Lindaland
  Sweet Peas In The Rain
  Do all sexual abuse survivors struggle to stay in a relationship?

Post New Topic  Post A Reply
profile | register | preferences | faq

UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone! next newest topic | next oldest topic
Author Topic:   Do all sexual abuse survivors struggle to stay in a relationship?
Cancermoon83
Knowflake

Posts: 29
From:
Registered: Mar 2022

posted March 27, 2022 09:34 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Cancermoon83     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
It's a really tough subject to talk about,but I find myself struggling in long term relationships.And I'm afraid it has to do with the fact that I was sexually abused as a child.The sexual part of a relationship is very important to me,to the point that when the honeymoon phase passes I start feeling waves of depression.I know it's something all couples have to go through,but I really struggle with it.
I always get in relationships with the best intentions,I never cheated on anyone,and I maintain relationships for longer that I can,because I loved these people and I tried to do the right thing,settle in a happy relationship and be normal I guess.But I always end up seeking mental simulation elsewhere to keep my depression away.Which means I love my partner,love the security and comfort that he provides me,but I start thinking about other men in order to "feel" something.
I don't like open relationships or sleeping around,because feelings are important to me,and being in love is really important to me.I just don't know why I struggle so much with this to the point of depression.
Could the abuse I went through as a child make me so in need of this "love" hormone even as an adult??

IP: Logged

saronna
Knowflake

Posts: 1372
From: Sydney Australia
Registered: Jan 2010

posted March 27, 2022 06:33 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for saronna     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I stayed single for a long time. I'm single now it wasn't just the sexual abuse but the physical abuse. Sexual abuse wasn't my father but the physical abuse was. My first relationship was distant & I was young 17. & I made a mistake getting into a relationship with the ex when I was 26 just after my dad passed away & it was physical abusive & emotionally abusive. I started going to alanon & I learned from experience when I was 36 with prayer & meditation to have self love. & Im not scared to love my twin souls. I'm not in a relationship with them. I don't like open relationship or sleeping around & and I want to be with someone I'm in love with a twin soul & best friend. I don't know if he knows we are twin souls. I met him 23 years ago. I'm not depressed because of the physical & sexual abuse its prayer & meditation that helps with depression.

IP: Logged

Randall
Webmaster

Posts: 155598
From: I hold a Juris Doctorate (J.D.) and a Legum Magister (LL.M.)!
Registered: Apr 2009

posted March 27, 2022 07:04 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

IP: Logged

saronna
Knowflake

Posts: 1372
From: Sydney Australia
Registered: Jan 2010

posted March 27, 2022 07:40 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for saronna     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thanks Randall ❤️

IP: Logged

PixieJane
Knowflake

Posts: 9720
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010

posted March 30, 2022 04:39 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
A lot of people struggle with this. Generally speaking, it comes from the romanticization of romance that conflated love, sex, marriage, best friend, and so on into one single entity (while downplaying other forms of love and relationships as lesser, or even unimportant, which is harmful in of itself), but relatively speaking this is a new concept that creates expectations that one should not have, ironically making it harder to find happiness in love.

Because people have unrealistic expectations of love, they tend to see the reality that they should expect as a flaw rather than as normal, and so look elsewhere to get that high again.

It should be noted that there are also a lot of dysfunctional relationships as people try to resolve past traumas, and seek out that which will hurt themselves (and others) until they can resolve this. It's subconscious and unlikely to ever be resolved without conscious work. Someone with abandonment issues will subconsciously seek out someone unattainable, for example. It's possible that in your case, if the only time you felt loved (ignored otherwise, including by others you may have sought love and attention from) was when sexually abused, that you seek that out because deep down that's how you view love. That's a possibility, but not a certainty.

I kinda want to say you should try talking with a counselor (even in the United States, it's possible to talk for free), but my observation and experience with the psychiatric and counseling fields leave little trust in me for them. Too many of them get into it for the wrong reasons (the power, working out their own issues through those who came to them for help, just saying whatever to get paid from people made dependent on them so they can pay off their college loans, collecting bounties from pharma industry, even preying upon them, etc), and even those with good intentions may not understand.

I personally found a support group helpful. They're the most likely to understand, whereas many who only study it academically don't truly understand it, or how different the world looks to someone from a background of abuse.

For example, they'll blame the kids for their "bad choices" (that will likely continue into adulthood) that they come to make instead since they understandably don't trust adults after being hurt by and lied to from them, especially when when they do seek help only to be brushed off or even betrayed by the one who was supposed to help (be it family, counselor, pastor, etc). It should be obvious why such kids (and later as adults) don't seek help, but many professionals from a sheltered background see their own subjective reality as objective (clearly obvious to everyone, like the sun or gravity) rather than learned and circumstantial while those they "help" have learned very different lessons under different circumstances.

Good luck to you. One of the rare good experiences (I might've just gotten lucky) was this number (this includes other options of contact) where I was talked to by someone who I felt understood, and was where I got the helpful referral to group therapy (which was so much better than any counselor I ever saw):
http://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline

IP: Logged

anonymidarkness
Knowflake

Posts: 8104
From:
Registered: Aug 2012

posted March 30, 2022 10:02 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for anonymidarkness     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I went through sexual abuse as a kid too, and I personally can't seem to save a relationship for life lol(they don't last for too long), another theme I've noticed is yeah being attracted to unavailable ones. Personally I don't seem to seek the "love" hormone from people beyond the relationship though, my problem is I tend to fall in love with most chicks I see, perhaps that too is seeking in a way lol.

IP: Logged

All times are Eastern Standard Time

next newest topic | next oldest topic

Administrative Options: Close Topic | Archive/Move | Delete Topic
Post New Topic  Post A Reply
Hop to:

Contact Us | Linda-Goodman.com

Copyright 2000-2022

Powered by Infopop www.infopop.com © 2000
Ultimate Bulletin Board 5.46a