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Author
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Topic: I am not enough
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Dancing Maenad
Moderator Posts: 4283
From: The Harvest
Registered: Mar 2014
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posted September 16, 2016 06:29 PM
  
I recently met someone who, indirectly, triggered that feeling that I am not enough. He initially showered me with compliments and attention, then he promised he will write more the second day, which he did not. I started to feel a deep sense of panic that I didn't know what to attribute to. I thought of various scenarios in which I was reproaching him that he didn't keep his promise and that he shouldn't have made it if he wasn't sure he can keep it. And of course the voice in my head said I was stupid to believe his lies and that he wasn't really that interested in me, probably just bored when he wrote me and he forgot all about me. I felt the panic again. I checked my inbox obsessively without receiving a word from him for two days. My throat was tense and my heart was beating very fast. I assumed I was played and was nothing but a distraction for him and felt like I don't deserve attention and love from men. And I thought everybody knew that, including him and I must try to put up a front to not embarrass myself further. I tried repeatedly to remind myself that I am not my feelings, I am a divine being, nothing of this is real, but my heartbeats were still fast. I tried meditation and breathing exercises. They only worked for very little time, while I was doing them, 5 minutes later I was anxious again. I eventually started to resign that I raised my hopes again in vain and I wasted high emotion on nobody of importance. Today I went out with a very lovely man, who made me feel good about myself and who was very easy to talk to. While I was driving back home I realised why I got so emotional about this Internet guy (aside from a Moon-Mars connection I suspect), it was because he was, indirectly, reviving my feelings of shame and unworthiness and the memories of my father ignoring me or treating me disrespectfully. I tried to cry to let out all that overwhelming emotion, but I couldn't. I wrote to him some time after I got home, making a joke about his promise to write and breaking the tension. He replied immediately after and apologised for not writing saying he had a horrible period at work and just didn't have the right mood to write me. We talked for a while, then he stopped replying. While the anxiety monster returned to nag me, I tried to stay rational. He was most likely tired and fell asleep while we were talking (it was way past midnight). It happened to me too. I finally was able to cry a little bit and resolved to come here to write this out. I don't know who this guy is, I haven't met him yet. But he served me a well deserved life lesson without even knowing. Yeah, I felt this way before, but it seems like it's getting more acute as the time goes by, I guess something inside really needs attention, I was even trembling at some point. I started to calm as soon as I realised the cause, my throat relaxed and my heart beats returned to normal. It is not my fault for my father's behaviour. It doesn't mean that I am unworthy of male attention and appreciation. And whatever happens with this Internet guy, everything will be ok. I am ok. I am enough. IP: Logged |
Selenite
Knowflake Posts: 1206
From: Lyra
Registered: Aug 2013
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posted September 16, 2016 10:46 PM
I have felt very similarly to you. Now whenever I feel like that, I just get immediately *mad that so much of my self-worth seems hinged on a guy, even when in theory I don't hinge my self-worth on anyone.First I mischannel my feelings and get (p)issed) at the guy internally. Then I get *mad at society and myself for falling into this stereotype/gender role, then I say '*fudge you!' to the guy internally (poor guy but I can't let anyone have that kind of hold over me) and do my own thing, then I get over it, and then it turns out that the guy had no bad intentions after all.
Fun times, always confuses me. I feel like I've already learned the lesson so many times, but then nope! All of that wisdom disappears in a second. I'm getting better at controlling it, though.
It reminds me a lot of Lilith. Like, can't you see what I'm giving you? I'm giving you my power ! I'm submitting to the patriarchal system for you! How dare you not realize this and treat this sacred energy with respect?!
But they don't see it that way. So I try not to make it that way.. Lol. I guess that's not what real love is all about, anyway. Also, I wanted to say that it's pretty crazy how we can teach each other these kinds of lessons without even being there, through technology. o.o IP: Logged |
Dancing Maenad
Moderator Posts: 4283
From: The Harvest
Registered: Mar 2014
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posted September 17, 2016 02:12 AM
That is the point, Selenite. You're diverting your emotions. Instead of feeling the hurt and the pain - in my case also the anxiety - you're switching to feeling angry, which is a cover up. I have done it myself, for most of my life, after feeling ashamed that I wanted the attention, the love and the appreciation (which is normal, but since I was denied of them from my father, I've put up a front of not needing them, which is one of the biggest lies I've ever told to myself and the world), I would get so angry, especially at myself, for not knowing better and falling into a trap. In my experience last night, as well as dealing with other negative emotions before, until you feel them and stick with them, let them overwhelm you, wash over you, you can't release them. Not fully. Like I said, it's just a cover up. They'll return to bite you in the arse when you least expect it.
In my case, this was a build up. I said elsewhere that I went to a spiritual retreat. One of the reasons for attending it, that I never said out loud, was to meet a spiritual, awakened man, since this is becoming more and more important for me, it would be nice to have someone on the same path. And I was thinking before and at the beginning of the retreat that I am not receiving much male attention, that men just don't see me as a woman, as a sexual being, but rather as a friend, coworker, acquaintance, but not someone they would desire. That is how things looked to me. I'll also add that I spent the eclipse on September 1st and the special day of September 9th at that retreat, and they had much effect on me. I did receive some male attention, but again it wasn't serious. On the last day, September 9th, our spiritual teacher commented positively on my body (he wasn't inappropriate, he simply sensed what I needed to hear and he gave it to me), which I didn't know how to receive at the time, most likely because I haven't stayed with my emotions, so I couldn't heal the shame of being unwanted/undesirable. But yesterday was the Lunar eclipse... and I could run no more.
I read this article last night, it's very good: http://thepowerpath.com/moon-updates/full-moonlunar-eclipse-update-9-16-16/ This part resonated with me the most:
quote:
Chiron travels closely (22º) with the Full Moon in Pisces drawing out wounds from the past to reveal the treasure and the wisdom they hold. Chiron seeks to make us whole healing us at any level that is held separate. Chiron is the bridge from our life of ordinary, daily responsibilities to the world where we create our reality. Where are you feeling vulnerable, shut down and wearing strong protection? Out of the wound emerges the teacher, your wisdom, your wholeness. This Pisces Full Moon eclipse is here to dissolve what holds you apart from Spirit and your true Self.
The eclipse was square my own Moon-Neptune conjunction, my most mushy side. And Mars is close to conjunct them. The eclipse also trined/sextiled my parental axis, my Venus and yes, my own Chiron. My reactions make so much sense now. But, really, it's not about that. The message I'm trying to get across with this post is that I finally understood the only way to allow healing of emotional wounds is to fully immerse yourself in them, not denying them anymore, listening to them, to the hurting child inside, to care about them, to embrace them. We've been raised to reject negative emotions, and the whole positivity current surely didn't help. Feeling any way sad or dejected was looked down upon. But if you want to heal there's just no other way. For me, shame is my biggest and deepest wound. The shame of not being enough to be wanted, loved, appreciated. I am reading "Radical acceptance" by Tara Brach. She is describing this process much better than I have. The book helped me a lot, in remembering her words when I felt the lowest, when the demons inside felt overwhelming. IP: Logged |
Voix_de_la_Mer
Knowflake Posts: 2015
From: Sound
Registered: Aug 2011
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posted September 17, 2016 04:54 AM
Hey Dancing,I'm so sorry you had to go through these feelings, but your insight into your vulnerabilities is extraordinary. You have managed to find the true source of these feelings, their link to your past and the messages you carry about yourself from the unavailability of your father. Because of this insight and knowledge, you are already better equipped to deal with them. Maybe some inner critic work would be helpful for you?
When we have felt unloved, ignored or invalidated by our early environments we can develop a very harsh inner voice that puts us down, tells us we are unworthy of being treated better than those who invalidated us, and colours our perception of the present and the future. These feelings can create a map of how to navigate the world that always ends with us feeling like crap. By challenging that voice we can change the map. I find distancing can be helpful, speaking back to the voice as if it is a 3rd party saying these things to you. Or responding to yourself as you would a friend. You are on a brave journey Dancing, you are very courageous for talking about about this. I remember being on a similar journey, and sometimes I slip back into the unworthiness, but you can draw a new map and walk it most of the time with practice. I know it doesn't feel like it just now, but you ARE enough, and you always were. It was someone else's inadequacies that have left you feeling this way, but you can move out of that place, and from the sounds of it, you are well on your way to doing that. IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 68741
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted September 17, 2016 07:30 AM
 ------------------
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IP: Logged |
firemoon
Knowflake Posts: 79
From:
Registered: Jan 2016
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posted September 25, 2016 04:03 AM
I remember the same words echoing since high school.. "You're not *worthy or capable* of happiness/success."Sadly this came from my father in ways (verbal abuse) I don't especially feel like re-living.. I can acknowledge rationally that his own father more than likely implanted the same unhealthy beliefs/labels on him which he has subconsciously regurgitated onto his own children, but especially me (I'm the oldest and there were no boys). So how to end this cycle? Not sure but I know many of my issues involving romantic relationships have revolved around this. I've had glimpses of hope and real moments of raw intimacy and (shockingly) unconditional acceptance from men in my life as an adult.. But it's still a very real struggle. None of those prospects have ever panned out.. and how long can I blame everyone else really? Not sure if this will be helpful in any way lol but just wanted to say this thread resonated with me and you're not alone  I do believe talking about things makes them easier to deal with so keep speaking your truth, you're stronger than you know! IP: Logged |
hannaramaa
Knowflake Posts: 11567
From:
Registered: Nov 2011
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posted September 25, 2016 09:29 AM
quote:
Originally posted by firemoon:
I remember the same words echoing since high school.. "You're not *worthy or capable* of happiness/success."Sadly this came from my father in ways (verbal abuse) I don't especially feel like re-living.. I can acknowledge rationally that his own father more than likely implanted the same unhealthy beliefs/labels on him which he has subconsciously regurgitated onto his own children, but especially me (I'm the oldest and there were no boys). So how to end this cycle? Not sure but I know many of my issues involving romantic relationships have revolved around this. I've had glimpses of hope and real moments of raw intimacy and (shockingly) unconditional acceptance from men in my life as an adult.. But it's still a very real struggle. None of those prospects have ever panned out.. and how long can I blame everyone else really? Not sure if this will be helpful in any way lol but just wanted to say this thread resonated with me and you're not alone I do believe talking about things makes them easier to deal with so keep speaking your truth, you're stronger than you know!
I feel this. IP: Logged |
Doux Rêve
Moderator Posts: 9901
From:
Registered: Dec 2010
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posted September 25, 2016 09:53 AM
I feel you. IP: Logged |
Elysia
Knowflake Posts: 2010
From: Gotham
Registered: Aug 2015
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posted September 25, 2016 05:49 PM
quote:
Originally posted by firemoon:
I remember the same words echoing since high school.. "You're not *worthy or capable* of happiness/success."Sadly this came from my father in ways (verbal abuse) I don't especially feel like re-living.. I can acknowledge rationally that his own father more than likely implanted the same unhealthy beliefs/labels on him which he has subconsciously regurgitated onto his own children, but especially me (I'm the oldest and there were no boys). So how to end this cycle? Not sure but I know many of my issues involving romantic relationships have revolved around this. I've had glimpses of hope and real moments of raw intimacy and (shockingly) unconditional acceptance from men in my life as an adult.. But it's still a very real struggle. None of those prospects have ever panned out.. and how long can I blame everyone else really? Not sure if this will be helpful in any way lol but just wanted to say this thread resonated with me and you're not alone I do believe talking about things makes them easier to deal with so keep speaking your truth, you're stronger than you know!
IP: Logged |
Elysia
Knowflake Posts: 2010
From: Gotham
Registered: Aug 2015
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posted September 25, 2016 05:57 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Dancing Maenad:
In my experience last night, as well as dealing with other negative emotions before, until you feel them and stick with them, let them overwhelm you, wash over you, you can't release them. Not fully. Like I said, it's just a cover up. They'll return to bite you in the arse when you least expect it.
Absolutely, Mae. The best way out is through. When we banish those "negative emotions", we're not really ridding ourselves of them - just pushing them under the rug. IP: Logged |
Dancing Maenad
Moderator Posts: 4283
From: The Harvest
Registered: Mar 2014
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posted October 03, 2016 08:31 AM
Thank you everyone for answering! Sadly, the theme continued. It is now mixing with jealousy. I absolutely, totally despise jealousy. I can't shake it off and I feel it is taking me over. I've very rarely felt jealous, but when I did, it was very powerful. I feel weak against it. Like I could never measure up to her. He will never love me as much as he loves/loved her. He will never love me, period. I freeze, I am paralyzed. I am cold and I can't move. I'm sinking in it.
F*ck my 3rd chakra! The hell with it.
IP: Logged |
Dancing Maenad
Moderator Posts: 4283
From: The Harvest
Registered: Mar 2014
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posted October 03, 2016 11:00 AM
I am The Little Match Girl. I identified with her in my childhood and sometimes in my adult life. Not in a material sense, I was never actually poor even if I was also never rich. I felt like I was on the outside, looking in at happy people when it came to love. I only had glimpses of happiness and it was quickly taken away from me. I delude myself like she did so I can carry on through the hard times. But I always run out of matches and reality creeps in. I fell asleep on a wet pillow, exhausted from too much crying, a lot. When I think back, those are the first images that come to me, about my childhood and my life. Around me people are getting married, having babies or falling in love. I am attending two weddings soon. I have to smile and be happy for them - and I am. But what is wrong with me then? Why can't I have it? I don't even mean marriage, I've given it up. Another thing that is refused to me. It seems that no matter how much therapy you do, how spiritual you become, there still can be people or moments that push your buttons and turn you into that sad little girl, all over again. That's what I feel. That no matter how hard I try to make progress, I still end up on my kitchen floor crying like I did 5 years ago when my first engagement ended. IP: Logged |
Dancing Maenad
Moderator Posts: 4283
From: The Harvest
Registered: Mar 2014
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posted October 03, 2016 11:10 AM
 IP: Logged |
Yin
Knowflake Posts: 3488
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted October 04, 2016 11:28 AM
quote:
I remember the same words echoing since high school.. "You're not *worthy or capable* of happiness/success."
DM, do you have a Venus-Saturn or Saturn-Moon aspect in your chart? What you wrote resonates with me more than you know. I am currently going through a phase in my life where the feeling of being "not [pretty, skinny, young...] enough" is overwhelming everything I say or do. It's a total awakening of the soul but it it also excruciatingly painful. I just wanted to say: I feel you. IP: Logged |
Dancing Maenad
Moderator Posts: 4283
From: The Harvest
Registered: Mar 2014
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posted October 05, 2016 02:13 AM
Yin, I have both (Venus quindecile Saturn and Moon sextile Saturn, as well as some oppositions to Mercury and Mars), however the part you quoted belongs to Firemoon. I feel you too, all of you, much too well. The feeling of not being good enough, or not being worthy of is poisoning our lives. Two days ago, when I wrote the part about jealousy, which I haven't felt in years, was one of the hardest for me. I finally was able to get a grip on my emotions and I cleared the matter with him. It turned out much better than anything I could hope. I am waking up to see these emotions, however powerful, are not necessarily accurate, more like projections. I am not my emotions. IP: Logged | |
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