posted July 25, 2016 09:47 AM            

I was in so much shock that the world was a dream and I was not even in it.

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posted July 25, 2016 02:39 PM            

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posted July 27, 2016 03:15 PM            

I was supposed to go first, and we were never supposed to fight. I wish the past four years hadn't happened. She was an amazing woman, who always did her best for her family. I told her five years ago, when I was sick, and laying next to her with my head on her shoulder, that I could never handle losing her and dad. She basically kindly told me to suck it up, that everyone goes through it, that she lost her dad when she was something like nineteen, and lost her mum when she was the age I am now (that freaked me out more than once this year - especially when she was in the hospital, and the night we lost her).

I can't remember what I was so depressed about before - aside from the family stuff. My anger was out of fear, and the loss we'd already endured, and what I feared losing (her, dad, and whomever I have left - basically them). I'm talking to my sister again, but still having trouble there, because the whole reason I started arguing with my mother was that she wouldn't stop my sister from doing what she was doing (and then she joined in with certain things). I keep thinking back and wondering why I didn't just give her a hug, instead of yelling, and taking things personally. I used to be able to sort things out calmly with her, and pretty fast. Because she was the most important part of my life - my family were, but we were like Lorelai and Rory Gilmore. That's why I started watching the show with her. And now it's premiering on Netflix, five days before her birthday, and I don't think I can watch it. We at least had a good Thanksgiving, last year, after adopting our dog that she wanted. He made her happy. That whole week was good. I'm glad that we had it.

posted July 27, 2016 06:28 PM            

You might be living in a kind of shock state for a while. It might take a while, but things will begin to thaw, eventually. It's okay.

Over this next month, you'll cycle and cycle and cycle. Crying, numbness, angry feelings, bursting into waves of tears like having your back to the ocean. ... Suck it up??? No. That's not right. Maybe the two of you spoke in 'code' with that, so you would understand more of what she actually meant by that? ---- Do NOT expect yourself to "just" suck it up.... You need to cry it out, process those layers, or else???, it can make you physically ill. Don't hold back. GIVE yourself permission to CRY, and to howl like a baby, and curl all up in a ball.

Surround yourself with Comfort things--- like a very very soft afghan blanket. Make sure you rest, and have that time to be alone and feel all the feelings, and watch all the pictures and memories that will flood your head and emotions.

Write..., PAMPER yourself. Go slowly in this world right now. Take pressure off, as much as you can. Grief is solitary. AND, it is a group experience with the family that remains.

Some families in grief will fight, Teasel. Some will grieve by vomiting some of the ugliest things you'd EVER think you'd hear from another human being that you thought you knew.

And sometimes, when they say those things, there's a part of themselves that IS aware that they are being UGLY, saying things that they REALLY don't mean at all, and yet in a ~weird way, they do??? But that's THEIR process, sweetie.... And YOU have sooo much crying of your own, and angry feelings of your own to go through..... ...... {hug}

You may be surprised at some of the things that erupt now--- from yourself, from way deep inside you. From your Sister..... Both of you need to come into some kind of pact, if you can, that you pre-forgive, and just hug hug hug, like you showed you figured out in one of the sentences you wrote above. ... That's exactly right. You figured out something very very key... {{{hug}}} ..... Sometimes people argue about things?, and they aren't EVEN arguing about the shallow little gripey bitychy thing they rat on about. .... Sometimes?, it's as simple to "just diffuse it" by a hug, or a soft word.... Don't ascribe intention to every bad thing you hear come out of mouths.... Sometimes, it's just that person's way of saying, I HURT. I howling hurt sooo badly --- and I can't deal with myself right now.... ....

And I know that you might be the one feeling like that too, Teasel.... I send you Warm Afghan Blanket of extreme softness and cuddle and warmth and all the melting Love I can infuse into it. .... *rocking you, rocking you*

It's okay to cry, and to be a mess. Be strong-enough for the moments you need to?, but go ahead and sometimes NOT be strong... Not be strong at all....

This is YOU, and YOUR LIFE.... and Your Life is soooooo sooooo Precious, young daughter.... Be Loved. Be Comforted..... You Are So Valuable... (And I'm Proud of you.)

Let this old christmascarol be my Heart Song to you. It's piano.... it's a lullaby. I'm soooo sorry, Teasel... I will hold you, and we will rock (in the ethers).

And you will get through this....

I hadn't talked to my dad in decades. When I found out by short sentence in an email that he had died 4 days before the communication, --- even though we hadn't spoken in YEARS --- it STILL affect me in the DEEPEST DEEPST ways. .... There are LAYERS to it, Teasel. And anniversary times are hard too....

Gilmore Girls..... awwwww! I loved that show.

You'll be Okay...... You ARE doing the right things!! Thanks for sharing with us.

{{{ }}}

posted October 24, 2016 01:15 PM            

I'm about to turn 29, and the Saturn Return took away my father. I hope that I can grow now... I feel that this is the main thing about his pass away...

posted October 25, 2016 10:39 AM            

As MUCH as you love him, I am just CERTAIN how much HE Loves You Back, and appreciates EVERYTHING you (and your mum) did for him. It WAS noted, and He Loves You soooooo Much. He'll Be There in the backgrounds of your life. You might miss him in the mortal realms, but he IS in the mist of the history-- past and forward-- of your Beautiful Life.

Know this...

Sending you Heart and Soul Hugs.... Be Comforted. Stay Safe.........

posted October 25, 2016 11:57 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by CosmiqPhuz:
I'm so sorry, everybody...

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posted October 26, 2016 10:12 AM            

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