Logged |
Elysia
Knowflake Posts: 1387
From: Gotham
Registered: Aug 2015
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posted May 12, 2016 04:26 PM
Wait, he didn't tell you he had an ex-wife or he didn't tell you what she was like?IP: Logged |
charlie
Knowflake Posts: 3683
From:
Registered: Jun 2012
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posted May 13, 2016 12:55 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Elysia:
Wait, he didn't tell you he had an ex-wife or he didn't tell you what she was like?
Latter IP: Logged |
Elysia
Knowflake Posts: 1387
From: Gotham
Registered: Aug 2015
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posted May 13, 2016 01:39 PM
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Valentine
Knowflake Posts: 621
From: Canada
Registered: Dec 2014
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posted May 21, 2016 03:41 AM
charlie, how are you doing now? IP: Logged |
charlie
Knowflake Posts: 3683
From:
Registered: Jun 2012
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posted May 21, 2016 04:56 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Valentine:
charlie, how are you doing now?
I don't know actually. Things are just unraveling at an alarming speed! I'm usually very good at reading universal "signs" but I see NOTHING. It's like falling through Dante's hells and the walls are too slippery to cling on too.. IP: Logged |
Lindaland
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