posted January 30, 2005 11:42 PM         

I feel your pain, darlin'.

posted February 01, 2005 03:53 AM         

"My friends, how desperately do we need to be loved and to love. When Christ said that man does not live by bread alone, he spoke of a hunger. This hunger was not the hunger of the body. It was not the hunger for bread. He spoke of a hunger that begins deep down in the very depths of our being. He spoke of a need as vital as breath. He spoke of our hunger for love.
"Love is something you and i must have. We must have it because our spirit feeds upon it. We must have it because without it we become weak and faint. Without love our self-esteem weakens. Without it our courage fails. Without love we can no longer look out confidently at the world. We turn inward and begin to feed upon our own personalities, and little by little we destroy ourselves.
"With it we are creative. With it we march tirelessly. With it, and with it alone, we are able to sacrifice for others."

- Chief Dan George

I've suffered from "clinical depression" for the past twelve years, off and on (I'm 26). Tentative diagnosese(sp?) include major depression, bi-polar, cyclothymia and dysthimia (both rapid cycling mood disorders), and social-anxiety, all accompanied by a "suicidal ideology". (And you wonder why they called me "Kurt" at school, - No, I don't think it was just my undying love for his music.

Besides having my Aquarius Moon in the 1st, my Sun is lolcated at approx. 14' Scorpio, Venus is in Retrograde(!) at 15' and Uranus is on my MC at 16'. All of them are squaring Jupiter.

Did i mention they're in Scorpio!?!?!!??!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!/??????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!!??!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!/??????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!!??!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!/??? ???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!!??!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!/??????????????!!!!!!!!!!!

Scorpios can be especially self-destructive. Both Uranus and the Moon have associations with Madness. (You don't say.)
Venus in Retrograde has an inferiority complex. Jupiter in Leo squaring Sun/Venus/MC/Uranus has a superiority complex. Scorpios already tend to have one of each.

My Ascendant is in the last decan of Capricorn, so I'm like already thin-skinned, and that's making a square to Pluto in the 9th. Ceres is the only thing Conjunct the Ascendant; I'm not sure what it means.

Let's see,... I live at home (with the folks), and collect disability. This is the first year I've tried to get it. I feel so guilty. All my friends work, and I have nothing but the most profound admiration for them, hence I end up feeling like the most incredible hypocrite. I've called myself lazy, or a million things, but sometimes I really just have no concept of how to interact with people on an "ordinary" level. Or, its like I'm so flooded with information, emotional or otherwise, that I can't process it all. There's this line from a Neutral Milk Hotel (aka Jeff Mangum) song, "To take on the world at all angles requires a strength I can't use". That about sums it up.

I've held several jobs, one for over a year and a half, at a video store. I couldnt resist creating some crazy tension with nearly very customer that came in. I wouldn't even mean to catch their eye, and I'd catch their soul. I couldn't stop myself from imagining what it must be like to be them, and to love myself. I would be adrift on these compulsive tides of humility and arrogance. It was literally exhausting; emotionally, physically, psychically, spiritually. I really do feel like a fish out of water.

But enough about me, let's talk about me.

I've been smoking pot for as long as I've been depressed. Despite this glaring fact, I think it would be superficial to conclude that the symptom is the sickness. However, the word "exacerbate" does come to mind.

I've been trying to quit off and on. I don't know what else to say about that, as my experiences are my own. Suffice it to say that I am adamant and sincere enough in one moment, and indifferent to the earth the next.

Honestly, I just think I need a girlfriend. But that would mean breaking my routine.
And we can't have that. No, we can't have that. AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I dont' know where or how to meet people anyway. I've got an intimate cabal of close friends. They're encouraging, but there's just this resistance in me to go out and do anything.. besides visit the occassional Barnes and Nobles, just to see if my soul-mate isnt there, peeking out from behind a copy of Proust. Clubs and Bars are so out of the question its not even funny.

This will most definitely sound stupid, but, a couple of years ago, I had this really trippy eye-contact with this amazing girl. It was like the answer to my unconscious prayers, right? So, what did I do? That's right, I took off with my tail between my legs. And I've been carefully tormenting myself for it ever since.

Whatever.

I'd like to leave your with a quote from J.D. Salinger's book, 'Franny and Zooey':

"Yes, I have an ulcer! Of course, I have an ulcer! This is Kali Yuga, buddy. The Iron Age. Anybody without an ulcer by the age of sixteen is a ******* spy!"

posted February 01, 2005 03:59 AM         

Saved?

Your forgiveness mocks my guilt.
Your faith insults my struggle.
Your love is an impertinence.
Your cross just smells like trouble.

Your eyes are full of blood.
Your skin is weeping pox.
Your cheek is very red.
Your coat and cloak are lost.

And, all the while, you mount a slope,
Ascending to your grave,
With whips and scorns, and spears and stones,
And thorns to bless and save.

Why'd you have to be so good?
Why'd you have to try?
Now nobody can love themself
Who doesn't live to die.

Pen and Sword

Ripened thoughts to actions tend,
As fruit falls from the vine.

But thoughts too long ensconced ferment
and are overfed,

like rotten fruit that, greedy,
clings to parch'd stem.

The pen insights a million swords - tis true,
and nations, to a noble thought their births belong -

But words do not a sword uphold,
Nor slackened arms contend;

Sharp wills must hearken and be bold
For tragedies to mend,

And all the world's unblighted hope
is nothing without them.

You (My Valentine's day poem to Chrissy, 2000)

My voice would empty into space
And all my genius disappear
And understanding have no place
Nor echo come
Without your ear

My blood would run a wintry race
And seasons vanish from the year
And love, unmet,
Would have no face
If only you had not been here

Bismarck, North Dakota

The sky is a leaden smear.
Mown grass clings wet
To soccer-balls and shoes.
On the sidelines,
Discarded orange peels.
Drizzle and mist.
Cleats talk on moist pavement.
Kids and obnoxious exuberance.
Mothers and car doors.
Anticipated french-fries.
Sweaty shin-guards
And sweaty shins exposed;
Pale as pruned fingers 'neath Band-Aids.
Too young to care what's on the radio.
Clutching headrests
And bouncing in your seat.
Catching colds.
'Bismarck' is the capital of what state?

Empathy For The Devil

Kurt Cobain, you're so vain. -
Humble to a fault.
Don't you see the irony?;
Humility exalts.

Such pride demands disparity,
And you,
Identified with to your shame,
Ambitious for some elite obscurity,-
How bitter was your sudden fame?;

How steep, descent from such a height -
I know you wanted to be Rilke, -
When, o'ershadowed by very light,
An angel of another ilk?

Poor Kurt Cobain, profoundly vain,
Martyring yourself. -
We watched you give it all away,
To beg for something else.

Kittens, fer Chrissake!

Oh you limpid jealous kittens;
Idle rascals with delicate wrists,
Lost inside of crumpled sweaters;
Head-pokers in hollows,
Necks, and sleeves;
Giant-eyed ambiguities, -
'What do you see?'
Curious creatures;
Adorable mad-geniuses;
Scurriers with purpose;
Mewing fellows and frail combatants;
Cowering monsters, vicious when teased;
Slight presences;
Darting ghosts, the color of smoke;
Brave little gymnasts;
Silly scraping buggers;
Tugging pouncers or pouncing tuggers;
Graceful klutzes;
Trippy wonders, religiously kittens;
Not yet arrogant cats.

Love (And Everything)

I am in love with the dent in your lip.
No, not that one, the other one;
This shiny pink dent right here in your lip, -
And I'm not done kissing it yet;

Still thirsty for kisses
And cool draughts of you;
Sipping sweet comestible breath.

How softly light blesses these finger-crushed tresses,
And tentative threads of rash, riven dresses.
I swear your bruised shoulder is a plum in my teeth. -

There is blue, and there is lead,
And there is presence in that bruise;
Your! bruise.

Oh Shoulders!
Oh fleshy dented lips of pink!
Oh sudden toasters and toast-munching brothers!
Valerian drops and Karens! -
What is glass?….

But what sudden cold licking;
(The dog!) on my earlobe.
Now he's a soldier and he can salute!

But he doesn't like that,
jogging away.

posted February 01, 2005 11:30 AM         

I will tell you that my brother was really unbalanced when he was growing up, he is 15 now and I can really see improvement, and I definatly dont think its the drugs they have him on.

posted February 01, 2005 01:59 PM         

HSC,
Yeah, I smoke too, and I drink occasionally, but sometimes I can't help but think it makes everything worse. And yeah, I think things would be a lot better if I had a boyfriend, too bad you live all the way in MA!

VTT,
I'll be thinking about you, hoping you get out of that slump!

Tracysalome,
Yea it runs in my family too. My mom is mentally ill