posted January 12, 2005 01:06 AM         

So I just keep being ripped to shreds more and more on the insides...by myself, by my mind. I have no idea how I got to these vicious cycles and I'm pretty sure I don't care at this point, I just have no way to know where they begin to stop them. I'm not even sure if it's self-criticizing that I'm doing...I think it's a blend of hopelessness, helplessness, futility, and maybe even a dash of apathy. And lots of confusion. I've also just have had the crappiest experiences and situations all this year. A horrible, draining job that I felt extremely guilty leaving, a music scene that was more negative and drama-filled more and more that I HAD to leave which left behind a place where I used to build up my self-esteem through building social skills and dancing, friends moving away, me going to a college that i found extremely unfulfilling and even a few instances of harrassment from other students, a relationship that turned emotionally and verbally abusive that I was forced to leave, and very destructive, dysfunctional home life/family....I swear this isn't me whining. I hate being called whiny more than anything. It's just been one hard year after another.

I have been trying so hard to get myself out of my own hell. I've learned about the crap I've gotten from others throughout my life, and have been trying to self-affirm and know that crap I've gotten is not true. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching. I started taking vitamins, I have been journaling. Nothing seems to really be helping though. I've even gone to career counseling, although today was the first day that led to even more frustration, as it's another source of someone trying to push me in a direction since I am being indecisive right now. I'm in NO shape to take another class so soon!

I can't figure out what it is. I'm not even close to suicidal. I'm so fatigued. Drained. I've been to a dr for this, and it's apparently nothing physical. I was diagnosed with SAD last year, and then PTSD by a therapist who wanted nothing but to focus on repressed memory crap and thought all my issues are caused by child abuse. I don't even believe this to be true, and I even told her so. I left after that. No motivation...lonely, sad, anxious a lot, big grey cloud looming over my head...I feel like there's no hope. I feel like I've lost at the game of life again. Every day seems to be more of the same, and I feel very trapped. I hate the town I live in, I feel like I can't get anything out of it anymore, and I'm not sure if that is my perception or the truth. My friends say the same thing about this area, and it's why they have left over and over.

My career counselor actually noticed that I refuse to budge at all until I make a firm decision about anything, and thinks this may be why I'm stuck. I have no idea how to change that though, I need the security of thinking something will be a successful move.

I just keep trying all sorts of things...I have read tons of books on depression, and have recently pulled out my workbook again. None of it seems to pull me out of it even a tiny bit. I have a lot of successes I should be happy about, I do know I can create my life any way I want, I have a few very good friends, I have decisions to make, I can avoid some of the bad things...but it's like a connection in my brain is broken. I cannot figure out how to activate those things. I feel like I have not been taught the things I truly need in life. I mean, I even just found out JUST THE OTHER DAY that creating boundaries in relationships is a HEALTHY thing! I didn't even KNOW about boundaries in relationships until THIS WEEK. It seems like there should be a "life skills" class.

Anyway, I did start seeking counseling this week. I haven't actually gone yet, but the 2 directors I've talked to over the phone at this not-for-profit mental health agency (FREE counseling! What a concept! lol) are SOOO nice! But all my good feelings about ANYTHING are temporary. I cannot seem to bring everything in my life together, it's like I only think life is a nightmare, and cannot bring the fact that I now have 2 nice supportive people at a safe place in my life. I'm hoping this helps a bit.

posted January 12, 2005 02:40 AM         

Dont feel wierd. What you just described are things I've dealt with and still do. I battle depression myself and have all my life. Sadly, it's very common with people today and a very hard rut to get out of. It's nice to hear someone who is actually taking steps to climb out of it. To me I don't hear "whining" from you. You are crying out for help out of frustration, confusion, and feelings of helplessness. What you are doing is healthy and will hopefully get you to a point where you can see yourself climbing out of this hole.

You are at a low point now and I think that by reaching out you have made the first step in pulling yourself up again. I wish I had some magic words for you. I really do know what you are going through. It's hard to believe that there will eventually be some relief at some point when this is all you know. When it's been something that has always been there, and at times seems to ease up a bit, but never fully leaves you alone.

I'm not that much older than you but when I was your age I was really struggling too. It was alot worse for me too back then. I was having the exact same thoughts as you. Interesting that your career counselor noticed that you "refuse to budge at all until you make a firm decision about something". Taurus is strongly placed in your chart, with the Moon and ACS there. And with that moon in the first house, it's even stronger. Us Bulls or people with strong Taurean tendencies find it hard to make quick moves, or any moves at all, until we are forced to. This tendency makes things alot harder for us in the long run. And we do it to ourselves. It's good to be a little cautious of course, but you do also need to practice a little bit of spontaeity once in awhile. I'm one to talk. *sarcasm* It really is true though. And I've only learned this through experience. Sometimes traumatic, forced experiences. If you put off making a major change for too long, the Universe will force you to do it at some point.

I understand that you dont even know what move to make at this point. I know the feeling. I wish I could tell you. I will say that I think you should think about some directions you want to move towards, make a list of pros and cons and pick one and DO IT! Make yourself. Even if it's small. Practice being daring and spontaneous. Take a risk (one that would benefit you, not a dangerous one obviously. ) I mean one that you would normally easily toss aside. Dont give it too much earth sign thought. Dont let that critical Virgo Sun talk you out of it. (I have a Virgo Moon, I know how it is) Dont overanalyze every situation. It can really keep you stuck, by having the habit of doing that. You've got a healthy dose of earth signs going on, so you know all about rational decision making, plodding, playing the waiting game and cautiousness. Take it from me, life will pass you by if unless you learn how to "make your moves". Learn when to say F- it! I've got to do something! I'm sick of being my own worst enemy!

Now, what exactly to do? I'm not sure, only because I'm not you. And dont really know your life situation. I dont know if this advice is helping you much. I dont know what to say except that I understand and from what I know of you I see a bright future ahead. I think you have alot to look forward to, even though you cant see it right now. You can just tell with certain people. You are extremely smart, witty and gorgeous. ......a plain totally rad chick!

You have to believe that things will get better. And the only way you will get there is taking it one step at at time. First you have to make a move. Even small moves will lead you there if they are in the direction of your goals. I know you are doing that now, and dont stop doing what you are doing. And there will be potholes in the road, but each time things will get a little easier to deal with.

I've learned that time has actually been my best friend. As time goes by I'm getting wiser and seeing things in brand new lights. I know you will too. You WILL get out of this. You'll look back and say "Wow, that taught me so much." Everything you are going through has many layers of lessons.

Remind yourself that you truly are on the right path and you are at the perfect place in your life. You are not going to be stuck in this situation forever. Ask that your HigherSelf, the Universe, God, whatever guide you in the right direction. When you ask you will recieve. It might take awhile to get open up to the messages that are surrounding you, but the answers are there. But in your sadness they are hard to see. Please know that things WILL be okay. The best really is yet to come.

I think you made a great choice to seek counseling. Please go through with it. It can be good to talk to a professional (if you can find a good one). In any case, I *hear you*, I'm there with you. I wonder when the rollercoaster ride will be over. Will it ever? I'm beginning to think it wont. I feel my own life crumbling aroung me right now as well (damn natal Uranus on the MC). *sigh* But you know.... each time it gets a little easier. Or maybe I'm just numb to it now......I tell you what though, I'm sick of it too. Tired, drained, I'm with you there. I dont think I can handle these sudden shocks and chaotic experiences Uranus has been throwing my life much longer. I'm sick of feeling like I cant reach any steady ground. I just want some stability FOR ONCE, you know? So everything I just told you applies to me as well. I need to start walking my talk. I'm trying!! *sigh* Anyway.......it's frustrating I know. I just try to keep reminding myself that I have the power to change it and it wont be this way forever.

Wow. I'm a windbag. LOL Hope youre still awake.....or alive and I didnt bore you to death!

Let me know how your doing VTT. You know, you can e-mail me anytime too, if you need someone to talk to. Just go into Lexigram Magic and click on 26taurus up in the left hand corner and it will take you to my email.

posted January 12, 2005 03:31 AM         

Here are some affirmations. You might want to print some out and hang the up where you can see them. Near your computer and around your house. And reapeat these often to change your negative thinking patterns that you might not even realize you are thinking. Also, you might want to look into mantras. I've heard they work wonders.

quote:

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Affirmations are positive thoughts or words we use. This article describes some affirmations for various conditions meant to keep you healthy and well.

Most of us speak and think negative thoughts all the time. Affirmations provide a way to introduce positive thoughts into the mix.

At first, you may find that the affirmations seem foreign or impossible. Keep saying or writing them anyway. Eventually, you will make the thought part of your thinking, part of your life and part of your health.

Affirmations for Depression:

* I go beyond my fears and limitations
* I give up my anger and hopelessness
* I create a life I love

Change what you say. Catch yourself repeating negative thoughts. Say one or more of the following affirmations at least 20 times each day. (The number of times is important because most of us carry around negative thoughts and sayings we learned in our nuclear families; saying these positive thoughts can begin to counter the negative ones we're so used to, we often don't even know we're using.)

Here are some affirmations to use:

I go beyond my fears and limitations

I create a joyous life

I release all anger and guilt

I forgive others and I forgive myself

---

posted January 12, 2005 04:44 AM         

I often consider that maybe I am not using my time the best way possible.

I know that THE idea will come, eventually.

How do you feel NOW ?

posted January 12, 2005 01:01 PM         

Please don't think I'm flippant when I say this because in my younger years I have been there too. This is what I learned. LIFE IS A LIFE SKILLS CLASS!

You will go through this and pass out the other end more complete, more skilled, more intact then you ever imagined.

We live in an instant kind of world where we expect others to give us soloutions to life. Even if you go to a therapist, it is YOU who does the work. No matter the support which is important, YOU are still the one in charge of YOU.

Please know that it's fine to feel yucky, it's normal to feel depressed when you've had one knock after another. Look you feel drained, but you got through it.

I remember feeling just like you feel now once. To top it all off, I was 16 and more or less homeless. It took me years to get my life the way I wanted it. Now I look back and I wouldn't change a thing. Out there you have no idea of the good things awaiting you ready to be claimed. Don't be fooled, this last year is not your whole life. Your whole life stretches into avenues that would amaze you if you could accesss the information I can. Have heart. Think of these trials as a test of endurance and show yourself what you are truly made of. You'll surprise yourself the most.

I will send healing your way. Please remember this is only a small fraction of your life. Treat yourself kindly and give yourself room to breathe.

posted January 12, 2005 03:16 PM         

may i suggest a very healing and restorative action?

do a soft little ritual, opening yourself to the good energy of the universe, allowing this energy and light to infuse you and lift you up.

first, take a nice, steamy bath or shower. infuse the bath with aromatic oils and herbs, or the shower with aromatic oils on your washcloth. physically cleansing your aura is good to do. envision the water and steam as purifying light, surrounding or pouring into you.

dress in comfortable clothing and light some candles and incense. gather a few crystals -- pretty quartz clusters are lovely-- and place them around you. sit quietly breathing deeply for a few moments. lift your arms above your head with your palms facing up. feel energy pouring into your left palm and pouring out of your right palm. this permits a circuit of powerful universal energy to flow through you. quietly breathe in the aroma of the incense and ask for the healing, guiding hand of God, Goddess, the Universe, Angels....or whatever source of spirituality appeals to you, to come into you and fill you up with light and energy for healing and guidance.

sit quietly and envision a few things. first, a violet flame, warm and strong in your solar plexus. then feel the flame and the violet color start at the bottom of your spine and work its way up your spinal column into your head. breathe deeply and quietly repeat, 'be still and know that i am god.' then envision an intense sphere of bright glowing light, with roots reaching into ground, flowing up and surrounding you. know that this is the energy of God or Goddess, or Universe flowing about you.

next ask your higher self to enter your consciousness and help guide your thoughts and heart. breathe in light. breathing deeply, sit in the presence of all this light and let it permeate you.

to end the ritual, sprinkle a little salt and water around you, give thanks, bring your palms together in front of you, elbows parallel to the ground and state, 'so be it'.

you'll feel so refreshed and centered!

a few other suggestions:

smuding your house with a sage stick will clear the air of stagnant and repressive energy.

bach flower essences work wonders, and i mean real miracles. start with rescue remedy and read a little more about them to find the combination that works for you. a few i'm thinking of for you....gorse, walnut, scleranthus, wild rose, oak, olive, elm and wild oat. this website has more information: Bach Flower Essences

and finally, reading about all kinds of holistic healing methods will lead you to better understanding. this block you're feeling right now is your wake-up call! your spirit is asking for attention and by turning your attention inward, you will grow and shine!

posted January 12, 2005 10:10 PM         

Have you also considered a body cleanse, to remove old toxins? Perhaps a fruit and juice fast for a few days...

posted January 13, 2005 12:39 AM         

lol I was starting to wonder what sign my career counselor is honestly, as it is always a Taurus male who will be first to notice my stubbornness. I’m actually to the point where I’m going to have to push to make a first move since I’m really starting to feel the resistance of not making one at all. Hahah I’m feeling the Universe screaming at me to move. I like the idea of the list of pros and cons! I have not done that in awhile, and if I do that and see how good something could be I’d do it. Ooo risks! Exciting! I haven’t taken one of those since….2 months ago!

Awww!! Woo for smart, witty and gorgeous thank youuuu!!!

It’s so weird how I think sometimes…I actually thought about this awhile ago…I seem to view life as static, when in fact it is ALWAYS changing. I’ve had this kick me right in the butt a few times, that things will not stay the same just because I don’t view the world as changing. I’ve had people leave me behind, lost opportunities, unexpected changes just because of my perception. It can be really really frustrating, but I think if I can get myself in the mindset that things are always in motion (I love science…maybe if I can apply Newton’s Laws to life in a solid way I won’t forget this).

LOL aww you’re not a windbag! I like your replies and I’m still alive woo you can always email me too anytime

I love the affirmations! I have some of my own I got from my goal book too, I’m going to post them all around my computer since it’s become an extension of myself. I really need the “I release all anger and guilt” one!

Gia: lol I didn’t think you are flippant, in fact I felt a bit motivated after reading what you wrote! Especially that you said there are good things out there waiting to be claimed, boy does that sound better than what I’ve been thinking hahaha.

Thank you miss_apples and trillian for the healing light/energy. Maybe that’s why today was a better day, I actually began working towards 1 goal of mine. I’m thinking of doing a fast, I’ve felt run down physically and am pretty sure I need a good cleansing.

Saffron: that is so cool! So far today I only felt well enough to use aromatherapy in the shower, and that made me feel more clearheaded for awhile, I’m going to try all of the other stuff too. Especially the sage stick, I need to find one of those.

posted January 14, 2005 03:21 AM         

Anyway, there was one thing she mentioned that I thought maybe would help that they have at the agency, and the first meeting happened to be from 6-8 PM. So I went (after getting lunch, forcing my bum to go to the department of labor to fill out THEIR form to help find a job, and basking in the glow of about 50 flourescent lights at Home Depot lol), and...it was like stepping into another, kind of creepy world. It was about 10 people around 20 years older than me with extremely worse problems than I have. I picked up on the energy in that room waaaay too easily...and it wasn't good at all, and I just felt physically crappy sitting there. No one really talked much, and the director went over what that program is about for TWO HOURS hahaha. It's some wellness recovery program...I didn't really understand a lot of the whys of doing some of the stuff, like having this solid support system in case some major crisis occurs...well, I never actually have had a huge crisis that has nearly landed me in the hospital and I don't have meds that Im' taking that could be screwed up in the case of a mental emergency to the ER. I just don't want to do the work in there already.

So yeah, I kind of felt like I wasn't listened to a little bit, I felt like it was more paperwork and financial crap to deal with, and I'm too sensitive to the energy of others to be able to handle sitting in a group like that. So now I have a massive headache and severe fatigue from that stress!

posted January 14, 2005 09:37 AM         

please slow down and take some time for yourself....just let your brain rest, without any obligation or worries.

some very nice essential oils for your bath and in a diffuser include bergamot, cedar and rosemary. this combination will lift you out of the darkest place.

also, consider taking a yoga class. it will relax and clear your mind and rejuvenate you physically. really!

posted January 17, 2005 12:00 PM         

i hope all is going well for you these days.

cheers!