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Author Topic:   Demisexuality?
andstuff
Knowflake

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posted July 18, 2016 05:02 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for andstuff     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Sorry if this has been discussed here before

Basically I happened upon the term and did a bit of reading, and it kind of struck a chord, so I was wondering if anyone has perhaps known people who were that way? Was it in general more difficult for them to find love as opposed to everyone else? Is it generally more traumatic for them to exist in these days' (western) society? Really any thoughts/insight would be more than welcome

(The definition goes: people who are only sexually attracted to another person if they are in love/feel a strong emotional connection, interest in autoerotic practices and visual erotica in general can vary from zero to strong)

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Aunt Anomalia
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posted July 18, 2016 05:25 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Aunt Anomalia     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Is it difficult for YOU?

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PixieJane
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posted July 18, 2016 06:31 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I've known demisexual and asexual, and consider myself demisexual.

First, let's get some common confusion out of the way: demisexuality is NOT about behavior, it's about how attraction works for you. You can be celibate (which is refusing to act on sexual impulses), but that doesn't make you asexual (which lacks those sexual impulses in the first place), and an asexual can sell her body to survive, but that doesn't make her hypersexual or even heterosexual as her BEHAVIOR is based on survival needs rather than instinctive sexual needs. And if you're attracted to say guys you've just met and find them hot, but refuse to have sex until you "have a connection" (or otherwise think it's okay by your playbook), then you're not demisexual. A demisexual would not be attracted to strange guys in the first place, so using dating apps and going to the club would be about useless, because no one would attract them to "get to know better to see if we can take it further."

On that same note, demisexuals are not "morally superior." Demisexual is how someone is wired, not their romantic and sexual practices that they choose. If anything, the person who overcomes their natural sexual desires to behave in a somewhat chaste way is "morally superior" to the demisexual who does the same thing naturally as the normal-sexual actually had to exert strength of will to do so.

Another common misconception is that demisexuals and asexuals are prudes or unable to admit to their own desires. While I expect some may be prudish (though I've never met one), they are not "holding back" out of inhibition, but because they're simply not attracted. Sex normally isn't a big deal to them, and they can talk casually about it in an academic way and without prudery, perhaps because it doesn't hold so much power over them that it subconsciously scares them. (I know one asexual substitute teacher who was frequently called in to give the sex ed part of a class as the other teachers felt awkward, but she shrugged and did so. The kids sometimes tried to shock or rattle her, but it never worked.)

Another misconception is that they are schizoid. But most of those I know don't display schizoid tendencies, though I could see how even someone schizoid might see him or herself as demisexual or even asexual, or vice versa (I expect someone with a very low sex drive or demisexual could easily be misdiagnosed with this, too).

Overall, people are different with mental and physical traits that vary widely, which should not be seen as a radical concept, but often is, as if people were simple products off a conveyor belt in some factory rather than the mysterious, complex beings that we are, and even identical twins brought up together can show differences in abilities and inclinations. Some people have much higher or lower sex drives than other people, and different people are attracted to different things. Demisexuality is just one possible result of this, and should not be surprising or stigmatized.

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PixieJane
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posted July 18, 2016 06:41 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Is it more difficult for me? No. If anything, it makes life easier with less drama because I'm not compelled to mix with strangers with my lusts to lie to me (and urge me to lie to others) that just beg for trouble (as so many others get).

Generally speaking, other asexuals and demisexuals agree with me on this, but some of them (especially the older women) may have felt a pressure to get married and have kids to be "Complete." This did create problems for a few (of the few), but overall they still preferred to be who they were rather than what they were "supposed" to be. I don't think it was "traumatic" for any of us.

As for me, I don't need someone to orbit (or to orbit me) to feel like I'm worth something. This is probably due to my upbringing, which included some independent and assertive women, a grandmother who never married, and the media I preferred in which female characters had as many varied interests and inclinations as guys which was usually treated as ordinary (so romance might be important to them but so were many other things, and it wasn't an obligation or destiny). That means I don't feel I MUST have love or I am worthless, and I've got plenty of other interests to keep my occupied. If so many others hadn't pursued me then I'd have spent much of my life single and been completely okay with that (as long as I have my close friends).

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andstuff
Knowflake

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posted July 19, 2016 11:03 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for andstuff     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Aunt Anomalia:
Is it difficult for YOU?


No, per se it probably isn't. Being that AND a natural born empath might be a bit of a challenge =)

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andstuff
Knowflake

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posted July 19, 2016 11:07 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for andstuff     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hi PixieJane,

THanks for your comments. Yes, I understand it's about desire (or lack thereof) as opposed to actual sexual activity and decisions re: sleeping with someone (or religious restrictions or whatever).

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Aunt Anomalia
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posted July 19, 2016 12:05 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Aunt Anomalia     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Being that AND a natural born empath might be a bit of a challenge =)

Oh. I can imagine how uncomfortable it is to feel someone's lust directed at you. You have at least 1 hard Neptune aspect, don't you? Btw, are you able to find men very handsome (in a purely aesthetical way)?

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andstuff
Knowflake

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posted July 19, 2016 01:12 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for andstuff     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Aunt Anomalia:
Oh. I can imagine how uncomfortable it is to feel someone's lust directed at you. You have at least 1 hard Neptune aspect, don't you? Btw, are you able to find men very handsome (in a purely aesthetical way)?



Yeah, precisely! I found myself in the arms of guys I wasn't in love with and who were objectifying me once or twice, that was... enough not to try ever again.

And yes, I'm very visual, so I LOVE watching good-looking people (men and women, doesn't matter).

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Aunt Anomalia
Knowflake

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posted July 19, 2016 01:31 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Aunt Anomalia     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm not sure if I understood you but good luck with shunning horny guys.

quote:
And yes, I'm very visual, so I LOVE watching good-looking people (men and women, doesn't matter).
And now I'm smelling Libra

If someone appeals to you aesthetically, do you think it helps you become sexually attracted to them? Does the appearance play any role in your decision to give someone a chance?

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Randall
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posted July 20, 2016 04:35 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I learned a lot from this thread.

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andstuff
Knowflake

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posted July 21, 2016 04:26 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for andstuff     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Aunt Anomalia:
And now I'm smelling Libra

If someone appeals to you aesthetically, do you think it helps you become sexually attracted to them? Does the appearance play any role in your decision to give someone a chance?


Funnily enough, I don't have any Libra placements. So I don't know =)

I don't know about looks or if it helps. My truest love so far was somewhat average looking. Guess it would be nice to enjoy looking at a person I'd fall in love with and engage in sensual practices with. I have never questioned myself whether the 2 are related. You know perhaps more like Descartes described the universe, the spiritual processes unfold separately from the physical ones and we perceive them as interrelated because they coincide in time.

I can see looks helping romantic attraction though, but once again, I have found myself totally disregarding looks if I felt emotionally involved.

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Randall
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posted July 25, 2016 11:57 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by andstuff:
Funnily enough, I don't have any Libra placements. So I don't know =)

I don't know about looks or if it helps. My truest love so far was somewhat average looking. Guess it would be nice to enjoy looking at a person I'd fall in love with and engage in sensual practices with. I have never questioned myself whether the 2 are related. You know perhaps more like Descartes described the universe, the spiritual processes unfold separately from the physical ones and we perceive them as interrelated because they coincide in time.

I can see looks helping romantic attraction though, but once again, I have found myself totally disregarding looks if I felt emotionally involved.


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